On crushes

Remember your first crush? How about one more recent?

I do. He was wonderful. So cute and a wonderful person. He was a year ahead of me at prep.

I realized today in talking with a student who has her first crush, how much this boy taught me when I was in school. To be sure, she is 10 and I was 13, but whatever - times they are a changin'.

We'll call my crush Richard. He was taller than I am ( not a stretch even now), same color hair and wonderful blue eyes. He was slim but not string beany. I met him in band. I played the flute, he played a brass intrument ( his primary source of income today incidentally).

We got to talking one early morning before school started, because I had an early morning lesson and he just arrived there to watch. I wasn't terribly excited at the prospect. And I told him so. He laughed at me, and mentioned that I looked familiar.

Time marched on, and we both found ourselves at those early morning lessons, study halls and lunch periods, down in the band room, or the auditorium. Alone more often than not.

I learned how to slow dance with this boy. He would hum "the way you look tonight" and teach me to dance. Right there on the stage.

We played the silliest of games. We would walk from chair to chair in the auditorium on the arm rests, jumping over the aisles. We had good balance and sometimes not such good balance.

He loved to sit with me and run his fingers through my hair, which was at that time, down to my waist. That 80's big haired thing was completely lost on me. My hair wouldn't then nor now ever support it.

We would play duets. We would file music. We would play the perfect pitch game on the piano - he would play a note with my back turned and I would "guess" what it was. I always won. Only then I didn't know why. Now I do. We had memorized the entire movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore and a Favorite past time on the phone was to throw out a line and see if the other person could name the next one.

After a long time of this loveliness, he decided to ask my best friend Sharon out. And she decided to accept.

I was devastated as only a teenager can truly be.

Then my best friend broke up with him.... days later at the most. He rode his bicycle ( a 12 speed we couldn't believe ANYONE our age would own something like that) to my house in the pouring rain, and cried in my arms that she had broken his heart.

I didn't say anything about my own heart and the pain I felt at what I perceived to be his deception. I was too young to know how. But not so young as to know that I won in the end.

So when my student tells me she has her first crush.... I think about the happy times before he dated Sharon. They flash to my mind immediately. I look at her face and she is glowing with happiness. Her eyes are brighter, her smile wider, she is buoyant. She has the attitude that only comes with a crush or falling in love that she can do anything.

She is very young. She is, as I said, 10. She asks me if she can sing "So in love" by Cole Porter.
I tell her that, honestly, it's not age appropriate. She can't sell it to the audience since she hasn't felt it. That's when she springs the crush on me. Evidently he is in her class and he treats her nicely.

She is beautiful. Blue eyes, blond hair.... But she carries some extra weight on her. I noticed today that she looked thinner and her clothing was different..... Ah ha - the crush! That explains EVERYTHING. Then she tells me she is a little bit tired because she woke up at 6AM today so she could exercize. I asked her what that meant - she told me she did 20 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes on 10 different exercizes with the ab roller and some pilates.

I commended her something awful. She is a smart young lady. so talented and so beautiful. I am really priveldged to teach her.

In talking with her, I realized that my crush on Richard was very important to me. It really gave me ground work on how I behave around men now. What I do today isn't dramatically different. Well.... I don't hop around on armrests anymore.... I'd probably break something!

The followup to this is that though he did date my best friend, he came back to me, and from there, we dated for a long time. My first crush became my first boyfriend. He treated me very well. We were good for each other.

Today he lives far away in another state. He has a family. We keep in touch periodically over the years. when he travels to NY for work, we try to get together for a drink. We're so far apart from those two middle school teens, but it's a nice piece of my history.

What I found most striking today, was how talking with my student brought it back to me in a specific relief. It suggested that there is some groundwork as to why I do some of the things that I do.

I left her smiling - we both were. She was thinking about her crush. And I was thinking about my first one. It was a lovely trip down memory lane for me and an educational one.

Just a quickie note

This is hardly a post but I have had an enormous amount of feedback regarding the publisher for my Dad's arrangement of "He's Gone Away"

It is Alfred Publishing. He's Gone Away arranged by Eric -------. For more information please comment this post with an email address and I will be happy to provide some additional information. It my be temporari;y out of print, but they will make an official copy for you for a fee if you choose to get the piece.

If I do say so myself, it's a wonderful arrangement for four part women and four part men and then in the middle its for SATB.

On tapping my inner Goddess

I forgot about that phrase.

I received a Myspace message from Jax today. She and I have corresponding that way for a week or two.

I told her all the things that I was doing for myself, and she only balked at the eyelash tinting and perming.

Hey - we can't all have perfect lashes on BOTH eyes.

So I filled her in on the rest of my "Contessa re-invention" as I like to call it. She told me that after a particularly daunting personal situation, she started tapping her own inner goddess. I had forgotten what a great phrase that was.

And it is indeed what I am doing.

I lost a 1.5 this past week - I am still floating from that victory. That's a total of 5 for 4 weeks that I have been eating differently.

I am filling ALL of my spare time with activity and work. Not Work-my-career-kind-of-work, but just things that need to be worked on for ME. Like my house, like my music, like my students, that kind of work. I have added 5 days of walking in the morning, I have now included 3 days of pilates in the afternoon.

Anything to keep my mind and body busy. It serves several purposes.

1. It keeps me from dwelling and ruminating on the personal issues in my life.
2. It keeps me fresh for the cat and mouse game I am a somewhat willing participant in
3. And It keeps the Contessa looking and feeling like a Contessa

And Let's face it - isn't that the real issue here?

Today, I took a nap. It was the BEST and most delicious nap I have had in awhile.

When I woke up, I put together a delicious glass of iced water with slice lemons and limes. And I set about looking on the internet for Green non=preseciption contact lenses.

And I found them

They aren't hideously expensive and I am finding my hazel eyes a bit boring. So I went to green.

I paid through Paypal and they will likely ship out tomorrow.

The new and Improved contessa is on her way....

Watch out world.

A melange of things

Today I had a busy and interesting day. And I like days like this because at least part of it is all about me, the other parts just include me and most of all it keeps my mind occupied.

And right now mind occupation is a good and important thing.

I had my voice lesson which was pretty good- I have so open ended questions about a performance I am supposed to do, but as I forgot to ask that's not my issue right now. I'll get it tomorrow.

So I went to Weight watchers and weighed in - 1.2 down. Very exciting - I was whistling on the way home and singing to upbeat Santana tunes ( the 70 degree weather was inspiring actually).

I got home and spent 40 minutes picking out outfits, changing. trying on new outfits. It was a tough call because I was going to a dinner party at my moms and didn't want to be too dressed up but not too casual and then there was the 20 degree swing in temperature that I needed to contend with.

I finally decide on a lovely sweater with three quarter length sleeves and horizontal stripes that alternate black, white and blue grey. Paired with black slim pants and 4 inch Black croc slides, I felt ready. Packed up my makeup and headed for my nail appointment.

Got my nails done, got waxed and had my eyelashes permed and tinted. The latter was a little bit torturous this week because my allergies were not happy, but it gave me the opportunity to practice some yoga deep breathing.

I headed to my mom's for her dinner party. Lot's of old friends and collegues. We had a lot of fun. I haven't seen these people in so long. It was lovely. We had a moment of remembrance for Rod. We ha a nice time catching up.

I left after 6 hours and drove home having eaten too much, but happy, having helped my mother in the kitchen - and she let me and didn't re-wash anything, and called an old friend I haven't talked to in 5-6 months. We caught up and agreed not to let the time get away and we're going to schedules some time to get together next week.

I have some major improvement plans for myself and I need to make some other adjustments to The plan:

1. Health:

I'm excerising more now - I have added pilates two - three times a week, walking is being ramped up to 5 days a week, core work every day.

I am eating healthier. I am shooting to get 3 dairy servings a day and 5 fruits and veggies servings.

I am keeping my portions small.

2 . Beauty:

All of the above AND

Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance.

I am getting green contacts. I have always wanted them so I am investing the money and doing it.

I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.

I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.

I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.

I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.

I am making my ob/gyn appt so I can get back on my birth control pills. My body works better on them. I went off out of necessity but that has passed and I need to go back on from a health perspective. The doctor suggested it and I agree - so I am going back soon.

I have a pedicure planned for May.

3. God

I am doing a lot of meditating. On myself and for others. I like that peaceful feeling when I am done so I am planning to make this a nightly plan.

I am planning on better attendance at church. I did not contact my priest yet on my situation but I do feel like I am in better control of it now. But as long as I continue my good relationship with God I think I will be OK for now. Not to be hokey but that's the way it is.

Going to meditate now...

A Myspace Stab to the heart and Prayer

I was poking around on Myspace yesterday - not a common occurance so much. I generally sign in and check to see if any of my posse has sent me a comment or a message then I am off to the race called life.

But last night, in the midst of some crisis in my town, involving a chopper, large searchlight and all circling the area 2 blocks south of me to 2 blocks east of me, I was just messing around in Myspace.

I happened upon some pictures of my friends brother. The one who has ALS. These are the before pictures in a very bad "before / after " game. He is a beautiful person but even more so now that I see how he's changed.

You see, now Alex has to be in a Wheelchair full time with neck support. He has lost most of his physical functionality. His mind, naturally, is sharp as ever. That's the nature of this disease. And it's tortorous to it's victims.

Alex is turning 46. He was diagnosed by process of elimination roughly 6-7 years ago.

I won an award last year for a fund raiser I did to help his family raise money for a Handicapped equipped Van for wheelchairs. I was never comfortable with winning the award to be honest. It struck me as weird. I should win award for helping someone who needed help? I was thrilled to have been chosen and I was grateful to my president who nominated me and for the committee who approved me. I have it hung on the wall in my home, with a ticket from the event and a Publicity photo taken of some of the powers that be and myself. None with Alex and I can't lay my hands on those. I would prefer to have that here.

I spent some time meditating on him after this. I want to do more to help him. The family is in disarray. I give them a lot of credit though. They work really hard. They are much closer than mine is so when this tragedy struck, they just spent their time finding ways to make it work. They challenged the disease head on. Not just for Alex, but for anyone who suffers from this deadly disease. And we all pray daily for a cure.

Reality is I am doing what I can at this point. I donate money through that family to ALS, I hosted a fundraiser to help them out, I help provide stress relief for his siblings through friendship. But that feeling of helplessness and knowing that his life is cut short at this young age, not because of death, but due to incapacity, hurts me. Like his brother, he's a fantastic musician. His reputation precedes him. He is well loved.

It was both lovely and painful to see just how much he is loved on Myspace. I have added Alex to our prayers for the sick at church. I believe in prayer in numbers.

Of late, I have been praying a lot on my specific situations. In , it is my first topic in my conversations with God. After that, I touch on blessings for family and friends, then specific situations for friends/family who are having a tough time. LAst night, I did a full meditation on Alex, later on, one on me, then I did my regular prayer time on everything/everyone else.

It seems like a lot, but I will only tell you this, my prayers may not give me the answer I want, but they give me an answer.

On Vanity

I was speaking to my mom briefly today. I mentioned that I may be late to her dinner party on Saturday because I need to get my eyelashes tinted and curled. She laughed at me.

So I reminded her that not having eyelashes on one eye is really troublesome. She had been through this in her youth as well and said that if these processes were available back then she would be doing them too. But they weren't so she had to wait for her eyelashes to grow back. Did you know that takes a really long time?

I cracked up when I realized where I got my vanity from. My mom. She is always put together, she loves clothes and shoes and her hair is always done and her makeup is always on.

Vanity - A little bit is a good thing.

Never underestimate the power of a new bra

About two weeks ago, I surveyed my bra drawer. Yes, I have an entire drawer dedicated to the support and decoration of breasts. Every color, design, function, format, type - it's all there. From VS to La Perla to Hanes to Reebok. Navy blue, Aqua, Strawberry, Green, Patterns, Satins, Silks, Cotton, Lycra....

It's a sickness in all likelihood. Especially when you hhave matching panties... seriously. Someone commit me.

My younger brother used to have a saying.... He's a collector of jackets and fine lingerie.

Well .... so am I. And I get to wear it.

So, in reviewing my bra drawer, it's occured to me that the whites could be whiter and the neutrals .... well the ain't so neutral. Time to ramp up.

I saw a commercial for the new Hanes bra. I'm not really a fan.... I like finer quality against my skin. But I was intrigued. And they were ten dollars on a sale. Unable to resist, I bought 6. 2 white, 2 neutral, 1 black and 1 lilac.

They arrived this morning but USPS. And the crazy postman who buzzes loudly fourteen times, sadly, no longer works this route. Instead there is a lovely woman who nicely brought them to my door.

I was going to a dinner meeting after teaching a lesson tonight. YAY I can wear my new brassiere!! What to wear over it now. I ended up wearing a pair of dress black pants, a cotton hip length ribbed turtleneck and my black 4 inch croc slides.

I looked pretty damn good if I do say so.

I was so damn confident walking into the meeting. As I was leaving, 2 of the guys wanted to know if I had had my hair done, another one asked if I had lost weight.

I noticed upon leaving that the wiggle in my step and sashay of my hips and perky gait of my walk were all back.

Ladies and gentlemen, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER underestimate the power of a new Brassiere!

On Exercise

Good Day.

I did a 45 minute pilates session today. I was pleasantly surprised. I am much more flexible than I gave myself credit for AND while there were a few exercizes that I was not able to complete fully, I got through a really good portion of it. There wasn't anything I couldn't do most of.

I did some yoga last night - a special program to relax you to go to sleep.

Bad news.

I was not able to sleep.

So I have decided not to do that too late at night.

so I have decided that for the rest of April, I will walk 2 miles, 5 days per week, pilates 2 days a week and yoga two days a week.

The Modified "Plan" on activity is ultimately to do the walking every day, 7 days max, 5 days min. 2 days on pilates, 2 on yoga and 2-3 on weight training.

This plan will not be taking effect though until late May or June. I need to get into the routine first and make it a habit which should be the rest of April.

Once I have done that, I will add each layer. First the pilates and yoga. Then the firm Body sculpting.

The eating right has been 3 weeks and I am seeing the difference. I am feeling the difference.

This is a good change for me.

a short thought

I just noticed in conversations with my team today, that I haven't noticed how bad things have been at work since last Wed/Thurs.

Normally, it's an hourly deluge of crap from them..... but not as much as you'd think.

What I noticed most about it is, I had something else consuming me from my personal life which made the job hell seem a lot more trivial than it is. FL girl just called and she's addressing the crap directly now. As a peer...

Interesting how the one thing that consumed me for 18 months was suddenly paled by something else... and it escaped my notice....

Later - I'll be back with a real post

Update on weight loss and self care.

I won't lie.

I haven't been attending my WW meetings the last 2 weeks.

I have, however, been vigilant on what I am eating and my scale in my house is proof. THe number keeps shifting down which is the way I like it. I am making a deal with myself to really turn the screws and get moving this week on activity. It has to happen. I also need to continue my skin regimin. It's really working - I look good. I am making my hair appointment at the end of the month - cut and color and then maybe if there's time and money - a facial. Yay me. and of course the requisite eyelash perm and tint. We are experimenting with extensions in May. If it's good, I'll invest the money in having it done. then I won't need perming and tinting. Just maintenance on the extensions. Thats a dream come true. I LOVE eyelashes!!! the longer the better.

A truer testatment is that I am not emotionally eating. And those of you who have been paying attention/actually know/reading between the lines, know that the risk for that was HIGH this week.

I drank instead. A really big surprise even to me. not my norm because I hate the lack of control. And I'm off that too for awhile. A glass of wine now and then but that's it. I don't need to blow off steam that badly and the end result is not good for me.

I slept like a top last night. I took some melatonin just to ease the process, but it was wonderful and refreshing. I feel good.

I don't know how many of you readers take any stock in astrology. I am open to it personally, but don't revolve my life around it. I actually get in trouble with it. when I am not really reading or paying attention or worse, dismissing it, that's when it sneaks up and bites me in the ass. Hard.

I readily admit that I think some of these people who write them are hokey. And some aren't.

My horoscope is hilarious. As I mentioned I tend to dismiss. I have a friend who SWEARS by it and she mentioned that with the shifts my life has recently taken, it might be a good idea to consult it. I almost died laughing on the one for this week and next week. This week is all about self care ( see above) and next week well... I'll make you wait for that so we can see together if the person writing these is really in tune with the universe....

It was too funny. And it happens to me all the time. And yet, you would think that might make me a believer in the mystical and it doesn't - not 100% and not enough. I love tarot cards - won't stake my life on it, the mermaid oracle - a personal favorite ( they are so pretty! ) also fun, but still a crap shoot, atrology.com ( the better of most sites by the way...) facade.com for tarot readings.... quite a hoot actaully.

Doesn't make me a full time believer and yet I go there when the chips are down. Why? I am looking for the clues from the universe that I may have missed. Then I can have my own private V-8 moment - hit myself in the head and say " crap - I should have been paying attention to the universe - and had a V-8!)

Untitled Post

Today was the second Sunday of Easter.

THe Gospel of choice in Christian based churches was about THomas - doubting Thomas.

I adore my priest. He's young ( my age roughly). He spoke of his worst year. The year he couldn't wait to have over. He mentioned that he was in a job he hated, a church that wasn't comfortable, a masters program that wasn't working for him, family was having issues and he was alone. He went on to mention that good friends will stay with you and help you see the sun on the dark days, good friends will walk with you when you need them too and sometimes carry you when that's required.

I have to be honest, somehow that tied into the Gospel for today. I really didn't get past those last words. They are very true. And the ones who do this often times come from places you don't expect.

Bernie's version was a little bit different.... A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body. Same idea - with his unique twist of humor.

But the part that gets confusing is when the problems are with one of the "best friends". That's where we deal differently and it's subtle, very subtle and it needs to be handled delicately to a degree so as not to shake the foundation up too much. Right?

Or is it? Do you avoid? Do you confront? Do you pretend everything is normal and hope the awkwardness goes away?

I don't know the answers here.... but that's actually OK for now. Because I have other friends who are carrying and CARING for me right now when I need them.

You all know who you are.... Thank you for caring about me enough to help me through this. It's tough on me, but I am taking this to a higher power sometime this week. I have a wonderful counselor in my priest and I have talked over things with him of significantly more importance in the scheme of my life. In reading some of your blogs, you picked me up and carried me when you were not in an optimal place for yourselves. And in light of that..... I am grateful. Very, truly blessed and grateful.

It is kind of Strange though. While it's very important to me, I can't help taking a step back and thinking "how junior high is this?" or worse yet "This is embarassng to be dealing with when there are people out there grieving for lost loved ones, war, rape, death, illness...." But in the end, its still real to me and not going away. It's just dulled a bit after a lot of tears and then some sleep, then more tears. I prayed a lot this morning. Shortly I will be heading to bed and I will pray again. I have had several discussions with my dad ( don't look at me like that, I know he's dead. I still talk to the man and sometimes, when it's important, that's when I get my answers! ).

In fact, a problem solving technique that I like to employ is to shelve the problem until a set date and time. Anytime it comes up, you repeat some lovely mantra or phrase that works for you. Mine is " Put down the problem and step away! It's not to be touched until ____"

My timetable here is not reliant on me. But I am not going to address the issue before April 20. If it's forced prior to that, I'll cross that bridge then.

On Murder Mysteries

The party was overall a success. The food was good, everyone came in costume, the drinks were wonderful. The company was good. we had a grieving widow, a nun a priest, a forensic specialist, a ferry captain, a french restauranteur, a real estate agent, an investigator, a chauffeur, a slutty secretary and a simple forestor.

The chauffeur and grieving widow were the murderers. My poor friend who played the chauffeur, took one look at the first round that outted him with a clue to conceal that stated he as the murderer, he made me go wiht him to the bedroom to explain what was happening... it was funny.

He brought his new lady friend who played Inspector Flic. Very nice, I like her a lot for him. In fact I told him I liked her better than him! I'm kidding of course.

My dinner was delicious. One friend had too much to drink and I argued with them in order to keep them here as long as possible. When the argument was over 40 odd minutes later, they were sobered up! I can't prevent them from leaving so I argue until they sober up. I can keep that game up from hours. Especially since I was sober. and they weren't. Verry entertaining.

Had the entire house cleaned up and everything put back by the end of the night for the most part. I am pretty pleased with that overall.

I liked the murder mystery but someone else has to host it next time. It was very tiring. And I didn't sleep well either though that's the mode of choice these days.

This was a lot of fun. I Highly recommend it!!!

More prepared for my party than I expected

The day was hectic. I ran around like a wingnut getting everything ready for this party. The party I am not in the mood to host. Nothing against my friends, but I am not in a party mood.

It's a good thing that I am doing it anyway. The fact remains that if I am busy I can't think or react. So those two things aside, this has the potential to be good for me.

I am the master of hiding when I need to. I feel like I need to, but not allowing myself that luxory. Not now and not on this.

A very wise point was made today, that I was sliding fast. That's true. So stopping myself midslide seems like the wise thing to do. I am picturing myself, fallen, on a ski slope, unable to go down any further but with no viable means to get back up to the top.

So I was relieved when the hand was held out to help me back up to the top. I had been planning to ask for that help from this specific individual, but there never seemed to be a good time. I felt like it was a productive discussion and while I still have the fear, it's much easier to deal with. The conversation led me to more questions than answers butI can't tell you how relieved I feel. Though nothing truly got resolved, I am no longer angry and upset. Yes, I shed a few tears but that was the reality of the situation being painted in front of me. The good part is I have that hand to help me back up the mountain.

Now, I have never thought of myself as stupid, but maybe I am. In certain specific areas. For example. If someone calls and leaves me a message saying " I need to talk to you, it's urgent, I'll call you back tomorrow" I'll climb the walls until I know what's going on. Likewise when I was younger and my mom would say "Wait until UB gets home" or even younger "Wait umtil your dad gets home" I would dbe panicking and flipping out until the inevitable happened.

So surprises don't sit well with me unless they are good ones. And please don't be swayed and give me clues because that will only make me crazy and not in the good way. I anticipate the worst because I have never had a major surprise that was a good one. One that was just about me an other people. Oh yes the surprise Christmas/birthday gifts for sure but I am talking about something other than the material.

So keeping myself busy is a good thing. I can't get caught up in the possible ( and lets face it probable ) bad outcome. I am considering filing this week under "fun memories" and calling it over. I think its the right thing to do. Although, to be fair, I am basing all of this on my own feelings and opinions. Is that the right thing to do? Should I take into acount the other's involved ? Probably.

I think I am alone in this to be honest. So I am going to mentally treat this as if I am. If I am wrong, I'll deal with that when it comes up.

So I am busy and now I am planning to be sleeping.

Oh - I ate Pina coloda flavored Cashews tonight for dinner - I HIGHLY recommend these.

Au Revoir - Fait de beau reves!

Things are better because I decided they need to be

Now I woke up this morning and for the first time in literally 7 days, I didn't dream about the situations that I have been dealing with this week.

At least I don't readily recall the dreams if they were happening. That's a relief.

The reason being: the first two nights were wonderful. Deep sleep, lovely just lovely dreams.

The second two nights - comme ci comme ca - not bad but not winning awards in the happiness department.

The last two nights were positively abismal. I was very upset upon wakin up and it carried through my day.

So this morning when I woke up and realized that I wasn't dreaming in a memorable fashion AT ALL, I was kind of relieved.

I had had a nice hot bath and read my frivolous book after working at the house to make it party ready for Saturday.

I took one look at my body and noticed hives. My whole body from the hips up. I freaked out.

I felt fine and if I hadn't had the bath I would not have noticed right off. I took some benedryl and all of my normal creams and lotions and allergy meds etc. I went to bed and woke up feeling refreshed but most importantly the hives, while not yet gone, have gone down some.

It was stress related. This is a new one. I usually eat!

But no eating for me. I had no time. So I got hives. so now the question becomes do I eat and be fat or be thin and hivey?

Tough call.

The bottom line is stress does strange things to the body. So for the sake of my personal self preservation, I have decided that things are OK. They have to be for my health.

The entire point of this post is, I can be sad about the end result of this situation, or I can be hopeful and look for a silver lining. I am generally a positive person, but only in certain situations do I jump to the negative first. Those situations are usually wrapped in my self esteem issues. Am I good enough, do I do the job well, will they like me? things like this. Of course my appearance has something to do with that as well. While I am working on that, I still believe that I am a beautiful woman inside and out.

So in order to preserve my health and my sanity, after some conversation on the topic last night, I just woke up and decided that I am going to try not to worry, not to be sad and fearful and just go on being fabulous. I have now changed my outfit for the party somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 times and I am really still nervous about it, but I think it will be OK. I can't tell you that Saturday and Sunday's posts are going to be OK. I simply do not know.

I thank you all for your support here - this has been a rough week and while compared to some REALLY bad things that can happen, this is but a drop in the bucket and could go a good way too. Time will tell.

On drinking

OK, here's the deal.

My family has a history of unaddressed alcoholism. Social drinking was de rigeur and most of our parents did it. The Scotch after work to unwind, the wine with dinner, etc.

I still socially drink, but I rarely if ever drink alone and not because of the stigma. I will occasionally have my red wine with a nice meal at home alone, or I will have a glass of wine or the bubbly in my bath at night. But I keep those occasions rare to make them more of a special treat for myself.

But in times of intense stress or release of said stress, I find that if I am out with friends or at a party, I will drink and possibly drink more than I normally would at home in my bath.

Not to get drunk, not my intention because I don't like the loss of control and I hate the next day passionately.

So in light of the positive resolution to my work situation which included a holographic apology from the customer, I went to an event and proceeded to have 3 martini's in four hours.

And forgot to eat.

I paid very dearly too. The hangover wasn't even the worst part - not great, but it wasn't bad because I ate when I got home and I loaded up with fluids So not too terrible, tired but ok.

It's the principle behind the thing. I have open ended items that are makng no head way and I can't force them. So the reality is the job thing sent me all the way down the slippery slope that I was on already. The resolution presented it self late in the day so I was in a much improved mood, but not at the top of slope yet.

That situation requires other people to participate in the resolution and if I force it I am possibly forcing the resolution the wrong way. It's a precarious fall for me really and I don't have a lot of breathing room. What bothers me most about this scenario is that I really don't have the control over it and if I am honest with myself, I have already allowed it to take over too much real estate in my brain. With no realistic end in sight.

So when the situation to have a signature drink at this event came up, I tried one, liked it and went back for another. Never once activating my normal plan which is to alternate the drink with soda or water, which I normally do.

Having paid my dues to the Martini God, in the form of a very very very mild hangover that I recovered from quickly, the problem is me.

I'm being cautious, I'm being careful. But it's not enough. So it's sitting inside and festering.

I'll sort it out, but if I am honest with myself, I am afraid of the resolution.

Stay tuned.

On not going to bed mad

"Don't go to sleep B-4 U put your bad feelings to bed. If U lie down angry U wake up the same. Let it go, 'cause if ya don't it'll eat U up. Be sad if U have to, but not forever. Be mad if U must, but stop & think. Life is messy...& that's what makes it fun!"

This is a hard one for me.

You see as a rule, I play my truest, deepest feelings, good, bad, angry, sad, all of them very close to the vest. If I am telling you about it, there is a good change that either A. I have no choice, B. The drama of the feeling has paled enough to deal with in the light of day or C. It wasn't that big of a deal in the first place.

I noticed this first when I had my first beau. I refused to mention his name out loud to anyone in the household. They only noticed when he called on the phone to speak to me and my clearly obvious reaction. An example of me not having a choice.

On the flip side, I didn't really react to my parents divorce either. That took so many years for me to deal with that by the time I was prepared it was such old news that it didn't matter. Likewise, since my older step brother was behaving like a mad idiot about the whole thing, why did I need to have a tantrum too? The facts remained that neither his parents nor mine should have been married to each other. Each couple divorced and his dad my mom married and thats that. THe reality is - that union still exists and is still happy. So here's an example of it paling by the time I was ready to deal with it.

And still a third scenario is about it not being THAT big of a deal in the first place. Like the bit with my family this past fall. That was less about me and more about others. Why did I have such a hard time with it. I only spoke of it to a small handful of people outside the family for perspective. When I finally got to a day to speak to my priest the reality was that this wasn'nt my issue at all. It was others. So I bowed out and made everything easier for me. Not my normal behaviour, usually I assume other's problems.

Now, given that we know that I keep my most intense and important things to myself, how the hell am I supposed to sleep and let them go???? When you can't control the situation??? I am telling you this I have some things I can't let go of right now and they aren't sitting so very well for me. One of the top two is that I have a meeting tomorrow that is sheer stupidity and I am the scapegoat and there is not a DAMN thing on this earth that I can do to control it. My good name is being sullied here and I can't personally alter it. So how to let that go? I am angry and hurting and I totally feel like no one gives a damn.

And of course - how could anyone? If you don't know about it ( because I keep it close to the vest - come on keep up!) how is this anyone else's fault? It's not. I'm not that unreasonable.

I had a kidlette, who could have been me at that age, fall completely to pieces on Monday. She just told me that she was under a lot of stress (at age 10) and started to cry. If I hadn't been stunned into silence ( yes I was!) I probably would have joined her. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence. We talked for a long time. No answers readily came through. It was just burying each little hurt and pushing it down inside till there was no more room.

Sound Familiar?


So here I am, sitting in my house in the dark. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus and I feel like crying. but I don't have that much saved up, not like my kidlette. Just a handful of things. None do I have control over.

Because I have this lack of control, all I feel is frustration. I can't decide what the answers are and I can't really talk it over with people.

I have another 5 kids to teach between now and Friday and I have to be upbeat for them. They deserve that much for the money I get paid to do this.

I am hosting a party I am not ready for and part of me is dreading it. PArt of me is excited. We'll see.

I have another party at the end of the month - dreading it. and can't wait to go.

I am exhausted. I flipped my mattress and changed my bedding to the pretty springtime bedding I bought last year. No- it didn't help.

Yeah life is messy and sometimes that's fun.

I wish it was more fun right now than it is.

Am I overthinking this?

Well one thing's for certain, I'm not underthinking it.

Sound like I am ranting - no??? forgive me.

The Plan: Month 3: Check Point

I am a tad late in my month three Check point.....

Scenario 1 - Health

• Exercise - Really not so great here. I am more active overall but I am not doing regular activity. I am really committed to this for Month 4. I just thought I would be better at it by the end of this month but no.
• Food - I have seriously turned a corner. I have lost about 3 lbs in the last 2 weeks and I am feeling better than ever. I continue on this plan and my clothes are going to fit better than ever. My mom even commented how well I look.
• Journal - Honesty in my journal has become the primary. I am being very specific and weighing everything. It is actually gone well for me because I am eye-balling things better now making eating out or at someones home less of a crisis.
• Overall Health Management - My skin looks OK but it's allergy related. We have a high pollen count here ( High 9's) so I am actually feeling better than I should. I completed an internal cleanse and am doing the daily upkeep now. Lots of water and healthy food.
• Scenario 2 - Job/Career
• Boss is vindictive. We as a team are standing our ground with him. We have even agreed to jump levels on complaints if the need arises.
• Our Communication as a team has really improved over this past month. We are really working well as a unit now.
• We continue to give boss busy work to do so we can get our work done.
• I am just doing the best job I know how and taking the lead away from boss as often as possible while making sure that anything that has to have boss's name attached to it as actually done by Boss.
• I'm taking my lunch when I am supposed to. I am taking random 15-20 minute breaks to get my brain focused. I am shutting down at 5 and I no longer work weekend, after hours or holidays unless I am on call.
  
• Scenario 3 - My home
• It's clean and neat and that's all I can ask right now. The plans for interior design have been put off due to every weekend being tied up and NYSSMA

• Scenario 4 - finances
• My financial plan must be working because I am not feeling as much of a pinch as I had been.
• I am staying with Chase temporarily till I find someone better. Honestly their website has more minuses than pluses, but the pluses are big ones.
• I wrapped up my 401K loan just in enough time to pay my taxes this time. Which was the plan.

• Scenario 5 - Education
• Getting my kids ready for Solo festivals in this state.
• I am scheduled to take the adjudication courses next year ( The sign up was over by the time I found about it...)
• Still studying voice and doing well. I'm on hiatus performance -wise for awhile.

• Scenario 6 - Family & Friends
• Easter was wonderful. I spent the day with my brother and his in laws. My mom was there and my step dad, Mariana an Bill and their kids.
• Sister had her baby shower. It was a baby shower. But she received some lovely gifts.
• I am hosting a belated birthday party this weekend for my friends. It will be a lot of fun.
• My Friends are an interesting group of folks and I love them so very much. I spend time with my Jenna and her family - I adore them so. Eeman comes by when he can or I stop at a gig. Chris and I email, Lil and I catch up on the phone. It's wonderful. Chris is having a party soon too - a 70's theme!!! Yay!!!

• Scenario 7 - Self esteem
• Remember the low point with the Chinese food? Haven't had any since. Seriously. But that's all to the good. I love it, but it's not worth the caloric intake. I'm sure the delivery guy misses me.
• My self esteem is up up up up up up up up up. I just have to keep the euphoric feeling going.
• Life lessons are taking hold, I am already caught up and behind again. It's not that I am not doing the work, I am just not writing it down. I am reading a new book that always boosts my self esteem and confidence. It's called A bombshells guide to life.
• I am spending more time telling myself that I am beautiful. I am told that by others, but I can't believe them until I believe it. So I continue to dress and do my hair and put on my lipstick, but I am attractive even if I am just lounging in my home. I just have to remember that.
• I am doing my life Makeovers. This is a great help for putting my life in order.
  
• NEW Scenario - Faith
• Was not able to get to church as often as I wanted this month, but I did make a point of being there the week before Palm Sunday, the week of Palm Sunday and of course all of Holy Week.
• My Lenten reflections were on the good things that I have been provided with in my life. I know that I have a great capacity for love and I am using it to my best ability right now. I am using it for good and trying to do this unselfishly. I am in some uncharted waters here and will likely need guidance. Love is tough for me. Not actually loving, but the decision to allow it to happen at all. That is very hard for me.

I handled this month better in many ways and worse in others than Months 1 and 2. I had challenges I didn't plan on, some good and some not so good and some have the jury still out on. I will be continuing this plan and we'll see how it goes Next month!

As usual my credit line goes to Post - Doc for "the plan" and the inspiration to adopt it!

How much to say in a blogpost

I have some things in the hopper right now and I can't bring myself to post about them publicly yet.

Things like work, I can't put in publish mode. Not the gut wrenching brutally honest ones at any rate. For all good reasons.

But I was reading a book the other day. It's an old book that I read as teen an I kept the trio around because the author is very profound though she chooses to address the teen set. However, as an adult, I read these books from time to time on a different but yet the similar perspective as I did when I was younger.

Madeleine L'Engle wrote The Wrinkle in time series - wonderful. But the "Meet the Austins" Series is the one I keep around. A Ring of Endless light is an amazing story of a teenaged girl struggling with the death of a granndparent while living with her family at her grandparents home. She is also simultaneously dealing with boys and love, siblings and growing up in general. None of which is easy at any age. She is a poet.

The perspective I have now on this particular story is interesting. I used to identify with our Heroine, Vicky, most of the time. I still do in strange ways, but I find myself identifying with all the other characters in the story. Like the Widow who becomes the nurse to Vicky's grandfather. Her husband dies saving someone from drowning right in the first chapter of the story. He leaves behind two sons. One is younger thanVicky ( her younger sisters age in fact ) and the other is going off to college in the fall.

The widow speaks to her sons about grief in the book. It's a very short moment, but it always stuck with me. It's about life and death. Its about affirmations of life when tragedy strikes. The conversation between our heroine and dthe widow's eldest son seems pertinent to me right now....

" Why have I been so hungry all summer?" I asked

"Because eating is a part of life. So is loving"
It rang true. "Let's concentrate on eating, then. For now." Then I asked, "Have you been hungry too?"
"Famished. I talked to my mom about it, and she expained about it being an urge to live. When Dad's father died, he had a heart attack unexpectedly, just like dad - they wept, and then they made love. And she showed me that this wasn't being disrespectful but a-- what did she call it? An affirmation of the goodness of life."

-Madeleine L'Engle, A Ring of Endless Light

Since the title of this post is "How much to say in a blogpost", the answer is clear to me right now on this topic. The quote says all of what I need to say right now.

Blogging is interesting. I am an honest person by definition but I notice that I am careful with how and what I write lest I offend someone close to me. And I can tell you that I have had one friend me why I felt a particular way about them when I met them. It wasn't a bad thing, just a timing thing. I am sensitive to others feelings and even when they may drive me crazy, I won't write what I am feeling at the time, because worse than saying things you don't mean, is writing them. It sits there in cyberspace eternally in print. Just like words spoken can sit on the soul forever.

So not writing what I want to write at this point is a little bit troublesome, but I will get it sorted at some point and write something appropriate thats deferential to others. I just can't break a confidentiality agreement that I sign for work on paper, or a verbal one that I make to myself or a friend. I will wait it out till I can put my feelings into appropriate words that only affect me and no one else.

At an emotional impasse

My life is stranger than fiction.

No, no, no. It is. I am used to it, but I forget when people like yourselves pick up and read this blog, how unreal some of the things that happen to me must seem.

And yet they are all true.

I noticed this week that I am in an amazingly good mood and when the mood is this good, I don't write in my blog. Why is that? Wouldn't you think I would WANT to document happy occasions? I mean, happy for me - not just ordinary happy occasions like wedding and baby showers with 400 dollar strollers.

I have been working on this post since Valentines Day and keep setting aside. I love stories of how couples got together. I mean long term couples. I find in these stories the coincidences that could have caused the lives to go a different way. Like the couple who meets but they are both involved with others and they keep meeting one only one was single, until the universe deemed the timing right and they both meet and party or a friends home or whatever. This is an example of the kind of thing I am talking about. I have a friend, Maplemama, who met her husband at a wedding where she caught the bouquet and he caught the garter, but then didn't see each other again till much later. When they finally met, it was their time. The couple in my first example, they kept running into each other until the universe said "OK ENOUGH IT'S YOUR TIME NOW".

I love that.

I see these things happen and I like to dissect them and figure out where it went right AND where it went wrong. Especially for myself. I'm very trepidacious with myself though. I am usually the one who will deny myself that crazy raw emotional feeling that comes in the beginning. I will not even acknowledge it for fear that I will jeopardize the whole shebang. So when do you know it's your time? When Do I know it's my time? Is the nervousness gone? Is the shyness that suddenly disappears and the intense feeling of comfort a sign?

I just don't know.

Not yet, anyway. Too soon to tell.

So I continue to sit back and let the universe make it's decisions for me. I am not one who gives my heart that easily but when I do, it's the whole deal. I spent many years in love with the entirely WRONG person because I made the mistake of confusing sex and love. Not the first person to make that mistake, I realize and I chalk to my 20's and discovery of myself. The reality was I wasn't in love with that person and the more I see of him and his family now, the more confirmed that becomes for me. So with that experience behind me from my 20's, I now am a little bit more selective about who I allow myself to care for. It's really easy for me to care for someone and really hard for me to recover when it doesn't work is no longer an option.

But I have a neat little talent within myself. What I do, is I look at love in a multi layer type of cake. There is friendship love, there is familial love, there is romantic love, and then there is long term accepting love. Each layer can operate independently. They can operate in almost any version of combinations. They can operate as a whole.

So when one layer is no longer functioning or has been blasted into the universe, I review the other layers in that combination and decide are the remaining layers worth fighting to keep in my life and is it something that will work for both people? If I can step back after the healing has started and my soul says yes, I immediately re-group and start working at the new relationship.

My example is the guy from my 20's. He's happily married with children now. I adore his wife and we are all good friends. But the reality is, if that were me, we'd be divorced. So the universe was using him as a teaching tool for me. He taught me a lot of things about myself that I wouldn't know when I did and I don't regret a sinlge instance of that. The pain was worth the knowledge that I have about myself now.


Back to the layer analogy, the soul's ability to say "yes" to the a new layer combination minus the romantic love, is the tough part. I have to really let go, and let my inner soul do the talking and that has taken YEARS of practice. The tendency, when any kind of breakup or parting of the ways happens, is to keep that person around in any capacity in hopes of a reconciliation. I am the first one to say I am guilty of that. But that's not doing your human-ness a good turn at all. That doesn't teach you the lesson you needed to learn from the breakup of with that person. The breakup is a sign that this is either A. the wrong person for you or B. The right person for RIGHT NOW to teach you something specific so that C. When the right person arrives or returns to your life, you are in the right position to accept them.

When the soul finally comes to the decision that its ready to take on the new blended version of the relationship, it's going to be hard and take some work. You have to commit to it up front. And it requires communication, honesty and respect for the persn and the space that the two of you need. I find that if I put the work in and a few months down the road that person is mysteriously absent from my personal terain, than I wasn't that committed and I was holding that person to me for selfish reasons and hoping for the reconcilliation.

So I have an open ended question ahead of me. And I truthfully do not have a blessed clue about the answer yet.

But for the very first time ever in my life, I am not shy about it, I am not afraid of it and I have made my peace with whatever is the universe's decisions. There is no jealousy of others and there is no fear.

Only hope.

Because through hope, and through the universe's lovely methods, I have gained back the willingness to risk my heart when the time is right. I have gained the confidence that if I lose this round, there will be others and I will be fine.

Happy Easter!

Sudden sadness

My dad published an arrangement of "He's Gone Away" many many years ago.

I have sung it half a dozen times in my adult life and I was priveledged to conduct a small select group of long time members to honor him at his final concert.

So, when our director decided to honor the deceased members of the Chorale at this next concert, it didn't really register that we would be singing this song.

So it was handed out on Sunday. We started singing it and I found myself crying. All the way through till the end.

I was really surprised because my dad's been gone nearly 4 years.

Now, I don't know how many people really caught on that I wass crying as I held the music up to hide my face from view.... not that I was embarassed, mind you. Frankly I think folks expected it to be honest.

But it was the 27th Anniversary of my dad and my step mom's engagement and it was only at that moment that I realized it and I couldn't show her my tears as I sit facing her. That wouldn't be fair to her. She has a tough enough time with it.

The song is short - it's a folk song really. The lyrics go like this:

He's gone away for to stay a little while.
But he's coming back, for he's gone 10 thousand miles.
And who will tie your shoes?
And who will brush your hair?
And who will kiss your ruby lips?
When he is gone, gone away?
Over yondro.

I can hear Bernie now saying "What is a Yondro???" Bernie - I don't know. Let me know if you do or we can add it to the dictionary near nogoodnick.

It's a beautiful song and a lush arrangement.

It kept me weepy for a few days. I couldn't really get the song out of my mind and at the same time when I noticed it was on my mind, the tears would come. What I fail to understand is why this happens almost 4 years later. seriously, I still expect him to call and ask me how my boys ( cats) are. ask me how work is, tell me his latest joke. It's weird.

When he retired from directing the chorale, we got him a plaque.

It says "He's Gone Away"

Palm Sunday

Palm Sunday was yesterday.

I dressed appropriately for Church and went to Dunkin Donuts to get my coffee ( That's my special treat on Sat and Sun -I don't MAKE my own coffee - I buy at there. ) before my rehearsal with the Choir.

I get there and the Choir Director/organist is in the Chapel with some members of the choir. We reviewed a piece that I am playing the flute on for Maundy Thursday ( I was actually a Flute major in under grad! ). Our priest came in and sang his part, the choir did their part ( I sing most verses with them) and then I played the intro and closer to the tune. Boom. we were done.

Church begins in the parish hall. We do the blessing of the palms. We read the blessing of the palms and coordinating lessons and Gospel. Then we recreate the ride into Jerusalem by processing out of the church,palms in hand, and walk around the building to the sanctuary ( yes - outside), singing Ride on Ride on in Majesty a capella. I get to the lead the troops here, because I have perfect pitch so I can get them in on the right notes so we match up with the Organ in the Sanctuary when we get there.

Once Inside, we start our service as we normally would on a random sunday. We process down the center aisle to the alter, split off and and walk around the side aisles, out the door and up to the choir loft.

We continue through the service. We sing our anthem, Lift up your heads, oh ye gates. ( No not the one from Messiah), and wrap things up.

I head over to my students house, where I proceed to give her a double lesson. 10 years old and she has an hour an half lesson. She is in Once Upon This Island and learned her songs wrong. So we had to go back to the drawing board. She cantored that day and didn't look at the music she was assigned on Wed until Sunday morning. I nailed her on that, because it sounded like she was seeing it for the first time. Her sightreading for NYSSMA however was astly improved, so that was a plus. I probably spent a good 30 mnutes out of that hour and half lecturing her - and I HATE that I had to do it at all. Not a solid 30 mins - 30 mnutes spread out over the entire time.

Lesson was overall good though. She was very focused and she is stopping the baby talk and using her words to speak to me without being reminded 20 times.

My brother called and invited me to his in-laws for Easter Sunday - so that wil be fun.

I went home and watched TV, literally, the rest of the day until my rehearsal. I needed to decompress and for those of you who know me, I can't ordinarily sit still that long. But I did and I'm not sorry. I had a lot of plans for that day, but nothing that couldn't wait. I caught up with some friends, read some blogs, but largely just sat.

I was bored witless. I couldn't even identify the feeling because I haven't been bored since the third grade. I discovered that I ate all day long yesterday due to boredom. the good news is, Noticing that I was bored and that I was eating to compensate, I was also eating good and healthy things like fruit and vegetables. I wasn't eating crap or heavy foods. I had yogurt which Wolfi felt should be partially his. Overall, my snacking was reasonable. I just have to address the behaviour. I felt good about that and the fact that each item I ate, got written in my food journal.

At rehearsal that night, I spoke to the other "normal" soloist about the directors mid week calls. I wanted to know if I was the only one that recieved them, and thankfully, no I wasn't. She had the president of the group shut them down, so I will be doing the same thing. The problem for me, is that the director is also my voice coach. It will work out.

I took a hot bath and rested last night. I fell asleep fairly quickly and slept through the night with no aid. It was wonderfully refreshing.

It wasn't the Palm Sunday I planned on, but it wasn't a bad substitute.

PLaying Ketchup - or Catch-up!

I know it's been a few days for you, my faithul readers.... So let me clue you in to how things are going:

At work, project SSB has generated a lot of work and re-work. Since this is a custom application that we are developing each plan has huge failure point. Not just internally to the company but at the customer side too. We have yet to hit our stride yet and are still overcoming many frustrating obstacles. No one's fault, it's just a matter of hitting the hurdle, communicating about it and finding a reasonable workaround that's timely and efficient for all parties. It's been stressful - but not too hideous.

I ran into a potential HR case, but stood up for myself and refused on the basis of ethics. HR Case abandoned. Things are OK now there.

Diet and Exercize: OK I haven't actually shown up at a Weight Watchers meeting in 3 weeks but I have been working super hard at it. What that meant for me today was, since my last weigh-in ( February 17), I had NO IDEA whether my efforts had paid off.

Well here's the reality. My weight is up. But would have been much higher had I not been making the efforts that I did the last three weeks. Additionally my clothing is bigger on me. So it's OK an I"ve made my peace with it. It's very possible for me to correct this even further by tightening up the reins even more. So I am at a peaceful alertness with things as they stand now.

My asthma and allergies are back at a manageable level so I have clearance to exercize again. Which I started on Thursday. And Friday I was unable to move like the 30 something I am, I felt 9 MILLION years old. But I loved it. I took a hot bath and relaxed in the tub wiht my book. Today, Saturday, I feel fabulous - so like the masochist that I am with this stuff, I will be exercizing again today.

Music is on a temporary Hiatus till Easter is over. HOly Week is HUGELY busy for me with services every night from Wed through Sunday. It is for my coach as well.

I had a wonderful conversation with my girlfriends at WW today. It was like the old times. The three of us were talking to one another about topics that we could all appreciate and participate in. I was really enjoying it. I missed it a lot. I'm so glad about it really. I missed those two!

I have big plans to hang pictures today, iron and change my curtains and slipcovers. I want to organize my CD's over the next few days. My plans are to light Yankee Candles and just go to work.

Oh and I bought a new toilet seat. It's very cool. It's kind of sad that I get excited by a toilet seat but I have wanted this one for awhile and it was way too expensive until now. It's still a bit pricey but has come down to my range. I also bought a teapot that matches my china pattern - it was reasonable and they no longer make them so it was a nice find.

I'm calling my emergency super to come fix the cold water tap in the house. Since the boiler incident last week, it doesn't work correctly. I am begging my neighbor to drill holes in my wall to hang my mirror for me as he has the correct type of drill for the plaster/cement combination that exists on the exterior and adjoining walls in the condo.

So Lots of good things happening now, still very frustrated with work, but things are getting better overall in the other areas of my life.

Hosting A Murder Mystery

I LOVE to entertain.

Up until now I have not done a lot - maybe 3-4 times a year for a large group and 5-6 times for 2-4 people.

So in honor of some friends birthdays ( of which one is normally my large group party in the winter), we decided to host a Murder Mystery.

This was a really great idea. I did some research on line and found a wonderful site that supplies everything one needs to Host a Murder Mystery Dinner.

I was able to find one called Murder on the French Riviera. This is really cool and supports 12 players and you can add non essential players for more guests.

It creates and emails the invitations. You can also print them and mail them if you need to. They provide and create individual webpages for each guest. these pages provide essentials on the character, their role in the crime, costume ideas and pregame clues.

The Host page controls the release of information, all the game materials that can be printed and coalated.

My party in two weeks will be a dinner party a la French style. We will have drinks ( martini's and Kir Royale or Champagne) and maybe a hot hors d'oevres or two. The Dinner menu will be:

1. iceberg wedge with melted blue cheese and crumbled bacon bits.
2. Creamy French Country Chicken Stew
3. French Breads and biscuits
4. zucchini with parmesan
5. San Andree Triple Creme with Baguette
6. Birthday cake ( not french but home made)
7. Wine - Both Red and White
8. Water - Flat and Sparkling

I have no intentions of over stuffing my guests this time. Every party I throw is always more food than we ever need.

I am planning to have my guests who want to bring something bring the bread, the martini makings, the hot hors d'oevres, the sparkling water and any other beverage that might strike their fancy.

The stew is the barefoot Contessa's and can be made ahead. The zucchini will need to be made that day - no big deal, that's it really. Everything is easily pre-assembled.

It goes with the game too - this should be a lot of fun and I am doing a LOT of prep work to make sure that the game is a success. I am going to take the game materials to a copy center and have color copies made and bound, name tags, I have candles. I am getting flowers that both birthday girls can take home and I am, as of today, assigning the gift purchase to someone else as it is too much for me to all of this.

So I will delegate some tasks. This party will be a wonderful success!!!!

More things learned

I'm less angry today but I know more than I did yesterday.

For openers, I am making a conscious effort not to take out my moods on my kids or my lovee ones.

That's going well actually.

Secondly the anger is fueled by a high frustration level. I have so much frustration due to situations that are beyond my control.

So I am stopping the madness now. I took a 15 minute nap in the middle of the day and it worked out better - I was much more in control and able to be more productive.

I need to exercize, hard, in the middle of the day. I need to get my frustrations out in a productive way. And I need to exercize anyway so that works out really well.... win win!!

I also have started using night time mantras. When the lights go out, I tell myself that I am going to sleep well and awake at (fill in time) and be refreshed, relaxed and revitalized. It's worked really well the last two nights.

I noticed that I ate an entire sleeve of low fat graham crackers today. Not liking that behaviour a whole lot, so I wrote it down and the time and what happened at that time in my food journal. I made a sign for my desk that says "No stress eating allowed".

I love the fact that I am able to look internally to myself now and see where I need to be better. I remember being 20 and thinking "I can't be wrong - the boss must be wrong" and I WAS wrong.

That isn't the case now, but I need a new approach that works better for me. Leader knows how to bait us, individually and as a team. I know what he is using as a hook for me, so I need to stop it and no longer react. It will be hard - really hard - but I need to try something ANYTHING to get past this.

Seriously though, my weight is coming down!!! I am not stress eating much at all because I noticed when I was doing it. I did eat a donut yesterday, but I counted it and accommodated in my dinner for those calories. Really - you can eat anything you want to lose weight as long as you balance it.

Take that all you carb control people!! I can eat pasta and lose weight - I can eat potatos ( though I don't like them much so I choose not to) and lose weight. I can eat BREAD, rolls, pastries and sweets - and still lose weight. I just can't eat an endles supply of them and there needs to be balance and accountability here.

I think I am slightly ahead of the curve on this one because the self awareness has kicked in.

I'm proud of me.

Anger and things learned

I have a really long fuse.

And I am not a yeller or a screamer.

Most people don't know that unless they are really close.

I get overly sarcastic at times....

But honestly - anger? rarely. Irritated, annoyed and frustrated. But rarely angry.

But when my fuse runs out - beware....................


I attended a 9:30AM call that has been moved 4 times since 9AM and twice since Friday.

I hate these calls regardless of date and time because they are never structured, there is no agenda and when interaction is requested it is always met defensively and all opinions are immediately invalidated.

So having this call first thing on a Monday morning was not setting the necessary tone for the week.

I decide that I am getting on the call but not involving myself, I just couldn't expend anymore emotional energy on this weekly call.

But leader certainly knows how to bait each and every one of us. And Leader does it. But doesn't want to hear any of the feedback that is being requested. But FL girl she makes some commentary, stating fact, and leader lies right to us, using the CYA tactic. I feel obligated to back FL girl up as I was present in the same meeting, so I venture my facts along with hers, and quelle surprise - we are both being shot down and lied too. I decide it's time to retreat temporarily and I IM FL girl and advise her of this. By now leader is mad as a hatter.

So NYC guy jumps in and starts talking about other things. Brooklyn Girl asks me for some assistance on SSB Project and CB project - we essentially started talking to another and leaving leader to listen in. I made sure that everyone's workload was manageable and started to wrap up the non productive 30 minutes of the week.....

But no, Lead starts talking about metrics and how this is the first time we are using them. Again, I can't let this go. So I mention that we have been measured on Metrics since before him. We both drop it. Leader is bound and determined to be right, so I stop speaking altogether. My team however is incensed. So they are fighting leader on a variety of topics now.

I have my phone on mute - I'm pretty sure. I look at the phone, mute light flashing merrily and I say in the most venomous tone that scared in me..... "Can't you just shut the &*()@!) up????"

I go on to say "SOMETHING STUPIDLY INAPPROPRIATE?"

" Why can't you just stop making additional work for everyone so you can take credit and look like a hero ?"

Then I realize I am actually screaming at my muted phone. My neighbors could hear me.

And swearing.

And wishing it wasn't 10:15 AM so I Could have a glass of red wine and I don't even drink all that much!

Then I got past screaming and just venom was coming out of every pour. My team started calling one by one to make sure that I was Ok...

I honestly can tell you that FL Girl made an interesting point. Leader beats up on her a lot and I take severe umbrage to that. She told me that she awoke at 6AM and took her phone off the hook and turned the cell off and went back to bed. Then she mentioned that leader makes her really angry and frustrated and then she takes it out on her ailing parent. I thought about that and realized that I do that too.

When I say nothing and even when I choose to say something, it's not what I need to say and it would fall on deaf ears anyway since the fact is, leader is of the belief that staff is not necessary to run the account since leader did it successfully in the smaller company for 1 year. It shows an amazing amount of ego, that statement does. What it shows if anyone is paying attention is that the smaller company had less business. But that statement can't be made without political uprisings.

I realized through this conversation with Fl Girl that I was taking this out on my poor kids. These kids work hard during the week and don't deserve to be yelled at by me. Even if they don't put in the time they should, I have been WAY too hard on them. Over the top too hard.

At 5pM I changed my clothes into an outfit that I feel good in and went out to teach my kids. The two that I have are not usually two that I need to have a problem with even on a bad week but I really paid close attention to my interactions with them. I was so wrapped up in this stupid situation, I almost messed up a NYSSMA festival date for 2 kids because of school break and vacations. Thank goodness the one I had today I was able to work out and negotiate for her and enable her to make her requirements for the school she attends in addition to the festival itself. Phew!!!! I won't make that mistake a second time tomorrow!

I feel bad that my kids have taken a beating of late, so I have made up my mind that they deserve a better experience with me. I love my kids and adore teaching them. They deserve a kinder and more understanding teacher.

I am simply not going to be baited anymore. I am going to address leader like an elderly dog. We love the dog and the dog may piddle in the corner so we train the dog with some strong words and a perhaps rap on the rump.

It was quite a day.

The land of Amazons

I am short.

and no, It's not the handicap that some may think it is, but the fact remains that I am 5' 2".

62" in total.

I love my height and so do my seamstresses. I keep them in business. EVERYTHING is long on me - including the petite length - though I do better there.

So here's what happened.

I attended a party with my 6' friend Jenna. It was a partylite candle party. She's stunning and tall. and Blonde.

I am a sucker for candles and so is Jenna. Ideal.

We walk into this home where the hostess is also a 6 foot blonde. I don't pay it a lot of mind at the time.

Until

Another 6' blond walks in.

Still not daunted....

We continue to chatter, drink wine and snack....

ANOTHER 6' blond walks in.

I am starting to wonder about my genetics now...

By the time we were done there were 6 of them - 3 related to one another. I felt like I was on Island of the Amazons - and you know what? One of them had been asked to audition for that film!!!! She declined because she had kids and that would have been taken her on location for several months.

Nice people, fun party, ate too much, spent too much and feel ....

Too short.

Update on yesterday

No one got her the stroller.

I could have predicted that - but no one got her the stroller and no one mentioned it either.

As far as I am concerned it was one more baby shower under my belt. I have at least one more in my family coming in the next year or so.

I think I am going to start having pet showers. Whenever I get a new cat, we are going to have a cat shower in which I can ask people to get me wonderful things such as:

An automatic litter box - you know the one that cleans itself???
Toys for my kitties
Food
Brushes
Medical Insurance gift cards
Frontline Flea and Tick contr ol
Cat litter
Kitty Condo's and/or beds
a cardboard box or two for them to play with
a remote control mouse
a laser pointer
Cat bowls that are personalized with their names
donations to their college accounts ( that's actually going to be towards their major medical and burial)
Some really Chic carriers - soft ones that are good for interior air travel but enables me to put one cat in each one and not kill my arms or back.

Since I am not intending to have children, I think this is more than fair. There is not one thing on this list that counts as an 800.00 gift. In fact, I don't think the entire list comes up to 800.00.

I had a friend who had a first birthday party for her three kittens. Seriously. She invited all people who have cats, we came and brought them gifts and then sat around and drank martinis and ate snacks. It was a blast. Stupid, but a blast. Any excuse to have a party.

I'm no better though, I make my cats open their Christmas gifts by lacing the paper with catnip.

Baby Showers

Please, will SOMEONE explain to me the necessity of owning a Bugaboo Stroller at the tune $759.00?????

Seriously.

Tomorrow is my sister's baby shower.

I begrudge her nothing.

I looked at her baby registry and picked some nice items off her list that don't break the bank. Her registry is full of important and useful things. All of which are in the reasonable price range.

Except this damn stroller.

Now, I really need to know. Is this thing made of Gold????? Does it cook and clean as you walk the baby? Will it CHANGE the baby when that is needed? Does it provide rest for the poor weary mom?

For the life of me, I cannot understand that price tag. It's a STROLLER.

What on earth were they thinking and I posed the question to my new friend / neighbor - what the hell is so damn special about this ( citing all the above sarcastically). She sighed, and said, that they are all the rage in Manhattan and you can see them everywhere.

I have never seen A stroller let alone and 800 dollar stroller anywhere in Manhattan ( largely because I never go in to site see so unless the baby is doing magic tricks in said stroller I wouldn't notice. I go in, get my work done, have a post work drink with my colleagues and head home. I hate Manhattan to be honest. As much as I hate it - I love it too.

So while I do believe that what she is saying is true, I can't recall having seen one.

So I took my question to my sister-in-law. She too, sighed, and said "oh yes - that's the Rolls Royce of strollers.... "

The Rolls Royce of strollers?

That's a first. I'm having a lot of those "firsts" lately.

I wish her luck but as of now, its still on her registry.

Mental Health and Marshmallows

The modification of my eating system has been working really well so far. I did OK at the restaurant last night too - I went over my daily allotment, but not by a significant amount so I borrowed from the "bank" that I am given each week.

I am still losing weight and I now starting to feel good too.....

So I took half of a mental health day. At noon I shut down my email. and I turned on Pretty Woman. Wolfi and I sat there happily with my coffee. He was purring and we were content.

At 2:30 I changed my clothes and went out to teach a piano lesson. From there, I went to teach a voice lesson. Then, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - I went to get my nails done.

What a blessed relaxing hour. I got hand and arm massages, UV light to harden the gel on my nails is light therapy for my hand ( it helps clear up the eczema and hold it off).

It reached 58 degrees today. Gorgeous. Truly Gorgeous. The pollen started and I have requisite headache and I noticed that my skin is a little hive-y from the eczema (allergic dermatitis actually but we treat it the same as the eczema). I took a long relaxing bath when I got home. Put the treatments on my skin ( they are so lovely now....and work much better). I did the spray oil and a cream on the face.

I had a delicious dinner consisting of one and half cups of Barilla PLus Rotini, Sauce and chicken sausage left over from the batch I grilled on Tuesday. It was heavenly.

But the highlight of my night was the Swiss Miss Marshmallow lovers fat free hot chocolate.

I love the Marshmallows more than chocolalte itself. Now this mini wonder always brings a dreamy smile to my face when I take that first sip. I have made Marshmallow fluff from scratch and used it as icing for cupcakes and cakes. It's heavenly in any form. I love it on ice cream literally anything. I have eaten marshmallows and the fluff plain.

It literally has no fat. It's entirely sugar. Quite literally. Corn Syrup, egg whites and sugar.

I love all things made with marshmallow - candy corn is a personal favorite at Halloween ( little known fact but they are made primaril from marshmallow!)

So my special end of night treat is hot mug full of hot chocolate with the tiniest marshmallows ever created. I have been known to add my own when they melt down too much.

So my day ended on a lovely note and I have made this my new nightly ritual. Hot Chocolate wiht mini marshmallows. ( For those of you on WW - it's only 1 point - SWEET).

Yummmmmmm

one of the many reasons work is hard right now

My poor team has it really rough. We are going through a really bad time with leadership and we are starting to turn on each other.

Upstate Guy put a moratorium on new work last Wed. He had perfectly good justification with four projects on his plate and RFP that he was asked by Capt More-on to review. Of course when asked why he was addressing the RFP by Capt More - on, he was obligated to say, because you told me too. So you see what we are dealing with here.

So I diligently changed the rotation for those kinds of orders and put UPstate guy at the end and put FL Girl and NYC guy in the first two slots, NC Guy, then Myself, then Upstate guy.

That worked wonderfully from Wednesday until today.

NYC Guy send me an IM that says, "maxed out - no more orders".

No explanation, no justification. Just that.

I will work with anyone in a situation. But this just PISSED ME OFF. I am not good when I am being dictated too like that.

So I told him that he is leaving me in the lurch and what has he got that is so blank blank important that he can make that statement and not justify it.

So I drafted an email.

Then I went back and reviewed Update Guy, FL Girl and NYC guys Workload. I noticed that NYC Guy had twice as much as FL girl in this area.

So I pinged her on IM and explained this unique position. She, always coming to my rescue, said to "bring it on".

Now I know that can't be indefinite so I have to put some reasonable controls in place. I am NOT taking this above me for any reason whatsoever. Lordy - I would stll be having THAT conversation from this morning.

So I retrieve my drafted email and come up with this one:

"Look, we are in a bind. I know that our volumes are slightly above average but they are manageable. We all know why that is too. We need to tell the customer’s when their due dates are out of whack more often and I will be rejecting orders as needed moving forward for poor due dates without expedites.

That’s the long term solution.

For the short term:

Starting today – there will be no holds on orders unless you are on an approved project. At this point, because of “holds” due to perceived volume I am down to ONE person working voice. With the volumes that come in, this isn’t acceptable.

At this point, Upstate Guy has projects that need to complete. He and I have been in constant contact regarding this and his workload has been justified as a project and his time table to resume day to day orders is Friday of this week.

NYC Guy does have the next highest volume and to give him a chance to clear that up, he won’t be assigned orders until Friday.

ALL orders will start coming to the mailbox – NYC GUY, make arrangements with Business unit P by end of next week to start routing their work through the mailbox, I will make sure you are the primary so you will still work that stuff and it will just be for managing purposes. I simply cannot judge what your workloads are if the orders aren’t coming through here.

Anyone else who is receiving orders from an alternate source, please make the same arrangements.

Please confirm when completed.

If you are taking an order that has not come through the mailbox YET from the Voice or data teams…. Please send a note to the mailbox and advise me so I can make sure that it gets routed properly to you.

Clear your decks folks. Friday the rotation starts with the following orders:

In this order:

Upstate Guy, NYC guy, FL Girl, NC Guy, Contessa for toll free voice in that order
NYC Guy, FL Girl, Borough Girl will be trained to offload some of this, NC Guy and Contessa for Dedicated Voice
Upstate Guy, Borough Girl, Contessa, NC Guy, FL Girl, NYC Guy for discos
Contessa, FL Girl, Borough Girl, NC Guy, NYC Guy for data.

I do NOT want this back in Capt Moron's court or he will be assigning orders and believe me WE DO NOT WANT THAT.

FL Girl will cover through Friday so Upstate Guy and NYC Guy can catch up

Please guys, help me out here.

Thanks, The Contessa"

and that's how we tentatively solved the great workload problem of First Quarter 2007.

Spring the first day.

I love two seasons - Spring and Fall.

I look forward to them every single year.

I love Spring because this is the beginning of warmer weather, flowers, sunshine, birds chirping and all kinds of things like that.

I have some Spring rituals in my home that I like to do each year. One is to change out my yankee candles. I switch off from scents like evening fireside, pumpkin pie, mulled cider and gingerbread to scents like Ocean water, Clean cotton and two new ones I added this year, Midnight Cove and Sun and Sand.

Another ritual I have is to change the linens in my home. I change from dark warm velvets on my windows and couch to actual linen slip covers on couch and linen and sheers on the windows. I press them all out, hang them, launder the winter ones and put them away for next year.

I also change from a table cloth and linen napkins to placemats in the Dining room. I change the glasses that are out to my spring glasses. These are my favs. They are handpainted and came with a pitcher. What to put in that? I'm thinking Sangria this weekend. Yum. Maybe I can get Mariana to send me her recipe from her Argentinina family....

In my bedroom I take the flannel duvet off the bed, launder and put away and pull out my spring and summer bedding. This is my favorite too. It's luxorious and lovely. I sleep like dream in it.

I change my personal Fragrances also. THe Coco by Chanel and Patchouli go away and the Calvin Klein, Bobbi Brown and Burberry scents go on my tray on my dresser.

I launder the mosquito netting and sheer white roman shade on the windows. I dust the top of the wooden valances and put some nice trinkets up there that reflect spring for me.

I wash the windows crystal clear, I polish my silver and start opening the windows more.

I have a new super being hired here so I have to wait on having my mirror hung in the foyer.

I have new pictures to hang in the house from some performances at Carnegie Hall. So I have some things to re-arrange.

I am so excited that Spring is here. This is so wondereul and I am scheduling some "house" time for me already so I cann accomplish these things so I can enjoy them during this season.

SPring is time of re-birth really. I speak of this, not only from a religious standpoint, but also from a nature standpoint. I order flowers to be delivered for the house each time they deliver groceries. Tulips, daisies and Daffodils. I always mentally and emotionally feel my best during spring.

The only downside is all this new growth drives my allergies beserk. A small price to pay for the beauty.

Spring has Sprung! A happy spring to you all!

A random Tuesday

I have a WW leader who always said "You don't gain weight from Thanksgiving or Christmas. You gain weight because of a random Tuesday... Wednesday.... Thursday etc."

I fully agree with that. In fact I eat healthier on those days than any other time of the year.

I tried to figure out why that was.

Because people are watching me eat.

I went to a meeting last night and I noticed right away that there were veggies and dip and fruit and dip. I don't get many veggies and these looked good so ate the veggies. I had almost a whole serving in. They were good.

When people watch me eat, I notice my behaviour is stellar. Interestingly enough.

So I started eating in my home as if people were watching.

So much better.

In a week and a half 4-5 lbs have come off.

Meanwhile, I have been working hard at just taking care of me. I have been luxoriating in dead sea salt baths every single night. I am sleeping better. I am up to one glass of wine per week. I am drinking tons of water. The one thing that I can't control is my job.

This started out to be a post about my job. I had one all drafted up. it's still drafted but I decided that Title Troubles has it right. Who wants to spend their time reliving and writing about the assholes at work and more importantly who the hell wants to read about that?

So I decided that since this job is just a job right now... I would avoid it. I love my career choices but I am not loving my circumstances right now. I talked to Jax about this evening and it sucks but I'm not going to focus on it during the times I don't need to be there.

It's a random Tuesday in March. The weather is starting to warm up. I have new music to learn ( A little known musical fact about me - I hate Lieder - all of it. ) and more motivation.

Honestly. that performance on Sunday accomplished a goal that I have had. It's not a published on prioir to now. My goal was to blow away the end of the performance so well that the Diva left in a huff. And a huff she did.

I'm not a vindictive person,. but she has put me through a lot in the past 4 years.

The best revenge is being successful ( and living well). So I guess I got both.

Well... this is a first

So, I had a performance today.

One of the groups I perform with regularly does a fund raiser ( for themselves no less) one time per year. This year we did it in our church.

The fundraiser features 2 -4 numbers by the chorale that are light and fun and then solo's, duet's, trios etc..... it's great fun and is usually excellent.

We had a really good house and this year we did a severely reduced rate to bring in two adult group homes. It was such a joy to see how much they were enjoying themselves. All adults.

One young man sat at a table on stage right. He was very sweet, smiled at everyone and said hello. He conducted when the director did and was truly enjoying himself.

Until the solo acts started.

Now to be fair, I didn't notice it with anyone else because I was not scanning the crowd for reactions to the different acts. I watched and laughed and cried with all different types of music and every single person did a phenomenal job. We heard songs from Yentl, Die Fledermaus, Three Penny Opera ( NOT Mack the Knife), some wonderful little known Cole Porter tunes ( THe little Oyster if you can find it has lyrics that will make your sides hurt from laughing and Cherry Pies Aughta be you is another absolute sided splitter), Romeo and Juliet, Rigoletto, Josh Grobin, My Fair Lady - literally everything all over board.

My Tune was Je Veux Vivre from Romeo and Juliette. One I wanted to do on my recital program and it was ready then, but we didn't and I don't remember why. Be that as it may, it's a really beautiful Waltz tune and has some good opps for the singer to show off their voices.

So I am really doing a good job ( I suck at memorizing and I was really stressed about that) so far and I feel I am getting good feed back form the audience as I continue. I hit the last note, A sustained High C. I happen to look stage right and happy young man from group home yells out TOO LOUD and stands up and covers his ears.

I nearly burst out laughing. It had such comic overtones that I had to stop looking that way till that note, and the song , was over. I would have fallen over laughing - I'm telling you,

So, at the end of the concert, people were telling me what a wonderful I and the group did, but do you know more people came over to tell me about the young guy yelling? I couldn't stop laughing. Evidently according to everyone else he had been doing it to everyone all through the concert except for the men. This was nice to hear because that would have sucked if he had saved that up for me.

Cute musician man who we haven't heard from in awhile was there. He was the one who shared with me that young man was doing that to everyone. Of course musician man appeared to be unable to determine that I was singing in French. I was concerned briefly that my words weren't reaching the back of the room when I heard that but no, that wasn't it, He was sleeping! His brother woke him halfway through my number when they realized it was me.... Very funny. He got a promotion by the way.... :-) I don't anticipate anything major happening here to be honest, which is sad for him really. ( That is how I am looking at it... so just go with that for now. )

So I have to say.....

This, was a first!

Being Neighborly

I have lived in my current residence coming up on 3 years in April.

The amazing conglomerate of people that reside here has found me to be nice and charming, but I don't really connect with anyone. By the large majority people here tend to be older in a very different place in their lives, or they just aren't social.

I live in a specific area where my immediate neighbors are approachable and friendly and we keep up to date on each other in the parking lot, the hallways, elevators, mailroom etc. But we don't socialize.

Now I have borrowed Ice from the couple across the hall, I have watched the kids of the couple next door one or two times and assisted the lady down the hall with her cats when they are ill. My neighbor next door is wonderful as well.

So two years ago, a woman moved in across the way. We've been friendly and somewhat social when we see each other until this year. I would say the last 4-5 months.

We know a lot of the same people. She grew up in this town and so did I ( to a point). We are the same age, but did not attend the same schools. Consequently, unless I was a regular at the public library ( which I am not - though I am an avid reader - I buy my books), our paths would not have crossed if we hadn't moved into this building.

We had exchanged phone numbers around Thanksgiving in the event of an emergency and found ourselves talking on the phone more and more frequently. We both attended a wake together as the family were friends of mine and she grew up next door ( and no we still didn't meet). She is active in the community and so am I, though ironically not as much in my own community as others....

We have a ton in common. We are the same age 3 months apart - ( I won't tell ou which one is older). We have opinions in common that are not in the mainstream either which is funny. And we tend to blurt those things out when we least expect it. It's always a trip.

We have the condo's best interests at heart and we do a lot of talking and sharing of ideas on h ow to keep the building nice and how to improve it cost - efficiently. We talk about heating, extermination, snow removal, additions of a fence, better parking, new superintendents, the new lobby ( stunning by the way - I'll try to take pictures and upload). We then select the most reasonable top three and bring those to our semi annual owners meetings.

By now you must know that I am not shy. Neither is she. librarianchic is a blast to hang out with and I really was truthfully surprised. This year I have made 3 new good friends. Out of the blew...... My Voice Twin, The "good" girl and Librarianchic.

I was the child that had the report cards come back to my mom saying "Good social skills.... sometimes too good. makes Friends easily. talks too much in class" But in more recent years I have been paring down my circle rather than enhancing it. No good reasons why, maybe dynamics change, lives go in different directions, or the universe just decided this particular relationship has served its purpose and time to move on.

So it delights me to no end to have these three women in my life in their capacitys. I have amazing fun with all of them. Laughter is so important to me. If we aren't having fun - what's the point?