the stupid fear

The power of suggestion is a powerful thing.

What has me kicking my own ass, is that I am the one who suggested this particular thing to myself and to my blogging community.

Now I ask myself, was that smart, was it shrewd or was it stupid?

I mentioned in my last post that I have some fears that are all mine but are largely stupid.

Stupid as they are - one haunts me.

I pray every night. I mean every night. I have a wide array of things that are included in that, and I have explained how I do this in detail already.

I am a little bit disappointed in myself. First off, I am not a fearful person.Generally speaking of course. It bothers me that I am afraid. Forget why, though I will explain in a moment, I am just disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel this fear.

So when I am asked in those quizzes what I am most afraid of, my answer is:

When my best friend is finally out of his health care situation with his brother, our relationship will not just change but degrade. I am afraid I won't be important anymore. And worse, when his brother dies, it will degrade further.

Do you have any idea how absurd it is for me to read this ? I read this post and realize that while the possibility definitely exists for this fear to be realized, it probably won't. I say probably because we ar eboth human after all, but it's not likely.

Another friend today made a brilliant comment. Being the caretaker sucks the life out of you. It really does particularly when it is something that goes on for years. I did a part time gig for 7 years, she is still embroiled in one after 4 years and he is going on year 7. So we know from whence we speak.

The fact is I am taking care of the care taker. That is a job unto itself. A big one. And I am noticing the frequency has picked up. It used to be once every 2-3 weeks, moved to once every 1-2, then once per week and now we are at 2-3 times per week. Seriously, I have to say this, but in a way I have become an enabler. I allow him to drink himself to sleep when he chooses to. I allow him to pretty much have the run of the house when he's here. He needs a safe haven and he needs to be in a place where the only thing he needs to worry about is what movie are we going to see.

None the less, I won't enable forever. I am also fearful of our future. I hate to not know what's going to happen. And I want something more permanent that he's in no position to think about.

So it's stupid, but real.

And I just pulled out my hip by kicking my own ass for suggesting it.

Duh - mental head slap!