"Will you be weighing in today?"
These are the famous words of the wonderful women who work at Weight watchers.
They are all fantastic people and in the event you aren't aware - one cannot be employed at Weight watchers as a leader or reception or anywhere that interfaces with the public unless you have been a weight watcher and are at goal weight.
I love the idea that the women who weigh me have been on my side of the scale. That's one of the most important reasons that I stay with this group. That and the program is the the healthiest one out there and has the most long term successes. Somehow the scales of justice seem in my favor knowing that these people have walked in my shoes.
So I have no particular favorite, though I used to. I have discovered that all scales are actually created equal and there is no validity to "waiting for the one that usually shows the loss"
I did that for a lot of years.
If you want to show a loss, you need to follow the program and attend meetings.
Not that I am trying to be a commercial here - I could so easily break into "be an After, stay an after".... and all the hoopla that goes along with that.
But I am my own walking advertisement. I lost at the scale this week 4.4 lbs.
To be fair, I didn't weigh in last week as I had way too many things going on what with work and a 70's party that night.
I can't really say that this is working because all of a sudden "I got it". I didn't get "it" at all. When you go from no romance in your life to some, even if it's not in the way you want it, the motivation level goes up. And you feel better about yourself and feel more attractive.
Especially when they are watching you from behind as you saunter out of the bar the night before you weigh in. and comment positively on what was seen... I admit it - I LOVED that.
No matter how good or bad the reason for the motiviation is, I am channeling the energy that it generates into myself and all the improvements it can make on me.
Regardless of the reason - I lost 4.4 lbs. And I am looking and feeling FANTASTIC.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Thursday, May 03, 2007
ON exercize solving problems
I love the movie "The First Wives Club " What better cast than Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn and Bette Middler????
With a Cameo by Stockard Channing? An Sarah Jessica Parker - to name a few???
It was destined for greatness.
In this film, The three main characters + Stockard Channing are college chums that have been divorced by their first husband's having been the driving force help them reach their success and have joined forces to make them pay.
In the film, Goldie Hawn the alcoholic, self absorbed Movie star gets on her treadmill while talking over how to get Bette Middler's husband's books for his business.
Bette looks at her and says "doesn't it drive you crazy? You climb and climb and get nowhere, you run and run and your always in the same place"
Goldie responds "No, I always feel great after this. I work off the booze and I get my best ideas while I am working out"
Bette: " Sure you do - I KNOW where Mortie's books are - they are in his home office - but how to get up there?"
Goldie: "Duardo"
Bette: "What?"
Goldie: "Duardo. He's an INterior decorator isn't He??? You work for him don't you?"
Bette: "Oh my God - She DOES get good ideas when she works out!"
********--********--********--********--********--********--********--********--
The reason for this dialogue is simple.
I feel better after a workout. A serious one in which I work to complete physical exhaustion. I do this in some format every single day. I work my muscles to muscle fatigue.
And when I am done, I think more clearly. I see things that were stressing me more objectively and I am a much nicer person to be around.
I am in a bit of a waiting period. I don't DO waiting very well. (Bernie, Maple and AM - STOP LAUGHING!!!! ) I don't have that kind of patience though God knows, I am really making an effort here.
So I fill my time with projects, exercize, teaching my kidlettes, practicing, reading, talking to friends, playing with my cats.
I find that the exercize is what really does it for me. With my emotions so close to the surface right now, and not having the outlet I really need for them, I am immersing myself in my total body makeover.
I must tell you that I feel phenomenal physically. I haven't felt this good in a long time. The allergies are better even with High pollen count.
You all know how much I hate to exercize.... I really do. But I will tell you, as a means for emotional release - this is not a bad way to go. and the nice byproducts are you sleep well AND you look good!
And I am down ANOTHER pound!
Yay ME!
With a Cameo by Stockard Channing? An Sarah Jessica Parker - to name a few???
It was destined for greatness.
In this film, The three main characters + Stockard Channing are college chums that have been divorced by their first husband's having been the driving force help them reach their success and have joined forces to make them pay.
In the film, Goldie Hawn the alcoholic, self absorbed Movie star gets on her treadmill while talking over how to get Bette Middler's husband's books for his business.
Bette looks at her and says "doesn't it drive you crazy? You climb and climb and get nowhere, you run and run and your always in the same place"
Goldie responds "No, I always feel great after this. I work off the booze and I get my best ideas while I am working out"
Bette: " Sure you do - I KNOW where Mortie's books are - they are in his home office - but how to get up there?"
Goldie: "Duardo"
Bette: "What?"
Goldie: "Duardo. He's an INterior decorator isn't He??? You work for him don't you?"
Bette: "Oh my God - She DOES get good ideas when she works out!"
********--********--********--********--********--********--********--********--
The reason for this dialogue is simple.
I feel better after a workout. A serious one in which I work to complete physical exhaustion. I do this in some format every single day. I work my muscles to muscle fatigue.
And when I am done, I think more clearly. I see things that were stressing me more objectively and I am a much nicer person to be around.
I am in a bit of a waiting period. I don't DO waiting very well. (Bernie, Maple and AM - STOP LAUGHING!!!! ) I don't have that kind of patience though God knows, I am really making an effort here.
So I fill my time with projects, exercize, teaching my kidlettes, practicing, reading, talking to friends, playing with my cats.
I find that the exercize is what really does it for me. With my emotions so close to the surface right now, and not having the outlet I really need for them, I am immersing myself in my total body makeover.
I must tell you that I feel phenomenal physically. I haven't felt this good in a long time. The allergies are better even with High pollen count.
You all know how much I hate to exercize.... I really do. But I will tell you, as a means for emotional release - this is not a bad way to go. and the nice byproducts are you sleep well AND you look good!
And I am down ANOTHER pound!
Yay ME!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
The Plan: Month 4
As I close out Month 4, I want to give a couple of people some special thanks:
Lisa, Post-Doc, Titles, Berni e , Maplemama, and Am. You guys were really supportive and great when I was hitting the wall on my medical tests.
Now that we are passed that...
Lisa, Post-Doc, Titles, Berni e , Maplemama, and Am. You guys were really supportive and great when I was hitting the wall on my medical tests.
Now that we are passed that...
Scenario 1 - Health
- Exercise: I am kicking some serious ass here. I am doing Pilates 3 times a week and getting much better at it. I can do most of the exercizes better now than when I started 2 weeks ago and have added part of a really hard one. I have added 10 minutes of serious ab work every day and push-ups ( modified ) until I can't do them anymore ( somewhere around 25)..... I also walk 2 miles on the off days.
- Food - Clothing fits better - I am comfortable in my eating system. Now I am trying to be healthier about it. I am adding back more fruits and veggies. Tons of water. I am really doing well here and am seeing the results at the scale.
- Journal - I am journaling every single day. Every bite of food, every bit of activity. I have added a space for my daily weight taken in the morning. My daily resting heart rate. Once my B lood presure monitor gets here I will add that too.
- Overall Health Management - I had some challenges with a positive pap on my last OB/GYN visit. I was fortunate that the second test a few days later revealed a false positive but to play it safe I am getting quarterly paps for the next 12 months. Additionally after the second pap, they took by blood pressure again which was extremely high. The week before it was extremely normal. It has me a little bit worried that it's more than just stress but I will manage it and watch it just in case though I suspect it is all stress related. I have a LOT of that right now.
Scenario 2 - Job/Career
- Project is going OK. It could be going better to be honest. but it could be going worse. I am working reallly hard to make things happen on this and slowly but surely they are making their way home. I am not bothering with leader and that crap. I just don't care. I don't have time to care. In the grand scheme it's not as important.
Scenario 3 - My home
- House is Clean. House is somewhat organized. I'm looking at organizing my hall closet this weekend.
Scenario 4 - finances
- I had a tax refund YAY.
- I had to pay something back to the IRS that came out of my refund. That's OK too.
- I have some DMV things to deal with still.
- Otherwise all is OK.
Scenario 5 - Education
- 2 of my kids came back with 27's out of 28 on their solo's. First time they went and they went on level 3 out of 6. I couldn't be prouder of them.
- I am scheduled to take the adjudication courses next year ( The sign up was over by the time I found about it...)
- Still studying voice and doing well. I'm on hiatus performance -wise for awhile.
Scenario 6 - Family & Friends
- Things are OK here.
- I hosted a Murder Mystery in my house - went really well.
- I attended a 70's party at a friends house - also went well - mostly.
- I am spending more time with a friend lately. Someone important to me.
Scenario 7 - Self esteem
- I had some chinese food at PF Changs the other day. One of best friend's, jenna, made me eat when I was too depressed to even think about food. I will have to say "memo to self - that was some good stuff!"
- My self Esteem took some hits this month. Not in the way that you think though. Some were really positive and amazing. Some were less so. I live my life better when I am in the middle. The peaks and valleys make me insane.
- Life lessons are taking hold, I am already caught up and behind again. It's not that I am not doing the work, I am just not writing it down. I am reading a new book that always boosts my self esteem and confidence. It's called A bombshells guide to life.
- I am spending more time telling myself that I am beautiful. I am told that by others, but I can't believe them until I believe it. So I continue to dress and do my hair and put on my lipstick, but I am attractive even if I am just lounging in my home. I just have to remember that.
- I have had someone in my life tell me that I am beautiful of late. It's meant a lot.
- I am doing my life Makeovers. This is a great help for putting my life in order.
Scenario - Faith
- I have been meditating lately. It's really restful and peaceful. It makes me realize I am but a small dot in the world but it also makes me realize how important I am.
- I have been praying a lot too.
- My prayers have 3 forms. One in which I as forgiveness for things that I have done or didn't do that should have been either thought through better, executed better or not at all. Some things are stupid.... others made sense at the time - you get my drift. The other form is parying for those that need prayers - I have a long list and if you need to be added or someone who does, let me know. I also add the real serious ones to the prayer list in my church. Lastly I pray for me. For the things that I want and need in my life. I have only one item in there right now.
Scenario - Inner Goddess
- Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance
- I recieved my green contacts in the mail. Can't wait to try them!
- I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.
- I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.
- I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.
- I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.
- I have a pedicure planned for May.
I think I have made some major progress this month and I owe it to a lot of unsettlement in my life. It lit a fire under me.
whatever it takes- right?
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
The gift of love - a Daily Meditation
I have a book for daily meditations for people who worry too much. It was written by Anne Wilson Schaef.
I didn't buy it intentionally.
I used to belong to a book club and totally forgot to send the card in that I didn't want that book. So it came and it sat on my coffee table for years. Since 1996 in fact. I picked it up - 7 years ago to be honest - and read the days randomly as needed. The book works like this - you look up todays date (without the year), you read the passage and meditate on it.
We are in the middle of a huge thunder and lightening storm right now, one of my favorite things in the world. It started right around the time that I normally pray and meditate. So I open the book to May 1. And this is what came up to greet me.
The Gift of Love
"When have I not been dreading dangers more grievous than the reality? Love is a thing replete with anxious fears. "
It's sad, isn't it, that one of the greatest gifts we have as human beings (not that this gift is exclusive to humans!), the gift of loving and being loved, is so replete with anxieties. It is difficult to remember that love is always a gift. We cannot make our children love us no matter how we try. We cannot make anyone love us no matter how we try. We canoot make our friends love us, nor the man or woman we think we want as a spouse.
The Loving itself is not "replete with anxious fears." It is the belief that we can control love that results in anxiety. When we believe that we can control love, we always have to be on red alert, lest in a moment of inattention someone snatches it or it goes away. When it is our responsibility to keep it there, we can never rest.
I didn't buy it intentionally.
I used to belong to a book club and totally forgot to send the card in that I didn't want that book. So it came and it sat on my coffee table for years. Since 1996 in fact. I picked it up - 7 years ago to be honest - and read the days randomly as needed. The book works like this - you look up todays date (without the year), you read the passage and meditate on it.
We are in the middle of a huge thunder and lightening storm right now, one of my favorite things in the world. It started right around the time that I normally pray and meditate. So I open the book to May 1. And this is what came up to greet me.
The Gift of Love
"When have I not been dreading dangers more grievous than the reality? Love is a thing replete with anxious fears. "
Penelope
It's sad, isn't it, that one of the greatest gifts we have as human beings (not that this gift is exclusive to humans!), the gift of loving and being loved, is so replete with anxieties. It is difficult to remember that love is always a gift. We cannot make our children love us no matter how we try. We cannot make anyone love us no matter how we try. We canoot make our friends love us, nor the man or woman we think we want as a spouse.
The Loving itself is not "replete with anxious fears." It is the belief that we can control love that results in anxiety. When we believe that we can control love, we always have to be on red alert, lest in a moment of inattention someone snatches it or it goes away. When it is our responsibility to keep it there, we can never rest.
When I remember that love is a gift, I can relax and enjoy it.
I meditated on this and how it applies to my life. Then I prayed for the things that I need, I spent a lot of time praying for one thing that I want. Then I began my prayers for others. In that time, it occured to me that this gift of love is truly rare and I personally, until recently, was not open to it as I should have been.
I mean all kinds of love.
I am truly a blessed person in that I have a wonderful family and an amazing network of friends. I love all of them so much. And I really don't expect that they all love me. But they do.
I have never believed that I needed a man to complete me. ( SO Jerry Maguire). I wanted one, but didn't need one. A Partner is nice, but not required.
But is that really so? I discovered that I can live without someone, but I really don't want to. I also discovered that burying my feelings and hoping they will go away, can work for a really long time, but it is a short path to shutting down.
That's where I have been for quite awhile. Shut down. Walls I didn't want to build were built without my knowledge. One day I woke up and they were there. who built them? where did they come from ?
I know now where they came from. Me. I know why and with whom and on what date that construction job started. So, I had a long talk with God tonight, we talked about a lot of things - well I talked, he listened. I hope. Amongst the thunder and lightning strikes, I asked for forgiveness on a couple of things that I could have done differently and certainly better. Then I talked about love and what I am looking for and wanting. I begged for strength to be patient, strength to have the courage of my convictions when and if it is needed. I begged for divine intervention in the area of love in my life.
And in my love life.
In effect, I am putting all my eggs in that divine basket. That basket will go up on a shelf. It will be meditated and prayed on once per day. Eventually those prayers will be answered. Prayers always are - maybe not the solution you wanted, but one will be provided. I heard that many years ago from a friend in college - he was right then and he's right now.
Love is a gift. In any form.
Enjoy those you love.
I meditated on this and how it applies to my life. Then I prayed for the things that I need, I spent a lot of time praying for one thing that I want. Then I began my prayers for others. In that time, it occured to me that this gift of love is truly rare and I personally, until recently, was not open to it as I should have been.
I mean all kinds of love.
I am truly a blessed person in that I have a wonderful family and an amazing network of friends. I love all of them so much. And I really don't expect that they all love me. But they do.
I have never believed that I needed a man to complete me. ( SO Jerry Maguire). I wanted one, but didn't need one. A Partner is nice, but not required.
But is that really so? I discovered that I can live without someone, but I really don't want to. I also discovered that burying my feelings and hoping they will go away, can work for a really long time, but it is a short path to shutting down.
That's where I have been for quite awhile. Shut down. Walls I didn't want to build were built without my knowledge. One day I woke up and they were there. who built them? where did they come from ?
I know now where they came from. Me. I know why and with whom and on what date that construction job started. So, I had a long talk with God tonight, we talked about a lot of things - well I talked, he listened. I hope. Amongst the thunder and lightning strikes, I asked for forgiveness on a couple of things that I could have done differently and certainly better. Then I talked about love and what I am looking for and wanting. I begged for strength to be patient, strength to have the courage of my convictions when and if it is needed. I begged for divine intervention in the area of love in my life.
And in my love life.
In effect, I am putting all my eggs in that divine basket. That basket will go up on a shelf. It will be meditated and prayed on once per day. Eventually those prayers will be answered. Prayers always are - maybe not the solution you wanted, but one will be provided. I heard that many years ago from a friend in college - he was right then and he's right now.
Love is a gift. In any form.
Enjoy those you love.
On relief
The call just came.
The test is negative.
I'm reasonably sure that my b/p is officially normal NOW.
I do have to go quarterly for 12 months to be sure that the negative stays negative. I have inquired about Gardisil and after 12 months of negative readings, I can have that vaccine should I decide to. I will keep a watch on the stats between now and then and make a more informed decision when we get there. I am leaning towards it since there is a history in our family.
Meanwhile just to maintain the B /P, I bought a wrist monitor. It should arrive in a day or two and then I will continue to monitor that. I am going to take my meds anyway because, though the doctor thinks it could cause heart attack, my primary care suggested that my body may be overstressed by going off them for the first time in 15 years. I will also add that I have several friends who expressed that same opinion. I am going to follow that one as it made sense to me as well.
I am going back to my regularly scheduled activities. I will be exercizing as normal, eating the way that I was and taking care of myself. I mean in the worst case, if the b/p is not circumstantial ( and I find that hard to believe), those things can only bring it down not up. I slept last night. It wasn't an award winning sleep, but I did manage to only wake up once at 3AM. I notice that lately I am waking up between 3-4 AM and I think that is largely due to my disrupted sleep schedule.
We are back on the bandwagon.
I can't tell you how I appreciate all of your support and prayers and caring. It's really made this a little bit easier for me, though to see me yesterday you wouldn't know it! I think my body is still 20 years old and this to me was my body saying "uh.... not so much kid!"
You see, I"m the last person on earth to be an alarmist. Not about me, or anyone else. Someone gets sick or a diagnosis comes back, I'm the one who stands back and looks objectively. I say the right words and provide defense and strength. One of my secret ( well not anymore) fears was that one of those kids of things would happen to me and I wouldn't get that kind of support back.
And I was dead on wrong. I got more than I expected and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
So back to basics again. I am eating a bit more than I have been - which is a good thing because I was eating next to nothing for a few days. I have upped that into 2-3 tiny meals of healthy foods.
I'm going to be OK. And that's what counts.
The test is negative.
I'm reasonably sure that my b/p is officially normal NOW.
I do have to go quarterly for 12 months to be sure that the negative stays negative. I have inquired about Gardisil and after 12 months of negative readings, I can have that vaccine should I decide to. I will keep a watch on the stats between now and then and make a more informed decision when we get there. I am leaning towards it since there is a history in our family.
Meanwhile just to maintain the B /P, I bought a wrist monitor. It should arrive in a day or two and then I will continue to monitor that. I am going to take my meds anyway because, though the doctor thinks it could cause heart attack, my primary care suggested that my body may be overstressed by going off them for the first time in 15 years. I will also add that I have several friends who expressed that same opinion. I am going to follow that one as it made sense to me as well.
I am going back to my regularly scheduled activities. I will be exercizing as normal, eating the way that I was and taking care of myself. I mean in the worst case, if the b/p is not circumstantial ( and I find that hard to believe), those things can only bring it down not up. I slept last night. It wasn't an award winning sleep, but I did manage to only wake up once at 3AM. I notice that lately I am waking up between 3-4 AM and I think that is largely due to my disrupted sleep schedule.
We are back on the bandwagon.
I can't tell you how I appreciate all of your support and prayers and caring. It's really made this a little bit easier for me, though to see me yesterday you wouldn't know it! I think my body is still 20 years old and this to me was my body saying "uh.... not so much kid!"
You see, I"m the last person on earth to be an alarmist. Not about me, or anyone else. Someone gets sick or a diagnosis comes back, I'm the one who stands back and looks objectively. I say the right words and provide defense and strength. One of my secret ( well not anymore) fears was that one of those kids of things would happen to me and I wouldn't get that kind of support back.
And I was dead on wrong. I got more than I expected and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
So back to basics again. I am eating a bit more than I have been - which is a good thing because I was eating next to nothing for a few days. I have upped that into 2-3 tiny meals of healthy foods.
I'm going to be OK. And that's what counts.
Monday, April 30, 2007
On fear
I had an entirely different post prepared for today when my life changed somewhat dramatically.
At 8Am, my phone rang. It was my Ob/Gyn. I had been there last week for a routine appointment.
My pap came back positive.
Pre-cancerous cells. On my cervix.
Oh and we have an appointment for you at 2:15 PM, please come in so we can do a second test.
I go about my day, have my coffee, get on my conference calls, get verbally abused by the customer, then I go to the doctor.
Before I left I dropped an email about the situation to someone close to me. Someone who needed to know.
Then I got my self into my car, and went to the doctor.
Everything was normal, same routine, same everything. He told me I looked OK but visuals aren't conclusive and I shouldn't worry until the test comes back. That should be Thursday at the latest. If it is, I come back in for the biopsy. then its a quick laser procedure. If it's negative, he wants me to come in quarterly for the next 12 months just to be safe.
Then he sends the nurse in to take my blood pressure.
I suffer from white coat syndrome in the first place. Secondly when I am under stress, it shows in my blood pressure. So when it came back as 160/110 I was hardly surprised. Upset but surprised. The doctor comes out to the nurses station and says "That's kind of high kid"
"My life is a bit of a mess right now. If you recall the last time my life was this stressful, my dad was in surgery that was life or death and died the following week. That week, I was here, and it was 160/110" I whine
"All the same, I want you off the pills for 30 days. We need to get your bp down in the normal range or you could have a heart attack" He Says
"But this is not an accurate reading! I was JUST HERE and it was 120/80!" I start to cry. Now I am actually feeling chest pains - gee thanks for suggesting THAT!
He hands me the scripts and says "I'm trusting you. Don't take them for a month, get your b/p straightened out and fll the scripts."
" Oh and don't worry about the pap. I doubt this one is coming back positive again. Just go home and relax. Have your husband order dinner out. "
My husband??? Unless he thinks my cats can dial phones - that ain't happening.
So now, I have to decide. Do I tell my family? My friends? What? So I decide not to mention it to my parents or siblings until the second pap results are in. No need for them to worry right away. I tell a couple of friends that I am very close to. And I await the phone call back.
I took a nap at 6:30 quite unintentionally. The chest pains caused by stress and suggestion were really worrying me. And as predicted were gone upon waking.
I know meditation is working and so is the prayer and exercize. I FEEL better overall. This can't be happening to me. I'm working so hard ot get healthy. And I know this is common and it happens to people all the time, but this is MY body and MY life.
I know that I will be OK. But How much more do I need to deal with???
At 8Am, my phone rang. It was my Ob/Gyn. I had been there last week for a routine appointment.
My pap came back positive.
Pre-cancerous cells. On my cervix.
Oh and we have an appointment for you at 2:15 PM, please come in so we can do a second test.
I go about my day, have my coffee, get on my conference calls, get verbally abused by the customer, then I go to the doctor.
Before I left I dropped an email about the situation to someone close to me. Someone who needed to know.
Then I got my self into my car, and went to the doctor.
Everything was normal, same routine, same everything. He told me I looked OK but visuals aren't conclusive and I shouldn't worry until the test comes back. That should be Thursday at the latest. If it is, I come back in for the biopsy. then its a quick laser procedure. If it's negative, he wants me to come in quarterly for the next 12 months just to be safe.
Then he sends the nurse in to take my blood pressure.
I suffer from white coat syndrome in the first place. Secondly when I am under stress, it shows in my blood pressure. So when it came back as 160/110 I was hardly surprised. Upset but surprised. The doctor comes out to the nurses station and says "That's kind of high kid"
"My life is a bit of a mess right now. If you recall the last time my life was this stressful, my dad was in surgery that was life or death and died the following week. That week, I was here, and it was 160/110" I whine
"All the same, I want you off the pills for 30 days. We need to get your bp down in the normal range or you could have a heart attack" He Says
"But this is not an accurate reading! I was JUST HERE and it was 120/80!" I start to cry. Now I am actually feeling chest pains - gee thanks for suggesting THAT!
He hands me the scripts and says "I'm trusting you. Don't take them for a month, get your b/p straightened out and fll the scripts."
" Oh and don't worry about the pap. I doubt this one is coming back positive again. Just go home and relax. Have your husband order dinner out. "
My husband??? Unless he thinks my cats can dial phones - that ain't happening.
So now, I have to decide. Do I tell my family? My friends? What? So I decide not to mention it to my parents or siblings until the second pap results are in. No need for them to worry right away. I tell a couple of friends that I am very close to. And I await the phone call back.
I took a nap at 6:30 quite unintentionally. The chest pains caused by stress and suggestion were really worrying me. And as predicted were gone upon waking.
I know meditation is working and so is the prayer and exercize. I FEEL better overall. This can't be happening to me. I'm working so hard ot get healthy. And I know this is common and it happens to people all the time, but this is MY body and MY life.
I know that I will be OK. But How much more do I need to deal with???
Saturday, April 28, 2007
On Old Messages
I went out with my best friend last night to a Scrubz party. These are Spa treatments made with crystal sugar and essential oils.
The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.
I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.
I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.
She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.
We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.
Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.
Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.
I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.
The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.
I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.
The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.
I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.
I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.
She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.
We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.
Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.
Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.
I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.
The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.
I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.
On Old Messages
I went out with my best friend last night to a Scrubz party. These are Spa treatments made with crystal sugar and essential oils.
The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.
I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.
I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.
She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.
We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.
Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.
Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.
I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.
The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.
I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.
The party was here in town and also featured facials and massages at 1 dollar per minute. In Hindsight - I should have had the massage. But lineup was so long I would have gotten started at nine PM and I still had another stop to make before I could go home.
I was extremely tired having only 4 hours of sleep. I hadn't eaten since lunch the day before. I was not at my best. But that's OK. My best friend, a former model now mother of 4, thought I looked good.
I bought two different Scrubz - Limonade and jasmin. THey are are WONDERFUL. My skin hasn't felt this good in a long time.
She and I left that party, it was kind of beat really - lots of 20 something know-it-alls who wouldn't give anyone but their posse the time of day. So I had been invited down to a bar/restaurant in the next town by a mutual friend to hear him play. So we primped a bit - but really what can you do with your face when you are wearing no make-up? not much, and headed down there.
We were fortunate to find 2 stools open when we got there and took up residence immediately - that kind of real estate RARELY shows itself so quickly. It's about a quarter to 9. We order a round of drinks and we aren't sure if he even knows we are there yet. He was right in the middle of a set.
Not 5 minutes later, he, his guitar and his wireless mic make there way to where we are sitting and the three of us sing "Brandy" by looking glass with Jenna and I doing the backup vocals... too funny. He sang to us almost the entire last set. Afterwords the three of us had another round, Jenna bought some fried cheese, I still have no appetite, and the two of them start catching up - they don't see each other as often as I see either of them which is weird now that I think about it.
Now I tell you all of this for a reason. You see, when you have a self esteem problem, like I and many others do, there are certain "old messages" that play in your head. repeatedly on a loop. I have a couple of them that I am working to replace, but haven't been 100% successful, though there is improvement.
I got up at one point to use the ladies room. I looked in the mirror and realized that I should not have worn the black turtleneck without maeup on as I looked like the dead. my hair felt stringy and I just felt fat. Of course next to Jenna - duh. So I did what I could with what I had and walked back to the bar. I sat down and Jenna said, wow your hair looks good and are you sure you aren't wearing makeup??? THe old messages that told me I was unattractive caused me a moments pause, and then I laughed and thanked her for the compliment.
The other old message for me is about love. That in some small way, I got to be the age that I am without a partner in my life seems significant to me in some way. That I don't deserve to be loved in that fashion. I find it hard to believe that someone would ever feel that I am the air they need, that they can't sleep, can't eat - because of the depth of their feelings for me. I once read this line somewhere "I felt almost like the other woman when I walked into our bedroom and I saw my husband with my sweater in his arms, smelling the perfume that I wear" I always like that idea.
I'm starting to dismiss this message too. I am freaking fabulous. Seriously. I'm not going to waste time explaining why to you - that's the entire point of the whole blog really. Any man who chooses not to have me as their life partner is a moron. any man would be lucky to have me choose them. I am an amazing catch. So that's the new message that I play in my head. But it's hard to leave the old worn out message behind. I don't beleive the old message either, but it's comfortable because it is known. But it's not good. So I need to summarily dismiss it.
Friday, April 27, 2007
On Decision Making
As many of you know, I am struggling with a personal situation. I don't want to whine about it and I'm not anymore.
Earlier in the week, I got a call regarding it, a call that I consider to be simply "beige". But that's OK. I was and am OK with that.
I had a face to face on it last night. And all the questions I had have been answered for now to best of both parties abilities. I have to now decide how do I want to proceed.
Not being especially good at making good decisions for me especially when they are about me, I've come to another impasse.
One thing I've noticed and learned about myself is I am in big hurry to make the decision and move on. That doesn't work as well all the time. So I've decided to step back and observe some more and sleep on it a bit. I am finding that if I force the issues and force the decisions - even just for me - I don't end up with things the way I want them to be. I just box myself in.
So, in the spirit of growth, I took a step back after the face to face, which went really well and really not. But it was an honest exchange which is what I really was hoping to have. I am very short on sleep so I am not making any decisions now. I am putting the whole experience in my personal journal for later reference. Then I will just see how things go while I continue to take care of me.
I am partially using my technique for wisdom - the one where you put the problem on a shelf and dust it off on a specific time and notice the solution is sitting there too? I put the problem on the shelf and I guess my shelf has a number of problems sitting on it, because when I went back to look I had a solution to a different problem for work sitting there. Kind of funny I thought.
But I won't even think about this before next weekend. I just won't. I need to time to investigate what's important to me.
I will acknowledge that I did not walk yesterday nor do my pilates today which means I need to do both Saturday and Sunday to make up for the lost time. I am not letting anything slip because of this situation. And this too will pass.
I am getting better at this whole thing I think. I am just living in some level of confusion. But that too will pass. Sooner rather than later.
I'm really kind of proud of myself. I used to be the girl who didn't stick up for herself and caved to everyone elses demands, I didn't do that last night. I was very specific and very clear.
"It'll all work out alright"
Earlier in the week, I got a call regarding it, a call that I consider to be simply "beige". But that's OK. I was and am OK with that.
I had a face to face on it last night. And all the questions I had have been answered for now to best of both parties abilities. I have to now decide how do I want to proceed.
Not being especially good at making good decisions for me especially when they are about me, I've come to another impasse.
One thing I've noticed and learned about myself is I am in big hurry to make the decision and move on. That doesn't work as well all the time. So I've decided to step back and observe some more and sleep on it a bit. I am finding that if I force the issues and force the decisions - even just for me - I don't end up with things the way I want them to be. I just box myself in.
So, in the spirit of growth, I took a step back after the face to face, which went really well and really not. But it was an honest exchange which is what I really was hoping to have. I am very short on sleep so I am not making any decisions now. I am putting the whole experience in my personal journal for later reference. Then I will just see how things go while I continue to take care of me.
I am partially using my technique for wisdom - the one where you put the problem on a shelf and dust it off on a specific time and notice the solution is sitting there too? I put the problem on the shelf and I guess my shelf has a number of problems sitting on it, because when I went back to look I had a solution to a different problem for work sitting there. Kind of funny I thought.
But I won't even think about this before next weekend. I just won't. I need to time to investigate what's important to me.
I will acknowledge that I did not walk yesterday nor do my pilates today which means I need to do both Saturday and Sunday to make up for the lost time. I am not letting anything slip because of this situation. And this too will pass.
I am getting better at this whole thing I think. I am just living in some level of confusion. But that too will pass. Sooner rather than later.
I'm really kind of proud of myself. I used to be the girl who didn't stick up for herself and caved to everyone elses demands, I didn't do that last night. I was very specific and very clear.
"It'll all work out alright"
On WTF?????
I can't make up my mind.
I just do not get it.
But on the other hand I do.
I need to sleep.
Later.
I just do not get it.
But on the other hand I do.
I need to sleep.
Later.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
On doing pilates
I'm on my third day of pilates. It should be easier.
Ha
I will say this, my prone position is finally correct, my spine is angled right, my abs - or powerhouse - aligned properly and it's comfortable.
That is pretty much where it ends. There are 3 exercizes I cannot do it all. I don't recall a time in life, thin or not, when I could do those things. But I continue to persevere. I will get as close as possible.
I did the full hour today. I don't actually ache. At all.
Weight is still going down and I am eating really well. I am feeling good. I am sleeping well.
Everything is going well for me. Well, not EVERYTHING.
I noticed that leader is starting to work my last nerves again. I find that funny - that must mean other things that were taking the focus away from leaders craziness are going better.
I am still doing my meditations and I really am starting to get it. Then I am praying quite a bit.
Things are a lot smoother.... I like it this way though it does tend to give the blog some boring stories!
Ha
I will say this, my prone position is finally correct, my spine is angled right, my abs - or powerhouse - aligned properly and it's comfortable.
That is pretty much where it ends. There are 3 exercizes I cannot do it all. I don't recall a time in life, thin or not, when I could do those things. But I continue to persevere. I will get as close as possible.
I did the full hour today. I don't actually ache. At all.
Weight is still going down and I am eating really well. I am feeling good. I am sleeping well.
Everything is going well for me. Well, not EVERYTHING.
I noticed that leader is starting to work my last nerves again. I find that funny - that must mean other things that were taking the focus away from leaders craziness are going better.
I am still doing my meditations and I really am starting to get it. Then I am praying quite a bit.
Things are a lot smoother.... I like it this way though it does tend to give the blog some boring stories!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
On a lovely nature meditation
This afternoon I got blown off by a student.
They weren't just late - they were REALLY late.
I arrived early to their home at 6:10. I rang the bell and got no answer.
So I figured they were enroute, so I sat myself down on the front steps, turned on my IPOD and watched the sun set.
It wasn't a terribly unique or colorful sunset. There wasn't anything truly spectacular. There was a lovely breeze and it was about 70 degrees out.
As I sat there listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon five, my sunglasses on, my eyes closed... I realized I was smiling. I was at peace and all was right with the world. And finally my mind is at ease.
It was a lovely 30 minutes that I sat there. I just kind of let my mind go blank and thought of nothing but the actual moment I was in. It was wonderful and peaceful. And the first meditation where my mind wasn't wandering in a thousand and one directions.
I walked away from that house, having not taught the lesson, having no actual communications with the family and not in the least bit worried about it. I left them a message and will go back on Thursday.
That call that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks came in this afternoon. When the phone rang, I actually looked at twice, dumbfounded. I wasn't actually expecting it to come so quickly. Once I made my decision to not worry about it, it got easier. So when it came, I was able to be proactive rather than reactive. It went much better than I thought it would. The impasse is still there, but it's breaking down slowly.
If God exists, he exists in moments like these.
They weren't just late - they were REALLY late.
I arrived early to their home at 6:10. I rang the bell and got no answer.
So I figured they were enroute, so I sat myself down on the front steps, turned on my IPOD and watched the sun set.
It wasn't a terribly unique or colorful sunset. There wasn't anything truly spectacular. There was a lovely breeze and it was about 70 degrees out.
As I sat there listening to Sunday Morning by Maroon five, my sunglasses on, my eyes closed... I realized I was smiling. I was at peace and all was right with the world. And finally my mind is at ease.
It was a lovely 30 minutes that I sat there. I just kind of let my mind go blank and thought of nothing but the actual moment I was in. It was wonderful and peaceful. And the first meditation where my mind wasn't wandering in a thousand and one directions.
I walked away from that house, having not taught the lesson, having no actual communications with the family and not in the least bit worried about it. I left them a message and will go back on Thursday.
That call that's been on my mind for a couple of weeks came in this afternoon. When the phone rang, I actually looked at twice, dumbfounded. I wasn't actually expecting it to come so quickly. Once I made my decision to not worry about it, it got easier. So when it came, I was able to be proactive rather than reactive. It went much better than I thought it would. The impasse is still there, but it's breaking down slowly.
If God exists, he exists in moments like these.
Monday, April 23, 2007
On crushes
Remember your first crush? How about one more recent?
I do. He was wonderful. So cute and a wonderful person. He was a year ahead of me at prep.
I realized today in talking with a student who has her first crush, how much this boy taught me when I was in school. To be sure, she is 10 and I was 13, but whatever - times they are a changin'.
We'll call my crush Richard. He was taller than I am ( not a stretch even now), same color hair and wonderful blue eyes. He was slim but not string beany. I met him in band. I played the flute, he played a brass intrument ( his primary source of income today incidentally).
We got to talking one early morning before school started, because I had an early morning lesson and he just arrived there to watch. I wasn't terribly excited at the prospect. And I told him so. He laughed at me, and mentioned that I looked familiar.
Time marched on, and we both found ourselves at those early morning lessons, study halls and lunch periods, down in the band room, or the auditorium. Alone more often than not.
I learned how to slow dance with this boy. He would hum "the way you look tonight" and teach me to dance. Right there on the stage.
We played the silliest of games. We would walk from chair to chair in the auditorium on the arm rests, jumping over the aisles. We had good balance and sometimes not such good balance.
He loved to sit with me and run his fingers through my hair, which was at that time, down to my waist. That 80's big haired thing was completely lost on me. My hair wouldn't then nor now ever support it.
We would play duets. We would file music. We would play the perfect pitch game on the piano - he would play a note with my back turned and I would "guess" what it was. I always won. Only then I didn't know why. Now I do. We had memorized the entire movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore and a Favorite past time on the phone was to throw out a line and see if the other person could name the next one.
After a long time of this loveliness, he decided to ask my best friend Sharon out. And she decided to accept.
I was devastated as only a teenager can truly be.
Then my best friend broke up with him.... days later at the most. He rode his bicycle ( a 12 speed we couldn't believe ANYONE our age would own something like that) to my house in the pouring rain, and cried in my arms that she had broken his heart.
I didn't say anything about my own heart and the pain I felt at what I perceived to be his deception. I was too young to know how. But not so young as to know that I won in the end.
So when my student tells me she has her first crush.... I think about the happy times before he dated Sharon. They flash to my mind immediately. I look at her face and she is glowing with happiness. Her eyes are brighter, her smile wider, she is buoyant. She has the attitude that only comes with a crush or falling in love that she can do anything.
She is very young. She is, as I said, 10. She asks me if she can sing "So in love" by Cole Porter.
I tell her that, honestly, it's not age appropriate. She can't sell it to the audience since she hasn't felt it. That's when she springs the crush on me. Evidently he is in her class and he treats her nicely.
She is beautiful. Blue eyes, blond hair.... But she carries some extra weight on her. I noticed today that she looked thinner and her clothing was different..... Ah ha - the crush! That explains EVERYTHING. Then she tells me she is a little bit tired because she woke up at 6AM today so she could exercize. I asked her what that meant - she told me she did 20 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes on 10 different exercizes with the ab roller and some pilates.
I commended her something awful. She is a smart young lady. so talented and so beautiful. I am really priveldged to teach her.
In talking with her, I realized that my crush on Richard was very important to me. It really gave me ground work on how I behave around men now. What I do today isn't dramatically different. Well.... I don't hop around on armrests anymore.... I'd probably break something!
The followup to this is that though he did date my best friend, he came back to me, and from there, we dated for a long time. My first crush became my first boyfriend. He treated me very well. We were good for each other.
Today he lives far away in another state. He has a family. We keep in touch periodically over the years. when he travels to NY for work, we try to get together for a drink. We're so far apart from those two middle school teens, but it's a nice piece of my history.
What I found most striking today, was how talking with my student brought it back to me in a specific relief. It suggested that there is some groundwork as to why I do some of the things that I do.
I left her smiling - we both were. She was thinking about her crush. And I was thinking about my first one. It was a lovely trip down memory lane for me and an educational one.
I do. He was wonderful. So cute and a wonderful person. He was a year ahead of me at prep.
I realized today in talking with a student who has her first crush, how much this boy taught me when I was in school. To be sure, she is 10 and I was 13, but whatever - times they are a changin'.
We'll call my crush Richard. He was taller than I am ( not a stretch even now), same color hair and wonderful blue eyes. He was slim but not string beany. I met him in band. I played the flute, he played a brass intrument ( his primary source of income today incidentally).
We got to talking one early morning before school started, because I had an early morning lesson and he just arrived there to watch. I wasn't terribly excited at the prospect. And I told him so. He laughed at me, and mentioned that I looked familiar.
Time marched on, and we both found ourselves at those early morning lessons, study halls and lunch periods, down in the band room, or the auditorium. Alone more often than not.
I learned how to slow dance with this boy. He would hum "the way you look tonight" and teach me to dance. Right there on the stage.
We played the silliest of games. We would walk from chair to chair in the auditorium on the arm rests, jumping over the aisles. We had good balance and sometimes not such good balance.
He loved to sit with me and run his fingers through my hair, which was at that time, down to my waist. That 80's big haired thing was completely lost on me. My hair wouldn't then nor now ever support it.
We would play duets. We would file music. We would play the perfect pitch game on the piano - he would play a note with my back turned and I would "guess" what it was. I always won. Only then I didn't know why. Now I do. We had memorized the entire movie "Arthur" with Dudley Moore and a Favorite past time on the phone was to throw out a line and see if the other person could name the next one.
After a long time of this loveliness, he decided to ask my best friend Sharon out. And she decided to accept.
I was devastated as only a teenager can truly be.
Then my best friend broke up with him.... days later at the most. He rode his bicycle ( a 12 speed we couldn't believe ANYONE our age would own something like that) to my house in the pouring rain, and cried in my arms that she had broken his heart.
I didn't say anything about my own heart and the pain I felt at what I perceived to be his deception. I was too young to know how. But not so young as to know that I won in the end.
So when my student tells me she has her first crush.... I think about the happy times before he dated Sharon. They flash to my mind immediately. I look at her face and she is glowing with happiness. Her eyes are brighter, her smile wider, she is buoyant. She has the attitude that only comes with a crush or falling in love that she can do anything.
She is very young. She is, as I said, 10. She asks me if she can sing "So in love" by Cole Porter.
I tell her that, honestly, it's not age appropriate. She can't sell it to the audience since she hasn't felt it. That's when she springs the crush on me. Evidently he is in her class and he treats her nicely.
She is beautiful. Blue eyes, blond hair.... But she carries some extra weight on her. I noticed today that she looked thinner and her clothing was different..... Ah ha - the crush! That explains EVERYTHING. Then she tells me she is a little bit tired because she woke up at 6AM today so she could exercize. I asked her what that meant - she told me she did 20 minutes on the eliptical and 20 minutes on 10 different exercizes with the ab roller and some pilates.
I commended her something awful. She is a smart young lady. so talented and so beautiful. I am really priveldged to teach her.
In talking with her, I realized that my crush on Richard was very important to me. It really gave me ground work on how I behave around men now. What I do today isn't dramatically different. Well.... I don't hop around on armrests anymore.... I'd probably break something!
The followup to this is that though he did date my best friend, he came back to me, and from there, we dated for a long time. My first crush became my first boyfriend. He treated me very well. We were good for each other.
Today he lives far away in another state. He has a family. We keep in touch periodically over the years. when he travels to NY for work, we try to get together for a drink. We're so far apart from those two middle school teens, but it's a nice piece of my history.
What I found most striking today, was how talking with my student brought it back to me in a specific relief. It suggested that there is some groundwork as to why I do some of the things that I do.
I left her smiling - we both were. She was thinking about her crush. And I was thinking about my first one. It was a lovely trip down memory lane for me and an educational one.
Just a quickie note
This is hardly a post but I have had an enormous amount of feedback regarding the publisher for my Dad's arrangement of "He's Gone Away"
It is Alfred Publishing. He's Gone Away arranged by Eric -------. For more information please comment this post with an email address and I will be happy to provide some additional information. It my be temporari;y out of print, but they will make an official copy for you for a fee if you choose to get the piece.
If I do say so myself, it's a wonderful arrangement for four part women and four part men and then in the middle its for SATB.
It is Alfred Publishing. He's Gone Away arranged by Eric -------. For more information please comment this post with an email address and I will be happy to provide some additional information. It my be temporari;y out of print, but they will make an official copy for you for a fee if you choose to get the piece.
If I do say so myself, it's a wonderful arrangement for four part women and four part men and then in the middle its for SATB.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
On tapping my inner Goddess
I forgot about that phrase.
I received a Myspace message from Jax today. She and I have corresponding that way for a week or two.
I told her all the things that I was doing for myself, and she only balked at the eyelash tinting and perming.
Hey - we can't all have perfect lashes on BOTH eyes.
So I filled her in on the rest of my "Contessa re-invention" as I like to call it. She told me that after a particularly daunting personal situation, she started tapping her own inner goddess. I had forgotten what a great phrase that was.
And it is indeed what I am doing.
I lost a 1.5 this past week - I am still floating from that victory. That's a total of 5 for 4 weeks that I have been eating differently.
I am filling ALL of my spare time with activity and work. Not Work-my-career-kind-of-work, but just things that need to be worked on for ME. Like my house, like my music, like my students, that kind of work. I have added 5 days of walking in the morning, I have now included 3 days of pilates in the afternoon.
Anything to keep my mind and body busy. It serves several purposes.
1. It keeps me from dwelling and ruminating on the personal issues in my life.
2. It keeps me fresh for the cat and mouse game I am a somewhat willing participant in
3. And It keeps the Contessa looking and feeling like a Contessa
And Let's face it - isn't that the real issue here?
Today, I took a nap. It was the BEST and most delicious nap I have had in awhile.
When I woke up, I put together a delicious glass of iced water with slice lemons and limes. And I set about looking on the internet for Green non=preseciption contact lenses.
And I found them
They aren't hideously expensive and I am finding my hazel eyes a bit boring. So I went to green.
I paid through Paypal and they will likely ship out tomorrow.
The new and Improved contessa is on her way....
Watch out world.
I received a Myspace message from Jax today. She and I have corresponding that way for a week or two.
I told her all the things that I was doing for myself, and she only balked at the eyelash tinting and perming.
Hey - we can't all have perfect lashes on BOTH eyes.
So I filled her in on the rest of my "Contessa re-invention" as I like to call it. She told me that after a particularly daunting personal situation, she started tapping her own inner goddess. I had forgotten what a great phrase that was.
And it is indeed what I am doing.
I lost a 1.5 this past week - I am still floating from that victory. That's a total of 5 for 4 weeks that I have been eating differently.
I am filling ALL of my spare time with activity and work. Not Work-my-career-kind-of-work, but just things that need to be worked on for ME. Like my house, like my music, like my students, that kind of work. I have added 5 days of walking in the morning, I have now included 3 days of pilates in the afternoon.
Anything to keep my mind and body busy. It serves several purposes.
1. It keeps me from dwelling and ruminating on the personal issues in my life.
2. It keeps me fresh for the cat and mouse game I am a somewhat willing participant in
3. And It keeps the Contessa looking and feeling like a Contessa
And Let's face it - isn't that the real issue here?
Today, I took a nap. It was the BEST and most delicious nap I have had in awhile.
When I woke up, I put together a delicious glass of iced water with slice lemons and limes. And I set about looking on the internet for Green non=preseciption contact lenses.
And I found them
They aren't hideously expensive and I am finding my hazel eyes a bit boring. So I went to green.
I paid through Paypal and they will likely ship out tomorrow.
The new and Improved contessa is on her way....
Watch out world.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
A melange of things
Today I had a busy and interesting day. And I like days like this because at least part of it is all about me, the other parts just include me and most of all it keeps my mind occupied.
And right now mind occupation is a good and important thing.
I had my voice lesson which was pretty good- I have so open ended questions about a performance I am supposed to do, but as I forgot to ask that's not my issue right now. I'll get it tomorrow.
So I went to Weight watchers and weighed in - 1.2 down. Very exciting - I was whistling on the way home and singing to upbeat Santana tunes ( the 70 degree weather was inspiring actually).
I got home and spent 40 minutes picking out outfits, changing. trying on new outfits. It was a tough call because I was going to a dinner party at my moms and didn't want to be too dressed up but not too casual and then there was the 20 degree swing in temperature that I needed to contend with.
I finally decide on a lovely sweater with three quarter length sleeves and horizontal stripes that alternate black, white and blue grey. Paired with black slim pants and 4 inch Black croc slides, I felt ready. Packed up my makeup and headed for my nail appointment.
Got my nails done, got waxed and had my eyelashes permed and tinted. The latter was a little bit torturous this week because my allergies were not happy, but it gave me the opportunity to practice some yoga deep breathing.
I headed to my mom's for her dinner party. Lot's of old friends and collegues. We had a lot of fun. I haven't seen these people in so long. It was lovely. We had a moment of remembrance for Rod. We ha a nice time catching up.
I left after 6 hours and drove home having eaten too much, but happy, having helped my mother in the kitchen - and she let me and didn't re-wash anything, and called an old friend I haven't talked to in 5-6 months. We caught up and agreed not to let the time get away and we're going to schedules some time to get together next week.
I have some major improvement plans for myself and I need to make some other adjustments to The plan:
1. Health:
I'm excerising more now - I have added pilates two - three times a week, walking is being ramped up to 5 days a week, core work every day.
I am eating healthier. I am shooting to get 3 dairy servings a day and 5 fruits and veggies servings.
I am keeping my portions small.
2 . Beauty:
All of the above AND
Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance.
I am getting green contacts. I have always wanted them so I am investing the money and doing it.
I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.
I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.
I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.
I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.
I am making my ob/gyn appt so I can get back on my birth control pills. My body works better on them. I went off out of necessity but that has passed and I need to go back on from a health perspective. The doctor suggested it and I agree - so I am going back soon.
I have a pedicure planned for May.
3. God
I am doing a lot of meditating. On myself and for others. I like that peaceful feeling when I am done so I am planning to make this a nightly plan.
I am planning on better attendance at church. I did not contact my priest yet on my situation but I do feel like I am in better control of it now. But as long as I continue my good relationship with God I think I will be OK for now. Not to be hokey but that's the way it is.
Going to meditate now...
And right now mind occupation is a good and important thing.
I had my voice lesson which was pretty good- I have so open ended questions about a performance I am supposed to do, but as I forgot to ask that's not my issue right now. I'll get it tomorrow.
So I went to Weight watchers and weighed in - 1.2 down. Very exciting - I was whistling on the way home and singing to upbeat Santana tunes ( the 70 degree weather was inspiring actually).
I got home and spent 40 minutes picking out outfits, changing. trying on new outfits. It was a tough call because I was going to a dinner party at my moms and didn't want to be too dressed up but not too casual and then there was the 20 degree swing in temperature that I needed to contend with.
I finally decide on a lovely sweater with three quarter length sleeves and horizontal stripes that alternate black, white and blue grey. Paired with black slim pants and 4 inch Black croc slides, I felt ready. Packed up my makeup and headed for my nail appointment.
Got my nails done, got waxed and had my eyelashes permed and tinted. The latter was a little bit torturous this week because my allergies were not happy, but it gave me the opportunity to practice some yoga deep breathing.
I headed to my mom's for her dinner party. Lot's of old friends and collegues. We had a lot of fun. I haven't seen these people in so long. It was lovely. We had a moment of remembrance for Rod. We ha a nice time catching up.
I left after 6 hours and drove home having eaten too much, but happy, having helped my mother in the kitchen - and she let me and didn't re-wash anything, and called an old friend I haven't talked to in 5-6 months. We caught up and agreed not to let the time get away and we're going to schedules some time to get together next week.
I have some major improvement plans for myself and I need to make some other adjustments to The plan:
1. Health:
I'm excerising more now - I have added pilates two - three times a week, walking is being ramped up to 5 days a week, core work every day.
I am eating healthier. I am shooting to get 3 dairy servings a day and 5 fruits and veggies servings.
I am keeping my portions small.
2 . Beauty:
All of the above AND
Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance.
I am getting green contacts. I have always wanted them so I am investing the money and doing it.
I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.
I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.
I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.
I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.
I am making my ob/gyn appt so I can get back on my birth control pills. My body works better on them. I went off out of necessity but that has passed and I need to go back on from a health perspective. The doctor suggested it and I agree - so I am going back soon.
I have a pedicure planned for May.
3. God
I am doing a lot of meditating. On myself and for others. I like that peaceful feeling when I am done so I am planning to make this a nightly plan.
I am planning on better attendance at church. I did not contact my priest yet on my situation but I do feel like I am in better control of it now. But as long as I continue my good relationship with God I think I will be OK for now. Not to be hokey but that's the way it is.
Going to meditate now...
Friday, April 20, 2007
A Myspace Stab to the heart and Prayer
I was poking around on Myspace yesterday - not a common occurance so much. I generally sign in and check to see if any of my posse has sent me a comment or a message then I am off to the race called life.
But last night, in the midst of some crisis in my town, involving a chopper, large searchlight and all circling the area 2 blocks south of me to 2 blocks east of me, I was just messing around in Myspace.
I happened upon some pictures of my friends brother. The one who has ALS. These are the before pictures in a very bad "before / after " game. He is a beautiful person but even more so now that I see how he's changed.
You see, now Alex has to be in a Wheelchair full time with neck support. He has lost most of his physical functionality. His mind, naturally, is sharp as ever. That's the nature of this disease. And it's tortorous to it's victims.
Alex is turning 46. He was diagnosed by process of elimination roughly 6-7 years ago.
I won an award last year for a fund raiser I did to help his family raise money for a Handicapped equipped Van for wheelchairs. I was never comfortable with winning the award to be honest. It struck me as weird. I should win award for helping someone who needed help? I was thrilled to have been chosen and I was grateful to my president who nominated me and for the committee who approved me. I have it hung on the wall in my home, with a ticket from the event and a Publicity photo taken of some of the powers that be and myself. None with Alex and I can't lay my hands on those. I would prefer to have that here.
I spent some time meditating on him after this. I want to do more to help him. The family is in disarray. I give them a lot of credit though. They work really hard. They are much closer than mine is so when this tragedy struck, they just spent their time finding ways to make it work. They challenged the disease head on. Not just for Alex, but for anyone who suffers from this deadly disease. And we all pray daily for a cure.
Reality is I am doing what I can at this point. I donate money through that family to ALS, I hosted a fundraiser to help them out, I help provide stress relief for his siblings through friendship. But that feeling of helplessness and knowing that his life is cut short at this young age, not because of death, but due to incapacity, hurts me. Like his brother, he's a fantastic musician. His reputation precedes him. He is well loved.
It was both lovely and painful to see just how much he is loved on Myspace. I have added Alex to our prayers for the sick at church. I believe in prayer in numbers.
Of late, I have been praying a lot on my specific situations. In , it is my first topic in my conversations with God. After that, I touch on blessings for family and friends, then specific situations for friends/family who are having a tough time. LAst night, I did a full meditation on Alex, later on, one on me, then I did my regular prayer time on everything/everyone else.
It seems like a lot, but I will only tell you this, my prayers may not give me the answer I want, but they give me an answer.
But last night, in the midst of some crisis in my town, involving a chopper, large searchlight and all circling the area 2 blocks south of me to 2 blocks east of me, I was just messing around in Myspace.
I happened upon some pictures of my friends brother. The one who has ALS. These are the before pictures in a very bad "before / after " game. He is a beautiful person but even more so now that I see how he's changed.
You see, now Alex has to be in a Wheelchair full time with neck support. He has lost most of his physical functionality. His mind, naturally, is sharp as ever. That's the nature of this disease. And it's tortorous to it's victims.
Alex is turning 46. He was diagnosed by process of elimination roughly 6-7 years ago.
I won an award last year for a fund raiser I did to help his family raise money for a Handicapped equipped Van for wheelchairs. I was never comfortable with winning the award to be honest. It struck me as weird. I should win award for helping someone who needed help? I was thrilled to have been chosen and I was grateful to my president who nominated me and for the committee who approved me. I have it hung on the wall in my home, with a ticket from the event and a Publicity photo taken of some of the powers that be and myself. None with Alex and I can't lay my hands on those. I would prefer to have that here.
I spent some time meditating on him after this. I want to do more to help him. The family is in disarray. I give them a lot of credit though. They work really hard. They are much closer than mine is so when this tragedy struck, they just spent their time finding ways to make it work. They challenged the disease head on. Not just for Alex, but for anyone who suffers from this deadly disease. And we all pray daily for a cure.
Reality is I am doing what I can at this point. I donate money through that family to ALS, I hosted a fundraiser to help them out, I help provide stress relief for his siblings through friendship. But that feeling of helplessness and knowing that his life is cut short at this young age, not because of death, but due to incapacity, hurts me. Like his brother, he's a fantastic musician. His reputation precedes him. He is well loved.
It was both lovely and painful to see just how much he is loved on Myspace. I have added Alex to our prayers for the sick at church. I believe in prayer in numbers.
Of late, I have been praying a lot on my specific situations. In , it is my first topic in my conversations with God. After that, I touch on blessings for family and friends, then specific situations for friends/family who are having a tough time. LAst night, I did a full meditation on Alex, later on, one on me, then I did my regular prayer time on everything/everyone else.
It seems like a lot, but I will only tell you this, my prayers may not give me the answer I want, but they give me an answer.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
On Vanity
I was speaking to my mom briefly today. I mentioned that I may be late to her dinner party on Saturday because I need to get my eyelashes tinted and curled. She laughed at me.
So I reminded her that not having eyelashes on one eye is really troublesome. She had been through this in her youth as well and said that if these processes were available back then she would be doing them too. But they weren't so she had to wait for her eyelashes to grow back. Did you know that takes a really long time?
I cracked up when I realized where I got my vanity from. My mom. She is always put together, she loves clothes and shoes and her hair is always done and her makeup is always on.
Vanity - A little bit is a good thing.
So I reminded her that not having eyelashes on one eye is really troublesome. She had been through this in her youth as well and said that if these processes were available back then she would be doing them too. But they weren't so she had to wait for her eyelashes to grow back. Did you know that takes a really long time?
I cracked up when I realized where I got my vanity from. My mom. She is always put together, she loves clothes and shoes and her hair is always done and her makeup is always on.
Vanity - A little bit is a good thing.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Never underestimate the power of a new bra
About two weeks ago, I surveyed my bra drawer. Yes, I have an entire drawer dedicated to the support and decoration of breasts. Every color, design, function, format, type - it's all there. From VS to La Perla to Hanes to Reebok. Navy blue, Aqua, Strawberry, Green, Patterns, Satins, Silks, Cotton, Lycra....
It's a sickness in all likelihood. Especially when you hhave matching panties... seriously. Someone commit me.
My younger brother used to have a saying.... He's a collector of jackets and fine lingerie.
Well .... so am I. And I get to wear it.
So, in reviewing my bra drawer, it's occured to me that the whites could be whiter and the neutrals .... well the ain't so neutral. Time to ramp up.
I saw a commercial for the new Hanes bra. I'm not really a fan.... I like finer quality against my skin. But I was intrigued. And they were ten dollars on a sale. Unable to resist, I bought 6. 2 white, 2 neutral, 1 black and 1 lilac.
They arrived this morning but USPS. And the crazy postman who buzzes loudly fourteen times, sadly, no longer works this route. Instead there is a lovely woman who nicely brought them to my door.
I was going to a dinner meeting after teaching a lesson tonight. YAY I can wear my new brassiere!! What to wear over it now. I ended up wearing a pair of dress black pants, a cotton hip length ribbed turtleneck and my black 4 inch croc slides.
I looked pretty damn good if I do say so.
I was so damn confident walking into the meeting. As I was leaving, 2 of the guys wanted to know if I had had my hair done, another one asked if I had lost weight.
I noticed upon leaving that the wiggle in my step and sashay of my hips and perky gait of my walk were all back.
Ladies and gentlemen, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER underestimate the power of a new Brassiere!
It's a sickness in all likelihood. Especially when you hhave matching panties... seriously. Someone commit me.
My younger brother used to have a saying.... He's a collector of jackets and fine lingerie.
Well .... so am I. And I get to wear it.
So, in reviewing my bra drawer, it's occured to me that the whites could be whiter and the neutrals .... well the ain't so neutral. Time to ramp up.
I saw a commercial for the new Hanes bra. I'm not really a fan.... I like finer quality against my skin. But I was intrigued. And they were ten dollars on a sale. Unable to resist, I bought 6. 2 white, 2 neutral, 1 black and 1 lilac.
They arrived this morning but USPS. And the crazy postman who buzzes loudly fourteen times, sadly, no longer works this route. Instead there is a lovely woman who nicely brought them to my door.
I was going to a dinner meeting after teaching a lesson tonight. YAY I can wear my new brassiere!! What to wear over it now. I ended up wearing a pair of dress black pants, a cotton hip length ribbed turtleneck and my black 4 inch croc slides.
I looked pretty damn good if I do say so.
I was so damn confident walking into the meeting. As I was leaving, 2 of the guys wanted to know if I had had my hair done, another one asked if I had lost weight.
I noticed upon leaving that the wiggle in my step and sashay of my hips and perky gait of my walk were all back.
Ladies and gentlemen, NEVER, I repeat, NEVER underestimate the power of a new Brassiere!
On Exercise
Good Day.
I did a 45 minute pilates session today. I was pleasantly surprised. I am much more flexible than I gave myself credit for AND while there were a few exercizes that I was not able to complete fully, I got through a really good portion of it. There wasn't anything I couldn't do most of.
I did some yoga last night - a special program to relax you to go to sleep.
Bad news.
I was not able to sleep.
So I have decided not to do that too late at night.
so I have decided that for the rest of April, I will walk 2 miles, 5 days per week, pilates 2 days a week and yoga two days a week.
The Modified "Plan" on activity is ultimately to do the walking every day, 7 days max, 5 days min. 2 days on pilates, 2 on yoga and 2-3 on weight training.
This plan will not be taking effect though until late May or June. I need to get into the routine first and make it a habit which should be the rest of April.
Once I have done that, I will add each layer. First the pilates and yoga. Then the firm Body sculpting.
The eating right has been 3 weeks and I am seeing the difference. I am feeling the difference.
This is a good change for me.
I did a 45 minute pilates session today. I was pleasantly surprised. I am much more flexible than I gave myself credit for AND while there were a few exercizes that I was not able to complete fully, I got through a really good portion of it. There wasn't anything I couldn't do most of.
I did some yoga last night - a special program to relax you to go to sleep.
Bad news.
I was not able to sleep.
So I have decided not to do that too late at night.
so I have decided that for the rest of April, I will walk 2 miles, 5 days per week, pilates 2 days a week and yoga two days a week.
The Modified "Plan" on activity is ultimately to do the walking every day, 7 days max, 5 days min. 2 days on pilates, 2 on yoga and 2-3 on weight training.
This plan will not be taking effect though until late May or June. I need to get into the routine first and make it a habit which should be the rest of April.
Once I have done that, I will add each layer. First the pilates and yoga. Then the firm Body sculpting.
The eating right has been 3 weeks and I am seeing the difference. I am feeling the difference.
This is a good change for me.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
a short thought
I just noticed in conversations with my team today, that I haven't noticed how bad things have been at work since last Wed/Thurs.
Normally, it's an hourly deluge of crap from them..... but not as much as you'd think.
What I noticed most about it is, I had something else consuming me from my personal life which made the job hell seem a lot more trivial than it is. FL girl just called and she's addressing the crap directly now. As a peer...
Interesting how the one thing that consumed me for 18 months was suddenly paled by something else... and it escaped my notice....
Later - I'll be back with a real post
Normally, it's an hourly deluge of crap from them..... but not as much as you'd think.
What I noticed most about it is, I had something else consuming me from my personal life which made the job hell seem a lot more trivial than it is. FL girl just called and she's addressing the crap directly now. As a peer...
Interesting how the one thing that consumed me for 18 months was suddenly paled by something else... and it escaped my notice....
Later - I'll be back with a real post
Monday, April 16, 2007
Update on weight loss and self care.
I won't lie.
I haven't been attending my WW meetings the last 2 weeks.
I have, however, been vigilant on what I am eating and my scale in my house is proof. THe number keeps shifting down which is the way I like it. I am making a deal with myself to really turn the screws and get moving this week on activity. It has to happen. I also need to continue my skin regimin. It's really working - I look good. I am making my hair appointment at the end of the month - cut and color and then maybe if there's time and money - a facial. Yay me. and of course the requisite eyelash perm and tint. We are experimenting with extensions in May. If it's good, I'll invest the money in having it done. then I won't need perming and tinting. Just maintenance on the extensions. Thats a dream come true. I LOVE eyelashes!!! the longer the better.
A truer testatment is that I am not emotionally eating. And those of you who have been paying attention/actually know/reading between the lines, know that the risk for that was HIGH this week.
I drank instead. A really big surprise even to me. not my norm because I hate the lack of control. And I'm off that too for awhile. A glass of wine now and then but that's it. I don't need to blow off steam that badly and the end result is not good for me.
I slept like a top last night. I took some melatonin just to ease the process, but it was wonderful and refreshing. I feel good.
I don't know how many of you readers take any stock in astrology. I am open to it personally, but don't revolve my life around it. I actually get in trouble with it. when I am not really reading or paying attention or worse, dismissing it, that's when it sneaks up and bites me in the ass. Hard.
I readily admit that I think some of these people who write them are hokey. And some aren't.
My horoscope is hilarious. As I mentioned I tend to dismiss. I have a friend who SWEARS by it and she mentioned that with the shifts my life has recently taken, it might be a good idea to consult it. I almost died laughing on the one for this week and next week. This week is all about self care ( see above) and next week well... I'll make you wait for that so we can see together if the person writing these is really in tune with the universe....
It was too funny. And it happens to me all the time. And yet, you would think that might make me a believer in the mystical and it doesn't - not 100% and not enough. I love tarot cards - won't stake my life on it, the mermaid oracle - a personal favorite ( they are so pretty! ) also fun, but still a crap shoot, atrology.com ( the better of most sites by the way...) facade.com for tarot readings.... quite a hoot actaully.
Doesn't make me a full time believer and yet I go there when the chips are down. Why? I am looking for the clues from the universe that I may have missed. Then I can have my own private V-8 moment - hit myself in the head and say " crap - I should have been paying attention to the universe - and had a V-8!)
I haven't been attending my WW meetings the last 2 weeks.
I have, however, been vigilant on what I am eating and my scale in my house is proof. THe number keeps shifting down which is the way I like it. I am making a deal with myself to really turn the screws and get moving this week on activity. It has to happen. I also need to continue my skin regimin. It's really working - I look good. I am making my hair appointment at the end of the month - cut and color and then maybe if there's time and money - a facial. Yay me. and of course the requisite eyelash perm and tint. We are experimenting with extensions in May. If it's good, I'll invest the money in having it done. then I won't need perming and tinting. Just maintenance on the extensions. Thats a dream come true. I LOVE eyelashes!!! the longer the better.
A truer testatment is that I am not emotionally eating. And those of you who have been paying attention/actually know/reading between the lines, know that the risk for that was HIGH this week.
I drank instead. A really big surprise even to me. not my norm because I hate the lack of control. And I'm off that too for awhile. A glass of wine now and then but that's it. I don't need to blow off steam that badly and the end result is not good for me.
I slept like a top last night. I took some melatonin just to ease the process, but it was wonderful and refreshing. I feel good.
I don't know how many of you readers take any stock in astrology. I am open to it personally, but don't revolve my life around it. I actually get in trouble with it. when I am not really reading or paying attention or worse, dismissing it, that's when it sneaks up and bites me in the ass. Hard.
I readily admit that I think some of these people who write them are hokey. And some aren't.
My horoscope is hilarious. As I mentioned I tend to dismiss. I have a friend who SWEARS by it and she mentioned that with the shifts my life has recently taken, it might be a good idea to consult it. I almost died laughing on the one for this week and next week. This week is all about self care ( see above) and next week well... I'll make you wait for that so we can see together if the person writing these is really in tune with the universe....
It was too funny. And it happens to me all the time. And yet, you would think that might make me a believer in the mystical and it doesn't - not 100% and not enough. I love tarot cards - won't stake my life on it, the mermaid oracle - a personal favorite ( they are so pretty! ) also fun, but still a crap shoot, atrology.com ( the better of most sites by the way...) facade.com for tarot readings.... quite a hoot actaully.
Doesn't make me a full time believer and yet I go there when the chips are down. Why? I am looking for the clues from the universe that I may have missed. Then I can have my own private V-8 moment - hit myself in the head and say " crap - I should have been paying attention to the universe - and had a V-8!)
Untitled Post
Today was the second Sunday of Easter.
THe Gospel of choice in Christian based churches was about THomas - doubting Thomas.
I adore my priest. He's young ( my age roughly). He spoke of his worst year. The year he couldn't wait to have over. He mentioned that he was in a job he hated, a church that wasn't comfortable, a masters program that wasn't working for him, family was having issues and he was alone. He went on to mention that good friends will stay with you and help you see the sun on the dark days, good friends will walk with you when you need them too and sometimes carry you when that's required.
I have to be honest, somehow that tied into the Gospel for today. I really didn't get past those last words. They are very true. And the ones who do this often times come from places you don't expect.
Bernie's version was a little bit different.... A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body. Same idea - with his unique twist of humor.
But the part that gets confusing is when the problems are with one of the "best friends". That's where we deal differently and it's subtle, very subtle and it needs to be handled delicately to a degree so as not to shake the foundation up too much. Right?
Or is it? Do you avoid? Do you confront? Do you pretend everything is normal and hope the awkwardness goes away?
I don't know the answers here.... but that's actually OK for now. Because I have other friends who are carrying and CARING for me right now when I need them.
You all know who you are.... Thank you for caring about me enough to help me through this. It's tough on me, but I am taking this to a higher power sometime this week. I have a wonderful counselor in my priest and I have talked over things with him of significantly more importance in the scheme of my life. In reading some of your blogs, you picked me up and carried me when you were not in an optimal place for yourselves. And in light of that..... I am grateful. Very, truly blessed and grateful.
It is kind of Strange though. While it's very important to me, I can't help taking a step back and thinking "how junior high is this?" or worse yet "This is embarassng to be dealing with when there are people out there grieving for lost loved ones, war, rape, death, illness...." But in the end, its still real to me and not going away. It's just dulled a bit after a lot of tears and then some sleep, then more tears. I prayed a lot this morning. Shortly I will be heading to bed and I will pray again. I have had several discussions with my dad ( don't look at me like that, I know he's dead. I still talk to the man and sometimes, when it's important, that's when I get my answers! ).
In fact, a problem solving technique that I like to employ is to shelve the problem until a set date and time. Anytime it comes up, you repeat some lovely mantra or phrase that works for you. Mine is " Put down the problem and step away! It's not to be touched until ____"
My timetable here is not reliant on me. But I am not going to address the issue before April 20. If it's forced prior to that, I'll cross that bridge then.
THe Gospel of choice in Christian based churches was about THomas - doubting Thomas.
I adore my priest. He's young ( my age roughly). He spoke of his worst year. The year he couldn't wait to have over. He mentioned that he was in a job he hated, a church that wasn't comfortable, a masters program that wasn't working for him, family was having issues and he was alone. He went on to mention that good friends will stay with you and help you see the sun on the dark days, good friends will walk with you when you need them too and sometimes carry you when that's required.
I have to be honest, somehow that tied into the Gospel for today. I really didn't get past those last words. They are very true. And the ones who do this often times come from places you don't expect.
Bernie's version was a little bit different.... A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body. Same idea - with his unique twist of humor.
But the part that gets confusing is when the problems are with one of the "best friends". That's where we deal differently and it's subtle, very subtle and it needs to be handled delicately to a degree so as not to shake the foundation up too much. Right?
Or is it? Do you avoid? Do you confront? Do you pretend everything is normal and hope the awkwardness goes away?
I don't know the answers here.... but that's actually OK for now. Because I have other friends who are carrying and CARING for me right now when I need them.
You all know who you are.... Thank you for caring about me enough to help me through this. It's tough on me, but I am taking this to a higher power sometime this week. I have a wonderful counselor in my priest and I have talked over things with him of significantly more importance in the scheme of my life. In reading some of your blogs, you picked me up and carried me when you were not in an optimal place for yourselves. And in light of that..... I am grateful. Very, truly blessed and grateful.
It is kind of Strange though. While it's very important to me, I can't help taking a step back and thinking "how junior high is this?" or worse yet "This is embarassng to be dealing with when there are people out there grieving for lost loved ones, war, rape, death, illness...." But in the end, its still real to me and not going away. It's just dulled a bit after a lot of tears and then some sleep, then more tears. I prayed a lot this morning. Shortly I will be heading to bed and I will pray again. I have had several discussions with my dad ( don't look at me like that, I know he's dead. I still talk to the man and sometimes, when it's important, that's when I get my answers! ).
In fact, a problem solving technique that I like to employ is to shelve the problem until a set date and time. Anytime it comes up, you repeat some lovely mantra or phrase that works for you. Mine is " Put down the problem and step away! It's not to be touched until ____"
My timetable here is not reliant on me. But I am not going to address the issue before April 20. If it's forced prior to that, I'll cross that bridge then.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
On Murder Mysteries
The party was overall a success. The food was good, everyone came in costume, the drinks were wonderful. The company was good. we had a grieving widow, a nun a priest, a forensic specialist, a ferry captain, a french restauranteur, a real estate agent, an investigator, a chauffeur, a slutty secretary and a simple forestor.
The chauffeur and grieving widow were the murderers. My poor friend who played the chauffeur, took one look at the first round that outted him with a clue to conceal that stated he as the murderer, he made me go wiht him to the bedroom to explain what was happening... it was funny.
He brought his new lady friend who played Inspector Flic. Very nice, I like her a lot for him. In fact I told him I liked her better than him! I'm kidding of course.
My dinner was delicious. One friend had too much to drink and I argued with them in order to keep them here as long as possible. When the argument was over 40 odd minutes later, they were sobered up! I can't prevent them from leaving so I argue until they sober up. I can keep that game up from hours. Especially since I was sober. and they weren't. Verry entertaining.
Had the entire house cleaned up and everything put back by the end of the night for the most part. I am pretty pleased with that overall.
I liked the murder mystery but someone else has to host it next time. It was very tiring. And I didn't sleep well either though that's the mode of choice these days.
This was a lot of fun. I Highly recommend it!!!
The chauffeur and grieving widow were the murderers. My poor friend who played the chauffeur, took one look at the first round that outted him with a clue to conceal that stated he as the murderer, he made me go wiht him to the bedroom to explain what was happening... it was funny.
He brought his new lady friend who played Inspector Flic. Very nice, I like her a lot for him. In fact I told him I liked her better than him! I'm kidding of course.
My dinner was delicious. One friend had too much to drink and I argued with them in order to keep them here as long as possible. When the argument was over 40 odd minutes later, they were sobered up! I can't prevent them from leaving so I argue until they sober up. I can keep that game up from hours. Especially since I was sober. and they weren't. Verry entertaining.
Had the entire house cleaned up and everything put back by the end of the night for the most part. I am pretty pleased with that overall.
I liked the murder mystery but someone else has to host it next time. It was very tiring. And I didn't sleep well either though that's the mode of choice these days.
This was a lot of fun. I Highly recommend it!!!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
More prepared for my party than I expected
The day was hectic. I ran around like a wingnut getting everything ready for this party. The party I am not in the mood to host. Nothing against my friends, but I am not in a party mood.
It's a good thing that I am doing it anyway. The fact remains that if I am busy I can't think or react. So those two things aside, this has the potential to be good for me.
I am the master of hiding when I need to. I feel like I need to, but not allowing myself that luxory. Not now and not on this.
A very wise point was made today, that I was sliding fast. That's true. So stopping myself midslide seems like the wise thing to do. I am picturing myself, fallen, on a ski slope, unable to go down any further but with no viable means to get back up to the top.
So I was relieved when the hand was held out to help me back up to the top. I had been planning to ask for that help from this specific individual, but there never seemed to be a good time. I felt like it was a productive discussion and while I still have the fear, it's much easier to deal with. The conversation led me to more questions than answers butI can't tell you how relieved I feel. Though nothing truly got resolved, I am no longer angry and upset. Yes, I shed a few tears but that was the reality of the situation being painted in front of me. The good part is I have that hand to help me back up the mountain.
Now, I have never thought of myself as stupid, but maybe I am. In certain specific areas. For example. If someone calls and leaves me a message saying " I need to talk to you, it's urgent, I'll call you back tomorrow" I'll climb the walls until I know what's going on. Likewise when I was younger and my mom would say "Wait until UB gets home" or even younger "Wait umtil your dad gets home" I would dbe panicking and flipping out until the inevitable happened.
So surprises don't sit well with me unless they are good ones. And please don't be swayed and give me clues because that will only make me crazy and not in the good way. I anticipate the worst because I have never had a major surprise that was a good one. One that was just about me an other people. Oh yes the surprise Christmas/birthday gifts for sure but I am talking about something other than the material.
So keeping myself busy is a good thing. I can't get caught up in the possible ( and lets face it probable ) bad outcome. I am considering filing this week under "fun memories" and calling it over. I think its the right thing to do. Although, to be fair, I am basing all of this on my own feelings and opinions. Is that the right thing to do? Should I take into acount the other's involved ? Probably.
I think I am alone in this to be honest. So I am going to mentally treat this as if I am. If I am wrong, I'll deal with that when it comes up.
So I am busy and now I am planning to be sleeping.
Oh - I ate Pina coloda flavored Cashews tonight for dinner - I HIGHLY recommend these.
Au Revoir - Fait de beau reves!
It's a good thing that I am doing it anyway. The fact remains that if I am busy I can't think or react. So those two things aside, this has the potential to be good for me.
I am the master of hiding when I need to. I feel like I need to, but not allowing myself that luxory. Not now and not on this.
A very wise point was made today, that I was sliding fast. That's true. So stopping myself midslide seems like the wise thing to do. I am picturing myself, fallen, on a ski slope, unable to go down any further but with no viable means to get back up to the top.
So I was relieved when the hand was held out to help me back up to the top. I had been planning to ask for that help from this specific individual, but there never seemed to be a good time. I felt like it was a productive discussion and while I still have the fear, it's much easier to deal with. The conversation led me to more questions than answers butI can't tell you how relieved I feel. Though nothing truly got resolved, I am no longer angry and upset. Yes, I shed a few tears but that was the reality of the situation being painted in front of me. The good part is I have that hand to help me back up the mountain.
Now, I have never thought of myself as stupid, but maybe I am. In certain specific areas. For example. If someone calls and leaves me a message saying " I need to talk to you, it's urgent, I'll call you back tomorrow" I'll climb the walls until I know what's going on. Likewise when I was younger and my mom would say "Wait until UB gets home" or even younger "Wait umtil your dad gets home" I would dbe panicking and flipping out until the inevitable happened.
So surprises don't sit well with me unless they are good ones. And please don't be swayed and give me clues because that will only make me crazy and not in the good way. I anticipate the worst because I have never had a major surprise that was a good one. One that was just about me an other people. Oh yes the surprise Christmas/birthday gifts for sure but I am talking about something other than the material.
So keeping myself busy is a good thing. I can't get caught up in the possible ( and lets face it probable ) bad outcome. I am considering filing this week under "fun memories" and calling it over. I think its the right thing to do. Although, to be fair, I am basing all of this on my own feelings and opinions. Is that the right thing to do? Should I take into acount the other's involved ? Probably.
I think I am alone in this to be honest. So I am going to mentally treat this as if I am. If I am wrong, I'll deal with that when it comes up.
So I am busy and now I am planning to be sleeping.
Oh - I ate Pina coloda flavored Cashews tonight for dinner - I HIGHLY recommend these.
Au Revoir - Fait de beau reves!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Things are better because I decided they need to be
Now I woke up this morning and for the first time in literally 7 days, I didn't dream about the situations that I have been dealing with this week.
At least I don't readily recall the dreams if they were happening. That's a relief.
The reason being: the first two nights were wonderful. Deep sleep, lovely just lovely dreams.
The second two nights - comme ci comme ca - not bad but not winning awards in the happiness department.
The last two nights were positively abismal. I was very upset upon wakin up and it carried through my day.
So this morning when I woke up and realized that I wasn't dreaming in a memorable fashion AT ALL, I was kind of relieved.
I had had a nice hot bath and read my frivolous book after working at the house to make it party ready for Saturday.
I took one look at my body and noticed hives. My whole body from the hips up. I freaked out.
I felt fine and if I hadn't had the bath I would not have noticed right off. I took some benedryl and all of my normal creams and lotions and allergy meds etc. I went to bed and woke up feeling refreshed but most importantly the hives, while not yet gone, have gone down some.
It was stress related. This is a new one. I usually eat!
But no eating for me. I had no time. So I got hives. so now the question becomes do I eat and be fat or be thin and hivey?
Tough call.
The bottom line is stress does strange things to the body. So for the sake of my personal self preservation, I have decided that things are OK. They have to be for my health.
The entire point of this post is, I can be sad about the end result of this situation, or I can be hopeful and look for a silver lining. I am generally a positive person, but only in certain situations do I jump to the negative first. Those situations are usually wrapped in my self esteem issues. Am I good enough, do I do the job well, will they like me? things like this. Of course my appearance has something to do with that as well. While I am working on that, I still believe that I am a beautiful woman inside and out.
So in order to preserve my health and my sanity, after some conversation on the topic last night, I just woke up and decided that I am going to try not to worry, not to be sad and fearful and just go on being fabulous. I have now changed my outfit for the party somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 times and I am really still nervous about it, but I think it will be OK. I can't tell you that Saturday and Sunday's posts are going to be OK. I simply do not know.
I thank you all for your support here - this has been a rough week and while compared to some REALLY bad things that can happen, this is but a drop in the bucket and could go a good way too. Time will tell.
At least I don't readily recall the dreams if they were happening. That's a relief.
The reason being: the first two nights were wonderful. Deep sleep, lovely just lovely dreams.
The second two nights - comme ci comme ca - not bad but not winning awards in the happiness department.
The last two nights were positively abismal. I was very upset upon wakin up and it carried through my day.
So this morning when I woke up and realized that I wasn't dreaming in a memorable fashion AT ALL, I was kind of relieved.
I had had a nice hot bath and read my frivolous book after working at the house to make it party ready for Saturday.
I took one look at my body and noticed hives. My whole body from the hips up. I freaked out.
I felt fine and if I hadn't had the bath I would not have noticed right off. I took some benedryl and all of my normal creams and lotions and allergy meds etc. I went to bed and woke up feeling refreshed but most importantly the hives, while not yet gone, have gone down some.
It was stress related. This is a new one. I usually eat!
But no eating for me. I had no time. So I got hives. so now the question becomes do I eat and be fat or be thin and hivey?
Tough call.
The bottom line is stress does strange things to the body. So for the sake of my personal self preservation, I have decided that things are OK. They have to be for my health.
The entire point of this post is, I can be sad about the end result of this situation, or I can be hopeful and look for a silver lining. I am generally a positive person, but only in certain situations do I jump to the negative first. Those situations are usually wrapped in my self esteem issues. Am I good enough, do I do the job well, will they like me? things like this. Of course my appearance has something to do with that as well. While I am working on that, I still believe that I am a beautiful woman inside and out.
So in order to preserve my health and my sanity, after some conversation on the topic last night, I just woke up and decided that I am going to try not to worry, not to be sad and fearful and just go on being fabulous. I have now changed my outfit for the party somewhere in the neighborhood of 4 times and I am really still nervous about it, but I think it will be OK. I can't tell you that Saturday and Sunday's posts are going to be OK. I simply do not know.
I thank you all for your support here - this has been a rough week and while compared to some REALLY bad things that can happen, this is but a drop in the bucket and could go a good way too. Time will tell.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
On drinking
OK, here's the deal.
My family has a history of unaddressed alcoholism. Social drinking was de rigeur and most of our parents did it. The Scotch after work to unwind, the wine with dinner, etc.
I still socially drink, but I rarely if ever drink alone and not because of the stigma. I will occasionally have my red wine with a nice meal at home alone, or I will have a glass of wine or the bubbly in my bath at night. But I keep those occasions rare to make them more of a special treat for myself.
But in times of intense stress or release of said stress, I find that if I am out with friends or at a party, I will drink and possibly drink more than I normally would at home in my bath.
Not to get drunk, not my intention because I don't like the loss of control and I hate the next day passionately.
So in light of the positive resolution to my work situation which included a holographic apology from the customer, I went to an event and proceeded to have 3 martini's in four hours.
And forgot to eat.
I paid very dearly too. The hangover wasn't even the worst part - not great, but it wasn't bad because I ate when I got home and I loaded up with fluids So not too terrible, tired but ok.
It's the principle behind the thing. I have open ended items that are makng no head way and I can't force them. So the reality is the job thing sent me all the way down the slippery slope that I was on already. The resolution presented it self late in the day so I was in a much improved mood, but not at the top of slope yet.
That situation requires other people to participate in the resolution and if I force it I am possibly forcing the resolution the wrong way. It's a precarious fall for me really and I don't have a lot of breathing room. What bothers me most about this scenario is that I really don't have the control over it and if I am honest with myself, I have already allowed it to take over too much real estate in my brain. With no realistic end in sight.
So when the situation to have a signature drink at this event came up, I tried one, liked it and went back for another. Never once activating my normal plan which is to alternate the drink with soda or water, which I normally do.
Having paid my dues to the Martini God, in the form of a very very very mild hangover that I recovered from quickly, the problem is me.
I'm being cautious, I'm being careful. But it's not enough. So it's sitting inside and festering.
I'll sort it out, but if I am honest with myself, I am afraid of the resolution.
Stay tuned.
My family has a history of unaddressed alcoholism. Social drinking was de rigeur and most of our parents did it. The Scotch after work to unwind, the wine with dinner, etc.
I still socially drink, but I rarely if ever drink alone and not because of the stigma. I will occasionally have my red wine with a nice meal at home alone, or I will have a glass of wine or the bubbly in my bath at night. But I keep those occasions rare to make them more of a special treat for myself.
But in times of intense stress or release of said stress, I find that if I am out with friends or at a party, I will drink and possibly drink more than I normally would at home in my bath.
Not to get drunk, not my intention because I don't like the loss of control and I hate the next day passionately.
So in light of the positive resolution to my work situation which included a holographic apology from the customer, I went to an event and proceeded to have 3 martini's in four hours.
And forgot to eat.
I paid very dearly too. The hangover wasn't even the worst part - not great, but it wasn't bad because I ate when I got home and I loaded up with fluids So not too terrible, tired but ok.
It's the principle behind the thing. I have open ended items that are makng no head way and I can't force them. So the reality is the job thing sent me all the way down the slippery slope that I was on already. The resolution presented it self late in the day so I was in a much improved mood, but not at the top of slope yet.
That situation requires other people to participate in the resolution and if I force it I am possibly forcing the resolution the wrong way. It's a precarious fall for me really and I don't have a lot of breathing room. What bothers me most about this scenario is that I really don't have the control over it and if I am honest with myself, I have already allowed it to take over too much real estate in my brain. With no realistic end in sight.
So when the situation to have a signature drink at this event came up, I tried one, liked it and went back for another. Never once activating my normal plan which is to alternate the drink with soda or water, which I normally do.
Having paid my dues to the Martini God, in the form of a very very very mild hangover that I recovered from quickly, the problem is me.
I'm being cautious, I'm being careful. But it's not enough. So it's sitting inside and festering.
I'll sort it out, but if I am honest with myself, I am afraid of the resolution.
Stay tuned.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
On not going to bed mad
"Don't go to sleep B-4 U put your bad feelings to bed. If U lie down angry U wake up the same. Let it go, 'cause if ya don't it'll eat U up. Be sad if U have to, but not forever. Be mad if U must, but stop & think. Life is messy...& that's what makes it fun!"
This is a hard one for me.
You see as a rule, I play my truest, deepest feelings, good, bad, angry, sad, all of them very close to the vest. If I am telling you about it, there is a good change that either A. I have no choice, B. The drama of the feeling has paled enough to deal with in the light of day or C. It wasn't that big of a deal in the first place.
I noticed this first when I had my first beau. I refused to mention his name out loud to anyone in the household. They only noticed when he called on the phone to speak to me and my clearly obvious reaction. An example of me not having a choice.
On the flip side, I didn't really react to my parents divorce either. That took so many years for me to deal with that by the time I was prepared it was such old news that it didn't matter. Likewise, since my older step brother was behaving like a mad idiot about the whole thing, why did I need to have a tantrum too? The facts remained that neither his parents nor mine should have been married to each other. Each couple divorced and his dad my mom married and thats that. THe reality is - that union still exists and is still happy. So here's an example of it paling by the time I was ready to deal with it.
And still a third scenario is about it not being THAT big of a deal in the first place. Like the bit with my family this past fall. That was less about me and more about others. Why did I have such a hard time with it. I only spoke of it to a small handful of people outside the family for perspective. When I finally got to a day to speak to my priest the reality was that this wasn'nt my issue at all. It was others. So I bowed out and made everything easier for me. Not my normal behaviour, usually I assume other's problems.
Now, given that we know that I keep my most intense and important things to myself, how the hell am I supposed to sleep and let them go???? When you can't control the situation??? I am telling you this I have some things I can't let go of right now and they aren't sitting so very well for me. One of the top two is that I have a meeting tomorrow that is sheer stupidity and I am the scapegoat and there is not a DAMN thing on this earth that I can do to control it. My good name is being sullied here and I can't personally alter it. So how to let that go? I am angry and hurting and I totally feel like no one gives a damn.
And of course - how could anyone? If you don't know about it ( because I keep it close to the vest - come on keep up!) how is this anyone else's fault? It's not. I'm not that unreasonable.
I had a kidlette, who could have been me at that age, fall completely to pieces on Monday. She just told me that she was under a lot of stress (at age 10) and started to cry. If I hadn't been stunned into silence ( yes I was!) I probably would have joined her. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence. We talked for a long time. No answers readily came through. It was just burying each little hurt and pushing it down inside till there was no more room.
Sound Familiar?
So here I am, sitting in my house in the dark. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus and I feel like crying. but I don't have that much saved up, not like my kidlette. Just a handful of things. None do I have control over.
Because I have this lack of control, all I feel is frustration. I can't decide what the answers are and I can't really talk it over with people.
I have another 5 kids to teach between now and Friday and I have to be upbeat for them. They deserve that much for the money I get paid to do this.
I am hosting a party I am not ready for and part of me is dreading it. PArt of me is excited. We'll see.
I have another party at the end of the month - dreading it. and can't wait to go.
I am exhausted. I flipped my mattress and changed my bedding to the pretty springtime bedding I bought last year. No- it didn't help.
Yeah life is messy and sometimes that's fun.
I wish it was more fun right now than it is.
Am I overthinking this?
Well one thing's for certain, I'm not underthinking it.
Sound like I am ranting - no??? forgive me.
This is a hard one for me.
You see as a rule, I play my truest, deepest feelings, good, bad, angry, sad, all of them very close to the vest. If I am telling you about it, there is a good change that either A. I have no choice, B. The drama of the feeling has paled enough to deal with in the light of day or C. It wasn't that big of a deal in the first place.
I noticed this first when I had my first beau. I refused to mention his name out loud to anyone in the household. They only noticed when he called on the phone to speak to me and my clearly obvious reaction. An example of me not having a choice.
On the flip side, I didn't really react to my parents divorce either. That took so many years for me to deal with that by the time I was prepared it was such old news that it didn't matter. Likewise, since my older step brother was behaving like a mad idiot about the whole thing, why did I need to have a tantrum too? The facts remained that neither his parents nor mine should have been married to each other. Each couple divorced and his dad my mom married and thats that. THe reality is - that union still exists and is still happy. So here's an example of it paling by the time I was ready to deal with it.
And still a third scenario is about it not being THAT big of a deal in the first place. Like the bit with my family this past fall. That was less about me and more about others. Why did I have such a hard time with it. I only spoke of it to a small handful of people outside the family for perspective. When I finally got to a day to speak to my priest the reality was that this wasn'nt my issue at all. It was others. So I bowed out and made everything easier for me. Not my normal behaviour, usually I assume other's problems.
Now, given that we know that I keep my most intense and important things to myself, how the hell am I supposed to sleep and let them go???? When you can't control the situation??? I am telling you this I have some things I can't let go of right now and they aren't sitting so very well for me. One of the top two is that I have a meeting tomorrow that is sheer stupidity and I am the scapegoat and there is not a DAMN thing on this earth that I can do to control it. My good name is being sullied here and I can't personally alter it. So how to let that go? I am angry and hurting and I totally feel like no one gives a damn.
And of course - how could anyone? If you don't know about it ( because I keep it close to the vest - come on keep up!) how is this anyone else's fault? It's not. I'm not that unreasonable.
I had a kidlette, who could have been me at that age, fall completely to pieces on Monday. She just told me that she was under a lot of stress (at age 10) and started to cry. If I hadn't been stunned into silence ( yes I was!) I probably would have joined her. I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence. We talked for a long time. No answers readily came through. It was just burying each little hurt and pushing it down inside till there was no more room.
Sound Familiar?
So here I am, sitting in my house in the dark. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus and I feel like crying. but I don't have that much saved up, not like my kidlette. Just a handful of things. None do I have control over.
Because I have this lack of control, all I feel is frustration. I can't decide what the answers are and I can't really talk it over with people.
I have another 5 kids to teach between now and Friday and I have to be upbeat for them. They deserve that much for the money I get paid to do this.
I am hosting a party I am not ready for and part of me is dreading it. PArt of me is excited. We'll see.
I have another party at the end of the month - dreading it. and can't wait to go.
I am exhausted. I flipped my mattress and changed my bedding to the pretty springtime bedding I bought last year. No- it didn't help.
Yeah life is messy and sometimes that's fun.
I wish it was more fun right now than it is.
Am I overthinking this?
Well one thing's for certain, I'm not underthinking it.
Sound like I am ranting - no??? forgive me.
Monday, April 09, 2007
The Plan: Month 3: Check Point
I am a tad late in my month three Check point.....
Scenario 1 - Health
- Exercise - Really not so great here. I am more active overall but I am not doing regular activity. I am really committed to this for Month 4. I just thought I would be better at it by the end of this month but no.
- Food - I have seriously turned a corner. I have lost about 3 lbs in the last 2 weeks and I am feeling better than ever. I continue on this plan and my clothes are going to fit better than ever. My mom even commented how well I look.
- Journal - Honesty in my journal has become the primary. I am being very specific and weighing everything. It is actually gone well for me because I am eye-balling things better now making eating out or at someones home less of a crisis.
- Overall Health Management - My skin looks OK but it's allergy related. We have a high pollen count here ( High 9's) so I am actually feeling better than I should. I completed an internal cleanse and am doing the daily upkeep now. Lots of water and healthy food.
- Scenario 2 - Job/Career
- Boss is vindictive. We as a team are standing our ground with him. We have even agreed to jump levels on complaints if the need arises.
- Our Communication as a team has really improved over this past month. We are really working well as a unit now.
- We continue to give boss busy work to do so we can get our work done.
- I am just doing the best job I know how and taking the lead away from boss as often as possible while making sure that anything that has to have boss's name attached to it as actually done by Boss.
- I'm taking my lunch when I am supposed to. I am taking random 15-20 minute breaks to get my brain focused. I am shutting down at 5 and I no longer work weekend, after hours or holidays unless I am on call.
- Scenario 3 - My home
- It's clean and neat and that's all I can ask right now. The plans for interior design have been put off due to every weekend being tied up and NYSSMA
- Scenario 4 - finances
- My financial plan must be working because I am not feeling as much of a pinch as I had been.
- I am staying with Chase temporarily till I find someone better. Honestly their website has more minuses than pluses, but the pluses are big ones.
- I wrapped up my 401K loan just in enough time to pay my taxes this time. Which was the plan.
- Scenario 5 - Education
- Getting my kids ready for Solo festivals in this state.
- I am scheduled to take the adjudication courses next year ( The sign up was over by the time I found about it...)
- Still studying voice and doing well. I'm on hiatus performance -wise for awhile.
- Scenario 6 - Family & Friends
- Easter was wonderful. I spent the day with my brother and his in laws. My mom was there and my step dad, Mariana an Bill and their kids.
- Sister had her baby shower. It was a baby shower. But she received some lovely gifts.
- I am hosting a belated birthday party this weekend for my friends. It will be a lot of fun.
- My Friends are an interesting group of folks and I love them so very much. I spend time with my Jenna and her family - I adore them so. Eeman comes by when he can or I stop at a gig. Chris and I email, Lil and I catch up on the phone. It's wonderful. Chris is having a party soon too - a 70's theme!!! Yay!!!
- Scenario 7 - Self esteem
- Remember the low point with the Chinese food? Haven't had any since. Seriously. But that's all to the good. I love it, but it's not worth the caloric intake. I'm sure the delivery guy misses me.
- My self esteem is up up up up up up up up up. I just have to keep the euphoric feeling going.
- Life lessons are taking hold, I am already caught up and behind again. It's not that I am not doing the work, I am just not writing it down. I am reading a new book that always boosts my self esteem and confidence. It's called A bombshells guide to life.
- I am spending more time telling myself that I am beautiful. I am told that by others, but I can't believe them until I believe it. So I continue to dress and do my hair and put on my lipstick, but I am attractive even if I am just lounging in my home. I just have to remember that.
- I am doing my life Makeovers. This is a great help for putting my life in order.
- NEW Scenario - Faith
- Was not able to get to church as often as I wanted this month, but I did make a point of being there the week before Palm Sunday, the week of Palm Sunday and of course all of Holy Week.
- My Lenten reflections were on the good things that I have been provided with in my life. I know that I have a great capacity for love and I am using it to my best ability right now. I am using it for good and trying to do this unselfishly. I am in some uncharted waters here and will likely need guidance. Love is tough for me. Not actually loving, but the decision to allow it to happen at all. That is very hard for me.
I handled this month better in many ways and worse in others than Months 1 and 2. I had challenges I didn't plan on, some good and some not so good and some have the jury still out on. I will be continuing this plan and we'll see how it goes Next month!
As usual my credit line goes to Post - Doc for "the plan" and the inspiration to adopt it!
How much to say in a blogpost
I have some things in the hopper right now and I can't bring myself to post about them publicly yet.
Things like work, I can't put in publish mode. Not the gut wrenching brutally honest ones at any rate. For all good reasons.
But I was reading a book the other day. It's an old book that I read as teen an I kept the trio around because the author is very profound though she chooses to address the teen set. However, as an adult, I read these books from time to time on a different but yet the similar perspective as I did when I was younger.
Madeleine L'Engle wrote The Wrinkle in time series - wonderful. But the "Meet the Austins" Series is the one I keep around. A Ring of Endless light is an amazing story of a teenaged girl struggling with the death of a granndparent while living with her family at her grandparents home. She is also simultaneously dealing with boys and love, siblings and growing up in general. None of which is easy at any age. She is a poet.
The perspective I have now on this particular story is interesting. I used to identify with our Heroine, Vicky, most of the time. I still do in strange ways, but I find myself identifying with all the other characters in the story. Like the Widow who becomes the nurse to Vicky's grandfather. Her husband dies saving someone from drowning right in the first chapter of the story. He leaves behind two sons. One is younger thanVicky ( her younger sisters age in fact ) and the other is going off to college in the fall.
The widow speaks to her sons about grief in the book. It's a very short moment, but it always stuck with me. It's about life and death. Its about affirmations of life when tragedy strikes. The conversation between our heroine and dthe widow's eldest son seems pertinent to me right now....
It rang true. "Let's concentrate on eating, then. For now." Then I asked, "Have you been hungry too?"
"Famished. I talked to my mom about it, and she expained about it being an urge to live. When Dad's father died, he had a heart attack unexpectedly, just like dad - they wept, and then they made love. And she showed me that this wasn't being disrespectful but a-- what did she call it? An affirmation of the goodness of life."
Since the title of this post is "How much to say in a blogpost", the answer is clear to me right now on this topic. The quote says all of what I need to say right now.
Blogging is interesting. I am an honest person by definition but I notice that I am careful with how and what I write lest I offend someone close to me. And I can tell you that I have had one friend me why I felt a particular way about them when I met them. It wasn't a bad thing, just a timing thing. I am sensitive to others feelings and even when they may drive me crazy, I won't write what I am feeling at the time, because worse than saying things you don't mean, is writing them. It sits there in cyberspace eternally in print. Just like words spoken can sit on the soul forever.
So not writing what I want to write at this point is a little bit troublesome, but I will get it sorted at some point and write something appropriate thats deferential to others. I just can't break a confidentiality agreement that I sign for work on paper, or a verbal one that I make to myself or a friend. I will wait it out till I can put my feelings into appropriate words that only affect me and no one else.
Things like work, I can't put in publish mode. Not the gut wrenching brutally honest ones at any rate. For all good reasons.
But I was reading a book the other day. It's an old book that I read as teen an I kept the trio around because the author is very profound though she chooses to address the teen set. However, as an adult, I read these books from time to time on a different but yet the similar perspective as I did when I was younger.
Madeleine L'Engle wrote The Wrinkle in time series - wonderful. But the "Meet the Austins" Series is the one I keep around. A Ring of Endless light is an amazing story of a teenaged girl struggling with the death of a granndparent while living with her family at her grandparents home. She is also simultaneously dealing with boys and love, siblings and growing up in general. None of which is easy at any age. She is a poet.
The perspective I have now on this particular story is interesting. I used to identify with our Heroine, Vicky, most of the time. I still do in strange ways, but I find myself identifying with all the other characters in the story. Like the Widow who becomes the nurse to Vicky's grandfather. Her husband dies saving someone from drowning right in the first chapter of the story. He leaves behind two sons. One is younger thanVicky ( her younger sisters age in fact ) and the other is going off to college in the fall.
The widow speaks to her sons about grief in the book. It's a very short moment, but it always stuck with me. It's about life and death. Its about affirmations of life when tragedy strikes. The conversation between our heroine and dthe widow's eldest son seems pertinent to me right now....
" Why have I been so hungry all summer?" I asked
"Because eating is a part of life. So is loving" It rang true. "Let's concentrate on eating, then. For now." Then I asked, "Have you been hungry too?"
"Famished. I talked to my mom about it, and she expained about it being an urge to live. When Dad's father died, he had a heart attack unexpectedly, just like dad - they wept, and then they made love. And she showed me that this wasn't being disrespectful but a-- what did she call it? An affirmation of the goodness of life."
-Madeleine L'Engle, A Ring of Endless Light
Since the title of this post is "How much to say in a blogpost", the answer is clear to me right now on this topic. The quote says all of what I need to say right now.
Blogging is interesting. I am an honest person by definition but I notice that I am careful with how and what I write lest I offend someone close to me. And I can tell you that I have had one friend me why I felt a particular way about them when I met them. It wasn't a bad thing, just a timing thing. I am sensitive to others feelings and even when they may drive me crazy, I won't write what I am feeling at the time, because worse than saying things you don't mean, is writing them. It sits there in cyberspace eternally in print. Just like words spoken can sit on the soul forever.
So not writing what I want to write at this point is a little bit troublesome, but I will get it sorted at some point and write something appropriate thats deferential to others. I just can't break a confidentiality agreement that I sign for work on paper, or a verbal one that I make to myself or a friend. I will wait it out till I can put my feelings into appropriate words that only affect me and no one else.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
At an emotional impasse
My life is stranger than fiction.
No, no, no. It is. I am used to it, but I forget when people like yourselves pick up and read this blog, how unreal some of the things that happen to me must seem.
And yet they are all true.
I noticed this week that I am in an amazingly good mood and when the mood is this good, I don't write in my blog. Why is that? Wouldn't you think I would WANT to document happy occasions? I mean, happy for me - not just ordinary happy occasions like wedding and baby showers with 400 dollar strollers.
I have been working on this post since Valentines Day and keep setting aside. I love stories of how couples got together. I mean long term couples. I find in these stories the coincidences that could have caused the lives to go a different way. Like the couple who meets but they are both involved with others and they keep meeting one only one was single, until the universe deemed the timing right and they both meet and party or a friends home or whatever. This is an example of the kind of thing I am talking about. I have a friend, Maplemama, who met her husband at a wedding where she caught the bouquet and he caught the garter, but then didn't see each other again till much later. When they finally met, it was their time. The couple in my first example, they kept running into each other until the universe said "OK ENOUGH IT'S YOUR TIME NOW".
I love that.
I see these things happen and I like to dissect them and figure out where it went right AND where it went wrong. Especially for myself. I'm very trepidacious with myself though. I am usually the one who will deny myself that crazy raw emotional feeling that comes in the beginning. I will not even acknowledge it for fear that I will jeopardize the whole shebang. So when do you know it's your time? When Do I know it's my time? Is the nervousness gone? Is the shyness that suddenly disappears and the intense feeling of comfort a sign?
I just don't know.
Not yet, anyway. Too soon to tell.
So I continue to sit back and let the universe make it's decisions for me. I am not one who gives my heart that easily but when I do, it's the whole deal. I spent many years in love with the entirely WRONG person because I made the mistake of confusing sex and love. Not the first person to make that mistake, I realize and I chalk to my 20's and discovery of myself. The reality was I wasn't in love with that person and the more I see of him and his family now, the more confirmed that becomes for me. So with that experience behind me from my 20's, I now am a little bit more selective about who I allow myself to care for. It's really easy for me to care for someone and really hard for me to recover when it doesn't work is no longer an option.
But I have a neat little talent within myself. What I do, is I look at love in a multi layer type of cake. There is friendship love, there is familial love, there is romantic love, and then there is long term accepting love. Each layer can operate independently. They can operate in almost any version of combinations. They can operate as a whole.
So when one layer is no longer functioning or has been blasted into the universe, I review the other layers in that combination and decide are the remaining layers worth fighting to keep in my life and is it something that will work for both people? If I can step back after the healing has started and my soul says yes, I immediately re-group and start working at the new relationship.
My example is the guy from my 20's. He's happily married with children now. I adore his wife and we are all good friends. But the reality is, if that were me, we'd be divorced. So the universe was using him as a teaching tool for me. He taught me a lot of things about myself that I wouldn't know when I did and I don't regret a sinlge instance of that. The pain was worth the knowledge that I have about myself now.
Back to the layer analogy, the soul's ability to say "yes" to the a new layer combination minus the romantic love, is the tough part. I have to really let go, and let my inner soul do the talking and that has taken YEARS of practice. The tendency, when any kind of breakup or parting of the ways happens, is to keep that person around in any capacity in hopes of a reconciliation. I am the first one to say I am guilty of that. But that's not doing your human-ness a good turn at all. That doesn't teach you the lesson you needed to learn from the breakup of with that person. The breakup is a sign that this is either A. the wrong person for you or B. The right person for RIGHT NOW to teach you something specific so that C. When the right person arrives or returns to your life, you are in the right position to accept them.
When the soul finally comes to the decision that its ready to take on the new blended version of the relationship, it's going to be hard and take some work. You have to commit to it up front. And it requires communication, honesty and respect for the persn and the space that the two of you need. I find that if I put the work in and a few months down the road that person is mysteriously absent from my personal terain, than I wasn't that committed and I was holding that person to me for selfish reasons and hoping for the reconcilliation.
So I have an open ended question ahead of me. And I truthfully do not have a blessed clue about the answer yet.
But for the very first time ever in my life, I am not shy about it, I am not afraid of it and I have made my peace with whatever is the universe's decisions. There is no jealousy of others and there is no fear.
Only hope.
Because through hope, and through the universe's lovely methods, I have gained back the willingness to risk my heart when the time is right. I have gained the confidence that if I lose this round, there will be others and I will be fine.
Happy Easter!
No, no, no. It is. I am used to it, but I forget when people like yourselves pick up and read this blog, how unreal some of the things that happen to me must seem.
And yet they are all true.
I noticed this week that I am in an amazingly good mood and when the mood is this good, I don't write in my blog. Why is that? Wouldn't you think I would WANT to document happy occasions? I mean, happy for me - not just ordinary happy occasions like wedding and baby showers with 400 dollar strollers.
I have been working on this post since Valentines Day and keep setting aside. I love stories of how couples got together. I mean long term couples. I find in these stories the coincidences that could have caused the lives to go a different way. Like the couple who meets but they are both involved with others and they keep meeting one only one was single, until the universe deemed the timing right and they both meet and party or a friends home or whatever. This is an example of the kind of thing I am talking about. I have a friend, Maplemama, who met her husband at a wedding where she caught the bouquet and he caught the garter, but then didn't see each other again till much later. When they finally met, it was their time. The couple in my first example, they kept running into each other until the universe said "OK ENOUGH IT'S YOUR TIME NOW".
I love that.
I see these things happen and I like to dissect them and figure out where it went right AND where it went wrong. Especially for myself. I'm very trepidacious with myself though. I am usually the one who will deny myself that crazy raw emotional feeling that comes in the beginning. I will not even acknowledge it for fear that I will jeopardize the whole shebang. So when do you know it's your time? When Do I know it's my time? Is the nervousness gone? Is the shyness that suddenly disappears and the intense feeling of comfort a sign?
I just don't know.
Not yet, anyway. Too soon to tell.
So I continue to sit back and let the universe make it's decisions for me. I am not one who gives my heart that easily but when I do, it's the whole deal. I spent many years in love with the entirely WRONG person because I made the mistake of confusing sex and love. Not the first person to make that mistake, I realize and I chalk to my 20's and discovery of myself. The reality was I wasn't in love with that person and the more I see of him and his family now, the more confirmed that becomes for me. So with that experience behind me from my 20's, I now am a little bit more selective about who I allow myself to care for. It's really easy for me to care for someone and really hard for me to recover when it doesn't work is no longer an option.
But I have a neat little talent within myself. What I do, is I look at love in a multi layer type of cake. There is friendship love, there is familial love, there is romantic love, and then there is long term accepting love. Each layer can operate independently. They can operate in almost any version of combinations. They can operate as a whole.
So when one layer is no longer functioning or has been blasted into the universe, I review the other layers in that combination and decide are the remaining layers worth fighting to keep in my life and is it something that will work for both people? If I can step back after the healing has started and my soul says yes, I immediately re-group and start working at the new relationship.
My example is the guy from my 20's. He's happily married with children now. I adore his wife and we are all good friends. But the reality is, if that were me, we'd be divorced. So the universe was using him as a teaching tool for me. He taught me a lot of things about myself that I wouldn't know when I did and I don't regret a sinlge instance of that. The pain was worth the knowledge that I have about myself now.
Back to the layer analogy, the soul's ability to say "yes" to the a new layer combination minus the romantic love, is the tough part. I have to really let go, and let my inner soul do the talking and that has taken YEARS of practice. The tendency, when any kind of breakup or parting of the ways happens, is to keep that person around in any capacity in hopes of a reconciliation. I am the first one to say I am guilty of that. But that's not doing your human-ness a good turn at all. That doesn't teach you the lesson you needed to learn from the breakup of with that person. The breakup is a sign that this is either A. the wrong person for you or B. The right person for RIGHT NOW to teach you something specific so that C. When the right person arrives or returns to your life, you are in the right position to accept them.
When the soul finally comes to the decision that its ready to take on the new blended version of the relationship, it's going to be hard and take some work. You have to commit to it up front. And it requires communication, honesty and respect for the persn and the space that the two of you need. I find that if I put the work in and a few months down the road that person is mysteriously absent from my personal terain, than I wasn't that committed and I was holding that person to me for selfish reasons and hoping for the reconcilliation.
So I have an open ended question ahead of me. And I truthfully do not have a blessed clue about the answer yet.
But for the very first time ever in my life, I am not shy about it, I am not afraid of it and I have made my peace with whatever is the universe's decisions. There is no jealousy of others and there is no fear.
Only hope.
Because through hope, and through the universe's lovely methods, I have gained back the willingness to risk my heart when the time is right. I have gained the confidence that if I lose this round, there will be others and I will be fine.
Happy Easter!
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Sudden sadness
My dad published an arrangement of "He's Gone Away" many many years ago.
I have sung it half a dozen times in my adult life and I was priveledged to conduct a small select group of long time members to honor him at his final concert.
So, when our director decided to honor the deceased members of the Chorale at this next concert, it didn't really register that we would be singing this song.
So it was handed out on Sunday. We started singing it and I found myself crying. All the way through till the end.
I was really surprised because my dad's been gone nearly 4 years.
Now, I don't know how many people really caught on that I wass crying as I held the music up to hide my face from view.... not that I was embarassed, mind you. Frankly I think folks expected it to be honest.
But it was the 27th Anniversary of my dad and my step mom's engagement and it was only at that moment that I realized it and I couldn't show her my tears as I sit facing her. That wouldn't be fair to her. She has a tough enough time with it.
The song is short - it's a folk song really. The lyrics go like this:
He's gone away for to stay a little while.
But he's coming back, for he's gone 10 thousand miles.
And who will tie your shoes?
And who will brush your hair?
And who will kiss your ruby lips?
When he is gone, gone away?
Over yondro.
I can hear Bernie now saying "What is a Yondro???" Bernie - I don't know. Let me know if you do or we can add it to the dictionary near nogoodnick.
It's a beautiful song and a lush arrangement.
It kept me weepy for a few days. I couldn't really get the song out of my mind and at the same time when I noticed it was on my mind, the tears would come. What I fail to understand is why this happens almost 4 years later. seriously, I still expect him to call and ask me how my boys ( cats) are. ask me how work is, tell me his latest joke. It's weird.
When he retired from directing the chorale, we got him a plaque.
It says "He's Gone Away"
I have sung it half a dozen times in my adult life and I was priveledged to conduct a small select group of long time members to honor him at his final concert.
So, when our director decided to honor the deceased members of the Chorale at this next concert, it didn't really register that we would be singing this song.
So it was handed out on Sunday. We started singing it and I found myself crying. All the way through till the end.
I was really surprised because my dad's been gone nearly 4 years.
Now, I don't know how many people really caught on that I wass crying as I held the music up to hide my face from view.... not that I was embarassed, mind you. Frankly I think folks expected it to be honest.
But it was the 27th Anniversary of my dad and my step mom's engagement and it was only at that moment that I realized it and I couldn't show her my tears as I sit facing her. That wouldn't be fair to her. She has a tough enough time with it.
The song is short - it's a folk song really. The lyrics go like this:
He's gone away for to stay a little while.
But he's coming back, for he's gone 10 thousand miles.
And who will tie your shoes?
And who will brush your hair?
And who will kiss your ruby lips?
When he is gone, gone away?
Over yondro.
I can hear Bernie now saying "What is a Yondro???" Bernie - I don't know. Let me know if you do or we can add it to the dictionary near nogoodnick.
It's a beautiful song and a lush arrangement.
It kept me weepy for a few days. I couldn't really get the song out of my mind and at the same time when I noticed it was on my mind, the tears would come. What I fail to understand is why this happens almost 4 years later. seriously, I still expect him to call and ask me how my boys ( cats) are. ask me how work is, tell me his latest joke. It's weird.
When he retired from directing the chorale, we got him a plaque.
It says "He's Gone Away"
Monday, April 02, 2007
Palm Sunday
Palm Sunday was yesterday.
I dressed appropriately for Church and went to Dunkin Donuts to get my coffee ( That's my special treat on Sat and Sun -I don't MAKE my own coffee - I buy at there. ) before my rehearsal with the Choir.
I get there and the Choir Director/organist is in the Chapel with some members of the choir. We reviewed a piece that I am playing the flute on for Maundy Thursday ( I was actually a Flute major in under grad! ). Our priest came in and sang his part, the choir did their part ( I sing most verses with them) and then I played the intro and closer to the tune. Boom. we were done.
Church begins in the parish hall. We do the blessing of the palms. We read the blessing of the palms and coordinating lessons and Gospel. Then we recreate the ride into Jerusalem by processing out of the church,palms in hand, and walk around the building to the sanctuary ( yes - outside), singing Ride on Ride on in Majesty a capella. I get to the lead the troops here, because I have perfect pitch so I can get them in on the right notes so we match up with the Organ in the Sanctuary when we get there.
Once Inside, we start our service as we normally would on a random sunday. We process down the center aisle to the alter, split off and and walk around the side aisles, out the door and up to the choir loft.
We continue through the service. We sing our anthem, Lift up your heads, oh ye gates. ( No not the one from Messiah), and wrap things up.
I head over to my students house, where I proceed to give her a double lesson. 10 years old and she has an hour an half lesson. She is in Once Upon This Island and learned her songs wrong. So we had to go back to the drawing board. She cantored that day and didn't look at the music she was assigned on Wed until Sunday morning. I nailed her on that, because it sounded like she was seeing it for the first time. Her sightreading for NYSSMA however was astly improved, so that was a plus. I probably spent a good 30 mnutes out of that hour and half lecturing her - and I HATE that I had to do it at all. Not a solid 30 mins - 30 mnutes spread out over the entire time.
Lesson was overall good though. She was very focused and she is stopping the baby talk and using her words to speak to me without being reminded 20 times.
My brother called and invited me to his in-laws for Easter Sunday - so that wil be fun.
I went home and watched TV, literally, the rest of the day until my rehearsal. I needed to decompress and for those of you who know me, I can't ordinarily sit still that long. But I did and I'm not sorry. I had a lot of plans for that day, but nothing that couldn't wait. I caught up with some friends, read some blogs, but largely just sat.
I was bored witless. I couldn't even identify the feeling because I haven't been bored since the third grade. I discovered that I ate all day long yesterday due to boredom. the good news is, Noticing that I was bored and that I was eating to compensate, I was also eating good and healthy things like fruit and vegetables. I wasn't eating crap or heavy foods. I had yogurt which Wolfi felt should be partially his. Overall, my snacking was reasonable. I just have to address the behaviour. I felt good about that and the fact that each item I ate, got written in my food journal.
At rehearsal that night, I spoke to the other "normal" soloist about the directors mid week calls. I wanted to know if I was the only one that recieved them, and thankfully, no I wasn't. She had the president of the group shut them down, so I will be doing the same thing. The problem for me, is that the director is also my voice coach. It will work out.
I took a hot bath and rested last night. I fell asleep fairly quickly and slept through the night with no aid. It was wonderfully refreshing.
It wasn't the Palm Sunday I planned on, but it wasn't a bad substitute.
I dressed appropriately for Church and went to Dunkin Donuts to get my coffee ( That's my special treat on Sat and Sun -I don't MAKE my own coffee - I buy at there. ) before my rehearsal with the Choir.
I get there and the Choir Director/organist is in the Chapel with some members of the choir. We reviewed a piece that I am playing the flute on for Maundy Thursday ( I was actually a Flute major in under grad! ). Our priest came in and sang his part, the choir did their part ( I sing most verses with them) and then I played the intro and closer to the tune. Boom. we were done.
Church begins in the parish hall. We do the blessing of the palms. We read the blessing of the palms and coordinating lessons and Gospel. Then we recreate the ride into Jerusalem by processing out of the church,palms in hand, and walk around the building to the sanctuary ( yes - outside), singing Ride on Ride on in Majesty a capella. I get to the lead the troops here, because I have perfect pitch so I can get them in on the right notes so we match up with the Organ in the Sanctuary when we get there.
Once Inside, we start our service as we normally would on a random sunday. We process down the center aisle to the alter, split off and and walk around the side aisles, out the door and up to the choir loft.
We continue through the service. We sing our anthem, Lift up your heads, oh ye gates. ( No not the one from Messiah), and wrap things up.
I head over to my students house, where I proceed to give her a double lesson. 10 years old and she has an hour an half lesson. She is in Once Upon This Island and learned her songs wrong. So we had to go back to the drawing board. She cantored that day and didn't look at the music she was assigned on Wed until Sunday morning. I nailed her on that, because it sounded like she was seeing it for the first time. Her sightreading for NYSSMA however was astly improved, so that was a plus. I probably spent a good 30 mnutes out of that hour and half lecturing her - and I HATE that I had to do it at all. Not a solid 30 mins - 30 mnutes spread out over the entire time.
Lesson was overall good though. She was very focused and she is stopping the baby talk and using her words to speak to me without being reminded 20 times.
My brother called and invited me to his in-laws for Easter Sunday - so that wil be fun.
I went home and watched TV, literally, the rest of the day until my rehearsal. I needed to decompress and for those of you who know me, I can't ordinarily sit still that long. But I did and I'm not sorry. I had a lot of plans for that day, but nothing that couldn't wait. I caught up with some friends, read some blogs, but largely just sat.
I was bored witless. I couldn't even identify the feeling because I haven't been bored since the third grade. I discovered that I ate all day long yesterday due to boredom. the good news is, Noticing that I was bored and that I was eating to compensate, I was also eating good and healthy things like fruit and vegetables. I wasn't eating crap or heavy foods. I had yogurt which Wolfi felt should be partially his. Overall, my snacking was reasonable. I just have to address the behaviour. I felt good about that and the fact that each item I ate, got written in my food journal.
At rehearsal that night, I spoke to the other "normal" soloist about the directors mid week calls. I wanted to know if I was the only one that recieved them, and thankfully, no I wasn't. She had the president of the group shut them down, so I will be doing the same thing. The problem for me, is that the director is also my voice coach. It will work out.
I took a hot bath and rested last night. I fell asleep fairly quickly and slept through the night with no aid. It was wonderfully refreshing.
It wasn't the Palm Sunday I planned on, but it wasn't a bad substitute.