the tears have stopped for now

The occasional moderately controlled tears may flow at situational things like TV, movies etc. but for the time being they have stopped.

I do believe I am numb now. I feel like I am fine, but that a huge hole is in my chest area where my heart used to be.

My heart is missing a piece. A big one. But if that piece can't be what I deserve, do I need that piece back?

Rhetorical of course. I can live the rest of my live with this hole if I have to. But I don't know that I want to.

But I am prepared to be alone. I am probably the best in my field. At the age that I am, it is statistcally proven that I have a better chance of being killed by a terrorist than getting married. And marriage isn't even the most important thing to me. The important thing is companionship or partnership with a man.

The fact is, the person that I am supposed to be with, doesn't want me because I am too good for him. He won't love me the way I deserve because he doesn't believe he is worthy of my love.

What kind of crap is that? He chases women who treat him badly so that he can validate the fact that he doesn't deserve to be loved. So when a woman like me has the AUDACITY to fall in love with him, he treats her badly to prove that he isn't worth it.

In all the years of socialogical and psychological background that I have, I am always surprised to find people in my life like this.

And no. Right this minute a phone call or visit from him won't change this fact or the way I feel. I am grieving him as if he is dead. I have to. Because I am cutting off as many ties as I have to in order to make sure that our lives don't intersect any further.

What I am doing to heal that hole? Well, let's face facts. That hole, the big one where my heart used to be? It won't heal. It will most definately scar. But it won't heal. It's too big. It's too complex.

I can actually understand that expression "pining away" or "dying of a broken heart". I never did before this. I never could understand giving up the will to live because of another person. Please don't get me wrong - I'm not there - I just understand it so much better now.

I know most of you think I have flipped, probably since yesterdays post. But I want to assure you that no, I am not crazy. I am just putting pieces together from the last 7 years of my life to see a picture I never saw before. it's bringing a lot of situations into a very specific relief for me.

I won't predict the end of this. Because if the "connection" we share is still this strong after all is said and done, there won'd be much I can do about it. If we are supposed to be together, we are going to end up like magnet and steal. So I won't say forever and I won't say permanent. But I will say that as of now, four days after the last broken promise, I am done. I mourn the loss of my best friend in this. But I don't mourn the loss of being treated as second best if it all.

Being a musician, I tend to find music that speaks to me during specific points in my life and then I go back to it when I need it.

I have an entire playlist right now that deals with this. It includes "midnight train to Georgia", "Rosanna", "Coconut", "Breaking up is hard to do", "I'll be over you".

I'll be over you is the one that I keep hearing in my head though from the beginning. This song was recorded by Toto so many years ago, I think I was in HS. Here's part of it:

"As soon as my heart stops breaking
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you. "

I believe in these words because of that big hole. The words should be written like this:

"As soon as my heart stops breaking, anticipating, as soon as this hole heals up, I'll be over you."

Except that those words don't rhyme. And it wouldn't have a chance in hell of being a hit.

I'm still working. I'm still on the couch but I am not sleeping so great at night. I am waking up with acid reflux and my skin itches hideously.

And worse, I'm alone in this really. With a few exceptions, I haven't been allowed to tell anyone that we were together in the first place, so this decision is really going to make a few heads turn. "Our" Friends won't understand because I can't explain it.

Life is strange. I just want to be normal.