D-Day

I had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine this afternoon.

She's been away for a few weeks.

She called me today to discuss some plans that we have been making on going.

We segued onto what's been going on in my life and I swore her to secrecy and blurted the whole thing out. Well the highlights - the important ones at any rate.

She understands more than some because she is close to this situation as well. She helps feed my best friend's brother. She is providing relief for him so he can be with me.

She wasn't in the least bit surprised or angry or anything. She is wonderful that way. We talked about my taking care of the caretaker and her assisting the care of the ill. She told me something interesting.

She told me that even in the best of relationships, work needs to happen on both sides. And from what she can see and what she can tell, he's not emotionally ready to do it and likely won't be till the situation with his brother settles down.

Additionally I commented to her that women in general have a hard time putting themselves first. I did it for years. Successfully. When I put my best friend first in a time that he needed it, it was done by choice. I am not complaining about it, whining about it or anything. I truly understand my decision and am perfectly fine with it.

What I need to do in addition to putting him first, is take my self care up another level. Oh don't get me wrong, I am trying to do things that make me happy but my heart has gone out of the music to a degree. But I am taking my baths and reading my books and decompressing out by the pool every day that i can. I need to schedule a massage and a brazilian wax. I am taking care of my skin and I noticed today the horror of all horrors.

Grey hairs at the hairline.

I tweezed them all out. But this is premature in my opinion. I always have one or two - but I tweezed somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 around my face.

Not good.

My brain gets distracted very easily too. I'm better than I was 2 weeks ago, but I was on a conf call this morning getting screamed at and cursed at by a customer - violently so. It wasn't me personally - but my project team. In the midle of the ranting and raving, my mind went to the next county where my best friend was staying with his brother. And all of sudden the dull ache of missing him hit me in the pit of my stomach. It was ridiculous. I just spoke to the man the night before for heavens sake. But, there it was. The hole in my heart just aching.

But I shoved it aside and dove back into the call with both feet and even managed to throw out a defense to my team that honored the customer who was screaming and gave him credit for the task. That shut him down for a few minutes.

The day turned around as far as the job was concerned. I work my ass off every day. I don't blink about it, or even bitch about it. It's what I get paid for. But don't come looking for me after 5. That's MY time and I need to decompress in order to be where I need to be emotionally and mentally for my best friend when he needs me. It's recognized - don't misunderstand. He knows what I do for him. And he knows what I give up of myself to do it. It's not always talked about, but it is discussed often enough. He makes sure that I know how much he loves and appreciates me.

But I continue to feel like I am in a period of flux. Largely because after today, I simply have no idea what is going to happen. Or when. And not being a big fan of change, unless it's good, this has me uneasy.

At some point I'll know. I'm not actually stressing about not knowing, but it does have me concerned.