And now comes the anger

I got some really excellent advice today.

It does go against the grain though, and it plays into my mindset of "no game playing".

But I think it's the best choice and I was leaning that way in the first place.

Just walk away. No malice aforethought, no warning.

Just walk away.

If he calls, do not pick up and do not return the call.

If we end up at the same place, politely excuse myself and exit.

He thinks he's the man who can learn from his mistakes. He's said that. In fact what he does IS learn but he transfers the blame to others.

So, if he's going to learn from his mistakes, he is going to have to learn to respect me. And he either will or he won't. But it can't start with my choosing to be around. We've done this, it's proven to not work. So why do it again?

The definition of insanity is to repeat the same behaviours and expect different results.

The fact that I moved through much of the pain already in 5 days really makes me wonder. I'm angry and bit sarcastic and still prone to calling the other woman a whore ( thanks again Post-doc - it really is liberating). The major part seems to be over.

I think the reason it's more rational for me right now is because I am no longer in the peaks and valleys. I am in the valley with the middle as the peak. It's a smaller curve. Less stressful.

Oh I know you are all laughing at the rational comment. Go ahead.... laugh all you want. If it were any of you, I would probably have some eye rolling and a giggle or two. At the least.

But given the magnitude of what's happened here, I think that this thinking is more to the line of rational.

Except for the "whore" part.

That just makes me feel better.

Yeah I am a spiteful bitch on occasion - and I deserve to be.

the tears have stopped for now

The occasional moderately controlled tears may flow at situational things like TV, movies etc. but for the time being they have stopped.

I do believe I am numb now. I feel like I am fine, but that a huge hole is in my chest area where my heart used to be.

My heart is missing a piece. A big one. But if that piece can't be what I deserve, do I need that piece back?

Rhetorical of course. I can live the rest of my live with this hole if I have to. But I don't know that I want to.

But I am prepared to be alone. I am probably the best in my field. At the age that I am, it is statistcally proven that I have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than getting married. And marriage isn't even the most important thing to me. The important thing is companionship or partnership with a man.

The fact is, the person that I am supposed to be with, doesn't want me because I am too good for him. He won't love me the way I deserve because he doesn't believe he is worthy of my love.

What kind of crap is that? He chases women who treat him badly so that he can validate the fact that he doesn't deserve to be loved. So when a woman like me has the AUDACITY to fall in love with him, he treats her badly to prove that he isn't worth it.

In all the years of socialogical and psychological background that I have, I am always surprised to find people in my life like this.

And no. Right this minute a phone call or visit from him won't change this fact or the way I feel. I am grieving him as if he is dead. I have to. Because I am cutting off as many ties as I have to in order to make sure that our lives don't intersect any further.

What I am doing to heal that hole? Well, let's face facts. That hole, the big one where my heart used to be? It won't heal. It will most definately scar. But it won't heal. It's too big. It's too complex.

I can actually understand that expression "pining away" or "dying of a broken heart". I never did before this. I never could understand giving up the will to live because of another person. Please don't get me wrong - I'm not there - I just understand it so much better now.

I know most of you think I have flipped, probably since yesterdays post. But I want to assure you that no, I am not crazy. I am just putting pieces together from the last 7 years of my life to see a picture I never saw before. it's bringing a lot of situations into a very specific relief for me.

I won't predict the end of this. Because if the "connection" we share is still this strong after all is said and done, there won'd be much I can do about it. If we are supposed to be together, we are going to end up like magnet and steal. So I won't say forever and I won't say permanent. But I will say that as of now, four days after the last broken promise, I am done. I mourn the loss of my best friend in this. But I don't mourn the loss of being treated as second best if it all.

Being a musician, I tend to find music that speaks to me during specific points in my life and then I go back to it when I need it.

I have an entire playlist right now that deals with this. It includes "midnight train to Georgia", "Rosanna", "Coconut", "Breaking up is hard to do", "I'll be over you".

I'll be over you is the one that I keep hearing in my head though from the beginning. This song was recorded by Toto so many years ago, I think I was in HS. Here's part of it:

"As soon as my heart stops breaking
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you. "

I believe in these words because of that big hole. The words should be written like this:

"As soon as my heart stops breaking, anticipating, as soon as this hole heals up, I'll be over you."

Except that those words don't rhyme. And it wouldn't have a chance in hell of being a hit.

I'm still working. I'm still on the couch but I am not sleeping so great at night. I am waking up with acid reflux and my skin itches hideously.

And worse, I'm alone in this really. With a few exceptions, I haven't been allowed to tell anyone that we were together in the first place, so this decision is really going to make a few heads turn. "Our" Friends won't understand because I can't explain it.

Life is strange. I just want to be normal.

Now for a news flash

I have a little bit of the "Extra sensory" gifts.

Whew.

The secret is out.

Since I chose to ignore them after a very scary bus trip involving a ouji board in High School, they are truly undeveloped. ( Bus number 2 of the 4 buses on a trip to tanglewood arts festival was predicted to crash and it did. Scary we knew enough in time to switch buses....)

I can do things like be my own personal Caller ID ( I always know who the "private caller" is, or predicting email or postal arrivals of specific items or when the phone is going to ring, or worse yet pick it up before it does. But nothing major.

I was able to stack the deck of cards fairly regularly without a lot of effort in college. I choose not to gamble, but win when I do. Traditional gambling that is.

I tend towards herbal work for health, but don't dabble in weird stuff. No burning of incense or anything like that. I had a friend who was a Wicca, but we aren't friends anymore, though we are friendly. She told me on more than one occasion that my interests could lead me down this path.

I believe in Goddesses and think that I am one..... but I like to think that's more beauty and pampering related. I read up on this stuff disguised as normal books. I didn't even nrealize that was what I was doing till someone pointed it out to me.

The most extreme things to me are tarot cards ( I throw them often actually) and psychics. I have refused to have a full session with one since my dad died. Given the state of affairs right now I probably need to go again.

Given this knowledge, I was driving to the Grocery store, listening to my ipod. I loaded a bunch of songs that wouldn't depress me overly much, but mean things to me, on from Itunes. After driving past the whore's street and yelling WHORE at the street where the other woman lives ( Post-Doc should be SO proud of me) to obviously only me since I was alone in the car, the tune Roseanna by Toto came on.

I love this song. I don't care who else hates it - tough.

But it was a very dear friends favorite tune for a lot of years. He passed away four years ago. Right after my dad. He was my age and he died of esophagial Cancer. He told only his family and his best friend.

Mark was a unique and special person. Oh he had his asshole moments to be sure, but we loved him and he loved us.

Mark was a drummer. An AMAZING one. He was never happier than behind his set, with his kit laid out and a good vibe going. He would play to almost anything but loved Rush, Toto, anything along those lines.

We were all friends for a zillion years. Lena, Andy, Mark, JP and myself.

I should tell you that I did see a psyhic at a party for 10 minutes. I don't think this counts. But in that 10 minute meeting I was looking for my dad. No one else. Evidently there was a crowd on the other side waiting on me. Mark was amongst them. I put him off because I wanted my dad. That was 2 years ago and he's been really patient.

So here's the story.

When the man I love and I were doing this dance 5 years ago, Mark called me up one day and asked me to meet him for coffee. We hooked up at a place in the town between us and had coffee and salads. We talked about a barter system for teaching music lessons.

Then a week later, he called and asked me for money. A sum that was larger than I could accommodate. He wanted to meet me at the bar where my man was playing for a drink and the exchange.

I told him that I didn't have it, but we could still have the drink if he wanted to meet me there.

He said He underestood and that it was OK as he wasn't drinking.

It didn't register at the time.

At all.

He was already ridden with cancer. I know this now.

Today in the car, as I was driving, a strange peaceful feeling washed over me. I had the feeling he was sitting with me. IN a strange way, he was conveying to me, that yes that's the reason he wanted the money, but he didn't want me to give it out of guilt. He doesn't fault me for not giving the money either.

I don't feel guilty - I truly didn't have it. But I feel strange. I don't always believe in this stuff. I look down my nose at it a lot. It's scary - let's face it. But the fact is, I think it's out there. I believe in it enough to know that I have a little bit of it, and so do a LOT of people. Most don't even know it.

Scoff if you will. But this all ties in to what's happening to me today.

You see. My man and Mark are very similar in personality. It never occurred to me before until Mark came to me today. In a flash, I realized that Mark was telling me things that I never knew. I don't know if I always knew these things or if they are only coming to light now given the situation that I am in. I simply do not know.

But I do know that Mark was the younger version of this man that I love whom I am in a crisis situation with now.

Mark himself had no future, or didn't to his way of thinking. Neither does my man. Or so he believes.

Mark only knew how to do the one thing that he loved: his music. Same with my man.

He was overseas during Desert Storm. My man was in the army 30 years ago.

I've known Mark since I was three years old. I met my man when I was three years old.

Mark lost his mom to breast cancer and his sister to leukiemia, my man is losing his brother to ALS.

Both of them came to me when the stakes were high and needed something.

I was never in love with Mark. There was an attraction that was on again off again but never acted upon. Usually one of us was in some kind of other situation. So it was just friends until death for us. And that actually happened as it turned out.

So what did I learn from this? That I have really crappy taste in men? I don't think so. Both are tragic tormented souls. And for that I am sorry for them. But Mark never treated me badly as a friend or anything else. not ever. Except for not telling me he was sick. And I understand that. I really do.

My man did treat me badly. In any capacity that I was and am in with him. Of course, if Mark had lived to be fifty, he might have treated me badly too.... winky winky.... but I doubt it.

There's some kind of lesson here that pertains to me. I haven't investigated it out yet. I need to focus on it and meditate on it a bit and maybe find a trusted psychic and investigate it out there.

The fact is that these some other connection I think. It doesn't alter what is happening currently and certainly DOES NOT justify it any way. It won't change the path that I decided to be on at all. I am not seeing him. Not now. I won't dictate forever, but it may come to that. And I am mentally prepared for it, if we come to that. The practical day to day will be tough, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime I want to narrow down this connection because I want to be prepared to learn from it.

There are many of you that will think I am a little freaky for this post. Most of my closest friends don't know these things about me. I do NOT broadcast them and I do NOT do anything about with them.

well - except stack the kitty in euchre and pinnochle.... Didn't you ever wonder how all the 9's an 10's got there??? or my favorite - queens around? Or making sure that Bernie and I always had both bowers when the chips were down?

Come on..... I'm not the good of a dealer....

This town ain't big enough for the both of us

It's amazing what the mind can block and forget when the pain is too much,


This obviously isn't our first go around in this situation.


There are several things that make it different though this time.


One is, we live 2 miles apart. Before we livedd 25 miles apart.


Little bit easier, that 25 miles. Not a lot of chances that we would arrive on one another's doorsteps, or show up in the middle of the night, or run into each other in a store.


A LOT more chance of it now. AND he's a bit of a local celebrity. And more people know me than I actually know here in town. Because of my dad.


So not only did we not have the conversation that needs having, he didn't call. Which is starting to make my decision making so MUCH easier.


It just proves what I have been saying. I am NOT as important to him and holding on to me is only to deal with his guilt. He doesn't need me. He has plenty and I mean plenty of other friends. I truly can't imagine what I actually bring to the table that means so much to him that he won't let me go. I can't imagine what about me he can't get from, say, the other woman ( Post-doc feel free to interject with your special word here....). So why does he need me?


I say it's guilt. And I Don't even think it's guilt about me personally either, though I play the biggest part of it currently.


No, I think the thing of it is, never seeing him again, in any capacity, might be the only option. I just don't think I am going to mention it. I am just going to act on it. No more discussion, just do it. Like Nike.


If I find myself in the awkward position of being in the same place, I will just make my excuses and get out of there as quickly as possible.


If, at some point, he finally figures out what it is he misses, he will have to do some major tap dancing to get me to believe it. AND I will be citing yesterday and today's blog posts as to why. When he should be worrying about the status of our relationship, he was too busy worrying about other things, conveniently putting me to the bottom of the list if I was still on it at all.


The fact is, I am not important to him. I can't imagine that there is someone out there that will think that I am important someday and seriously, at my age, I have to make my peace with that.


I have cut my schedule back to the necessities now. The rest of the time I spend on the couch or on the bed.

Sleep is the only antidote I have right now.

As Harry said in "When Harry Met Sally", "That's the nice thing about depression, you get your rest".

Sad Eyes, turn the other way....

Old song - for those of you old enough to remember it.

I danced with the man I love to this song back in April. I have a video of it.

It's one I no longer watch.

In writing, this kind of thing is known as foreshadowing.

Who knew that this song would turn out to be so true?

heartbreak is horrible. Being the one who initiated it? Turns out that the only good thing about that is you can't get blind sided.

I am going to do my best to write through this. The frequency may go down as I can't promise my stamina is going to be there.

But writing through other things, seemingly less painful than this, seemed to hold me in good stead. Seeing the bravery of Post-Doc and Title Troubles and Maplemama in their writing has really shown me that I can do this and maybe it Will be helpful.

You will be treated to a very "uncontessa-like" set of behaviours. To be sure. They range from anger, to tears, to happiness, to peace, to all kinds of things.

For now just know that I am grappling one singular question:

How do I trust a man who still wants me in his life today, but who had requested 5 years ago that we remain friends, best friends, and then proceeded to treat me badly for five years in the hopes that I wouldn't be in love with him anymore? I have no frame of reference for how he should treat me as a friend because I have never exprienced it. How do I do that? How do I address that?

Trust me, its rhetorical for you folks. It will be a reality for him.

I have not yet posed this question to him. I will be doing that tomorrow. Once we debate that for 2 or 3 hours ( that's the minimum ANY questions between us takes) I will be in a better position to decide if he is allowed to continue on in my life.

He means well. He does. But he is not doing this for me. Do not be fooled. He is doing this to assuage his own guilt and grief at our situation.

Perhaps I am being overly dramatic at this juncture, but I do not understand why he needs me in his life. Surely he can find another person who will love him enough for him to treat badly, no?

( see ??? if you wait patiently, there's the anger masked as sarcasm - just wait - there is much more of that to come!)

I am now at the point of wearing my bed and walking around wrapped in a blanket. I had Cold stone ice cream for dinner, not even all of it - how sad. I couldn't bring myself to eat more. I don't think I have ever gone through that level of heart break where I COULDN'T eat.... huh.

I am taking something to sleep at night for now, I sleep whenever I can as a matter of fact. I took a nap this afternoon. I could sleep now without thinking about it. I am trying to maintain my regular schedule as much as possible. I fake a lot of happiness with the kids whenever I can and try to hold the tears back to the car ( when it's not in motion, thank you) or the house. But once they start, do not be fooled, they are not easily turned off.

Same with the anger. Once I get rolling, get out of the way. It goes from sarcasm, to biting then I just lash out altogether.

I am writing through this in part too, because I am feeling very much alone. Please remember that "our" friends locally are not involved at all and can't know anything. So I am restricted who I can speak to. My priest is on vacation. So I am doing all of this in my private blog and extracting the parts that do not overly reveal for this one.

I haven't been through something like this in so long, even I don't remember how badly this hurts. It's a small wonder why I refuse to fall in love again. This is the part that sucks.

You know what's funny, when I am really down and out I grasp for the tarot cards, the psychics, the mystics. Hell I even thought about Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends network for a brief second. And while I am always afraid of the hacks and very good at not giving leading information out, I am always surprised when they are so accurate.

Part of me really needs to know. And Part of me is scared as hell to know.

So I threw the numbers out. I closed the websites.

Back to the grey world.

For now.

A life lived in color is now Black and White

How to explain this title.



For it bears explanation, to be sure.



In the past decade of my life, I have had the luxory and security of living in technicolor. In a grand fashion.



I was fortunate to have the most wonderful friends in the world. I am still fortunate in that.



But I have recently started discussions to end one of these friendships ( with benefits) that will cause my technicolor world to go black and white - at least for awhile.



The only way to describe how I feel with this person in my life is technicolor. When we are together, All the colors of the rainbow are represented along with some that most can't see. When we are apart, my world is black and white.



So I am watching the color fade to grey. He isn't letting me go so quickly so I may end up in grey for awhile till I make up my mind. Honestly, I walked into this cutting him off permanently. But them the idea of losing my best friend tore a bigger piece of my soul than I thought it would. So I shelved the concept of forever temporarily. I can't decide that based solely on emotion.



For now, we are talking on the phone. Short conversations, but daily.



I am afraid. Of many things. Mostly I am afraid that if I let him go, I won't see the colors again. and if I don't let him go, things won 't change the way they need to. Oh and I should mention the perversity of my life where I finally let him go and I move on.... that's when he will have gotten his act together. So you can see I have a lot of things on my mind.



You see, we have a connection. That's the stupid word for it. We are bonded and linked in terms of time and space, timeless, centuries and all those crazy things. Those were his words. And the fact is, that translated into one kind of love for me and another for him. But we haven't met in the middle yet. I told him that he needed to leave me be so I could get over him as I have never had the opportunity to completely do that in 7 years. And in that 7 years, 4 of which I deluded myself into thinking that we were just best friends, I never got the full bearing of friendship because there was this thing between us. It is strong and sometimes bigger than everything around us AND we aren't the only ones seeing it. That didn't phase me, I was content to move on and have him as my best friend. But it did phase him. I just didn't realize how much.



It caused him to treat me erratically. Sometimes I got the full Best Friend treatment, sometimes I got treated as insignificantly as a fly. When those times happened I just stopped contacting him. When her removed his head from his ass, he would come around and we would be best friends again.



So last night, as I was really trying hard to break this off, it came to my attention exactly HOW LONG this has been going on. It's not acceptable and at the end of the day, I am not entirely convinced he will get over his own issues to be able to treat me the way I deserve.



I also have the issue of other women for him and other men for me. He will assuredly move on first. He can't NOT. I can't witness it and I made that clear. He wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of me with another man either. This cycle repeats stupidly for 7 years too.



I watched and listened as he shared things with me that we've never talked about before. I am paying for some his past, I get that and so does he. This whole situation has less to do with me and everything to do with him. He always said I didn't love myself. He meant him. He doesn't love himself. And that plays a major part in this. That and pride. He feels he has no future and won't get involved with someone who already does ( me) because he doesn't want to use me to gain security.



A little old fashioned I think, but I do think he does need to iron out his future. He's older than I am and he needs to stear his own course. But first he has to find his own course. I may or may not be part of that in one of many capacities. That will remain to be seen at this point.



I can't predict the future, but I can predict the present. For right now, I live in grey while I decide whether the color is worth the price or Black and White is a better risk while I search for someone else that brings color into my life. Black and white is winning out right now.



I have not spent an enormous amount of time talking this through with anyone, I have really kept my own counsel here with one outside opinion weighing in.



This scene is still being written.

Act 1 Scene 5 - The Contessa looks for signs everywhere

I have been writing my Letters to God lately, I have noticed that one of the things I pray for is a sign that I am making the right decisions or signs to help guide me on the paths that I am on.

So I was driving home from a board meeting, where the stupidity and crap that has been reigning for the past two months, finally was put to a timely end. A load off my mind. I was thinking about another problem and came up with a solution. It wasn't a great one and while I felt better for HAVING a solution, it may not have been the best one. So in driving home, I asked for a sign as t whether this was a good solution or not.

Then CRASH.

I merged into another vehicle. A large black SUV ish vehicle.

Entirely my fault. I thought I checked my blindspot carefully before merging, but I was distracted with the solution that I had just found.

We were heading for a traffic light and I DO believe that the SUV sped up to close the gap so I couldn't merge. Be that as it may, I still hit them. But we were slowed down for the light which was red, so I didn't hit that hard.

Still in the essence of doing the right thing... I started up to move to another lane so we could pull over and exchange information.

GAH!!!!! Foiled!!!!!!

They cut me off, cut over two lanes, sped up and got on the Interstate.

Are you kidding me???

Now I am thinking,oh boy, I'll bet there is something illegal going on with them. Then I worry that something happened to them and Pray that they are not hurt.

Then it occurs to me that this is the REALLY obvious sign I asked for. The solution to one of my problems that I came up with, you know, the one that distracted me in the first place????Not a good OR fair one. Not yet at any rate.

This is the kind of thing that happens to women in my family. My mom has had car accidents and tickets the few times that she has had major issues on her mind.

And So it gets passed down.

But it was a big sign. And I feel oddly relieved. I didn't get hurt, My car doesn't have a scratch on it ( explain this to me please!!!) and I am not following through with my solution, but have tabled it temporarily in search of a better solution OR a positive change. I just pray now that those people are not hurt.

There are signs everywhere - you just have to look.

Act 1 Scene 4 - Finders Keepers

OK now in the last couple of "The Plan" posts, I have casually mentioned some DMV issues under finance.

The fact is, 7 years later, I received a notice giving me 90 days to respond to a lapse of insurance in February of 1999.

Can I just mention that I haven't been with THAT insurance company in probably 5 years? Minimum?

And because the notification JUST came in - those records got shredded ( 7 years right???) and I am pretty religious about that. IN fact I had JUST done it which really pissed me off.

I went to the court that issued it and they gave me an extension - even though I tried to plead that they shouldn't even be asking for this now. 7 years later. But since they are going to insist and being a County court, they can, I awill do my diligence and try and get proof.

Having very little luck with my former insurance company ( I happen to work in the MAJOR building in NYC when I am there), I opted to go to the agent I have now and ask for some guidance.

Never made it to her office for the appt as it's tomorrow.

Do you want to know why? I reached into my night stand drawer today to take my required blood pressure and grabbed a book that was sitting on top. It's an interesting book and I hadn't remembered it was in there. I opened it and pulled out a piece of paper.

It was the insurance cards from said company. Covering me during that time.

Prayers are answered sometimes. This one weighed on my mind. I really wasn't sure how I was going to get the paperwork from so long ago. Now I just have to bring it down to the Court and get my clearance slip, take it to the DMV and have it registered so they don't suspend my license.

I cannot tell you what I sigh of relief this brings me.

Seriously.

Act 1 Scene 3 - The Goodbye Party

Today was our Goodbye party for Cynthia. She has been our choir director for two years and is moving up north having retired.

So I get myself together, I am dressed appropriately and I headed to the store to pick up some snacks for the crew and head to my stepmoms house.

I get there to realize that, not only am I the first one here, but I am also the ONLY one here.

Isn't it strange that a party at someone's house starts at 4 and yet not even the hostess is home?

HMMMM.

so I pull over to the side and start trying to think. And I mean trying. I couldn't think where it would be and who would still be home that knew.

Crap.

So I suddenly recall that the party seemed to me to be hosted in Massapequa. OK good. That narrows it down to 2 houses. I rolled the dice and called Carol. Thank goodness she was home, they were just getting ready to leave.

Leave? Well it's not at their house!

OK that narrows it down to 1. So now I know where I am going.

I start driving again and get there in a few minutes. The party is lovely. The weather is like fall...it's in the mid 60's and there is a breeze. The entire choir except for 2 is there, my priest is there and we are having a lovely time.


I'm going to miss her, Truly I will. For those of you that remember the cute musician guy from a few months ago, this is his foster mom. Now He's not going anywhere, but I will see a lot less of him, not that I saw that much to start with. Funny how over time, I realized how little we had in common. It's still his loss!!!! ;-)

It's nice for she and her husband though. They have this lovely chance to spend some quality time together in a sleepy New England Town. I almost envy her.

On the way home, I am thinking, rather resentfully, that my night last night was intruded upon by someone else. Still driving, I talk this through with God. and myself. The reality is, whether I got that call or not, I was not planning to go. So being mad that someone else MAY have been there that I didn't want to see, was in fact, Stupid.

I actually felt better.

Because you see, I finally found the perfect birthday present and I don't want to be in a pissy mood when I present it. It's so lucky that circumstances presented themselves as they have recently. We watched the Concert for George Harrison recently. For those of you who haven't seen it, see it. It's the memorial concert done a year to the day after he died.

I was poking around ebay - you all know how I love that, and I found a signed photo of George with a COA. I have the perfect frame already. This is going to be really special. It's my best friends FAVORITE of all the Beatles. I can't wait for it get here, it's being shipped insured with a moneyback guarantee.

I have been searching for 6 months for something this special.

I feel good. I feel really good. I love giving the perfect gift. It's really amazing.

But I will miss Cindy.

Act 1 Scene 2 - Letters to God

In this scene we find the Contessa sitting at her desk, a lovely antique secretaire, at her laptop, with her morning coffee, furiously pecking at the keys despite her long manicured fingernails.



Musing to self:


I have been finding prayer and meditation difficult lately. I've been getting distracted in the midst of it.


So I started writing letters to God in my personal journal. I find that when I do this in the morning, or as the mood strikes me, I get out the feelings I need to. I tend to write about my personal needs lately but that's OK.


Once I sit down at my desk, with my water, coffee, juice whatever, I feel better able to go about my day after having written the letter. Two days in, with some trials and tribulations out there, things are being handled better for me and by me. I feel more confident in my decisions and the signs that I need to help me make the decisions are being seen but I am still challenged in how to read them.


In writing letters to God, there is less chance that I will forget something that's important. there is a better chance for some better self discovery and I can be as honest as I need to and dnot worry about hurting anyone or having people read these letters and think "That Contessa is loco loco loco!" or "That Contessa doesn't understand at ALL".

I have a tendancy to waffle on decisions that I need to make because I have been raised to think things through, ponder all sides and make sure that I am fully educated on the facts so that I make the best decision for me. So I tend to wait while the jury is out.


But in the meantime, I can write my opinions and feelings down in my personal letters to God as well as in this blog.




Cut to phone ringing - cell phone.


The contessa answers the phone. She is surprised at the caller and is quiet as she listens.


She is a little bit short in the discussionary points and finally asks the caller to please call her home phone as the reception is difficult.


She knows what the caller is going to say, though they have been hemming and hawing on the phone....


The phone rings on her desk. She answers it and says:


"That's much better. Now what is it you are trying to tell me?"
" You may not want to come down to Merrick tonight" the caller says.
"Oh???? I wasn't planning to. You need a break from my presence there" She replies
"No - no I don't. I just wanted you to know that there might be someone there that you won't want to see and I am just doing the right thing and making you aware" The caller says.
" Well I appreciate that. However maybe I need a break from going down there. " She replies.


The call continues on a more sociable level after that but there is some slight tension in the air. Some plans are made and discussed and changed. Whether or not they pan out is to remain seen...


Once she hangs up, she returns to work. She has things to do while it's still quiet at the office.


About one hour later:


The contessa can be seen lying face down in the middle of her bed. Just laying there. Doing absolutely nothing.



She picks up her head and stares at the orange cat lying on the pillow. She reaches for her book and reads for a little while.


She gets up, looks at the time and wanders back to the living room, followed by golden eyed, orange cat.

She calls her best girl friend. Every leading lady has one, and this one is hers. She listens as her dear friend recounts her troubles and frustrations. Her friend has a lot on her plate as well. They discuss things through,
The contessa speaks to her friends' little girls, that always picks her spirits up. Then her friend comes back on line and The contessa shares part of her letter to God and the phone call she received. They discuss it at length and The Contessa confirms that friend was right in the first place and her friend offers the comment that the sign the Contessa thought she got last night, may not have been interpreted right or the right sign or even a sign altogether.


The contessa agree's. They hang up.


The Contessa goes back to work. She wraps up what she needs to for the day and heads out to teach. Knowing that she is not going to Merrick that night, she doesn't need to re-shower and dress up, so she doesn't. A less than dressy outfit would almost ENSURE that a change of heart wouldn't happen. The Contessa is not a stupid woman.


We end our scene with the Contessa, back at the antique secretaire with a glass of water, finishing this Blog post. She has since written another letter to God as well as completed this Blogpost. She is feeling relaxed. She has since taught three lessons and practiced singing an aria from Rossini's Barber of Seville in Italian. She attempted to watch the DVDs of two performances in the last two years but couldn't stand her stage presence and gave up....

The letters to God are a wonderful tool and while they don't replace prayer, it helps get the important points on the table so that they can be prioritized when prayer time comes.


"Prayers are always answered. Even if it's not the way you anticipated."


End Scene.


And .....................


Cut.

Act 1 Scene 1 - The contessa goes Brazilian

Yes you heard correctly and you heard it here first.

I was prepped for the pain by everyone. Including the lovely woman whose job it was to wax me.

For those of you NOT in the know, this kind of waxing is like advanced bikini waxing. Except when they are done, there is no hair left at all in your "bikini" area.

So given the sensitivity in that locale, you can imagine the pain involved.

Being prepared for it, and combined with being nervous as hell, you can imagine what a wreck I was. But, I had read up on it, and asked my one lone friend whose actually been doing it for years, and took my 3 aleve before walking in the door. About an hour before.

I had also scheduled a 1 hour massage for afterwards at the same wellness center. I figured I would need it.

They sort of forgot about me..... I was sitting for about 10 minutes in the peaceful and relaxing waiting room ( it was better than my own living room actually!). The receptionist walked past on her way to the rest room and saw me... Oops...

She apologized and 1 minute later the aesthetician came in. She and I went upstairs to the furthest possible room from other people - I figured the screams of pain would disturb the yoga classes, reflexology and massage patients.

So pretty much as described, you undress from the waist down and lie on the table. She explains to me what the process is, what kind of wax is used.

Then, almost without warning, she starts spraying on the prep and then spreadsing the wax. I think the spray had some knd of numbing agent in it. She started ripping and I have to tell you she started from the normal bikini area and it wasn't so bad. No worse than eyebrows or lip waxing to be sure.

Then she moved further inward. WOW that hurt more. The positions she had you moving into made me glad I have been doing pilates. Seriously. Well they had to be good for something.

When all was said and done, to be really honest, I think I scared myself into more pain than there actually was. Oh it hurt. it hurt a lot. But I would do it again. It wasn't as bad as I had expected or anticipated.

Thank God I had the one hour massage afterwards.... I needed all that tension released!

I should be the leading lady in my own life - DAMMIT!!!

I think I am learning this lesson.

I wouldn't swear to it, but I came home from teaching 3 kids in a great mood. All of whom do not get taught on this day at all. I had a lot of fun with them.... again - not the norm.

Yesterday, I was distracted and trying to teach. Constantly watching the clock, not being able to WAIT to get out of there. And not fair to these kids.

Today, I enjoyed my time with them so much that I was starting to do my usual, running over.

I wrapped up my last lesson, got the pizza I wanted so badly and headed home.

It was on the way home that I noticed that I felt better. My spirits were higher, I was not feeling insecure and I was OK.

I was almost relieved. NO - I WAS relieved.

"Other Men's crosses are not my crosses" A great quote by someone I do not know off hand but it was in my head when this thought occured to me.

I try really hard NOT to pick up other people's problems and adopt them. No matter how much I can make it apply to me, or how close to home it might hit, if I am not directly involved, I will listen, I will advise, but I will not adopt. I will not sit up and worry, though I will include in my prayers.

So why did this quote pop into my head. I know where I read it, but can't remember who wrote it. It's a really true and good statement though.

My biggest revelation here is that I need to stop this nonsense now. I am a strong woman. Very. I have always been the type who can hide the insecurities behind the strength and grow from it.

I haven't allowed myself the opportunity to really look at what is specifically bothering me, identify it's validity and then verify how I am going to combat it.

Jenna so nicely and patiently, and I mean patiently, pointed out that I needed to do other things and stop over thinking this problem. Ah My old stand by comes to light. If you release yourself and give yourself permission to NOT think about something until a designated time, a solution will present itself to you.

My solution was to do nothing.

As a woman of action, this was naturally a strange solution. But not only did it make sense, it gave me peace.

"The Lord Bless you and keep you. The Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you and give you peace. "

Peace, which enabled me to then back down into a more trusting situation and do the thing I needed to do most. Apologize to my best friend for being an obsessive pain in the ass. a big one at that. So when I came home, I saw that she had written me, so I wrote her back with the apology ( several times) and soem detailed explanations.

I know this is a problem that I have, I know I needd to work on it, I am really trying and the fact that this took 48 hours is actually not bad for me. I just hate feeling so weak and inadaquate and inferior so I become obsessive in finding the answers because I can't deal with the inadequate feelings that I have self imposed.

In my youth, I could go for weeks and months like that. I could delude myself into a false sense of security very easily.

In looking back I see a pattern that started with my first love. I was never the leading lady in my own life. I always played the role of the best friend. And one should be the leading lady in her own life, shouldn't one? The word is gumption. I need more of it.

I learned a little bit about this from a movie, but great lines and dialogue in movies came out of someone's experiences. This one I paraphrased from the The Holiday. Kate Winslett says it toEli Walach and honestly I agree with it.

This leading lady role, it goes for everything. Career, Hobbies, Family, Romance - all of it.

And I have just casted myself in the leading role.

And this one is the acadamy award winner.

"And The oscar goes to......."

Me.

That trust thing and it's link to self - esteem

Since I was a little girl, I have always believed that God tested us with life events to see how we react so we will be stronger and on the right path. The other thing is that he won't give us more than we can bear.

I am unsure where this test started, though I suspect it was in my early teens. Being a child of divorce there were different food rules depending on what house we were in. In my mom's home, we were required to try everything before we were allowed to reject it. Balanced meals weren't so much an important memory, but I recall all food groups on the table, but no rules enforcing it really. At my dad's house, we were required to eat everything that was put on our plates. And we had to stay at the table until we were done.

I believe that a lot of my weight issues as a child came from over eating for comfort. I was not an unhappy child and I was fairly well adjusted from the divorce and re-marriage of both parents. But I had weight issues, or so I thought, from an early age.

I found pictures of me at 12 and 13 recently. In a bathing suit. If that is what being overweight looks like, I want to look that way again. Now.

It's all about perception.

My self esteem got damaged pretty badly in the process. I don't blame anyone for it. It's no one's fault. It happened and it's seriously not that uncommon.

I can look at all the things that I have accomplished in my life and the list is pretty long. I can tell myself that not only am I worthwhile, any man would be freaking lucky to have me. So What is the answer to the trust and self esteem test I am going through right now?

More specfically, I am not sure what my true path is here. I still have a certain leve of naivete in me. It's much less. But it's still there, and it's that small piece of me that enables me to overlook the uncertainties and see the good in people. I sometimes think that's a good quality to have and I try to grow it. Then the suspicious part of me takes over and it goes downhill.

So I am in the process of dealing with a test and I am trying to keep in my mind that I do the tests that I fail. I try very hard not to set myself up for them but occasionally they get handed to me and I try really hard to make the best situation that I can out of it.

This test is a two fold test. I tests my self esteem and self worth while testing my ability to trust. And through this, I need to keep my blood pressure in range and continue to be productive in my job. let's not even DISCUSS what a mess I have in the house....

fun, right?

Not even hardly.

But I am really trying. I am really praying that I find the right road to be on here.

Hi, I am The Contessa and I have trust and control issues

"Welcome to trust and control Anonymous. Hi, my name is The Contessa and I will be your poster child for Trust and Control Issues today. There's coffee in the back, pleases help yourselves. Lets go round the circle and introduce ourselves. "

I spent the weekend in the country celebrating my birthday and my best friends birthday ( his was 6 months ago, but due to holidays and what not requested that we push it off to the half year).

We have mutual friends who set this weekend up. One lives there and it was to Lily's house that we went. It was perfect - the weather was stunning, I had all new clothes for this event, everything was set up to be perfect.

But it was less than perfect. And I blame some of it on my self and some on my best friend. It occured to me that I am also not a good actress when the subject matter is near and dear to my heart. And yes, I knew going in that this weekend was going to be tough in that regard, but I was prepared for it. Or so I thought.

While it was still early, we sat around the patio, eating lunch and drinking cocktails. The sun was shining, it was warm and lovely. The property is gorgeous. It was very peaceful. My best friend is now talking about his daughter who recently passed away in fatal car crash in March and how today being Fathers day was going to be difficult for him. I have long since known this story but our mutual friends did not. I had gotten him a fathers day card, somewhat generic since he's not MY father, our spouse, or whatever. I added a famous Indian Memorial Poem "Do not weep for me..." and gave it to him. He read it, got the lump in his throat and proceeded to start the joke telling.

I first noticed the control problem that started to mask itself as jealousy. I think I may have explained this before but jealousy isn't an issue for me. If I appear jealous, dig for it, because something else is the root cause. But there was a new person at the party, single and he was working her over. I don't know why it bothered me this time when he always tries to put all people, newcomers and the like, at ease at a party. But it did. and I had no reason for it.

I acknowledge that I have trust issues. I do, I know I do, and I work very very hard at trusting people. If I let you into my inner circle and my heart, that doesn't necessarily mean that I trust you implicitly. That means I am willing to try. It can take years for me to truly trust someone implicitly. I can count on one hand, those who I trust that way.

I am of the belief that my inability to trust people is because I am afraid. I am afraid. Of lots of things, I am afraid that my heart be broken, I am afraid that if I trust someone, they will let me down, I am afraid that I am not worthy of THEIR trust either. I have a lot of fears in this area. I have been working on dealing with the fear and that's been going well actually. This is how I realized I have issues with trust.

There isn't anything wrong with the people I surround myself with except that they are human. The problem as I see it, is mine. I am always looking for the hidden agenda, or the duplicity, or whatever it is that may hurt me in the long run. Part of me says "Keep digging it's there. You can find it if you look hard enough" and Part of me says "Why Dig? Everyone in the world has their secrets and their faults - do you really need to dig for them? " I try to keep thinking about "Let thou who has no sin in their heart cast the first stone." ( There's a great joke that goes with that one too!)

I am not perfect - oh my lord - so far from it. I don't wish to be perfect. I wish to be the best person I can be. But in order to do that, I need to trust more. It ties into the control. I need to be in control all the time. When I am fully in control, I find it easier to trust people.

It's pretty messed up. Right?

So this weekend, my control issues showed themselves less than I thought, but they were there. And I knew it. For example, my best friend drove my car home today. I was tense. The entire time. Why? no one drives my car but me. But I hadn't slept that well, I was tired and he wanted to give me a break. I relaxed somewhere on I684, but it took me awhile. But I trust him. Mostly. And I am working on this. A lot. Especially now that I am aware of it.

I was stressed at the party in the evening and why? Because I wasn't in control and he was. I finally went inside to lie down on the bed for a few minutes. I just needed 10 minutes alone. My best friend showed up and sat down next to me. He talked soothingly for about 5 minutes and left to make me a Blueberry Martini. He had my best girl friend make that and pick a glass for me. I got up and walked outside. I sat down with my drink, and tried to relax.

I started feeling better. But no, still not comfortable.

It turned out that the only way that I was able to relax was to have more to drink. Not really my style and I did get the comment as we were getting ready for bed that I shouldn't try to match him drink for drink. I didn't actually notice that I was....

So, back to the party. He got up to make me another drink, kissed me and said he was happy I was feeling better. Came back out and told everyone that it was my actual birthday, not his, and we should be celebrating that.

It was sweet and very considerate but the reality of my problem here was that the true nature of our friendship is very much on the down low. I am OK with this overall as a plan for right now. It's not anyone's business but ours, but it does make me feel, at times, that I can't always be myself with our friends. I understand that necessity of this at this juncture and I wouldn't have it any other way, however, it just adds pressure for me. I'm not a good actress and I won't pretend to be.

In reviewing the situation it should be noted that I don't start out by NOT trusting people. I start out small. As people deliver on the expectations that I have, I trust more, and the stakes go higher. Serously I tend to keep the bar low for awhile without even realizing it. I have a number of good friends whom I love and trust, both IRL and virtually. It's through this core of people that I am better able to see what I need to do to improve in this area. They are loving, trusting people as a rule and I am trying to learn from their succeses in this area. I am truly blessed to see such role models in my life.

I look at my mom and step-dad. Honesty is brutal and unrelenting in that household. They pull no punches. They fight only in the present, there is no dredging up of the past during their actual disputes. I learned to fight from them. I don't bring up every mistake, and the reason is because, if you deal with it as it happens, it's already solved. I don't hold grudges and I don't have regrets. These are wastes of time and they zap your energy. But at the same time they are kind and considerate of one another. I learned that too.

I look at my friends marriages. I have two that I have watched over many years. Bernie and his wife are amongst my best friends and they are so well matched for one another. Oh yes, they fight... but they know each other's limits and they work at their relationship. It's always wonderful to be around them.... they make me realize the goodness in being married and having a family.

Jenna and her husband too. They are incredibly considerate of one another. They may not think so, but if you watch them and just observe, they really are. I have on more than one occasion called and had her husband tell me that he drew her a bath which is where she isand cannot be disturbed as she had a long tough day. He commutes every day to the city for work and they are one kid short of a basketball team. But for all the things that they have going for them and against them, they make it work and it's all about the love for their children and family and each other.

Scores more of my friends fall into this category. Maplemama is probably the most trusting person I have ever met. She just opens her heart automaticaly and without reservation. I have long been using her as a model for how to do this. She's amazing to me and I am blessed to know all these people.

Back to the party again. By the time we got home, I dropped Jenna off and I told her that I am wanting to hang in with this and see it through. I can only come out ahead here. I know that. The problems I have, right now, are mine alone and I know that. The trust thing is a little like freefalling. I have to let go and just do it. The same thing with control. Once when I was in Junior high, I was dating a wonderful boy, my first true love. The only thing he ever wanted was for me to trust him. he used to stand behind me and say "close your eyes and fall backwards. I promise to catch you." I couldn't do it.

She responded that she was glad I decided to do that. She feels that it will come out right in the end too. The last thing she said to me as I was getting in the car was, For what it's worth, My best friend contributed more to my gift than anyone else did. She explained the contribution and he said he knew, but that this is what he wanted to give me.

I have no good reason in this world not to trust this man. Really and truly, not one. Yes, he has made some mistakes, and yes he has made up for them, acnowledged them and apologized for them. I have made some mistakes, some of the same ones no less. As long as the communication and honesty is happening I can't ask for more. But for all the mistakes that have been made, a lot of good things have happened too. More so than the bad. We jokingly call it the learning curve. Some days it's a short curve and others painfully long.

I guess I need to try free falling..... just a lil' bit.

Quit Following me!!! We aren't friends!!!

I heard some news today.



It wasn't my favorite and my reaction was more or less to be expected.



I was on my team call and leader announces that our procurement liason from customer is moving on after just barely a year. Not great news as we really liked her.



He goes on to mention that her replacement is Pro-competition vendor A ( not good news for us) and came from company A.



I speak up and ask "Is this person from Company A male or female?"

Leader responds "Male."



"Do you know his name?" I ask.

" I can't recall it. " he says.

"It wouldn't be Obnoxious Customer would it?" I ask

"Yes!! That's it!!! Do you know him?" leader asks....



I inwardly groan as I say exasperatingly....



"That guy is a jackass".



everyone laughs and tells me the usual "tell us how you really feel". I then say

"And that's the nicest thing I can say about him"



I go on to explain WHY I know this.



when I started my career at Top3TelecomCompany, I supported Obnoxious Customer's account at Company A. He left. I worked the year out. Then I was tranferred to Larger Company B. I happily supported this account for a year, then Obnoxious Customer Joined Larger Company B in NY. Not only do I now have to deal with him, but I am forced to see him week in and week out in his office. What joy for me. I then left that account in order to go to the Largest Company C that I currently support. I have been here now for 4 years.



He joined largest Company C on Monday. I am disgusted. Why Can't he leave me alone???? He's not a nice person, he screws people over all the time, his hidden agenda makes me nuts and to top it off there's the unethical behaviour that always makes me batty.



So I ping my director on IM and ask hiim it's true. He said simply:



YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



We both supported Company A and B in our recent past so both know what we are dealing with. Poor leader doesn't. So now I have to have a chat with him.



To top it all off, because of the long standing relationship I had with Company B, I developed quite a lot of friends there that I retain to this day. One of them lost her job 2 months ago because Obnoxious customer took her position after telling her he wasn't going to. Then he left 7 weeks later.



I couldn't get off that call to talk to her fast enough. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Again. My director had a chat with her too ( we all worked together years ago ) last night for an hour.



I am planning to stay far away from this guys radar. Given his position and my historical lack of interaction at that level, it shouldn't be too hard.

Like I need more pressure ???? Lovely.

The Rubber Band

You know how I keep referring to living life in the middle?

Well I came across this bit on my God Daughter's IM profile. She's a teenager and she thinks she's in luv. She's gorgeous and talented and of course I am not biased in any way. But she and I have never discussed this. So I found it interesting that this was on her profile.

"Life is a series of pulls, back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle... Which side wins? Love wins. Love always wins."

Now, I had to admit that I laughed when I read it. Evidently it means that I am not the only crazy person in this world. I had to find that entertaining really. I mean, she's 16. She gets it at 16. You know what I was doing at 16 ? My head was more than likely up my ass. She shocks me every day with the depth of her perception and intelligence. And she scares me every day with the exact same things. Because she is only 16.

But be that as it may. I think that people as a rule do tend to live in the middle and that's how and where they draw the strength to ride the waves into the peaks and valleys. Let's face it, no one should charge into those peaks and valleys without some degree of strength.

Which explained why I received the advice "Don't make any major life changes" after my dad died. Sadly, I had little control over that but I do truly understand why. I hadn't had enough "coasting" time in the middle to recuperate to handle the job change and moving out of my home a month later, and buying a new home all in the same 12 months. It forced me to put off grieving for a year. Which was not the healthiest thing to do.

It's that intensity that youth approach any given situation with that still makes me wonder. I look at my approaches to the same situations ( on paper) and realize that the only reason that I am more successful now, is that with age comes wisdom.

But that wisdom started in my youth. I looked at human nature a bit and discovered that we really encounter the same types of situations over and over again in our lives. The only thing that is different is how we respond and react to them. And here's where the wisdom comes in.

And how did we get that wisdom and the strength to act using it? By living in the middle of the rubber band and coasting while we recuperate and regain our strength.

On complacency

I resemble that remark.

Now that the weight started to come off, I stopped exercizing.

Now it hasn't caught up to me yet. But I suspect it's going to rise up and bite me pretty soon.

Now, what I am speaking of, is conventional exercize. I am moving more in general and adding activity where there once was none. some it lots of fun and some of it not so much. I walk the stairs more often, I park further away. I even dance in my own living room. I play actively with my friends kids ( and LORD are they active!).

But I did my abs and pushups today and discovered that in the last two weeks, I have missed it.

So I am going to go back to the walking and pilates. I need my resistance built up so I can start the weight training. I really miss that. It was once my favorite activity. So I need to get in slightly better shape to get back to it.

so here's my pledge:

I, The Contessa, Pledge that I will resume my original activity schedule of pilates Monday Wednesday and Friday and walking Tuesday and Thursday for the remainder of June. At which time, I will move the walking to every day at 8 AM and move Pilates to Tuesdays and Thursdays and add in Weight training in on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I also Pledge to continue abs and pushups every day of the week. I pledge to write down my actvity in addition to my food in my journal.

I commit to this plan of activity because it will ultimately make me look, feel and be happier and healthier in the long run.

On Being MIA

Yes yes yes. I have been MIA for a few days.

My Birthday was exceedingly wonderful and fantastically busy. I did exactly what I wanted to do that day.

I opened my day up with Dunkin Donuts coffee. Large, Blueberry with Skim milk and two Splenda.

I headed to church in the overcast, seriously threatening to rain weather. Our outdoor service became an Indoor service.

My priest was back after a day off following a running accident where he broke and dislocated some bones. For me it was nice, because he issued my birthday blessing. My stepmom didn't remember that it was my birthday, but Ellie did. Ellie's the mom of my friend with the same name and birthday as I have. She came in, walked right over to me, gave me a huge hug and kiss and wished me a happy birthday. Then her grandchildren came in and hugged and kissed me and told me that it was pretty weird that mommy's friend has the same birthday and name as their mom. They are adorable.

After church, I was wondering what was up with step mom - she has been weird towards me. Lately. So I was talking with her on our way to the Church BBQ and we talked for hours. About the subjects that we have been avoiding too. Not that this has anything to do with "our" relationship, but it plays off us both as individuals. we cleared a lot of air. I feel better and I think she does too. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I could have done. Turns out I didn't. Nor did she. It's just that there are times when things are happening that affect us both that we can't talk about it. But we talk about everything, so it becomes eaiser to just avoid the other one till things have been sorted out in our own heads. I still have a secret I am keeping from her ( and the rest of my family and friends) until the time is right. But I retain that right as it only affects me. Not them.

I changed my clothes and went to my performance - it went really well. AND the whole group PLUS the audience sang Happy Birthday to me.... I almost died....! I was so not prepared for that.... My coach is a funny one.

Concert over, I went home and showered. I laid down to try and have a nap but I was still suffering the performance high. At 9 PM I went and picked up my best friend and we had our movie night - which was awesome. We watched some great flicks. Original version of the Producers - funny funny funny!!!! The Holiday. Good - but slow moving on the England half of the story. Good night all around.

The next day I was supposed to have the day off. I slept till 10 but went to work at 11:30. So my boss told me to call it off and take another day if I wanted. So I worked the remainder of the day ( shhh I took a nap in the middle as I was up later than normal!) and I taught my kids and was trying to catch up on my log reading and trying to write this post..... when the screen was blurring in front of my eyes. I went to bed. I couldn't stay awake another second.

It was a lovely though Busy day. I have next weeked too.... I will be MIA next weekend as well.... but that's OK. It will be fun and I will tell you all about it come Monday.

In the meantime - the positive thing is working well. And it's getting easier. try it!

Looking at the positive

I have a birthday coming up in roughly 12 hours.



On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.



That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).

As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.

As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"

I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.

If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.

I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.

But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.

This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.

That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.

I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.

Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.

She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.

Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.

One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.

It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.

But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.

Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.

When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.

An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.

We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.

Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.

So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.

Some things I am proud of:

1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.

I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.

I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )

The Plan: Month 5 - the birthday doth approacheth

Month 5 was a really crazy month full of more ups and more downs than I think I have had in the last 12 months. I made a lot of progress in almost all areas.....at least the ones that were important to me this month.


Scenario 1 - Health

Exercise: I am maintaining my exercize plan though I took a few days off this week for good behaviour. truthfully I took a few days off to accommodate some work issues. I will be going back tomorrow.

Food - Hit a lovely plateau and then moved past it. I'm very happy about that and noticing that my appetite has actually decreased. AND I am no longer emotionally eating. I do need more veggies but fruit and dairy is kicking some nice booty.

Journal - I continue to journal every single day. Every bite of food, every bit of activity. I have added a space for my daily weight taken in the morning. My daily resting heart rate. I check my blood pressure once in the morning when I wake up and again before I go to bed. Unless I feel really stressed or pressured. Then I check it again to see where it's at. It's a good gauge because I really do tend to internalize things. I have been better about it. but it does factor into the blood pressure.

Overall Health Management - I went back on the birth control pills with no adverse reaction to blood pressure. Yay me. I hate not being on them. For a variety of reasons.

Scenario 2 - Job/Career
Leader is making me a little bit nuts. He doesn't think before he speaks. His answer when face with a problem, change whose addressing it. I feel undervalued and expressed that. I feel that I am taking the bulk of the heat from him when he is called on the carpet by his boss. I have expressed to him that I feel like he is forcing me out of a job and he thought I was crazy. Which I may be. One of the things my team has noticed is he likes pushing the button for job insecurity with me. So I had a heart to heart with Poodle and decided that I was not going to respond or react to those danglers. Instead I will address the content through which they are coming from only. If a defense is needed, it will be succinct and not reactionary. I am deciding that I am going to be in a good mood at work and that everything is going to be awesome every day. It worked today and I was busy as hell, but in a great mood and very productive.

Scenario 3 - My home
House is still clean - in fact it's being cleaned tomorrow. I lost the vacuum cleaner bags. I found them as soon as I bought new ones - Argh! so I won't need new ones for quite some time. I still haven't taken the time to change my curtains and slip covers. Maybe we'll do that on my birthday.....

Scenario 4 - finances
Got paid some extra $$$ for working the recital for my kids - I wish I had been in a better frame of mind to enjoy it more. But it was a panicky thing for me.

I got my car serviced, got my inspection done and now I need to get my new registration.

The IRS rudely sucked up all of my tax refund and the bad news is I still owe - but it's much lower now.... so that's good. I just keep paying them monthly.... You know what they say - nothing is guaranteed except death and taxes!

Scenario 5 - Education
My last kid FINALLY went to competition. NO idea how he did score-wise. But all accounts say he kicked BUTT. He was a nervous wreck. He's so adorable and has so much talent and promise.

My two other voice students came back with 28's - perfect scores on their songs. I couldn't have been prouder of them both. All my kids did so well this year. I'm thrilled for them.

I am singing a solo from Brigadoon ON my birthday. Waitin' for my dearie. Oh dearie....

Lessons are still going well. I am most likely not going back to Bel Canto in the fall. I doubt they will even have a new director since my coach turned in his resignation after the last concert. I am more or less disgusted by the situation political and otherwise. My step mom, while I love her, will never be able to support a new director since my dad. We just had our third one separate and she turns on all of them the minute they make an error. it's like she has everything scripted, but they aren't allowed to see the script. So if they go off script, they get written out of the final act. I can't continue to participate in a group that operates like this. So I'll take a semester or two off for sure and see where they end up. I hate to abandon ship but it's not right.

Scenario 6 - Family & Friends
My family is wonderful. My sister looks well, Munch is a stunning and wonderful baby. Anna Banana is quite the charmer now - smiling and flriting with everyone. Sucking on beer bottles ( her fathers idea and they are empty). My parents were in good form. We had a lovely early Fathers day in NJ. It was the anniversary of my dad's passing. I miss him a lot but I really try to live my life to make him proud.

I am still spending a lot of time with my best friend. It's definately interesting. It's definately proven to me that I am willing to stand up for myself when needed and stand my ground when I am right. It has also taught me about apology ( his not mine) and showed me a lot of what's important to me is also important to him.

I am spending a lot of time with my best girl friend here in town too. I am starting to teach her son piano in exchange for laundry which is a dream for me. I hate doing laundry. I resent paying for it in my own building. So this arrangement works out for both of us. I love her family and her so much - they are so good to me. I am very lucky to have them in my world.

Scenario 7 - Self esteem
OK learned a LOT last month. A real lot. I have to say, living life in the middle is safe. Very safe. "Nothings gonna harm you, not while I'm around" runs through my head when I think of living in the middle.

But it's boring. Once I realized that life is about the ups and downs. And the middle. I was able to experience those things fully and enjoy them for what they are. Learn from them if they are mistakes.

I am probably living my life for better or worse and experiencing it for the first time in years. I am enjoying and savoring it, and I get some awesome stories to tell later. ( See the post on throwing a drink NOT a glass- it was a hoot!)

My self esteem is steadly going up or maintaining. In some areas I still feel lacking a bit but I am learning how to deal with that and improve myself as well.

Scenario - Faith
I saw my priest for some counseling. it was probably the single best thing I did in the month of May. While I really don't want or need to divulge the details of the session, I walked away taking part of the advice fairly immediately and tucking some away for some future date when I may or may not need it.

I am attending church weekly again. Something about the ritual makes me feel closer to God when I am there. I pray while I am there, not just go through the motions. I sing I rejoice and no matter how bad things feel at the time, I am loved there. By God and by Fr Chris and by my fellow parish family. It's a good place to be and a good thing to do. I sang a funeral there for a friend's grandfather 2 weeks ago. I spent Mother's day with that family as well. ( after being with my own mother of course).


Scenario - Inner Goddess
Tried the eyelash extensions. Not sure if we'll go back to well on that one again, but if I do they will be shorter for sure. They appear to be high maintenancec.

The green contacts are ME!!!! I love them - this is it.

Hair is colored. Hair is cut - too short. but it grows.

Had the pedicure.

Need to see Dentist still and dermatologist.

Bought new clothes - they are stunning. I look good them.



Overall I am pleased with the work that I have done here. I am continuing to do the work and make the progress. I am down 10 lbs. My WW attendance is low but I plan to bring that back up.


I am taking charge again. Watch out.

Pappa Do - I love you

"Life is the first gift, Love the second and understanding the third"

Marge Piercy

This quote says so much.

We are given life - a blank canvas, or a blank screen, or a blank sheet of staff paper. We are taught values, letters, numbers, speech.

We are taught HOW to love. And how to receive love.

But understanding as a gift? Many of us don't receive that until it's hind sight.

So it is with some hindsight understanding that I write this particular post.

A man helped create my life. He was my father. He helped raise me, thought not always in the conventional sense. Though he was the more conventional of my parents, circumstances didn't always allow him to raise us in the conventional method.

"Whatever is Flexible and loving will bend and grow. Whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die."

Lao Tzu

Some might say that my dad was far from flexible. In some respects that is true. He refused to bend on commitment - you either made the commitment and followed through with it or you didn't, He didn't bend on striving for excellence - meaning he wished things to be as good or as excellent as possible but not perfect. He was very flexible when it came to some life lessons and very flexible when it came to loving his family. He was very flexible in loving God.

My dad and God had a huge falling out when I was about 8 years old. That was the year he moved out of our home. My father was raised by a very religious Methodist family. So for him to decide that he and God were through was pretty rough. He maintained his jobs with the churches but he did not take us.

My father felt that God had abandoned him when his marriage fell apart. As an adult, I can completely understand how he got to that conclusion. I really can. I can't imagine being in his shoes.

"You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you to give."

Eleanor Roosevelt

My dad would not have met my stepmom if he hadn't accepted the hand dealt to him in the divorce. Two people who spent their lives together having fun. Each one alone would not have had nearly the adventure that the two of them created together. To be sure, it wasn't always fun and games. But the pictures that I look back on, and they are considerablem are full of fun, happy faces, jokes being told.

" I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth, and truth rewarded me."

Simone de Beauvoir

In looking back on my relationship with my dad, I had a good one as a small child but there were a number of years in the middle that I can't speak to. My later teens and early 20's more specifically. It was when my dad called me and asked me if I would sing in his church choir as a favor to him and the choir that I have just resigned from, that our bond re-formed in a new fashion. A good Fashion. We had our music and that's what our center or truth was. When things didn't go right, we always had that to return to. I can honestly look back at having two very different relationships with my dad. Once I was willing to give up the emptiness of his not living in our home anymore, I was rewarded with a new, better relationship.

Loss is tough to deal with at any time. There is a common misconception that over time the wounds heal, we apply bandaids and promise never to look again, but they don't heal. The wounds stay there but they change. They become wonderful memorials to the person who is gone. Memories replace the pain. The pain in dulls into something manageable on a day to day basis.

I have been beastly for the past few weeks. Thoughtless in some cases, angry and defensive in others, weepy in still others and wildly happy at other times. Each emotion was a 'times 10' to the normal reality of my life. And while I do have certain circumstances that helped pull those along, I reacted to even the most mundane things more vehemently than I normally tend to.

It was a bit of a shock, when I sat in the bar Friday night listening to the last strains of "my life" by the Beatles die down as my best friend finished strumming his guitar. I got a little bit choked up. It took me by surprise because he had played that at another friend's father's funeral - not my dad's. But still, it really hit home.

I blinked back the tears as he started on his next tune and it dawned on me that Saturday was the 4 year marker of my dad's passing. I am not the type to dwell on those dates and things. I know the month perhaps, but that's usually it. I commented to my friend on his break that I was surprised it snuck up on me like that. He commented that I may not have conscioulsy known it but my behavior has been giving me away. Everything was not just reacted to but over reacted to, nothing negative - it just was. It's also a sign that grieving is ending and living and acknowledging my dad's life was beginning.

I miss him still. I know that he is proud of me. I know that he loved me on earth and loves me still in heaven. I miss and love him so much. I have so much I would talk to him about right now if he were here. I know the things he would tell me too.

So Pappa Do - I love you!

Bridges

I love bridges.

I know it's a little bit kookie and I admit it, but I love to drive over bridges. Especially if the weather is nice and the traffic is on the light side.

I happen to be blessed in living on an Island. Therefore, leaving it requires me to either cross a bridge, travel through a tunnel or get on a plane or boat.

I grew up on the South shore of this island. In order to get to the famed beaches, one had to take 1 to 2 bridges or a ferry. Or your own boat should you be in that tax bracket.

ON my end table there is a picture of the famed Robert Moses Bridge. I took this picture at night in the fog and really you see a shadowy outline with the lights on the bridge giving you the shape in the candle-like glow. It IS my favorite picture in the world. THough I no longer live there, and the house has since been leveled, I get a peaceful feeling when I look at that bridge.

I have been known to change my routes based on bridges. I LOVE Verizzano and the Tappan zee. I could cross that one all the time. I don't care for the Triborrough or the GW too much. I like the Throgs Neck.

My true fav is the Tappan Zee. it has the best approach and the best view by day.

When I am on these bridges I get this free feeling that comes over me. It washes the pain of anything that's bothering me away, It free's me from my troubles. I feel as if I am leaving the bad behind and going towards the good. It's almost a religious feeling.

Most of the time I am. When I am crossing these bridges it usually means I am going to see someone I love. These bridges mean I am going to see people like Lily, or Bernie ( by ext Lisa), My brother, or countless friends further North like MapleMama or Jax, or Poodle.

I watched a movie with a friend recently called Queens Logic. It's old it's from 1991. The central theme is about Queens borrough in NY more specifically the Queens side of the Hell's Gate Bridge ( another beauty but a freight bridge- not commercial). Halfway through the movie, it occurred to me that this bridge was going to be a pinnacle in this movie and I was right.

I also love the film "For love or Money" also from 1991, with Gabrielle Anwar and Michael J Fox. The movie is wonderful, but the final scenes are amongst my favs. They take place on the 59th street bridge. He is running toward her on one side and she on the other. As the music ( unbelievable orchestral score which I just bought - more on that later) swells you realize they are yelling key words for the film to each other - throwing away what seemed to be important for a time for the love that they realize they feel for each other in the moment.

It's sappy, very old fashioned MGM style love story - funny in spots. The music is what does it for me though.

I went to visit my youngest brother in NJ. He took us a different way than we normally go because of construction. This enabled me to go over the Verizzano Bridge and the outerbridge crossing.

I was in my glory because the day was perfect. It was sunny, warm but not too warm. The traffic was moving fairly well on the bridges themselves though not wonderfully well off them.

I had the soundtrack to For love or money on my CD player. The timing was ideal. Each time I was crossing a bridge, that scene would ironically be on my cd player at the moment.

I cry every time I hear it - since 1991. I am just sappy that way.

There's another song that I like to hear when I cross the Tz..... I Love you by the Climax Blues Band. I have no reason why - it just fits.

The Throgs Neck is NY state of mind by Billy Joel.

The Triborough is Adagio for Strings by Samual Barber. For those of you who do not know, I am related to Samual Barber. He is my Great Uncle. And I do not like this piece. UNLESS I am traveling over the Triborough Bridge. Alretnately Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2 movement. Or Chopin Intermezzo no 2 for Piano.

I love Bridges and the music that I associate with them is what helps make that special on each trip.

I have a trip coming up in 2 weeks. I am going to have pick the route and pick the tunes appropriately. We are going to Katonah ( where Martha Stewart Lives) for my birthday.

What better way to start and end it but by crossing bridges.

A behavioural change that I kind of like

I am an emotional eater.

Not bad emotions either - all of them - the good, the bad, the mundane.... all of the,m

And good lord, do not CREATE a reason for me to eat??? Hump day??? Beer and wings at the local pub? who's idea was this? They should be shot.

So it is without hesitation that I tell you that I have officially proven out the "I no longer eat out of stress" behavior.

Years and Years ago when I worked in NYC, My office building was a famous one - The former Pan Am building - now Met life building. It sits above Grand Central Station.

When Work stress would hit, I would change into my sneakers ( kept handy for commuting purposes) and do laps around the inside of GCS. For those of you who know it well.. that's walking from the escalators into Met life down to Zarro's bakery by the shuttle. walking the lenght of that, coming up the side near the famous oyster bar walking up the steep ramp to the opposite sided were the Metro north tracks are and back around 1 lap= a quarter mile.

I would pull off anywhere from 1-5 laps in about 20 mins then go back upstairs and get some water and back to work. I had my desk moved away from the break room with the vending machines though I would wander in there occasionally for a bottle of water.

this Behaviour change of doing ANYTHING BUT EAT during stress really carried me through. I took a large hit when my dad died 4 years ago tomorrow. I ate anything that was nailed down. Seriously we have an expression at Weight Watchers.... you can make a bomb out of anything. I do believe they were talking about me - I had once found myself eating bakers chocolate and I don't even LIKE chocolate all that much.

So you see this is a good thing.

You all know I have been under some stress between work, personal and medical lately.

I have still manageed to hit my 10 lb mile stone yesterday. I still use exercize as a means to combat emotional behaviour. I just don't have the grand concourse to walk....

Sometimes I miss those laps. I got to see a lot of neat things I wouldn't have had the opp to see.

But the change while it took years to really take on me... did eventually work.

That's what I am proud of as my next birthday looms close.