The Plan: Month 2 check in

Here I am for month 2 of the borrowed plan:

Scenario 1 - Health

• Exercise - I have made the commitment to walk 5 days a week. I am probably actually doing this 2 times a week on the average. 30-45 minutes. It's more consistent then last month but not entirely where I want to be.
• Food - Here I am doing 100% better. I am journaling my food daily. I am eating more fruit and re-discovered banana's. I am very happy with my overall food choices. I need work still in restaurants. I want to start including more veggies.
• Journal - going really well. More days than not. I have 5 days down consistently and the weekends get shot to hell. So my goal is every single bite gets marked down.
• Overall Health Management - My skin looks amazing. I am even back to wearing makeup. I had my eyelashes permed and tinted. I have the humidifer going daily 24 hours. I started an internal cleanse and that is going really well. I am resting when my body says to rest. It's a lot lately but that's OK. When I don't need it, I won't take it. My water and fluid intake is excellent. I am taking baths in baking soda, dead seal salt, ,baby oil with aloe and vitamin E and a touch of Blue Food coloring to make me feel like I am in a Spa every night. It's really relaxing. I have started doing Yoga again - though I just literally started so the benefits aren't quite there yet.

Scenario 2 - Job/Career

• I have started managing my boss better. Boss no longer manages me, I manage Boss. Things are different now that I ( and my team) know that Boss is not competent either as a manager or as an employee. That's fact not opinion.
• I am starting to keep the communication lines open more for the 5 other people on my team. I have one new person and one person who has trouble managing workload. Given that one my major responsibilities is to load balance the workload of the team, I took back this task from my manager. Boss doesn't know enough at this point to do that job and isn't interested in learning.
• We as a team have started giving boss busy work to do so we can get our work done.
• I am just doing the best job I know how and taking the lead away from boss as often as possible while making sure that anything that has to have boss's name attached to it as actually done by Boss.
• I decided that I will not be doing Boss's job anymore unless it is to back him up in his absence. If my projects are dependent on Boss doing some task, then boss has to ante up and get that task done. Either Boss gets the job done or Boss has to answer to Herr Direktor.
• I'm taking my lunch when I am supposed to. I am taking random 15-20 minute breaks to get my brain focused. I am shutting down at 5 and I no longer work weekend, after hours or holidays unless I am on call.

Scenario 3 - My home

It's clean and neat and that's all I can ask right now. This month I have things to start doing in terms of organization and interior design.

Scenario 4 - finances

• Paid off one credit card. Have less than 100 left on the other
• Last payment on 401K loan is pending the end of this month
• Started making the payments to the IRS on my tax adjustments from a prior tax year
• Continuing to add money to my investment portfolio
• My bank ( Bank of NY) was bought out by Chase so I am now interviewing new banks to see if moving my money makes sense. I hate JPMC. And I'm doubly pissed that they bought out my bank that I have been with since I am 10.
• Working through my debt and bring that number smaller and smaller. It's so manageable right now that I am thrilled.

Scenario 5 - Education

• Getting my kids ready for Solo festivals in this state.
• I am taking the courses required to become certified to adjudicate in these festivals for next year.
• Still studyding voice and doing well. My next performance is 3/18.

Scenario 6 - Family & Friends

• My mom threw a wonderful reception after my recital. It was excellent.
• My brother chose to go to the baptism. It's not OK. I'm over it now.
• Communication is still going well with the family. My sister is having a baby shower, and though I was late in RSVP'ing, I still did.
• I am putting a lot of effort into my relationships with my friends. I had lunch with a bunch of them on Saturday morning. That was just lovely. I have 3 people that I met in the past 2 years that we are still getting to know one another. I am, as always, grateful to my college buds, who are there for me no matter what. If I do something stupid, the worst thing I ever heard from them was "We tried to tell you..." I love them for it. We cultivate each other through Blogging now. I love that, but I miss them.

Scenario 7 - Self esteem

• I had hit a really really low low low low low point. If you can even believe how it revolved around Chinese food. The delivery boys at the local restaurant miss me. I no longer do takeout. Or anything else there. I can't stomach it any more. I overate and hit rock bottom. Once you are there - there's nowhere else to go but up.
• I am taking some life lessons from the young ones that I am friends with. Yes they are in their early twenties., but I think that's a bonus actually. The things I take away from the two of them is that they are very self assured in the capabilities and when they are not they are not afraid to get the assistance or do the work needed to improve. This impresses me about both of them and I have started believing in my own abilities and seeking assistance where needed. It was the belief system that was flawed here, not my ability. Identification in such a specific form was helpful
• I am working really hard to play back new inproved soundtracks in my head. A new one that I like these days is "You are only human. There isn't anything that has happened that can't be corrected" and the other one I like is " You can't please all the people all the time". Trite? maybe - but they are helping a lot. slowly but surely
• I am making more of an effort when I walk out of the house. Now I don't mean my appearance so much ( I always look fabulous! wink wink) but how I carry myself and my attitude.
• I am doing my life Makeovers. This is a great help for putting my life in order.

NEW Scenario - Faith

• Effort being made to make it to church every week for 10:15 service. It's tough as I need to start at 8AM so this is a long haul of a day for me. But it's my favorite service, its the family service with the most ( and best) music.
• I am taking more time to reflect during this lenton season. I chose to make the effort to exercise 5 days 30 minutes rather than give something up.

There it is - month 2. I think I have made a lot of progress in some areas and I know there is work to be done in others. I need to develop some behaviours and then get them into practice so that they are second nature before taking on smaller things. I have made mini goals and these monthly check points are just that check points so you can see how the plan is coming along.

As usual my credit line goes to Post - Doc for "the plan" and the inspiration to adopt it!

My Neighbors

Who are people in your neighborhood? Asks Mr Rogers

A classic song and we all remember him tossing one shoe from one hand to the other.

I have excellent neighbors for the most part. I have made pretty good friends with the woman who has the mirror image unit from me. she works in the library here in town.

We can't even be on the phone for less than 30 minutes and she literally lives 1 minute away.

But she and I keep each other aware of things in our building that may compromise the investment.

For example, we live next door to a former mansion turned rooming house. A little old greek guy runs it. He's like a little drill sergeant. I've spoken with him on any number of occasions and he's very nice and very respectful. I haven't ever seen anything amiss at his rooming house. But he's a tough cookie.

We recently voted to install a fence between his home and our outside parking lot. It's taken quite literally 6 months to get the permits and zoning to do this.

So yesterday I pull into the lot, there is a huge sign tacked to the tree that says:

"Mr.Fence Please stay out"

I literally laughed out loud. Then I pulled out my cell phone and called Reg on the phone an told her what's going on - she looked out her window and burst out laughing - even from up on our floor, you can read that sign large as life.

That was Saturday morning.

So Last night I came home at 11PM from my normal Sunday NIght rehearsal to find my lot full. Overfull in fact.

This is a problem.

I pay to park in that lot. It's money that is part of my maintenance costs. It's not cheap. So when I pull in there at 11PM, I should have a spot waiting for me correct?

Well there are several issues here. One, I have requested that we number the spots and assign one, got voted down. Then we decided to make sure that those people who have garage space aren't parking in the lot too. Then we towed "inactive" cars out of the lot. so we have done a lot of work to free up as many spaces for use by residents.

We were all issued Parking permits to be displayed form the rear view mirror. A towing company will come through and check at night and silently tow away the violators.

They haven't been around in awhile.

10 people were parked in the lot that did not have parking permits last night! I "created" a spot near the dumpsters and went upstairs. This morning I called the Management Company and included both the sign and parking situation.

We are working very hard in this building to make this a safe and lovely place to live. We have just finished the re-furbishing of our pool and lobby. It looks stunning now. They have updated the directories and lighting fixtures. Updated the surveillance systems.

I still maintain that if we really want to mae this a fair and pleasant place to live, we need to make the parking situation better. Right now we have narrow spots - I mean narrow. People are not careful and it starts to look and feel a lot like bumper cars out there.

If we numbered and assigned the spots - 1 per unit - that would require us to have 88 spots in the lot. We have 70 at this time. Indoor garages hold another 40 slots. That means for 88 apartments, everyone can have one slot. If there is a second vehicle it should be on a first come first serve and it should cost. Our indoor garage is 30 per month and you get an assigned spot. We have a rule that says if if you have indoor space you have to forfeit your outdoor space.

So what is the problem? these people who are using the lot and are not registered occupants of the building. I saw one woman walk in from the outdoor lot with her boyfriend last night and she pays for an indoor spot. In looking at his car? No permit.

The next owners meeting is in May and I already have a list. So does Reg -- her's includes hoarding, keeping the hourly rental shopping carts in the garage overnight and just how DID they multiply from 2 to 4 overnight? Renters, sublet's etc.

I just want to protect my investment. I also think I want make sure that this is happy and safe place to live.

Men that cook and men that eat

today was one of those bad forays into the dark dark world of eating.

Not a lot I could do to control it to the degree that I should, so I just did the best that I could.

I had my lesson this morning, which went well. I had to laugh because I deliberately set up my digital recorder to record my lesson so that there would be no question about the diction on my German songs. we didn't do them this week. Sounded like a great plan though.

From there I went to a diner in town to meet my friends. Those of you paying attentiong to The Contessa's Life Makovers will note that on my absolute yes list for this week was to nurture and take care of the relationships with my friends, so this was an awesome step in that direction.

While we were there catching up - seven of us on a bustling busy Saturday in town, we made our plans for two different get togethers. I will be hosting a Murder Mystery dinner at my home and Chris will be hosting a 70's theme party. We set dates and guest lists and set about catching up and sharing / caring ( code for good gossip not harmful). Lots of fun and good times and I miss that with these guys. Out of 7 of us 5 of us live within a few blocks radious and yet we rarely get together.

The guys ate like birds. I never saw anything like it. Egg white omelettes, ,salads. The woman ate burgers. fries. onion rings.

when did the balance of power shift?

Later that night I get my act together and go to a Kiwanis function called "Men that Cook". We basically find 10-15 men who cook an entree and bring it in to serve. We like men in the community who are doing something civic minded. We had the school superintendent and some local pols and the new bank manager, fire chiefs. policemen, that kinds of thing.

The food they cooked is not suitable for any diet anywhere. So now take the ziti's, lasagnas, chilis, baked mac and cheese and mutilply iy 15 and hope for the best.

NOT HAPPENING.

But it was worth it - we made a huge profit which is all going to scholarships.

My moral for the day is men may cook, but they aren't eating what they are cooking and they are capable losing weight way too fast.

It's just not fair.

Ah! Blissful sleep

I can't tell you how wonderful a good nights sleep really is.

I've recently discovered this given my hideous sleeping habits.

After a really good day of self care yesterday, in short, making my top priorities about me, I was suitably tired after a hot bath and went to bed at 11:45. I slept until 7AM and then dosed until 8:40. I got out of bed and had nice leisurely breakfast before I got on a conference call.

It gave me energy. I ate well again today. I even exercized again. With Weights.

They say that good skin and hair comes from quality sleep. Sleep and rest help the body recoup from illness and prevent future illnesses.

I finally got my head in the game. I am on the second full day and I am loving it.

Even the stupid stuff that I deal with each day with my boss, seemed trivial. In fact, I ignored him. He's traveling so I signed off the Instant Messenger software that he uses so he couldn't bother me. made my day more pleasant.

THe week too for that matter. I've been much happier and much more productive with him gone. I don't actually want to think that through too much.

I was so motivated that I did tackle my project for automation of status reports today. I put in some sample orders and trialed the reports. I am reasonably sure that we can do the double entry needed to prove out the system for less than one month. Which would cheer my team to no end. THis system is a serious lifestyle change for us. For as much as I am all for it, I feel that taking the control away is going to be a little bit scary. What WILL I do with my time? What if the database goes down and we lose access? So I"m still doing the legwork while we trial the system.

I even borrowed resources to help get the current data loaded in. So I had to make the executive decision to cut the system live immediately. I have been loathe to do it for the reasons above, but I was feeling brave today. So I made the executive decision and I will train my team on this starting Monday.

Having sorted that out, I decided, hell - I can start organizing my bookcases. So I started that. I did the one in the hallway today. I noticed that I get an OBSCENE amount of catalogs. I am more frightened by the fact that I actually read all of them. I tear out the pages I like and make sure that catalog name or website is on there and throw them away. But I have a tendancy to get behind on that.

I am excited because with my bonus I bought some new clothes, some yankee candles, more vitamins and today I bought ballet outfits for the twins. Cute little toddler leotards in ballerina pink with matching tights.... absolutely priceless. Twin 2 already had tap shoes so I picked up a pair for Twin 1. They are 4 so this is absolutely the cutest thing. I can't wait to see them in it! What fun!!! They are going to be sooo unbelievably cute!

I am really starting to feel empowered. This is fabulous.

On a sad note - Mowpee - Chris's cat - died this week. She will be terribly missed by her papa and her siblings. She was a very dear special cat. She was very bonded to her human.

RIP and a safe journey over the Rainbow Bridge my friend - Sir Richard and Brutus are waiting for you!

On this day

On this day, February 28th, I was 99% of my best sense of self.

My activities and behaviours reflected my self care.

I woke up, had my coffee and started my detox plan.

It didn't leave me feeling optimistic as I am already running low on all three elements.

So I went to ebay and bought another kit AND 2 bottles of the daily maintenance on this same program.

Continuing to feel righteous, I put on my sneakers, grabbed my IPOD and went for a 30 minute walk - OUTSIDE. My timing wasn't optimal as school had just gotten out an I had chosen a route that passed not one but two schools. It was fine, shin splints have a lot to say but by the time I got back to my house they seemed to be loosened up.

I had my lunch which was SO healthy and I liked it - what a bonus. I had a Veggie burger on rye bread with American Cheese. It was good. Then I had 2 almod cookies form the chinese restaurant. The scene of the crime last night. More on that later.

I took my shower, did my hair and makeup and bundled off to teach a kid. She did such a beautiful job on her song for the talent show it brought tears to my eyes. Her dad picked the song out and he's going to be so proud of her.

On the way home, I decided on what I was having for dinner and ate ONLY that.

Then I sat down with my Weight watchers journal and I manually hand wrote out the day. Including the activity.

The simple act of writing it all down made a world of difference for me. I normally use the computerized version of the tracker but honestly that thing has been pissing me off lately. It takes 5 minutes to load, it's slow on any task and, though it looks pretty, it's functionality bites.

So I reverted back to writing everything in my 3 month journal. I feel much better about the whole process now. I find when I am journaling things just fall into place.

So about the scene of the crime...

I broke down and had chinese last night. I ate more than I should have - a lot more. When you imagine how much that is - double it. It was a lot. Ok Maybe not double it - but it was a lot for me. I felt horrible afterwards, depressed, fat, tired, angry at myself. THe actual damage wasn't bad enough to warrant that kind of reaction. So I released it, decided that tomorrow I would do better, had a bath and a read and then I went to bed.

I won't be chinese for awhile I bet.

But more importantly it triggered me to do better today. And now I feel good for tomorrow.

One day at a time. ONe Meal at a time.

Beauty Shop

Around 2 weeks before Christmas I had made an appointment to have my hair touched up and cut.

One minor hitch. My Hairdresser is on disability.

She was taking one her world trips to Vietnam and Cambodia. She fell getting into the tub in her hotel the FIRST night and broke her leg. She had to have surgery in Ho Chi Min City ( or whatever it's called now) and she was sent home to the US within a week.

However she was unable to work because she was unable to stand. So from September until January she was out.

Now I know EVERYONE in this place. I have been going there for 10 years. My Hairdresser and the receptionist/manager I have known since the age of 12 and I attended HS with the Owner who also holds a chair. My stepdad gets his hairs cut there by the owner, I get my nails, toes, waxing, eyelash tinting and curling, facials and of course the requisite hair, done at this salon.

I am as well known to them as they are to me. I celebrate a birthday with one of the Shampoo girls and we always get a cake that says "Itch" because that means B"itch" without the B.

So we are all close.

Erin is new there. Comparatively. But Erin is related to Olga who is also a patron of this shop. She also was married to my stepdad's best friend who passed away about 5 years ago.

Erin has a stellar reputation. I have never seen anything that she has done come to badly. So she was my final consultation and she got the temp gig till Marianne comes back.

My hair is highlighted. She did a GORGEOUS job with it. I wanted a touch up but she did a Full head of foils. The price difference of 40 dollars vs 150. I couldn't complain - it was stunning.

Then she did the cut. It was the first time in my adult life that I did not have to haggle for length. Ever.

I kind of missed it.

Normally when Marianne knows I have an appointment, she stops by the nail station where I get my nails done and "inspects" my hair.

"6 inches." She announces Regally.
"1 inch" I counter
"5 Inches" clucking under her breath
"1 inch?" I beg
"4 final offer" She states
"We'll see when we get to the appointment" I say, buying more time to either make my piece with the 6 inches she's taking whether I like it or not or justification for why I can't have it that short.

This conversation will continue along this vein until the actual appointment.

I should mention that her version of an inch is different from the average persons. I agree to 6 inches, I might as well shave my head. Hence the repetitive conversation.

So, when Erin cut my hair without argument or complaint - it was a little bit unnerving at first.

I loved it though - my hair looked good. It didn't have that special flourish that Mar gives it, but she did a nice job.

And We all swore a solemn oath that Marianne was to NEVER hear of that day.

And she hasn't noticed either....yet

But I have another appointment next week....

African Violets have to eat too

I have these African Violets.

I love them, but plants and I have been a source of contention since birth.

You see I have the opposite of a green thumb - I kill plants.

Oh Unintentionally for sure.

So I have these violets and I have had them for about a year. They came in a lovely Chinese urn - Navy Blue clay with gold trim.

Wolfi broke that. He knocked the whole thing out of the window sill. Where he didn't belong.

And he knew it.

Came running into me to tell me what happened, and of course I wasn't surprised.

ORANGE CATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I go on ebay and find a pot that matches my china in that room and buy it. Once it gets here, I transplant the Violet with special soil provided by Mom into the new pot.

It has a matching stoneware drainage dish which is perfect.

So meanwhile, I learned from the last African Violet I got 2 years ago ( that died on the table) that one has to feed the plant, not just water it.

YOu can't water it too much - it doesn't really like that. It needs to eat but doesn't need that much.

Oh and Did you know that plant food is poisonous?

So, I should tell you that I know this because Wolfi ( again) decided that he was thirsty and hopped up there and took a couple of sips out of the drainage dish.

Thankfully I caught him before he had very much - maybe a sip tops. He may not have had any to be honest.

I flipped out. I called Animal Poison control - and they charge you for the call by the way. A lovely fee that they happily - and cheerfully, put on your MAstcard, Visa, American Expressor discover.

I paid THAT money for them to tell me to monitor him because though its poisonous, it was severly diluted in water, and had already passed through the plant. It was more likely that he was drinking dirty water with dirt than poisonous water.

So now I am on the watch. And of course tonight is the one night I am tired enough now to go to bed.

He's fine, I'm sure. My gutt says he's OK, and his behaviours say he's OK. He's eating, drinking, playing and he did try to hump his brother. All the normal things this cat does.

He had a treat, he cuddled while we watched TV and tried to steal my dinner. Truly nothing outlandish.

So in recounting this story to the neightbors, their answer was: Stop feeding the violets.

But they are blooming for the first time in months - African Violets have to eat too!

I just have to monitor the "children" better than that.

Self Discovery

So, Dharma an Greg was a great show. I love both of them as actors/actresses. It's played on F/X during the day sometimes.

The current episodes that have been aired feature Greg "following his bliss". He has quit his law practice and is following his bliss. He hasn't yet discovered it though. He is on the journey and Dharma is advising him to enjoy the journey as that is almost more important than the destination.

I don't tend to be introspective based on a "sit-com".

But I was thinking about the journey. I tend to not take the time to "smell the flowers". I am always about the destination.

I am doing my Life Makeover's plan by Cheryl Richardson and having a good time thus far. I'm playing catch up for the first few weeks as I started 6 weeks later than the book does. Once I get caught up, will be taking a week at a time for each exercize to make sure that I give myself that time to enkoy the journey.

Weight Watcher's, similarly, is all about the journey and less about the goal. Oh Don't get me wrong, the goal is important, but they stress more about learning about yourself and how to make peace with "the problems of the living" in order to be able to participate in the tasks that make the program successful. If your head isnt in the game there, you will get frustrated. Here is a case where keeping your eye on the ball can almost sabotage your efforts.

Not that you shouldn't keep your on A ball - just not that BIG one. Setting smaller goals is so realistic and easy that I have started adding that to my daily life for improving. For example, instead of just saying "I'm going to be organized" I have decided to say "I will organize my desk in a way that makes sense and honors my methods for doing business and maintaining my home" in that way I accomplish the one task, and I have a much better shot at maintaining it.

I did it with my kitchen cabinets and it was successful. After living here for a year, I kept re-arranging the cabinets and the locations of things like glasses and kitchen implements and canned goods etc. I finally figured out the best way that makes sense for me and I have had no trouble maintaining it.

Small goals baby. Such an easy concept and one that I rarely think of. Maybe I'm too arrogant and don't think I need to by human that way.

If that's the case - I just took myself down a peg or two!

IPOD Hell revisited

For those of you who will recall, I hated my IPOD.

So today I call the parent of one of my students because she has a lesson today, but the email I received last night quite clearly indicated that everyone had a stomach flu. And there was NO WAY I was going anywhere near that house if that were the case.

But no, that was not the case, thank goodness. But the mother has a favor to ask. Now I'm good friends with her, so it's not the imposition you would think. Her brand new IPOD broke. It just one day died. The IPOD store replaced it with a new one, but she was unable to get her Itunes downloaded.

So she asked me.

She is technically challenged.

So she asked me.

Has she not been reading my Blog?

I spend the better part of an hour after the lesson screwing around with it. I finally grab mine and plug it in to her cable. It recognizes mine. That's good. that rules out the USB port AND the cable.

But it doesn't seem to be good new for the IPOD itself.

Which is new. Did I mention that? Brand new. And a replacement.

So I write down the serial number and we call tech support.

Thankfully the answer is a quick reboot. That enabled me to transfer her playlist. Now things work fine.

I wrote the reboot command down. And told the tech support that they needed better documentation sent with the unit itself. 6 pictures and 12 words AIN'T gonna cut it.

It just makes me crazy when they tailor technology to a generation that applauds the inability to read and follow directions.

Is that smart? Is that shrewd? or is it just STUPID? ( I can't take credit for this one - Jamie Lee Curtis A Fish called Wanda).

It's Stupid. I have lately noticed that people in my generation fall into one of two categories. Those who raise their kids to be good, upstanding citizens (and I would have to tell you that most of the people I associate with fall into this category) and those who do everything for their kids but their kids grow up with an unbridled sense of entitlement. I teach kids who have fallen into this category every year but this year. By and large the kids I teach fall into the first category. The ones that don't drive me banana's.

As a society I am concerned when things like reading and doing chores to help out in the household are tossed aside. This episode with IPOD only enforced it for me.

The ten year old could figure it out, but me with a minor in Information Technology couldn't? I was an IT director for 10 years, I could program in 6 languages and take a PC apart and put it back together in 20 minutes without one pause. But the IPOD directions were overly simplistic. What does that say? That we are a society of idiots? Obviously not, if their overly simplistic instructions were so ambiguous that I still had to call tech support just to learn how to reboot the thing. Meanwhile that was a tip I had personally learned from Jax, but I didn't think to apply it here.

The point is, I can admit when something is beyond me, but don't oversimplify and expect that I am going to read your mind. That implies that I am stupid and I am not.

What bugs me more, the kids have no problem with the instructions. I think I am more frightened by that than not. I have students who are too lazy to read. They are raised with excellent value sets but I write the instructions for them to practice with in their assignment book and I find that in order to make sure they read it I have to test them on it the following week.

It's a scary world out there and due to the information being so readily available in so many mediums, it's small wonder that kids today don't have to work as hard as we did to get the same answers. But I think that loses something downstream for these kids when they become adults. The propensity for demanding adults who expect their jobs to be handed to them on a silver platter is huge. There is a large population of 20 somethings who already fall into this category. The ones that I am close to are wise beyond their years and have an awesome work ethic, but I can't say that is the large majority.

I am not expecting to be a parent and not sure I would be up to the challenge. I don't know if I am brave enough. But I sincerely hope that all the things I see and learn about from my friends with kids would prepare me somewhat for that job should it arise. I have some fantastic role models around me, Maple Mama, The Digital Father, Peet Fointed, to name a few and I urge you to check out their sites. They are all easy to read, but make you think. I enjoy all three and I am always looking forward to the new ideas that are brought forth, the challenges, the opinions all of it. I find a lot of my answers to the things I encounter during teaching from these folks.

So my hats off to my friends and readers who are parents. You guys and your spouses do a marvelous job and I am always amazed and enlightened at the challenges that come up and how you all handle them with intelligence and class. The world needs more parents like you!

And Apple needs to actually write NOT DRAW their manual.

Saturday - anything but average

I woke up this morning without having planned out my day the night before.

I should have put that on my weird things list. Every night right before I turn off the lights I mentally review the activities of the next day, what apparal/accessories/makeup and hair need to be set out and how I am going to orchestrate going from one actvity to the other, what time I have to leave one place to get to the other on time, that sort of thing.

Last night I didn't. Maybe for the first time in 10 + years.

And this morning I didn't wake up on time. That plays a part in the mental review the night before. I identify HOW MUCH time I need in the morning. You see I prefer to sleep so whenever I have the opportunity for more, I take it.

So, I was running late at 9:45 - had to leave at 10 and I wasn't done. I put makeup on, took it off because I remembered too late that I was having an eyebrow wax, eyelash tint and curl. I finally got out of the house at 10:10. It took me a few minutes wth the new dead bolt I had put on Friday afternoon as the key was tight. Finally got that, worried all day about it because I only have the one key and what if there is a fire and my cats are trapped because no one can get in? I really do worry about that. Not consumingly so.

I decided on jeans, shoe boots an a navy blue sweater dressed up with a velvet burnout scary. Put my hair back in a pony tail and headed to pick up coffee and got to my voice lesson.

I was 10 minutes late all said and done. Lesson went OK. I really hate doing anything Schubert with this guy. He sings along with me the entire time and then corrects my German. even when it is right. He says the word, I repeat is EXACTLY, he says no and says it again, I say - that's what I said and repeat it. so next week for sure - lessons will be taped. I can take criticism if I am wrong but I hate when people correct things that aren't wrong to start with. I have 4 new tunes so that's good.

I headed over to WW as I have a friend in my group I won't see for a couple of weeks and I wanted to see her. I am really trying with the other friend even though she continues to freeze me out and to be fair to her, I suspect she read my post on the blog and perhaps that has pushed the problem between us over the edge. Now I want to be perfectly clear here. I do not apologize for what I wrote and I stand by it. However, to refresh your memory:

"So no additional energy will be expended there. I will be nice and polite but that's it. Please don't misunderstand me, she's a fantastic person, bright, funny, driven, energetic. A person that I clearly wanted to be friends with. But alas it is not to be so. A conversation about it would be awkward only because we really aren't friends.... we are somewhere in that no-mans-land between being friends and acquaintances so what would one say? Why are you treating me like a third wheel? No - if we were closer I could bring that to her attention. It's easier to just let it go at this point."

At this point, I would like to be on speaking terms with her because I do spend time with she and WWfriend2. She now, literally, ignores my presence. Why do I still care?

I crave approval and validation and it pisses me off.

This is the reason I chose this quality to work on in my life makover project. I really have to get comfortable with people not liking me. You can't please everyone, and I really need to get that under control.

I had a similar instance at my parents house. NO need to go into it as except for those 2 minutes of time, and that's literally all it was, that day was lovely. I met my new niece who is stunning of course at 12 weeks old. Nice dinner, nice company.

And I had my nails done and my eye lashes tinted and curled. I played the ipod recordin of my recital for some of the folks in the salon who have known me for a hundred years and that was fun to see the shock on their faces.

I had an eating episode over this day - it wasn't terrible - it could have been SO MUCH worse, I ate 3 servings of Edy's Slow churned reduced fat ice cream. In place of dinner. I was planning to go to coldstone, so this is actually a decent substitution. I'm not pleased at the trigger to eat, but I am fully aware of what it is. I am not pleased at my initial behaviour, but am pleased that I made a better choice when faced with the urge to eat.

I am vowing to do better tomorrow. All I can do is try to be better.

10 Weird Things about Me

Interestingly enough I usually Blog first and read blogs second. Tonight I read first as I was struggling with a topic - and low and behold I got tagged by Post-Doc!

So - here are my 10 Weird Things about me

1. I have a passion to own personal products. Consequently I have more moisturizers. bronzers and makeup than any human should. And I use ALL of it.

2. I take my cats for walks in the hall. They think its "outside" and it usually gets rid of some exess energy for them

3. Speaking of the hall, I dance up and down my hall - when no one is looking! Usually a waltz step or cha cha.

4. Since I was child, I can quote lines EXACTLY from movies - even if I only saw the movie once.

5. I tend to watch one or two movies, TV shows or listen to songs repeatedly until I tire of them annd move on.

6. I secretly love Van Halen. And Whitney Houston. and now its not secret!

7. I think I was born in the wrong generation. I so long for a period of time that was long before I was born - the early days of Frank Sinatra, Lucille Ball - the glamour of Hollywood in its prime and the value set that permeated the country. I actually miss something I never experienced.

8. I have perfect pitch. Frankly it's a bother. Other than getting me straight 4.0's in college sight singing classes and making me a fabulous sight singer now, its a real headache - and NOT a bragging point either.

9. I love to play practical jokes and am very good at it.

10. When I get an adrenelyn rush for any reason, my hands go numb in a flash and then tingle. Not sure if that's a normal response but it's been like that my whole life. Maybe it was foreshadowing on the carpal tunnel I am developing now!

I guess I have to tag someone now. I really don' t know the protocol so if I am doing it wrong please correct me! We are going to tag Peet Fointed, Bernie's World, Maple Mama and Sierra Sedan.

There's no laughing in Project Management!!!!!

In the midst of what was proving out to be a frustrating day, Poodle hits me on Instant Messenger with the following comment:

"You know how it annoys you when Bossman chews gum like a cow in your ear? I can top it" types Poodle

"I am intrigued - How do you plan to do that?" I counter

" Well we were on the phone and I thought he was doing the dishes or running water or something. Then I got suspicious because it sounded like the water was being directed at porcelain. Then just as I was seriously beginning to suspect what he was really doing, my suspicians were confirmed: I heard the flush of the toilet." I read.

Now, at the time, I was on a conference call with our Network Ops center and a vietnamese provisioner with a language barrier. The two men are going round and round in circles while I had them on mute. I should have been stepping in and sending them to their repective corners when I saw this message flashing on my screen. I quickly muted the phone and burst out laughing. Not a chuckle, not a giggle, side splitting laughter.

This would only happen to Poodle.

Meanwhile my call is going down the toilet ( pardon the pun) so I un-mute and straighten everyone out and hustle then off the phone.

I call Poodle but get his voicemail. Now it occurs to me that this is GRADE A Fodder for a practical joke, so while I am awaiting his voice mail to complete, I head for the bathroom and flush the toilet into his voicemail.

Infantile? Hell yes. And I laughed ALL THE WAY BACK TO MY DESK. That wonderful side splitting laugh that leaves you breathless.

But this team DESPARATELY needed the entertainment value of that joke. I told JD and Gen that I did it but stayed away from Poodle. Ten minutes goes by and he calls me.

"I thought JD left the message" he says when he recovers from laughing

"That is just a sad testament to how bad things are here. When you stop looking at me for the practical jokes, something is VERY WRONG." I countered.

"I have one question..." I ask

"Did you hear running water after that to indicate whether he washed his hands or not?"

...

....

.....

......

.......

.........

shhhh - the answer was....

(no)

P.S. That was the MOST asked question from my team and outsiders.

treatment

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday.

I went to church, I had to sing.

Our Choir typically joins me for these services.

We have 4 new people in the Choir. Trish, has been in the choir one other time when her girls were real little. I was director of the Cherub choir back then, so I am familiar with her girls, Laurel and Ellie. Both are child stars and have a number of shows and commercials to their credits. Ironically, both are shy. Almost painfully so. Trish is a typical stage mother. Good lady. very outgoing personality, a wonderful heart, but a bit of a tigress where her girls are concerned.

So now I am singing with 2 teenage girls ( 13 years old) in my section. We also have one 12 year old and her mom in the Alto section. Now Laurel in my section, while shy, has a pretty little voice. Terry, her friend, not so much. Sweet girl, but not as much with the singing.

Their joining the choir was sort of a political thing. The mothers were upset that the 8 year old grandson of one person was singing with us when he wasn't in Sunday school. This to me seems harmless and he's a very talented young man.

I don't understand why this was such an issue. Why couldn't they just approach the choir director ( who is very approachable) and ask if the kids could join? But no..... these women had to go to the priest and complain about Sam and ask why their kids weren't allowed to join.

I don't understand people sometimes. If you want to join, ask. Don't issue a complaint about someone else as a reason for not being able to join. No one said no, because no one asked the question. then to bring this to the priest? Please these people are older than me by at least 10 years. Now they walk around preening as if they have fought that battle and won.

I joined this choir at 13 years old. My Uncle was the choir director, my father sang when he wasn't working his church job and my stepmom and aunts were in the choir. I was the youngest in the choir by 15 years. I don't begrudge these kids at all. I was on that same path at that same age. They can handle it. It's the mothers that I worry about.

So we all sang our song "Into the woods my master came" for Ash Wednesday. Very appropriate and a neat tune. The girls are still learning our process in the choir loft, when we sit and stand, when we go down for communion. That sort of thing.

We went down for Ashes and It occurred to me that this might not be the wisest thing to put on my skin.

But then I noticed when I got home, two interesting things. One, the ashes didn't do anything crazy to my skin, and two, the treatments are working.

What I like best about this new treatment is that, while it's stronger than I am accustomed to, I need to use less of it and less frequently and for a shorter duration. So I am getting less of the meds with a maximum benefit compared to the old treatments. I also have the unique phenomenon of no matter what phase I start treatment, my skin has to go to zero anyway in order to build it back up. Not so with this stuff. My hands and arms and feet are the only areas that are truly affected at this point and they are improving without dragging the rest of my body with it. So these are some really positive results. I have been on this treatment since Sunday and honestly - the difference is huge. I was sleeping better by Tuesday. Waking up on time by Wednesday and today I see a visible difference.

I long for a cure, but until then - this is working wonderfully.

Know the tests that you fail

I wrote this last night but found myself falling asleep at 11Pm for the first time in weeks so I capitalized on it and went to bed without finishing my post!

So here it is!


My eating today was wonderful.

Until 10PM.

I was on the phone with a neighbor tonight. We live in a building where she is the mirror image of my condo right across the courtyard. Her neighbors immediately below her keep the strangest hours and have the oddest behaviours.

When you live in a building like this, you have to have a modicum of tolerance. Tolerance for noise and lights and general movement. The key to living in this kind of environment is communication. One must communicate with ones neighbors.

My neighbors are wonderful. Will lives next door and we are good friends. When he has an issue he knocks on the door, we talk like people and solve it. It works very well for both of us.

Her neighbors below her complained to the building super when her boyfriend kicked his shoes off on the hardwood floor.

Now, they are just lucky that it wasn't me living above them. I have a temper when it comes to stupid stuff like that. They didn't come up and knock and discuss it or anything. THey just called the building super. By the way, the building takes a DIM view of this behaviour.

So she gets up, walks down the flight of stairs and knocks on the door. I have to say this is my favorite way of dealing with people like this. You call them out to their face. They are generally cowards to start with, so when you confront them, they kind of shrivel up and retreat.

NOw my neighbor is the nicest person on earth, so when she confronted them she learned of some unorthodox and interesting living arrangements. However, we don't understand them. It feels something like a rent scam a la "The night we never met" kind of thing. But not quite. I never see the same people twice but I do see the same behaviour pattern. The light pattern is odd. She was told, upon her visit, that the owners were moving and subletting, but gave no information on when that be taking place. The owners have children an grand children also living in the building.

So one day we decided to exchange phone numbers and keep each other apprised of the behaviours and such.

A little voyeuristic but I can only see if lights are on and I only look if I see something out of sorts. She really wants to find out what's going on so she can bring it to the next board meeting since it seems that something isn't right. Too many people in and out - that kind of thing.

The point is, during this conversation, I found myself mindlessly eating the Weight Watchers Brand cakes. I had enough points left in the day to acount for 3 but there were 3 left and - I ate 'em.

It's not the first time.

The test that I fail is - don't keep weight watchers desserts in the house, I can't control myself.

It could be worse.

Life Makeovers

I have started a new project.

I was going through my bookcases and found not one but two copies of a book I had purchased many years ago and started but never finished.

It was a wonderful book and I am sorry that I stopped it.

So I made the decision to start it again.

In the spirit of Blogging and to keep my thoughts straight, I began a new Blog called The Contessa's Life Makovers.

This Blog will specifically deal with the book and the weekly exercizes. There will be one post per week at first, on Tuesdays, on the exericise from the week prior and the plan on the week coming. At some point, I will add interim posts that will detail my progress towards the weeks end.

I would love it if any of you want to join me. The book is titled Life Makeovers and is written by Cheryl Richardson.

Burn out

I think I am heading for burn out.

Eiher that or I am still coming down off two years of work being over in a blip.

Or all of the above.

What I like most about the above statements is, at my age ( too young or too old depending on whose reading), I know myself to see the signs.

I am falling asleep the minute I relax. Regardless of where I am. 30 minutes here, an hour there.

And Yet Once I fall asleep, I am down for the night. But I can't seem to wake up in the morning.

This can possibly be related to my latest eczema outbreak as well or again so combo of the above. I am going through my extensive treatment of the eczema. Moisturizing like a lunatic, bathing less frequently than I like ( water is drying did you know that) - so for me that means one time a day and I space it out to be after I work out but before I go out in public. I moisturize when I wake up, before lunch, before dinner, after bathing and before bed. 3 times out of those I also put on special lotions, oils and sprays to treat the skin. I take an allergy pill breakast, dinner and before bed. I drink 96 ounces of water per day with 24 of them containing electrolytes.

I have added a new holistic twist to all of this. I also now add a teaspoon of Baking Soda to my coffee ( it adds NO taste and I would know! ) in the morning and a quarter cup to my bath at night. This accomplishes a number of things. The ingested version bulks up the immune system, adds a natural relief from any heartburn or acid reflux you may be suffering from and restores a PH balance to the body. The soaking in the bath ( along with Baby oil wiht aloe and vitamin E) offers a restoration of the PH balance of the skin which is thought to be a contributing factor to eczema.

For those of you non sufferers: Eczema is a dry skin skin disease caused by an immuno-deficiency in the body. It is often described as the itch that rashes. Itching will happen on perfectly normal skin. Or normal to the naked eye. It generally means a sub dermal layer is dry causing the itch to go upward to the surface.

Mine is not considered truly severe but on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being normal, 10 being severe, I am about a 6 or 7 today. Once it clears up - I go to about a 2 and stay there awhile.

Stress is a contributing factor on any level. So I need to get that under control.

Hence my Burn-out realization. My skin is suffering and my sleep is suffering. we are a just a few dark turns into the burn out phase so i need to get this under control.

the good news is now that I am aware of it, ad my life is returned to some semblance of a schedule, I can make that work.

Its not comunicable but people who see it and don't understand have a tendancy to be cruel.

I was in a remission from the time I was 7 until I turned 30 with minor outbreaks once a year during a season change. It came back with a vengeance when my whole life was turned topsy turvy back then. Needless to say I am trying to regain teh balance I had prior to that. I had been doing rather well this year. This outbreak appears to me to have been triggered by the mind bending cold and dryness we are suffering from and exacerbated by the stress.

So I need to fix it. and I have started reworking the regimen.

I need to get that beauty sleep I mentioned earlier too.....

Post Mortem's

I have made a decision. There will be a new movement to eradicate the use of the word Post-mortem for anything other than it's actual definition.


Post-Mortem as defined by Websters Dictionary -

1. Occurring after death 2. Appraisal following an event where negative actions occurred.

I am spear-heading the movement to stop using this word inappropriately. It should be used only in the instance of negative or truly questionable actions having taken place that need to be reviewed to prevent those actions from taking place again.

It does not, in any context, have good connotations. And those of you in the technology industry can verify that. In our industry,. when a circuit fails, or a server crashes - a post mortem is demanded and expected by the client to determine what actions took place from a corrective standpoint and what situations occurred to cause said outage in the first place.

If anything positive is included in these reports it is RARELY acknowledged as that is the wrong medium to include it. I, personally, include it for future references when emotions are riding so high and people can reflect and see that everything that was done, was done in the spirit and best interests of the client.

How does this translate to my personal situation? I had my "post-mortem" or as I am now calling it "my performance notes" this morning. I went to my coaches home and we discussed certain facts.

1. He doesn't like my stage presence or audience Acknowledgment. I don't agree completely but there are some points that I do agree with. I would rather be off book so I can communicate better with my audience while performing. He felt I should use a stand - that wouldn't work for me. I'm too short, it needs to be too high, my voice would be drowned out - you see the problem. He also feels that I don't allow the audience to appreciate me, I bow too soon. I'm not that cocky. We'll see if I can pull off something to meet him halfway at my performance in March.
2. He still feels that my German is weak. It is weak. I know that. He told me that " I was lucky Crystal wasn't there" . First of all, I have no idea who Crystal is. Secondly, unless my great-aunt herself told me my umlauts sucked, I'm not buying into it.
3. I felt that my high notes were running a little bit sharp in some places. That Hall is wonderful for not making me work too hard, but it does show pitch issues. I run high when I am nervous and I knew it that day. the recordings just gave me specific areas to work on.
4. I mentioned it before, but the program was too ambitious and he agrees with that. The next one will be less ambitious and will be set earlier so I can work the pieces towards memorization.
5. I felt that the tempo's were slow and that though I pushed them in places, he pulled them back. There cannot be a tempo or ego tug of war. If I push the tempo , he needs to trust ME too and go with it. There isn't a soprano on earth who can get through Der Holle Rache at the tempo he started it at. That was a train wreck waiting to happen.
6. I felt that, in general, I spent more time catering to his performance nerves than my own.
7. The creative control is back in my hands.
8. We do work well together, but a dress rehearsal in full has to happen the week of.
9. I will not be doing any songs that he loves. Shepherd on the Rock is his favorite and I paid dearly in criticism for it. No German pronunciation was going to be good enough for him. He acknowledged that. He is overly critical of that piece because it is his favorite.
10. Overall a success, he was proud, he felt my dad was proud and we are OK.

I told him that in the future, I would prefer him to not mention my performance notes existence even until the next day. I don't want to be worrying and second guessing myself.

I learned a lot about myself with this performance. My stamina ( I was pleasantly surprised ) was high, My voice is much fuller than it was a year ago. I want it to be even fuller, so I need to work on that. There is a breathiness that comes in and out at times - I need to consistently get it out. I need to practice my German as it does need work. I need to work on my pitch in my upper notes. I don't know how I could pop F's out and have them be sharp seriously. That's just crazy talk!

I have another performance in mid March - just one or two tunes. I am doing the only one that wasn't on this last performance. I am very excited to sing it too as it is one my favorites.

All in all - things are OK. But I am starting the revolution to make sure that the terms are used appropriately.

Review

I had my review today.

It took two and half hours.

Why ?

He likes to talk.

For those of you who know me.... he can OUT-TALK me.

Now THAT is saying something.

Before we got to my actual review, we talked about his trip, his undergrad work and his MBA work, my being a poor test taker, the credits towards my PMP that I have, his not wanting to be a snowbird in Florida ( he's 59), air travel pre-9/11.

Then we got to my review. Which was wonderful. Seriously. I got the max raise allowed. My director even threw some nice comments in since we are working together again.

Before I could throw it out there, he brought up the micro managing. He has some work to do on that and we, as a team, will try to deal with it. He's going to try the timed out updates so he's not riding us the entire time.

It's not optimal, but if it actually works out, it would be an improvement.

I don't have high hopes though.

We did this remotely. Me in my pajamas and coffee and him with his car back with freshly rotated tires.

Working remote is onoe of my favorite things. I love this. I haven't seen my office since the fall. I've been in other offices in the country more often than my own. I hate my office, but I do NOT want to commute - so this is the happy medium. My CMS is wonderful - forwards my phone anywhere I need to and announces the callers. I love this. I was able to spend my days home watching my kittens grow up.

I took another nap today. I was arely up 2 hours when I went down for the 2 hour nap. I was wondering why this is the third day this week this has happened. I think I have nailed down the answer.

I am not sleeping at night as well as I could. No that's not it, I am not Falling asleep easily - but once there I don't wake up. I think its the eczema. Given the temperatures and lack of humidty in the atmosphere, I am suffering a bit. enough that I am taking the oral meds exactly when I should be and the topical meds twice a day and moisturizing four times a day. It's slowly improving but sleep is not coming so easily to me. I am trying not to nap in the middle of the day as that makes it that much harder.

Tomorrow I see my coach. I will be bearing sad news too. A colleague of his and my dads passed away last night after a long fight with cancer. He was the orchestra director in the HS here until this past December. It was very sad.

I also had a neighbor pass today and I met her husband, whom I know better, in the elevator on his way to the funeral home to make arrangements. I had only met his wife once as she was always in the hospital or nursing home. I felt so sorry for him. He took such good care of her, but he felt this was for the best as she was suffering and in pain. Very sad news.

So given all of this, I am going to have my lesson tomorrow. It feels sort of anti-climactic. Not that I am anywhere near ready to stop. I have so much more to learn. I just feel like I have nothing to work towards. It was 2 years of my life prepping for that recital. I also have the issue of the situation with my coach. I am hoping that he will be mature enough to say "Hey we had a fight, we talked about it and we're moving on" as I have. I don't have high hopes though.

Stay tuned.

Life is queer.

a little stir crazy

I believe that, in bad weather, if you don' t have to go out -don't. Certainly not if it's 18 degrees out and icy conditions.

Such has been the weather here the past two days. So I didn't go out. At all.

I stayed in, nested, and basically just rested and relaxed. I worked, cleaned out my humidifier and changed the filters on all of them, cooked, napped and tended to my plants. I even managed to notice that my African Violets have started to bloom again for the first time since the forced re-potting a few months ago. Wolfi knocked down the original pot and broke out so....

But after 2 days of this, I needed to get out.

MISTAKE. I should have waited for Spring. I'm the ground hog and would happily have stayed in if I knew how frozen my car would be. I realized how bad it was ahead of time and found the de-icing spray that I have had for just such an emergency.

Thats some amazing stuff actually. The ice encasing my car was 1-2 inches thick in places, but this stuff cut rght through it. I even sprayed it on the tires and the ground around it to make the traction better.

I was so surprised how fast that i was able to de-ice the car with that. I need to always have that Prestone De-icer with the built in icec scraper on the end.

But I ventured out and taught some kids. Came home and had.... PIZZA yay!!!!

Not a bad way to end a stir crazy day....

Happy Valentines day!

Today was a wonderful day.

My favorite part of the entire day was the nap I took. I know I know, a nap????

But yes a nap. My Little chou chou, Wolfi, decided to join me and crawled under the flannel afghan and settled down on my lap for a delicious 30 minute nap. He had his paw on top of my hand and purred until we were both drowsy with contentment.

What a way to say I love you. Yes, it was a cat - but honestly, it's not Romantic love, but it is love and thats what the day is about.

So in the spirit of love, I Love all of you! My faithful readers and those who are new - I hope you come back - I love you. For some of you - I LOEV you.

I never thought that I would be a blogger. But it's been a largely joyful and educational experience. It's a great place to try ideas, borrow ideas ( please make sure you give credit when you do!) vent and just lay your thoughts and experiences out. I love comments - live for them sadly. I check my stats way too often and though I don't often change my layout, I have many drafts filed away that I am always tweaking. I hate HTML but it's coming easier.

I love all my friends and my family. I appreciate them all for the things they bring to my life to help me be the person I am and the person I am always striving to be. Even the traits and behaviours that I don't like help me be a better person.

So here's to you - Happy Valentines Day. It's a day about Love - not just romantic love - but any love and I had two boys vying for my affections today - Felines, yes - but love none-the-less.

Please feel free to check out my recital at The Contessa's Recital. I would love comments on that too!

Things are better now

Things are back to normal.

My housekeeper came today and cleaned my house - it's so nice now. My Christmas tree is down and my house is clean.

I found that I was down to my last check so I re-ordered. I bought pretty tropical ones from Colorfulimages.com.

I don't want to talk about the bad things that happened with my coach. He apologized. That's all I can ask for. I doubt he's changed but that's my challenge not his. My challenge in terms of can I tolerate and do I want to? For now, yes. But it did force me to look at the relationship and examine those things that I don't like. Voice Twin and I had a conversation today about that and we are both on the same page about it but we will probably act on it in different ways. Our voices may be similar but we are different people in many ways. good ways, and she's starting in a different place than I am. The thing that continues to come up for me, is that when you are an adult taking lessons from a peer, there's a fine line between friendship and teacher/student. There's more control on the student end of that relationship. I forgot that and I need to start remembering that. I am a teacher as well. I am not a newbie or anything like that. And that children, concludes our fairy tale.

So my house is clean, I went back to the insanity ( my day job) and now I am settling in to watch the snow.

I am reveling in the normal-ness of things and I am in a good place now. I have heard the files and I am very happy with the job that I did. I ate very healthy, normal quantities of food today. I am deciding what to do for dinner even as we speak and there is a hot bath and hot chocolate in my future. Tomorrow there are big plans for exercise and some critical listening to the recital for my own notes.

This weekend coming up I will be making some family sized meals to freeze - I am going to start doing 1-2 a week. One that I love and another that's new. Portion them out and freeze. then I won't be in such a hurry to stop for fast food on the way home.

My life is getting back to normal. I think I just need to keep remembering that I do have some level of control over the outcome of things like this. Being Recital-zilla isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I do better in my life when the status is quo.

Selfish or Self Centered?

Webster's Dictionary defines Self-Centered as Concerned Solely with one's own desires, needs or interests.

It defines Selfish as Concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure or well-being without regard for others.

Given the two definitions presented above it lends me to the question - Selfish or selfcentered?

As a "people", we tend to use selfish in a deragatory fashion. Self Centered however is reserved for less callous descriptions.

I am a single woman as most of you know. I tend towards the self centered because, other than my cats, most of my day to day decisions only affect me.

However. Having said that - there are times when I have difficulty because my tendancy is to NOT put myself first. It's caused me a great deal of issues in the past.

My recital is actually a wonderful example. That day was all about me. The people who participated were very careful and respectful of that. It actually made me laugh because I am without pretentions in this area. But the day was all about me and I was very nervous that I would disappoint others because of that.

My coach is a Selfish person. I do not understand it, other than the genious aspect, but he is. I don't hold it against him. Most of the time, I just work around it. When the commentary came back on my performance, every single self centered bone in my body RESONATED with anger.

And I showed it.

He called me today and I pretty much spelled it out in no uncertain terms that I felt that his commentary was inappropriate. I don't need a lot of help lowering my self esteem and that did nothing for it. I told him very pointedly that if he meant what he said as a postive thing, he would have said it that way.

The thing is, I know many selfish people and I know many self centered people. The selfish ones have a tendancy towards excuses and display an inability to take responsibility for their actions. I have friends like this, I have a coach like this. I make my peace with it because each in their way is important to me. I just have to know how to deal with them.

In the case of coach, I have no illusions about what I am dealing with. He said those things publicly to look like a bigshot. When called on it, he tried to play it off as a joke, as a miscommunication and then lastly as a new definition for the word. I let it go, but the next conversation we have I will have to remind him that I am not stupid and he's not going to convince me that I am wrong on this. But I have no intentions on fighting with him any more either. I know what he is and what I get out of the relationship is important to me. He is a spoilt child and there is no reasoning with him in these situations so it has to stop now.

You see, thanks to my bestest bud, Bernie, I have heard someo the audio recordings from my performance. I couldn't believe it was me. It was really quite good. No ego here, lord knows I should try to develop one. I was really surprised at how good I was sounding. The proof is on the tape. The post Mortem is unnecessary in it's current context. We can discuss little things. the words here and there that I blew. Being off book in the future. That kind of thing.

But now that I have heard the proof, I feel much better - even vindicated to some degree. I trust my family and my friends who attended. But that microbe of doubt in me was made into a skyscraper with that one comment. So I needed the proof that I am not crazy on this one.

I use these recordings as proof, I use them for the bragging rights that I retain but don't shove down others throats, and as a tool to learn from most importantly.

Bernie - I can't thank you enough for this. It serves as my learning tool, but most importantly, it served as my peace of mind.

Top of the world

Or at least I should be....

On the one hand, I am. I personally felt that for such an aggressive challenging program, I kicked some Serious Ass.

No performance is without its flaws. Mine tended towards two - I would have preferred to be off book ( memorized) and my words were literally failing me.

So each point:

1. My program wasn't set until 2 weeks before. I'm not THAT good at memorizing things and seriously I needed the crutch. But I was to conscious of it being there and I blew words on a tune that I know well enough to be off book and actually referred to it while I was singing. Not cool. Next time, if there is a next time and I'll cover that later, it will be set much further out than that to allow time for better memorization.

2. if I fail at something it's RARELY note or rhythm related. Its nearly always words. So most of my issues were word related down to a letter.

3. There are miscellaneous failings in coordination. These are the things that irk me the most. For starters, you don't give notes midway through a performance, ever, unless something like a train wreck with no recovery happens. I got notes. I got notes on stupid things that qualify in the area of Miscellaneous Failings in Coordination. Things like how I acknowledged the audience ( I used the three thank you method). He didn't like that, he advised me that "I had BETTER acknowledge my other performers correctly or they will be upset." during my intermission. Now in my opinion a lot of thins could have prevented this from happening and the subsequent commentary on how he doesn't' do postmortems but I could bet my sweet ass we were going to at my next lesson and I had better be there - no excuses.

Who the hell is he?

The man is a damn good coach. But come on. I'm not a freshman in college, I have performed hundreds of times before. He has worse performance nerves than I do. I didn't deal with 80% of the pre-performance stress that I normally do with him around because he did it all for me.

But in reality, I have more music degrees than he does. I have more paper proving it than he does. I always say that paper isn't the same as getting the job done, but it does help.

Why do I bring this up? Because now I am second and third guessing myself on my performance when I should have been reveling in it. He literally sucked the wind out of my sails with those two comments. He took the joy out of it for me by making the threat of "you wait until your father gets home" or "We'll have a "talk" about that later". The threat of a post mortem is just F'd up. First of all NOTHING DIED. NOTHING WENT HIDEOUSLY WRONG ENOUGH TO WARRANT A POST MORTEM.

The man unfortunately suffers two issues.

1. It's all about him. He was going to cut my favorite and best song because his pipe organ wasn't working. I said do it on piano an he said NO. Excuse me ? Whose freaking recital is it again?
2. He speaks first and thinks second. so words like "post mortem" which, in my industry, indicate that a circuit failed for more than 4 hours and the customer deserves an explanation, should never be used in a performance scenario. ever. I will NEVER do that to a kid. So help me GOD.

So I am second and third and now fourth guessing my performance. I am not as happy as I should be. I spent an hour on the way home from my mom's talking to Voice twin, who sang a duet with me, about it. She has done all the material that I did, so she was honest. She told me that I did a bang up job on an otherwise ambitious program and I didn't display vocal exhaustion or anything like that. My personal criticisms were the same ones that she noted so we were on the same page. I have other friends - musicians - that were there that I will want to speak with for honest notes. I also have a recording to listen to for that same purpose. I am after all my worst critic and even I didn't think I blew enough things to warrant a Post Mortem.

I don't think that TONIGHT should have me as down as it does. I don't thank my coach for that and when he is through with his post-mortem I will have one of my own to give. It's deliverance will be largely dependent on how his notes are delivered to me.

I'm not being vindictive - though that appears to be a nice bi-product. I will cut him slack because he had flown out and back to a Carolina perform and eulogize his first teacher. But regardless, he will hear the points about notes at intermission, threats at the end and organization or lack thereof.

He's immensely proud of me. I do know that. But dammit man - show it!

I got nothing but good comments from everyone who was there. I am trying like hell to keep those in the forefront of my mind until next week.

So on the one hand I am on top of the world and on the other - I'm pissed.

We did have a lovely party at my moms for a few of us and it was a lot of fun. I was thrilled to see my Bernie, two of my dear friends were there,Voice Twin and of course my parents. That was a blast my mom is the best hostess - we had a great time.

My mom being a musician and all, she told me that I brought tears to her eyes. I, of course, asked if she were in pain.... I was kidding. She was just floored. She couldn't believe that I was able to pull off such an ambitious program. To be honest, if I had been a little bit more assertive in the planning phase, the program would have been very different and lot less stressful. Live and learn. I told Voice Twin to learn from my mistakes. Do not be bullied into tunes you don't feel comfortable with . Do not give up creative control. Don't tolerate inappropriate behaviour, Don't tolerate excuses, and don't let the little boy-I'm-so-stupid act sway you. Sadly many traits that come with the genious territory.

Most of all, don't leave the details to him. He can coach you through the tune and all of its wonders and do a dynamite job at it. But if you don't cover things like Performance etiquette and all the things that go with it.... you get notes at intermission when you need to be focusing on other things. So really, the lesson learned is don't leave him the details. Don't leave anything to chance and don't assume that he remembers what he's been told or what he has heard.

I do so apologize for the rant. I am just very disappointed on how this worked out and how my teacher actually nearly ruined an amazing experience for me by simple lack of planning and thinking. I take some responsibility for the planning, but come on!

You'll get a much better view from me tomorrow or the next day when I've had time to calm down and review things better.

40 hours left - tick tock tick tock

I must confess I'm more excited about seeing my friends traveling down for this gig than I am about singing......

Well that's not entirely true. I am excited about singing this program. It's agressive I realize that. I'm a little bit afraid of it, I acknowledge that. But nervous? Not yet.

Not yet.

I am refusing to even consider the option until I am physically at the church on Sunday. Just not even giving myself up to the option.

My mental condition on this is actually quite good. The reality on my brother is, he hates classical music - and Opera???? YEEESH!!!!! The only classical music he really knows he learned frm cartoons. He'll tell you that. I'm disappointed in his decision based on our past together and now that things are better between us, I expected more. Maybe that's unreasonable - I don't know. There's some logic in my responses though. I just think that its rude to have one thin on the calendar and decide to do something else at the last second because you got a better offer. But that's me.

I'll be over that part shortly. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to take 24 hours to react, reflect and then shelve.

I had my last meal with dairy in it until Sunday Night. I took some mucinex and my allergy pllls, and had a hot bath. I have a formal event to attend Saturday night, but I won't be drinking and I will be leaving early. I am going to support the guest of honor as he is super person who supported my team and I through an entire year.

I do not have a lesson tomorrow which is OK - I have had 2 this week already. I have to arrange my music in my folder ( yes it's not ALL memorized - 14 tunes are you kidding me?). I need to steam my dress for both Saturday and Sunday. My dress for the recital is really pretty and I feel like a performer when I wear it. Basic Black - sheer sleeves to the wrist. I love it.

I am now at the point where I am looking forward to this gig. This is the only time in my life I have done an hour all by myself. I'm sure I will be unnerved later but right now other than excitement, I feel a sense of accomplishment. I also feel in my heart how proud my dad would be if he were here in person. But I already know he's with me in spirit. I find it funny that my dad passed away and suddenly I discovered my "real" voice. I wonder if he stuck my vocal lchords from heaven with his his own talent? That was his calling after all.... he was an amazing tenor. I just think it's ironic in the timing.

So with that I sign off to go to bed and I get to sleep in!!!!!!!

Now I'm just distracted

I am starting to hate my day gig.

I used to love it. A lot. Enough to keep me in it for 15 years.

Now the past 12 months have been an experiment in hell.

So I sat down to examine WHY.

It's my boss.

He's a wonderful, caring and compassionate person. He really is.

That's what pisses me off to be honest. If he was a cold-hearted bastard I would dhave a much easier time with the work behaviours my team has to deal with.

It certainly isn't personal. But he does believe that my entire team of 6 of the best and brightest and most talented in the entire company, are just stupid. It's become more and more obvious the longer he's responsible for us. He truly believes that we have no ability to think or know what the next step is, though we've proven it for YEARS. YEARS longer than he has been back to work after retiring.

We'll see what the outcome is, but it's distracted me so much this week that I am not focusing on the events at hand. So I am taking half a day today and all of tomorrow off so I can rest and be functional before sunday.

On the topic of Sunday. I'm a little disappointed, my brother and his wife have decided to go to my new nieces christening rather than my first recital. I'm a little upset about it because he's my actual brother and this is not something that I get to do all that often and it is the first and may well never happen again. That it was on the calendar for over three months is the least of it. His email said that they intended to come to my recital until they got the baby's invitation. I have to be honest here, that's as bad as waiting for somethin better to come along. And that hurt even though logically I realize the baby won't get another christening and I have the possibility of another recital in my lifetime. But that means that my mom and step mom will be there and all my siblings will be with the baby. That hurts a lot.

On the flip side I have so many great people traveling for me though - and that makes me seriously happy! I can't wait to see them!!!! So though I had to vent a little bit about my brother's choices, I do have people coming that love me and I don't get to see very often. So this does have some nice balance to it!!!!

Dreams

I had a dream about my dad last night.

Now there is only one other time that I dreamt about him in the past 4 years and that was a codeine based dream.

I do have to elaborate on the first codeine based dream for last nights to make sense. Codeine has the ability to cause you to have reality based horror like dreams. Mine, in short, was that my dad DIDN'T die and was, in fact, in a nursing home where they were taking what few organs still functioned, from him to give to others, while keeping him clinically alive.

This dream took place 4 years ago. Sadly I still recall it in great detail. There's more to it than what's above, but that's the gyst of it and all you need to know about.

Last night, I dreamt that he was alive again. Healthy though. I was being kept from him for reasons I still don't understand, but somehow I was finally able to see him. He was taller than i ever recall ( those who know me will say that EVERYONE is taller and they would be right) but hey it's my dream. All he did was smile at me and tell me he was fine. He didn't actually pat me on the head, but it felt like that.

All I could think of when I woke up was that he had hugged me close in my dream. It was comforting and unsettling all at once. It was like it really happened.

Some folks who believe in this stuff will tell you that it did because your mind in dreams is open to bridge the gap between the living and the dead. Maybe that's so - I don't know. This has not happened in my dreams before ever.

If it had been anyone else I would have felt like it was an invasion of my privacy. But it was my dad so I awoke, early, feeling refreshed and comforted. Really weird when I think about it.

It made me cry when I really reflected on it. I miss my dad. We did really have a good relationship until I was in my 20's. So, while I had him my whole life, we didn't bond well til I was an adult. So in a weird way I feel cheated now that he's gone.

I may end up removing the Pie Jesu from my program after all. We had that sung by the Diva at my dad's funeral. I also may leave it in - it was one of his favorites.

It's a tough call, but I feel better knowing that he's watching over me.

First Month of the Borrowed Plan

I am here to report on my first of the plan.

Situation 1: Health.

1. Exercize: intermittent 30 minutes of walking per day. Not constistent but trying.
2. Food: Eating better breakfasts. Need some work still on balancing the meal. I have started adding yogurt and yogurt smoothies. I like the Dannon Light and Fit smoothies and the Crave Control yogurt in strawberry or vanilla.
3. Journal: Journal went by the wayside for 2 weeks but I re-vamped and I am back.
4. Much better with allergies and managing it. I have been working on my eyes and my skn lately. It's going much better even in the single digit cold we are experiencing which is traditionally my worst times.

Situation 2: Job

1. I am managing my time just fine thank you very much. I am still at ther mercy of the workaholic that manages my team.
2. I am not worrying about everyone else as a rule and certainly not in terms of their performance. We have started truly supporting and leaning on each other in order to work around a certain micro managing individual.
3. I have determined that I don't have a choice but to bring management in whether I want to or not. Micro managers don't trust the people that work for them. They don't believe that other people can do the job equally as well or better.
4. I did finally determine after 2 VERY long days in cold Tampa FL that this person has very poor self esteem and is eager to please the people above him and his customer. but doesn't give much thought to the people that make it possible for that to happen. It does help to know this so we can, as a team, work around him. It hurts us knowing this because our patience, as a team, is gone. Time will tell.

Situation 3: My Home

1. Nothing beyond cleaning has happened to better my home at this point.

Situation 4: Finances

1. Special Savings is actually in the works but not completed yet.
2. 2 momr months on the 401K loans
3. Payment schedule in place on debt
4. Added investment money to money market account
   

Situation 5: Education

1. Voice Lessons are going well. Continuing to learn and work
2. I am managing the stage fright better because I am trusting my new found voice more
   

Situation 6: Family & Friends

1. Will schedule vet appointments after weather warms up. I am not bringing the cats out in sub-zero temps.
2. communications are going well. My mom is doing my reception after the recital which unfortunatley coincides with the baptism of my niece. That's OK - we split the family for it.
3. Made some good headway here. I am standing up for myself when I need to and not taking any crap. I am picking my battles as well. And working on the good stuff too. I have made a subtle break from one person who is not treating me as well as she could be. I am not one for scenes, so I just slowly backed away from the relationship.

Situation 7: My self esteem

1. Strangely, seeing the manager with low self esteem and how that relates to the folks who work for that person and how the whole thing really doesn't work well gave me new perspective.
2. I have decided that when I do something well I don't need to be ashamed of it. I have people in my life. Well one person, who feels that you shouldn't brag ever because it develops an ego. I realized that when I am with one friend of mine, who is 13 years younger, I am the mentor version of myself and am very relaxed about my gifts and sharing them and the wisdom that I have. That helps me be relaxed about what I am doing and how to handle others.
3. Better with compliments - I am finding that I tend to look deeper into why they are given and by whom. Some are not the surface value that I think they are.
4. Keep repeating to myself that other people do not decide how valuable I am.... I do.
   Stop listening to negative soundtracks playing in my head. Create new GOOD ones. Trouble on this one - but it's slowly getting there.

This was not the best first month out of hte gate. I made some significant progress in some areas and actually regressed on others. I know where I need to improve for next month and have already taken some serious time to reflect on how. I am moving more towards yoga and holistic lifestyles again. I find more peace and feel better when I am doing more of that.

Thank again to Minor revisions for this adaptation of the Plan.

First Rehearsal

I had my first rehearsal with the Clarinetist for "The Shepherd on the Rock".

The first words out of her mouth were "Are you Eric's daughter?"

This follows me forever. In a good way.

My dad was well known and well respected in the music education industry. I live in the town where he taught and retired from for 27 years. He has taught kids that are 16 NOW through 50 years old this year. Isn't that an amazing fact?

So I can't go too many places in my town without hearing "Are you related to Mr Contessa?" It's funny too, because it keeps a little part of my dad alive.

So when this lovely woman asked me that, first thing in the morning, with my coffee not even opened yet, I was stopped dead in my tracks.

Of course I said yes. But the words I expected to hear next didn't come.

Usually that is followed with something along the lines of, "I'm so sorry" or "What a terrible loss to you and your family AND the music community" or "How sad, he was so young".

But she said " I remember you as little girl tagging along with your dad. You are just taller now. I remember from the NMEA conferences. I too, am a past president".

Once we got to talking I realized that she wasn't even aware that my parents had divorced when I was 7. The only person she knows my father married to s my step mom. That's OK - that was the bulk of his adult life. She had no idea that I have a younger brother with the same name as my dad.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't expect that level of detail to be out there publicly. That's absurd. Until today, its the first time I have come across someone who knew my family but didn't know that level of detail. It took me off guard for moment.

I really like her though. She immediately took my name and number to add to the private teacher list in the district where she teaches. She is an incredible performer. She and I have one of my classmates in common. She teaches with a young woman who was a couple of years younger than me and married a wonderful man from my class. A horrible tragedy on their honeymoon took his life and left her's literally hanging in the balance. Thirteen years later, she has recovered, remarried and has 3 stepchildren and 2 of her own. Her baby is heading to Kindergarten this fall. It was very happy ending for me.

The rehearsal went well on this tune. Its a killer for all three parts - there will be no phoning this one in for any of us. And we are all perfectionists - hence the 2 hour rehearsal and another on Tuesday night.

It sounds good though. I'm really feeling good about it.

I many have to re-program where Queen of the night is.... I don't want to do it at the end and risk not having those top notes. I'm a little nervous there.

I dedicated this program to my dad. He would be so proud if he were alive. And I know he will be there.

oh and a little note - there is most definately a seat for both you and Maple Mama and we can catch up at my moms after!

It's a reality now

9 days.

Actually 209.5 hours left

its the countdown to the recital.

I'm excited. We did the program tonight and it's very comprehensive. It covers Oratorio, Art Song, Opera, Light Classical.

I included the Queen of the Night Aria from Mozart's Magic Flute. Brazen maybe. But it's easier now than I thought it would be.

The sets worked out well and I also include a Menotti piece for two reasons: Most importantly he passed away last night and secondly he was the lover of a great uncle of mine. Those guys were SERIOUS composers and their music will live on forever. My great uncle's music doesn't really do it for me ( yes I am that UN american) but his partner's I love. Menotty wrote some gorgeous opera's. I love Amahl and the Night Visitors. The Medium. All wonderful. My great Uncle wrote Adagio for Strings ( Blech). Sure on this Shining Night, some thing about purple monks and green raisons... he might have been on drugs there.

It's really diverse and serously I can't believe that I am singing some of the things on this program. I never thought I could.

But I can and it was a lot of work but not too hard. My biggest challenges are stamina and health.

I'm a little bit nervous but not overly so. Not yet.

I really feel like it's real now. I am rehearsing tomorrow with a clarinetist, my mom called and is going to host a reception at her home after the recital ( for those of you coming - my mom's receptions are generally not to be missed!), I am practicing the duet with my identical voice twin and I have my program worked out now.

It's going to be good. I just know it.