Taking care of long term business

I have to make a will.

I don't want to, but I'm at that age. I actually own property, so that also makes it necessary.

I also have life insurance and stuff, making this necessary.

Sometime ago, I made my brother and his wife the beneficiary and contingents at 100%.

After a lot of thought and a lot of soul searching, I modified it this evening and added a second benificiary.

I made the split 75% to my brother and 25% to the secondary beneficiary.

It's the right thing to do, even if its going to cause some controversy in my family. I don't care. It's what I want. I need to do this. I will be more at peace right knowing this is taken care of.

I asked Mrs. Jackson if she would take my cats in the event that something untimely happens to me. I asked that she raise them the way that I would.

She agreed, which I was counting on.

All that is left is the matter of my home, car and piano. The rest is incidental.

I am tidying up the interior and getting rid of extraneous things as well as giving away things I don't need or use. I live well, but I don't take care of things the way that I should.

Deciding how to handle the house is tough. What I want to do with it, is, leave it to one of the life insurance beneficiaries so they will always have a place to live. I don't know how that will fly or work, but I am expecting and anticipating that being the way this is going to go.

Oh and I know what my attorney will say. Again - don't care. He will advise me properly and I will listen and hear what he says, then I will do it my way.

It's an act of love, making sure that the people you love most in the world are taken care of after you depart.

I plan to have my funeral wishes written down and included in the will as well. For those of you that know me and will most likely outlive me, please, I trust you will see to it that they are followed.

Morbid... maybe.

But none-the-less.... an act of love.

If the second beneficiary is reading this.... I love you.

CATS!

My cats have a tough time relating to people with deep voices. So Wolfi has been slowly adjusting to having my bf around.

Today was the ultimate though. I spent a sleepless night and was upset at some things going on and not going on ( real or imagined). I finally went back to bed only to see my cat sleeping on him.

That traitor.

I went to sleep figureing it was a one shot deal.

Ah but no.

The little orange bastard curled up on his lap to sleep for the better part of the afternoon. Good thing I got in there in the morning or I would have had NO cuddle time with him at all. What's good for the cat is good for the mother! In fact he wanted to know if it was alright with Wolfi!

As I was walking out the the door, the two of then looked up at me and he said " this is MY cat now".

Ha,

Not till he feeds them and deals with the litter box!

Weirdness

I have always suspected that the man I would spend my life with would be different and the relationship would be anything but normal.


I also knew - and I mean knew - that I would be tested by God and this man in very unique and special ways.


I have to admit trying desparately to take the easy way out. I have dated scores of men inside my and above my income level, I have dated scores of men equal to and above my intelligence level. I have dated very few musicians, but the ones I dated were very carefully selelcted by my psyche subconsciously.


I am all about tradition. I want the house with the proverbial picket fence, minus the kids and dog. Substitute peace and quiet and the ability to sleep in and some cats and we're golden.


What I have learned about myself and about God is, there is no easy way out and you really cannot help who you fall in love. I have discovered that when I realized who I truly loved, he was smarter than I am, a far superior musician in some respects but not all, more life experience ( of course that comes with age) and many many other traits. Most importantly, kindness and the ability to make me laugh, and oh my gosh, do I laugh like hell.


Being with a musician, a working one, is wonderful. It's also hard and stressful and takes a lot of trust and faith.


But It's not instinctive. Not for one second. I think it takes MORE faith and MORE trust than the ordinary relationships that I have been in . I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am any good at those things either. Hence the tests.


I get uptight about the women. I admit it. But I realized something. He wouldn't mention it at all, if it were important. It's an amazing ego boost for a man who thinks little of himself when he has so much that he offers and so freely gives of himself. And lord there are so many of them that it's hard for a guy to not look.

It's all about the communication. As long as thee dialogue is going on, things are goinig to be OK.

And Now we wait

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I do not have a lot of patience. More to the point, I don't have a lot of patience when waiting for something.

The worst thing on earth is to call or leave a message, with no indicative tone of voice, that we need to talk. and then leave me hanging.

Largely because I have never had good things come from that. It's always been bad news.

Tonight I am sitting on edge and waiting because the Whore is at the bar where my bf is performing tonight.

The possibility of a showdown exists.

I'm a wreck pending the outcome and he hasn't called me yet. He even come by. We discussed it. I'll see him tomorrow either way.

But in the meantime, this has been eating him alive all week and it's passed on to me too. He's been wonderful about not pushing the issues here, but I'm stressed all the same.

I'd fight tigers for him. Including her.

Halloween with a Hangover

There are ways to spend this holiday, and there are ways not to.

I can spectacularly recommend NOT spending it with a Cabernet/Syrah blend Hangover.

But let me tell you why.

A week ago today, my bf and I had a "thing". Not a fight. Not an argument. Not a single harsh word expressed, no hidden agenda's or meanings. Just a thing. Just a hot button topic - for both - that hit me wrong on that day.

Yes - the whore. Who is still.... no more.

But none the less - a hot button topic because she won't let go. Constant calling and emailing. With no response until now. He took the call to tell her "stop and leave me be".

And seriously - I knew it. I told him I knew he had talked to her because he was different. Not better, not worse - just different.

It didn't go that way. It didn't go well for her at all. Harsh words were exchanged and the potential for further ugliness exists for Friday night at his gig. He asked me, for this week only, not to come.


When I asked him what he wants out of all of this, the only thing he said was, an apology for using his heart for batting practice.


I don't know about you, ladies, but when breaking up, an apology for any heart pain, past or future usually accompanies it. So the fact that she did not offer up one that was memorable ennough for him ( and ladies - he's sensitive - he takes that stuff personally) has him hurt.


I asked him if he can let it go and he told me "She has nothing whatsoever to do with us. We are OK - I just need the final closure. Please don't come on Friday. I would rather you not be a part of it"

I only said that I'm sorry she hurt him so badly and from that point on, we were on the path back to normal after a week of tension.

I knew he was feeling better too because he was more affectionate in the normal ways, he mentioned my hair and how nice it looked.... all the little things that had been missing for a week though both of us were trying hard NOT to let it interfere and sit between us.

It occurred to me, after speaking with Ms. Jackson over the weekend, that depression really does do strange things to people. I am not responsible for the depression and it's not being taken out on me specifically. I am not sure much can be done till there is a major and significant change in his family situation. This is the bad that goes with the good. The good is amazing so I can handle this....

He's learning about me too. That when I have a bad day at work, there is very big possibility that I am going to be over sensitive to criticism and corrections. Because at work, I am routinely treated like an incompetent idiot. We had some discussion about that last night too.

It's a learning process. Really.

Bringing me back to the beginnning. This situation or learning experience caused us both to drink more than normal but only as the release when it was all over. I don't normally even drink during the week to start with. Consequently, both of us have hangovers that are kicking us around this Halloween.

Whenever I ask myself how I ended up in a situation where I am battling a ghost and if it's worth it I think about the fact that if this hadn't started while she was still in the picture, he wouldn't know what a good thing he had to in his life. That's what finally pushed him into getting rid of her. He had a taste of someone who loves him and puts him first ( or second but definitely in the top 3). He fought to keep me in his life to start with and I don't take that for granted. So a little patience on my part is OK.

I feel so much better now, despite the hangover. I will suffer through the kids that will come here, I will laugh and compliment their costumes. I will hand out the candy I bought and smile.

Because though he just left, he'll be back later.

The Lingerie buyer

Poor Poodle.

With the advent of the trip coming up, I tend to be over prepared and I was working hard at the latest challenge - trying to determine what to wear to sleep in.

So I went to the VS website and started poking around. I picked out a couple of outfits that were designed for comfort and were sexy - whicch of course has its own set of criteria.

I called Poodle and made him look at them to help me out.

Girls.... don't make your gay guy friends pick out lingerie and especially not at work.

He kept saying.... "People are walking past my desk and seeing this stuff.... I have a reputation at stake here!"

To which I continue to reply: "That is the entire point of the Gay Guy straight girl relationship!!!! You are supposed to dress me!!!"

Needless to say - the one he picked out? One I already own. One I have never worn.

And here's the beauty of it.

It now fits again.

I cannot WAIT to go on the trip.

A quick update on the music

I just received a call ( yes I just hung up now after 30 minutes) from the new director of the group I have been with for 15 years.

For all intents and purposes, his goal was to convince and entice me to stay and to that end, he asked me to audition for the solo's and to please consider being section head.

Section head has morphed into a bigger job than the attendance that it used to be. It is now reviewing and moving seats around to keep the weak in front, the strong in back and the middle, well, in the middle.

It will be compensated in some fashion yet to be determined.

He was blissfully unaware until this week that the diva had control issues and wasn't going to rest until she drove me out.

He is not only aware of it now, but planning to slowly take things from her to re-balance the control throughout the group.

The fact is, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have left. But left unchecked, I can't make my peace with being there. I am willing to give it winter and re-evaluate.

This group is near and dear to my heart. This is a family legacy for me. Leaving was the only way I could have musical peace.

I don't expect to have that peace back immediately, however, I think that this could work out. I will give it my best shot through the end of the year and see where we are in the spring.

He's a nice and talented man. I don't think that he really had any idea - or needed to care - about the stupid political machinations of this group. I told him that I wouldn't have mentioned these issues to him if the president of the board hadn't already done so as this should not be something to concern himselff with. He has bigger fish to fry.

And the diva thinks that I am Unprofessional?

I still turn up my nose, and laugh french-like, at her.... because I can.

Had chest pains yesterday.

I noticed that they were not pains really, but not pressure. When I took a deep breath, it felt as if someone had a finger in my rib cage.

This went on most of the week, but was worse on Friday.

So, I went to see the Doctor.

Who told me to calm the hell down.

Backing up....

When we last left the Contessa, she was stressed out badly at work, had a slight bump in her relationship that was more or less her issue and was taking steps to relieve the stress of her extra-curricular music activities.

Update:

Work - still not good. Leader is micromanaging to the point where he is talking to my team as well as to myself like we are in Mickey Mouse Club.

Bel Canto - Herr Direktor is supposed to be calling me to ask me to stay, be section leader and to please audition for the solos.

relationship - Contessa apologized for not being as strong as she normally is, finally 'fessed up to the stress she has been under. The bf called last night, and showed up with wine for her, BK for him and Band of Brothers for the two of them. He spent the night, things were still tense, but it's residual and will go away.

Fast Forward:

I thought that the chest Discomfort would go away when 2 out of three things were solved. Nope. They didn't relieve until this evening and that's because I am not working. So the discomfort is actually work related. I am going to see Louise to see if there is something I can do, take, whatever that will assist in calming me down.

On a side note - I have discovered that Mederma is an amazing invention. Having severe stretch marks under my arms from my eczema, they are clearing up rapidly. I'm really happy about this. Amazing stuff with a unique smell. Not bad, just odd.

Another side note - red wine does assist in the calming down process, just keep the volume minimal.... ;-) the hangover's a bitch.

A last side note, had a really good conversation with Am today. We had a lot of fun and we covered a wide variety of topics. She made the observation that she too, tends to be mad at herself when she can't be strong for someone else. And she made the wise point that we are only human and sometimes our reactions are normal and sometimes all things aren't equal and the same information could just hit wrong. I hate that I wasn't the "rock" that I normally was. But I recognize that I am human and I feel OK about it. I did apologize to him for not being strong enough to handle it that day and in light of the other things that happened to me this week, he did understand that, but we are still "recovering" from it.

Not recognizing worth

As I have mentioned, I quit the performance ensemble that I belonged to for 15 years. It was a hard decision but it needed to be done.

The fact is I was not being recognized for my value and my worth. Quite clearly, the diva can cover all of it so why should I continue to beat myself over the head and pay money to be unhappy? Logical.

So I quit.

My job however I can't do that with. At least not now. The fact is, My boss got recognized for his value and his worth on my project. No disrespect to him, but he couldn't have managed his way out of paper bag on this. It was custom, it was difficult and the customer did not have a clue. So add that with the fact that my manager is a figurehead, that would have been the single biggest mess ever.

I was supposed to have been recognized but they gave it to my boss instead.

Two places that mean a lot to me have made it clear that I am not worthy.

Then the whore got back into my life again. she called him ( he didn't take the call) and emailed him twice saying not haing him in her life as a friend is unbearable. While on paper, this doesn't have anything to do with me, and I realize that, this is however marginally upsetting and it's all about the timing. You see, I had that creepy feeling early in the day, like someone was walking over my grave, and the words from one of her emails to him back in May crept into my brain. Something I hadn't thought about SINCE then. That was the moment that he was reading the email from her. So the combo made me uneasy and caused an entire evening of strain between us.

I did apologize and he did call me out on her being the problem. I acknowledged it and we discusssed a bit. I am not angry at him. He did nothing wrong. Telling me about it is not a bad thing. I just couldn't get out of fmy own head on it and it hasn't bothered me in quite awhile. I would rather not prohibit him from discussing things that are on his mind.

In reference to the emails andn calls, I told him that my preference was that he not respond. He didn't.

I'm angry at myself for this. I should be trusting in myself more. I don't. My self esteem is taking a big hit of late. I didn't realize how bad it was until this occurred.

What pisses me off so much is - I KNOW I AM WORTH MORE AND THE VALUE I BRING TO MY JOB, THAT CHORAL GROUP and MY RELATIONSHIP.... is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But yet, others choose not to see it.

Everything is clearly a popularity contest. Even at this age.

Birds

For all you bird-lovers out there, I'm sorry.

But I hate birds as pets.

I think they are really pretty to look at, but this is where it ends.

I have a neighbor. They are in the process of moving out. They are the nicest people on earth.

Except.

They own not one, but TWO African Grey Parrots.

Now PArrots of any kind and I NEVER get along. They shriek at inappropriate times as if someone is being murdered.

These two however REALLY piss me off.

But let me tell you why.

You know the new song that the Ice cream man plays? I'm sure it has a title.... but I don't know what it is.

Anyhoo....

These freaking birds can SING IT. LOUDLY.

So it's bad enough that I now listen to the ice cream man, at 10 PM no less, running around the block with this freaking song on a loop.... but now I have to hear it in stereo across the damn hall!!!!!!

but that's not all.

They have expanded their repertoire to also include La Cuckaracha and the Tequila song ( A little Pee Wee Herman perhaps).

What a freaking treat.

I will miss Dan and Miriam. But not these two. Hell no, they can leave now.

I can assist by sending my cats across the hall.

THey were looking hungry anyway.....

Happiness is....

Your choice.

Pick the thing that makes you happy.

You are not limited to one thing.

and it can't be anything from that song.

Seriously.

Sage advice from the ever brilliant Maple mama runs to my brain whenever doubt sets in.

I can translate it into three words.

Ride the wave.

I have another friend who is 25 and just got engaged. I sang with her in the group I just tendered my tentative resignation.

I sent her an email that explained what happened and how I felt about it. She sent back a lovely note that said " you need to do the things that make you smile... and I should take my own advice!".

I thought about this for a couple of days. I am happy. I have someone in my life who makes me smile, who reassures me when I have doubts, even when they may be about myself or him ( regardless of whether he even knows), I took my music and pared it down to the things that I love and cut out the crap that I don't need nor want.

I decided that if something isn't working in my life or someone isn't working in my life, I need to fix it or get rid of it.

I've discovered that i have no patience for stupid shit. I can't stand the popularity contest, or competition over something that isn't a competition in the first place. I don't want to get dramatic over anything that doesn't involve me or someone that I love who needs to feel defended.

So after listening to K's advice and Maple Mama's, I realized that it's better to have less and be happy with it than more and be miserable and busy.

What I like about this new plan, it gives me back some of my own time.... that's the real blessing!

I'm home

For the first time this weekend, I am in my house.

This weekend has been a marathon not a sprint.

First, Friday night I had the talent show from hell. This was supposed to start at 7 and started 20 minutes late for reasons I can't fathom.

The show, which only had 14 acts less than 5 mins each, proceeded to take 2 hours and 30 minutes plus 2 30 minute intermissions.

My act was second to last.

I didn't win, I didn't plan to win, I was there to add filler acts to a HS talent show.

By the time I got home, I could b arely put a coherent sentence together and the joke for the night was " I didn't realize that this was a sleepover talent show - I would have brought my sleeping bag!"

Yesterday , I ran like a lunatic and did all my errands, then had dinner with my best girlfriend and her hubby.

I got home around 9.

Today, I went to church, I had lunch with Bernie, and went to the bar to hear my best friend play. Then I taught an hour lesson, verbally resigned from the group that I sing with. I walked into my house at 8PM.

Here's the deal on the resignation. The reality is, I don't need to pay money to be irritated and angry. When I really reviewed why I was staying, it ultimately got round to two things. One, I was staying to keep the diva from getting what she really wanted ( me gone) and two, emotional ties to my dad and uncle who founded it. Letting the Diva win, believe it or not, was the harder thing to let go.

Once I made the decision though, I didn't feel anything. Not anything bad. I felt release. YOu would think after 12 years wtih this group that I would miss it or feel something.

But no.

Nothing.

Making the decision was harder than carrying it out.

I feel badly that I did it on a voice mail, but too bad. I came home, and am doing some chores. Then I'll have some light snack and a bath, then to bed.

It's really appealing and my December, as Bernie pointed out, is one concert performance lighter.

I miss the relaxing weekends though.

This is the game that never ends

Years ago, I saw stand up on HBO by Rita Rudner.

One of her skits was about playing peek-a-boo on the plane with the child in front of you.

Her take on this is, DO NOT START THIS GAME.

It's the game that has no end.

Every time the kid turns around... she kept saying

"It's me silly"

The kid turns around again

"It's still me silly"

Again

"yep - STILL ME"

My version of this game is with one of those cheesy toys that are usually a gift with purchase from somewhere and involves 2 four year olds.

The toy, for lack of a more creative name we'll call BOING. it's one of those small springloaded monsters that you push the spring down so that the suction cup on the bottom creates a seal. The pressure the spring causes the monster to bounce in the air making a boiing sound.

except this one doesn't work properly. It takes WAY too long to spring.

My best girlfriend and were playing this with her girls and we came up with the plan of setting the toy, dropping it from 8 inches in the air. We get the bounce AND the boing.

Which is when the trouble started.

Now the girls want to do it too. It radically went to "my turn, my turn".

We must have done "one more time" 10 more times.

If you know anything about Spamalot, a rewrote the words to " The song that never ends"

This is the game that's gone too long.
THis is the game that never ends.

I told her to HIDE this toy. Or lose it, or break it.

It was cute though. These kids always give me good entertainment.

Some Days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed

And that, my friends, was today.

From the minute I actually got out of bed, this day TANKED.

I won't elaborate on the work parts because, well, while they sucked, its really just another day in the life. BUT.

It did contribute to the murderous rage I was feeling by 5PM.

I was actually angry at that, because my kids that I teach do not deserve to have to put up with my rages at my life.

I was tempted to cancel and thought it would be a better growth opportunity for me to work through it.

So, in the midst of having quite to work day, I jump to a realization of information I have had since Saturday.

No, I am NOT slow, but I did shelve it.

I sing with a group that was founded by Uncle and carried by my dad till he passed. At that point we hired a young director roughly my age but did not renew his contract after the first year was over to a conflict in vision. Brilliant musician, just not for this group. Then we hired my voice coach ( who wasn't at the time) and he stayed with us for 3 years. He opted not to renew his contract this year.

Through All this, I had been on the board of directors. At some point, the diva became threatened by me and as she does in any competitive situation, she had me removed from the board by campaigning. She wasn't on the slate but opted to do a write in for herself as she felt that I had been on the board for too long.

Well. I was upset, but then realized I had hte best of all possible worlds, I could sing, attend meetings if I wanted but had no actual responsibility. Yes... this has definite possibilities.

So I went on happily in this fashion, getting my solos and singing beautiful music.

Then our director resigns and the "new" board hires a new one.

He's excellent. Talented, reasonable and fun. Yes he is very good for us.

But I'm not happy. I attended 3 out 5 rehearsals. But I'm not happy.

I really sat down and thought about it this week.

The reason that I'm not happy has nothing to do the director.

You see, in my section I am the most qualified person to be section leader. But I can't. Because of my last name.

I am the most qualified person to hold board position of Music Librarion. But I can't. Because of my last name.

I would be qualified to direct this group. But I can't. Because of my last name.

Are we seeing a pattern here?

The people in power right now got there by default and empty promises. ( sounds a little bit like our government does it not?)

They are threatened by people who are actually talented, motivated and do the work.

So, one of the newer board members is a woman I will call the name dropper. She is sad soul who feels her worth is made up by the people she knows.

She made the mistake of mentioning, in a board meeting that I did not attend, that her sister was a far superior flautist to me and if we are hiring professionals, her sister is the better choice.

Now I ask you. If you said this to a board about someone and one of that person's parents were on the board.... would that make you smart? would you think shrewd?

Or is that just STUPID????

The phone rang off the hook as 2/3 of the board ratted her out.

So I wrote her this email today.

Dear Name Dropper:

It has come to my attention, through several sources, that you feel your sister is a far superior flautist than I am. While it is your opinion and I respect your right to have it, I would suggest that, in the future, before you critique my performance, you may want to make sure you have actually heard it. As a professional musician, I have extensive degree's and credentials in this area and I take offense to unqualified criticism.

Best Regards,

The Contessa.

The tap dance that I got back was as follows:

Contessa,

I in no way meant any offense to your abilities as a flautist, and I have heard you play at last year's concert. You did a very good job. My concern is that if we are putting together a professional ensemble, we should get performers where instrumental performing is their forte. If you have that experience, my apologies. Your strength, in my opinion, is singing. The evidence for that is your well-deserved solos. I further don't understand why you would pay to be in a chorus and then want to play with the ensemble instead of singing. I personally would not want to be in a chorus and then end up playing an instrument for half the concert. I would find other outlets for my instrumental interests.

I cannot deny the fact that I do not know your degrees, credentials and experience. I do know my sister's extensive resume. I also have to admit to being partial to my sister, who is also a professional musician

I also apologize that you even heard any of this. In my opinion, people have to learn when to keep their mouths shut. Feel free to inform those "several sources" that I said so.

I hope we can consider this a small blip in our relationship.

Regards,

Name Dropper

Now, You may be wondering what credentials she has to make these determinations at all???

Well this is pretty big.

None.

Yes, that's right. Not one flippin thing.

This is why I am considering leaving the group.

No Not this ONE instance. This is the straw that broke the camels back. But because I am not valued here. The director, who doesn't know me, has now been subjected to hearing criticism of my many talents by the immature 50+ year old women who are so threatened that they trash anyone. I have stayed this long to keep them from turning on a younger more talented woman in my group. She is a brilliant young coloratura and I kind of protect her a bit from this crap.

She can handle them though. Better than I can actually. I took a page from her book on this.

I don't need to pay money to sing with a group that penalizes me for being the daughter of a great musician and the great niece of famous composer. I don't need to pay money to sing in a group that penalizes me for being a professional regardless of how I am being treated. I don't need to spend money to sing period. I get paid. elsewhere.

I can also more money and sing with a more musical, more professional and much higher caliber group with a demanding director who always delivers a spectacular performance whether I agree with her solo choices or not. If we get yelled at, it's because, we are not doing something right and it's usually as a group not an individual.

Now to be fair, I have a lightly harder audition each season because of my dad. Not that I am judged more harshly, but I am criticized more than most because of the potential that she knows is in me. I am not thrilled about it, but I am OK with it.

I went to that rehearsal tonight. And I viewed it through different eyes. I could make my home here. I really could. Not singing with the other group would also gain me access to the philharmonic again.

We were 30 minutes late to this rehearsal. We got applause for walking in at all. She's not usually that kindly.... normally I would be lacking a finger at the minimum, a full limb at the max. But she was kind and funny.

I really think I could make this my home. No more bullshit.

what a refreshing concept.

I spoke to Pat the president of the romper room group. I had stuck it out this long for him as he needed support in the masses. I told him I would have a decision by the end of the week. I won't leave them hanging. But I don't see why I should stay. I can't envision a reason to stay at this point. It hurts that I am being penalized for being related to 2 amazing , albeit deceased, musicians. And it bothers me more that the diva feels she has to behave this way in order to move ahead.

A director of mine once said "the person who is assertive moves up and ahead bringing those beneath him up with him. An Agressive person is one who steps on those beneath him on his way up."

The diva can't make it on her own. She has recruited some henchmen to help her in her quest, but the fact remains that if she, at 51 years of age, had the self assurance and confidence, I wouldn't have a post to write tonight on this topic.

On the high side of the day. I had Candy corn for dinner. And I won an ebay auction for something special for my sweetie.

Both things happened AFTER I got home.

The day ended more peacefully than it started.

That's the shape of my heart

I've noticed subtle changes in me lately.

There's a relaxing of the mind and soul that is unusual for me.

I suffer from conscious tension and fear. But at the same time, I have peace in my soul. Now.

I don't know why but I have always been embarassed by my emotions. If I feel something, I feel like I have to hide it.

In college, I met people who didn't do that. Maple Mama, Bernie and Am are the three that come to mind, but they aren't the only three. These are people that I have been so close to.... Marriages, children, illness in parents, death of parents, reuniting with family, birthdays, holidays, you name it. In those times I can look back at each person named here, and see birthdays of Bernie's kids, Communions, baptisms, Special birthdays of Bernie himself, a memorable trip to see Maple Mama when Bernie's son was small, being made of honor for Am, surprising her with her bridal shower that Maple and I threw, spending the night at her house during the NTE's, attending her grandfather's funeral that same weekend, Partying in our dorm during the summer when we broke in. All these memories of people I love who are as close to me, and in some ways closer, than my own family.

These are people who say they love you and mean it and aren't embarassed that they feel that. These are people who have redefined the word love and coyned the expression LOEV. It means something special only to the four of us. It can't be defined here, but we know what it means.

Over all these 20 years, they have helped me to learn that it's OK to feel things and it's OK to verbalize them. I have grown so much for all of them having been part of my life. We have had to fight at times to keep the friendship alive Because life and distance and certain things like that, get in the way.

I'm at a point in my life where knowing how my heart works, emotionally, is really key. I am impatient and impulsive. I worry that I am not doing the right things by my friends and I am sensitive. And I'm pushy. I want everything now.

We have changed though....Now I am letting the person who is important to me, catch up to me without being pushed by me. My impatience has left the building. Without being told, asked, shoved or anything. It was almost like a serenity blanket was put over me and I was able to relax and let him take his own path and time to get where we need to be. I'm already at one level and he's catching up now.

I had a glimpse of it the other night. Friday night, I mentioned to him that in all probability I was going to have a houseguest who happens to be one of my best friends on a temporary basis. Remember - we have a gag rule that is technically still in effect, but is starting to loosen. He was not only fine with it, but managed to recall WHO it was with some detail, their spouse and children's names and approximate levels in school. He was interested in meeting him - also good because that's something that's important to me.

These are good things. These are basic things, but I am so accustomed to drama that when it leaves I sometimes don't know how to relax.

But I'm learning. Every day. Little things change the shape of my heart. Mabye It's starting to grow back bigger. Or maybe it was this big to start with and I was only using a small part of it.

Whatever the reason is, this is now the new shape of my heart.

Ashes and Snow

One of the things I love most about my best friend is that he loves all things beautiful. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder of course.

But he likes to share them with others and he has the knack to know who will truly appreciate it.

Tonight he jumped up off the couch and showed me a website that was nothing short of spectacular. If his head hadn't been up his ass when it came to town months ago, he would have taken me in to see it.

The site and the artists vision is called "Ashes and Snow"

The photographs and videos are of unusual, peaceful and tranquil poses and movements by humans in conjunction to animals such as Elephants, Manitees and Cheetahs... birds, Lynx....

They are quite possibly some of the most exquisite photo's I have ever seen. Each one is more beautiful than the last one and they are peaceful and tranquil.

This project took over 10 years to create and in every picture, humans eyes are closed and animals' eyes are open. From that perspective, given what I know about these kinds of animals, the eyes closed are to assist in not engaging the animal in attack posture. Direct eye contact can cause an animal who is afraid, to engage in attack.

But the effect is so calming and so trusting.

Trust.

The trust portrayed between these animals and human beings is really important.

For me it was somewhat representative of the lack of trust in each other. That over a 10 year period, this artist was able to capture that trust between humans and dangerous animals without a hint or a flinch of stress on these faces is absolutely amazing to me.

He explained that the stills were arranged in a long tranquil corridor fashion, and presentation is everything as we know. He took one of his friends with him and she absolutely loved it. She's an art professor, so that actually makes some sense.

I couldn't decide which was my favorite shot. I invite you to check out the website and decide on your own.

This was a really special moment for me. I hope you all enkoy it as much as I did.

Anxiety

I have been diagnosed as having "Higher Anxiety levels than is normal for a woman my age".

What a freaking treat.

So what made me go to the doctor about this a month ago?

Well, Lately I have had more and more trouble winding down at night.

Oh I pulled all my tricks out of the bag, the PM yoga, the warm lavendar bath, the not putting the computer on after a certain hour, not watching high action or emotionally charged films after a certain hour....

None of my old tricks work. I spent and spend, too much time focusing on one or two topics that caused me anxiety.

Work is the NUMBER 1 reason for the anxiety.

Here's a news flash for all you people who need to control everything, are overly demanding and need to be in charge all the time.... you are micro managers. It's a trust issue. You simply are unable to trust the people who are involved to do things where the end result is the correct one. Sometimes you choose these people, and sometimes they are handed down.

Micro managers are usually exceptionally good team players. Because of their need for control, they can be phenomenal individual contributors. But to manage or oversee a group of people? Not usually an actual strength. It can be learned but generally speaking its not this type of person's strength.

Management is about leading people towards a common goal. In truth you are, at any given time, either managing people, time or tasks.

In a highly functional team, like mine, you rarely have to manage people or tasks. Just time. And usually your own. Occasionally when there is more work than people and things need to be prioritized, that's when the time management assistance comes into play. If we need a task to be escalated, we normally don't wait for a manager, we just do it ourselves.

When we work for a micro manager, you get your time, your tasks, yourself and even the way you do things, managed. What that tells most human beings is, you are not qualified or capable of making these basic decisions on your own. And it's very degrading.

Micro managers tend to lose patience when focused on their ultimate goal. Sometimes they are short or bark other times they speak to you condescendingly as if you couldn't possibly know or understand what they are trying to accomplish here.

So my power woman psyche at work is taking a lot of hits of late. What I am also finding is that my musical life is providing those same hits as well. Thus the high Anxiety on two things that I am good at.

Criticism is OK. It's necessary even. How else can we as people improve and know how we are doing on a scale if there wasn't any?

But at my age to work for a person who overseas when I pull my email or tells me that I have to push an order ( when he says that on every order ) or chastises me becauseI didn't tell him about the vacation days that were on the schedule for over a month? PLease.

And they took our headcount away. So now we have to do 6 peoples' work with 5.

So what am I doing about it.

I started a holistic remedy that allows me to take ann herbal mixture anytime I feel the anxious panicky feeling to rise up. I am still doing the yoga, bath and all that..... but I finding the herbal mixture is actually helpful for me. It reduces the anxiety a bit.

I notice some new symptoms are the increased road rage. The inability to tolerate even mild criticism from family and friends, the lack of tolerance towards large groups of people who can't take direction. This should eventually be managed and I am working out every day to help reduce the stress and anxiety.

I'm just managing the anxiety. One source of stress is largely relieved or at least lifting, but the work issue needs to be managed better.

Yes - I know this appears to be a rant but hey, it's my blog and I'll rant if I want to!

The Plan Month 9

Nope I haven't forgotten about the plan.




Scenario 1 - Health / Exercise: My blood pressure is more stable now. I have been taking something for the stress and anxiety that I have been dealing with for 6 months. A friend of mine is a holistic healer and she gave me a combo of Skullcap and Mother wart.... in a vodka base. I still say it's the vodka but whatever. It's doing the job.


Weight is still down at 25 lbs. I started walking with 1 lb hand weights 2-3 miles a day. I feel good and the inches are moving. Slowly but surely, the numbers will budge too. I am having some difficulties on this plateau but I can get through this.



Goals for October: To continue the walking and add Weight training 3 days a week. Keep Blood Pressure within range. Keep skin stable.


Scenario 2 - Job/Career- Eh - nothing new here. Same old same old. Not good, not bad. Just the same.



Goals for October: Maintain the pace and not murder my boss.


Scenario 3 - My home - A/C is still not installed. My super was out of town. I Organized my books and CD's. I am trying to stay on top of the pickup so that it's not so overwhelming when Maria is coming.

Goals for October:

1. Install A/C
2. Organize and pare down closets
3. Organize Kitchen
4. Fix Faucette in kitchen
5. Fix hall Closet door
6. Hang mirror
   

Scenario 4 - finances - New car issues have cropped up. I am working on creatively getting the money together to deal with that.

Goals for OCtober - Clean up Car issues and resume savings

Scenario 5 - Education - I'm getting tired of being THIS busy all the time. I am not taking any new kids now. This is it, I need to have time to myself and my personal life needs some attention.

Goals For October - No more new kids. I need time for me.

Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - I'm working on nurturing them. Its tougher than I expected but at the same time I am starting to notice that I am opening up. the openess has caused me to re-evaluate some of the "old" wounds that are scabbed over but not as healed as I had thought. Things that do not even pertain to my current situation.

New situation with me being the only one has taken a new chapter out and we've taken a slight hit in a sense, we now hae to learn to be just us. A not bad problem to have honestly, but it's manifested in places I wouldn't have expected. It needs some work and some nurturing but I have confidence in it. And I have Maple Mama to thank for some assistance.

Goals for OCtober - Work on the new relationship. Keep communicating. Don't be so afraid.

Scenario 7 - Self esteem - Admitting and acknowledging something in my past to my my best friend caused me some issues, in my own head of course. I took some of these matters into my own hands to help re-build confidence in my own self. I feel better and I think I can take this issue and work with him to toss it permanently.

Goals for October - Get out of my own head and my own way. Be open to some new ideas and activities. Don't be so afraid. Rejection is not around the corner.

Scenario 8 - Spirituality - I am sort of back to church. I was sick one week and working the next. I hae all intentions of being there week. I still pray every night and I can see God's blessings in my life and on others.

Goals for October - Try and make every Sunday in October

Twin beds vs the "gag rule"

I have this wedding to go to soon. It's a super formal, lavish, but small affair in a very Shhee Shhee location.

I was invited along with two my best girlfriends and their husbands and my "best friend".

Somewhere in the past few weeks, I posed the question:

"Since the bride and groom or comping the rooms for us so we can stay the night, are we getting one or two? " Yes - I know the answer.

Remember the gag rule. These are mutual friends....

He looks at me and says "One. Two is just stupid. Besides...."

So I write her note, saying " In the interest of financial planning, we will share one room".

I really wasn't prepared for her to call tonight and tell me that she put us in a room.... wait for it.....

with 2 twin beds.

Seriously. Do hotels still HAVE rooms like this?

Of course now, I have to actually explain the dilemma.

I suggest that it would be, umm, easier, if we had one bed.

She says she will re-shuffle some things and let me know. She is good, she asked nothing further but did explain the decision making. And it made sense.

She was going to put us in a room with a queen and a pullout, but her fiance said - that wasn't fair to my best friend so he suggested the twin beds.

Ummmm - Awkward.

So I don't offer details and tell her that and she doesn't ask and tells me that. We are both on the same page. She knows nothing and i said nothing.

As far as she and I are concerned, this conversation, while charming and funny - didn't happen.

Do what feels right

In the soft glow of the computer, I looked at the expression in my email and I thought about it. Really hard.

I was still in my "bar clothes" as I went to hear my best friend's band play and normally I am not allowed because he feels like he has to entertain me and he's "working". that's no longer the case, and I am free to roam the bar while he plays. This is largely due to the connection we have, he always finds me by sight and we have an entire private conversation with our eyes during their sets.

This is the real reason I am not allowed to come down - the connection. It was first discovered at this bar 5 -6 years ago and in order for him to be effective he needs it. I can't explain it to you and I wouldn't even try. It just is what it is.

First thing he did, was come back and kiss me hello. My lord, in public too. I almost passed out dead - so did the groupies....

Then he gave me some news that on the surface seems negative, but here's where it felt right.

He came om early from his north shore gig last night, packed up everything that had been given to him or was, the Whore's, including the only picture, wrote a letter and dumped everything unceromoniously at her house on the lawn.

Yes, I would say that it sounds childish. On the other hand, I call it closure.

Taking you back in time, to June and July. after the big gesture of "I want permission to call you every day", there was radio silencee for two weeks. The first thing I did, was take everything and pack it into a box and prepare it to be shipped 2 miles away from my home to his. That day, he showed up at the door. He had moved into his brother's because his brother had had a feeding tube in and he was the only one who had been trained to feed and it was absolute mayhem. He was so sorry he really was unable to call as he had no help. Given the way things are right now, in the present, quite clearly he was forgiven. And he still chose to do the work he needed to do to keep me.

I have always said, from the beginning that what she did to him, he did to me. I broke the cycle in June because I couldn't deal with that anymore. He just broke the cycle with her. He was hoping she would do for him, what he did for me. And when it was clear that that wasn't going to happen, he called it done - perhaps not the most mature of ways - but he put his closure in place.

He was angry and hurt when I saw him last night, but he didn't take it out on me. More importantly, these decisions and closure were made for HIM not for ME.... but as he put it, I did cross his mind on the way home form the gig and it sort of spurred him on. So I guess I was motivation in some small way.

Doing what feels right? He spent too much time talking up an aging groupie. I could do an entire post on groupies and their age..... I guess there's a post if I ever run out of material. When he came back around to where the keyboardist and I were chatting.... he pulled me aside and apologized. He was on a self destructive streak for a moment given the events in the past 24 hours, looked over, saw Mike and I talking, and politely excused himself to come back to me. And offered the apology.

What I am trying to say, is, doing what is right for me, means he has to help me grow in some areas, and he is. And I have to help grow in others, and I am. This is the one. I am sure of it. And I can tell you that I have never been sure of that in my whole entire life. This is big for me.

When I mentally reviewed the actions over the past few months, I saw the trend. It's as bright as if it were lit with each step. The that we are on, can only move forward.

"Do what feels right"

Four little words that mean so much.

"Do what feels right" - Scale Mistress

Thank you, Scale Mistress - it was good food for thought. It made me evaluate what's happening and made me realize that I have been.... and will continue to be.

Maple Mama

I don't want to embarass her, but I don't know if you all realize how special Maple Mama is.

She was once my college room-mate, before that, a class mate at Manhattan School of Music.

I have so many memories that include her, I don't think I would know where to start.

Our personal histories are entwined for more than 20 years. We know each others parents, siblings ( mine she's an only) and outside friends... ( Sierra Sedan).

We have a cross section of Buds ( Bernie, Am to name 2).

There are literally thousands of things I could tell you about her. She's warm, she's funny - though sometimes not in the way she intended, she's absolutely corny in the most wonderful ways. She's absolutley beautiful.

She married an amazing man. I've always been jealous of that.... in the good way! She has a gorgous son with the best temperment ( He sent me a flock of ducks once!).

What I truly love most about her, is that through all these years, when I needed her.... she was there. That day was yesterday.

The cross section of personal histories caused me to need her as the only person I knew that I trusted to talk to. She was there. It was a really good talk. And I have felt that the weight that was on me in my last post has now been lifted though I still have some work I need to do.

She's like a sister, but better. She's truly amazing and I want to take this moment to dedicate this post to her.

Because

I loev her so much!!!!!

And I want her to know that, though we may not communicate much or often, that doesn't change that at all.

"How do you get to Carnegie hall?"

I have discovered that insecurities will take many forms.

I have specifically noticed that when I feel that I have conquered one, another rises up to take it's place.

The battle is never over.

One of my recent discoveries is that I am shy in certain areas. Shy might be a strong word. Shy is not normally used to describe me. I think instead I will use the word, cautious or fearful.

And what I am is cautious and fearful of is in fact rejection in all of it's forms.

Now I know I've had this discussion here before, but I just realized that something in this area has been gnawing at me for months and it's in an area that I am not entirely comfortable detailing to you.

I recall a scene from Sleepless in Seattle where Meg Ryan and her mom are trying on her wedding gown in the attic. Her mom is describing how she met Meg Ryan's dad and tells her daughter "Don't worry dear, if everything doesn't work like clockwork... in the sack as you call it? Because sometimes it takes awhile" and Meg Ryan, embarassed, says "well, we already...." her mom says "Well Fiddle dee dee.... so is working like clockwork???"

I love this scene because it shows me a mother who wants to discuss sex with her daughter who is getting married, but her upbringing throws an embarassed twist on it. But she valiantly tries to overcome it. And you have to give her credit.

I have not had that kind of upbringing. I had this incredibly, almost borderline, inappropriate frank conversations about sex and dating, since we were old enough to understand what it meant.

Theory and practice - regardless of topic - are two very different things. Theory, books, discussions - these are all very nice and well and good. Very educationsl, very good for ideas, very good for sanity checks. But practice. Well.....

Practice makes perfect... doesn't it? Lawyers have practices, doctors have practices. There's a boatload of great jokes that go with that too.... we'll leave them for now though and go to the more conventional "practice" discussions.

I have discovered that I am actually a little bit out of practice in the confidence area of that movie clip. And that's weird for me. I'm not even sure how that happened but I attribute some of it to the questionmarks that have plagued me for months until recently.

You see, The Whore is... no more.

She is out of both of our lives at this point. Though for how long I can't say. She's the type who wants what she wants. But he's not having any of it. She has been told to "Step off".

And I thought that when that happened I would be wildly thrilled. But I'm not. I actually don't feel all that much that isn't clinical. I have spent so many months denying her presence in my day to day living, that telling me she's gone is almost anticlimactic.

I trust him and we've had some very extensive discussions on it of late. I believe in him. I love him. We are building something here. But I feel like we are starting again. Perhaps that's a good thing. We are learning more and more about one another. I find myself wondering sometimes "what will we talk about?", and you know what, it's a stupid question. We talk about everything.

In a way we are starting again. We are a lot stronger for it too which I didn't see happening. I need to relax more, I need to enjoy the journey more and yes, you all know me so well, I am reading books too. Knowledge is power. I am re-reading Men are from Mars and women are from Venus as well as it's sequal - Mars and Venus in the bedroom. Go on - make fun. But it can't hurt.

I know that my confidence will come back once the security starts to filter through. My lack of confidence stems from my lack of security. I know that things will start working "like clockwork" once I feel better about things.

I feel like it's my fault. I have never been through something like this in this area. On the othe hand, I've also never truly felt for another person what I feel here. So that can play a part. Things are still a little bit precarious with us. So that plays a part too.

But to love is to have hope.

And I have lots of both.

And you know the old joke.... "How do you get to Carnegie hall?"

Practice Practice Practice.

Writer's Block

I don't really have writer's block. I have tons of things can write about. But sometimes too much information is simply.... too much.

I have developments in my love life that are really great. But I feel firstly, talking about them will jinx them ( remember how I am not superstitious.) and secondly, some things are just meant to be private. Just know that I am on the road that I want to be on.

I have developments in my career. These are less great. I have a direct manager who micro manages me ( and my team) to the brink of insanity. I want to shake him mand ask him if he's bored. But I don't.

Instead I have given up trying to play stupid in order to asuage his bruised ego. He is afraid of women with fine intellect. He spends as much time as possible riding us on stupid trivial things in order to drive us completely mental. The end result is, instead of a simple "ok" to him, I now say, "I took care of that and confirmed in email a few hours ago". Which generates anger. I refuse to deny my talents in that way. I will treat him the respect due his title, but I will not dumb myself down.

I got some of my house in shape, I'm pretty pleased with it. I have the rest scheduled. I no longer freak out when Maria is coming to clean.

I s tarted exercizing again. I feel great. I lost 3 of the 5 lbs I had gained. I am working on my skin which is getting better. I found a dress but I nee to add sleeves or change the neckline and my seamstress will KILL me as she HATES the type of material. I am still looking.

We shall this one writer's block and hopefully have more to tell you soon.

Uneasy

I have had a week of revelations. not all good.

First, I spoke to a friend of mine on Sunday who knew something about the Choral group that is recruiting me.

She mentioned that the director was a bit of a tyrant and she wouldn't work with her. If I didn't care, that was my choice, but she wanted me to know going in. Not sure I can do two tyrants a week....

The update there is that they rehearse on Tuesday nights and I am locked into a recording contract through mid February and all those rehearsals are on Tuesday nights. Which is a bummer for me. I very much wanted to try this kind of singing and it seems like a lot of fun. Maybe in February and I will inquire about seasonal singing with them.

Secondly. I put 5 lbs on that don't seem to want to leave. I know why they are there and I know what I need to do and I am just frustrated. Don't mind me, I just need to bitch a bit.

So I am putting my exercize routine back in place tomorrow. Two times a day. No discussions. No ifs' ands or butts.... pun TOTALLY intended.

I have a friendship that's slowly dying and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I guess I need to let it go. So to that end, I have decided that the last phone call I made this past week i sthe last one . I can't change this now but I left a somewhat sarcastic message out of frustration for lack of contact for which I am sorry.

But my perception is that I am carrying it alone and I can't do it anymore, and you can't know how it kills me inside as I feel like I am the failure here. I have done everything that I know to do to keep a friendship alive and flourishing long distance and in the end, I am the one who failed her. I couldn't reach her to tell her this live in person, and I won't send it in an email. If she reads this, I'm so sorry. I loev you and I'm sorry I failed you in this. I won't contact you or bother you anymore, but I am here if you need me, you just need to reach out. I'll miss you.

Which brings me to my current problem. Periodically, I suffer from this feeling of failure. In the case above, it's kind of true. But usually it's in my own head.

I feel like I am not the best person that I should be. I recently won an award for ALS Chairperson for the Kiwanis club. I was thrilled. And I don't feel like I deserve it. At all. So I am bothered by that. I know the family would tell me I am crazy.

I feel like my weight problems are another source of failure. Oh no matter that I took off 25 lbs. I still don't feel like it's enough.

I feel incompetent at work - why ??? Because my boss treats me like I am. How long are you treated badly before you believe it's true?

I don't feel in slightest bit attractive due to some criticsm of late. Doctors and friends and what not. I have skin atrophy on my face from overuse of steroids. Could I be any more of an idiot? I , of all people, know better. it's getting better but not fast enough. My own vanity caused it - isn't that sad???

My house is surface wise fine - you would never know that under the surface lies a mass of unorganized chaos. I am working on that.

Maybe at the young age of thirty - something, I am having a midlife crisis. And I am on the brink of getting the exact things that I want. So explain this situation to me. Someone.

I am a very intense and dramatic person, despite my attempts to not be. I have given up trying to be what I am not and am concentrating on being a better version of who am. Sometimes, in the explorations, that means I have doubts about myself. I don't feel worthy of the people in my life and I then suffer some insecurities.

My issues here are largely communication related and fear driven. I know this and recognize it and am trying very hard to make those problems go away. I have some plans for this. OH and I am not patient. I'm better at it, but I am not patient.

I'm just uneasy. Ill at ease.

and this too shall pass.

Soul Mates or Love is just the touching of souls?

Do you believe in soul mates?

I have always believed that the jury is out on this one.

Is there really one perfect person for everyone in the world?

In hebrew, the term "Beshert" means "destined" or "fated". The context is generally applied to another person.

"The Talmud (Moed Katan 18b; Sotah 2a) tells us that G-d personally chooses matches for people. A match that G-d has chosen is certainly "destined", even if it does not actually come about (for example, if the couple does not want to be a couple). The idea that matches are destined goes back to Genesis; Rivkah's behavior at the well demonstrated to Eliezer that "this is the woman whom G-d has appointed for my master's son" (Gen. 24:14,44).. In German, "bescheren" sometimes means "to give" or "to bestow"; thus one's given portion is "beschert" (the -er or -e ending indicates that the thing being given is male or female). This Hebrew association may have reinforced the Yiddish meaning of "beshert" as "fated" or "destined". "

-Torah.org

I'm not sure I ever bought into it.

I wanted to, with all my heart. But I just never saw this "matching up of twin souls" happening for me.

A little history here: I'm German, I'm French, I'm scottish, I'm english, I'm Irish. I'm Episcopalian. It doesn't matter, because every race, religion and creed has their own version of this concept. I happen to be drawn to the Hebrew version and since Jesus was technically Jewish - born, raised AND died - I tend to have an interest in that religion since Christianity is born of Judaism.

Back to Soul Mates. The point here is that, in theory, most of the famous poets in the world beleive that if we all took a chill pill and stopped looking, we would meet that perfect person. That Soul mate, their Beshert.

I think of my many friends who have met their mates. Married their mates. My mother who married her "prince charming" after divorcing the father of her children.

Divorce is just a sign that you haven't met that person. Can this be true? Can this be right? Why is it so rampant now the it was in our parents generations? Was it because they just suffered in silence?

I know this post opens a lot of questions up. I have been reading up on this and looking up information for awhile on this topic.

I question if I truly don't believe in it or am I just pouting because I am as old as I am and haven't met that person? Or I did and blew it off?

The fact is I can't imagine myself with anyone else.

But "soul mates?"

I don't know.

Tell me your thoughts on this folks! I'm merely curious to know what you all think of soul mates - do you believe in it or not?

She gets weary

I'm weary.

I'm so far past tired that I no longer care.

The reasons don't change though the percentage of issue does.

The bottom line is I need to recupperate. I need a vacation. I need to not think about work for more than 24 - 48 hours.

There's another change in there that I need also, but it's too many layers above my control.

The weariness comes from me though. I haven't figured out a way to deal with the minutiae of my job and then explain it to my boss and again to the lead PM.

But I don't wish to talk about this.

The weariness is 50% work and 50% personal.

I spoke to a friend of mine who is Holistic healer. Quite renowned as it turns out.

I mentioned that I don't sleep well, since my best friend started seeing the doctor, and that I am dealing with situational blood pressure spikes. Doctor doesn't want it medicated at this point. But wants it watched and monitored.

She gave me an herbal concoction, don't ask me what it's called as I don't recall, but it is in a vodka base - yum.... Anyway. It was an interesting discussion as she explained what it was and what it did and how it worked. It was for emotional stresses. stresses of the heart. One of the herbs was nicknamed skullcap and the teacher she had described it as a hug for your head.

I loved that.

So I have this mixture and I am trying it tonight. I'm a little bit emotionally overcharged tonight. I am not one to jinx myself so no details right now.

The point being, I do not want to add meds if I don't have to. If this doesn't work, there are energy workups that can be done. I love her though, before we got there, she said " now this is where we get into the 'woo woo' stuff" I almost laughed in her face..... It was cute.

Other than the weariness, my overall outlook is positive. I need to weariness to go away. I miss my energy and I miss my optimism even though I am not down or anything - I am definitely positive I just am not as optimistic as I could be.

I'm actually tired and I am hoping to be able to sleep tonight.

When you're up you're UP

I was flying yesterday.

Not literally but I might as well have been.

I spent the day with my best friend at Jenna's house. We discussed the latest events and are excited about them. we played music for the twins and sang. we had coffee and talked. It was relaxing and fun.

Then I came home and got ready for my gig. It was amazing. I had so much fun. I sang "Fly me to the moon", "The way you look tonight", "The lady is a tramp", "let's fall in love", "Almost like being in love", "Can this be love", "Till there was you", "Somewhere", "Memory" ( I hate that one), "the Girl from Ipanema" and for my main number I did "At long last love".

It was wonderful.

You know what made it wonderful? My Best Friend showed up after his gig. That meant a lot to me. I took him around the room to say hello to all of our friends. He told me I looked beautiful. We caught up with everyone, had our picture taken. We were both offered another gig at this church's pasta-rama in February.

He has more tests today. I am still concerned but he has some antibiotics that they are hoping may help. I am thinking that this is some kind of infection and hoping that's all it is. Praying actually. A lot, hard and often.

He has seen the doctor and the doctor has seen him

Perverse as the universe is, I have some news.

My best friend called, and he saw the doctor. He is not yet ready to discuss it, but will tell me tomorrow morning.

Until then, all I know is that tests are not yet conclusive, nothing was prescribed for the pain and the lump on his neck is now connected to the pain in his ear.

I will worry this one through tonight until I know. I am trying to not to leap to conclusions or imagine the worst.

I have some heavy praying to do. I'm scared for him.

Gold Dust at my feet

I've snapped out of it. All of it.

Here's the last few days in a recap:

My best friend came and stayed a couple of more days with me, it was entirely lovely AND I didn't freak out. In fact I did a load of laundry, the dishes and conducted my normal business as if he wasn't here. The housekeeper came and cleaned with him here too.

I realized that I needed to chill. I'm getting better at this. I'm happy about it.

We both have gigs on Friday so we can't see each other perform. Ah such is the life of musicians.

I attended the vigil service on Tues and the wake on Wed for Ella's mom. It was heartbreaking and happy all in one. She and I are going rekindle our friendship, its all still there. It's lovely and it makes me so happy.

I spent some quality time with my God Daughter at the wake, she is now 15 and beautiful. I helped her pick a song for Vocal Jazz auditions in school. We had a lovely time. I missed her so much and she has grown up so lovely.

When I came home both nights, my best friend was still here. It was entirely lovely.

My oldest friend sounds OK and that makes me happy but she's got a long haul on her hands.

My other friend Lily has decided to try marriage again. Given my stress level on the subject, her optimism is infectious and I fund myself smiling and happy for her. I was at the last one, so was my best friend for that matter, and we are invited to this small but elegant affair in Newport RI. Black tie, hotel room comped for the night, I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun and I am so happy for her.

We have a number of formal events coming up and I am thrilled because he is coming with me!

I feel like I am walking on air now. Things turn around so quickly in this world. I am happy. Generally speaking, happiness prevailed because in front of her mother's casket, Ellan and I sat and talked for half an hour. We have always had each other's lives in the focus through mutual friends, but we haven't talked until I called her in Dec. We missed each other and it was like not a day had passed. I hate keeping up with Liz through her babysitter but I was out of options. Now I don't have to.

My best friend was doing his sound engineering in the city working doubles which means home at 2-3AM and up again and on the train by 6AM for another day of it. He ha a couple of weeks of this leading up to 9-11 when he went in to see his friends from the morgue of 9-11. Every year they meet and go to the service together then to mass at St Pat's. Then he came to me. Contrite for not calling which is unacceptable.

Things are going so much better for me. I even lost 3 lbs of the superficial weight gain.... Yay me - 3 more to go!

Better but still weepy

I am in a general malaise.

If I'm honest with myself, it's the absence of my best friend for 10 days but who's counting?

Be that as it may. I am sad about Ella's mom. She was a dynamic performer, she was a forthright person - a little bit domineering but we'll call that the mother gene. That and she's British.

Grateful she's not in pain, but sad that she's gone. Something she always said to me came to mind today. She was raised Catholic during WWII. She didn't attend the catholic church - or any church after she moved to this country in 1970. When I asked her about that she told me that she couldn't believe in a God that would allow such a horrible war to go on and ravage her home, her family and her country.

She didn't really give up though. I know she didn't. She's at peace now. And no longer in pain and that's the main thing.

Last night while writing my post, I was seriously at the point of canceling all appts, rehearsals, lessons, pretty much everything are about, on a permanent level.

I just wanted out of my current existence. I'm tired. Bone tired. of everything.

I can't blame my best friend for this either.

It's my job. I am at the point where I hate going to work each day. I hate no matter what I do, it's not right. Or it is right, and I need to be criticized anyway just because.

I hate having my marching orders handed to me at 8:30 AM every day. Evidently I am too stupid to know what is a priority or not.

I am sticking it out as best as I can. But at some point I will need to make a decision. To stay or to go. I think we can all agree that I am not good at that kind of decision.

Additionally I am now at a point that I am seriously considering whether or not I ever want to get married. I am fairly sure that I do. In fact I am positive that I do. But divorce scares me. Being a child of divorce, with very few scars really, the idea of marriage and the work it entails is attractive, but scary. And I am dealing with friends who are on their first and second divorces and re-marriages. That's scary too. Honestly, I am starting to understand some of their reasons better. But divorce in any capacity just makes me cry. Every time, no matter whose it is. Because I see it as the end of a bad fairy tale.

Oh come on, I don't view marriage as a fairy tale. What kind of idiot do you take me for?

Seriously though. In a way, the end of a marriage I feel like it's the end of a life in a sense. and it is, It's the end of your life with that person. Now if they were abusive to you or your children in any way, divorce is the kindest thing that can happen. But just generally, it's so sad that my family and friends go through this that I grieve for them and the life together that they had.

So surely you can understand my fear of marriage is based on my experience with divorce. I think Shirley MacLaine said it best in Rumor has it.

"If the marriage implodes, divorce. You haven't lived fully till you've experienced one of those".

So that saddens me. I make no secret of the fact that I want to get married and who I want to marry. I have no time table either.

I am feeling a little bit better about Friday night. I have a good accompanist and so I am really happy that it will go well.

So what am I doing to combat this you may be asking yourself.

Well in the area of my best friend, I'm waiting it out. We'll discuss the absence/communication issues when I see him and I will then explain to him why I am afraid the relationship will change and how communicating helps me keep that on par. But I'm not saying anything till we are in person.

In the area of my friends mom, I am going to the funeral on Wednesday. I need to pay my respects and say goodbye. I will go to the wake on Tuesday night as well so I can see my God-daughter.

In the area of my job, I'm just waiting it out for now. I don't know how long I can stand it but I'm going to try.

As far as the divorce/marriage thing: I just need to get my head out of my ass, be supportive to those who need it and not assume the cloak of responsibility for it.

I'm really not depressed, just sad becacuse things are backing up at one time. I'll be fine, I appreciate the concern and caring.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.

I'm crying and I don't even know why

I was sitting at the computer just about 40 minutes ago putting in an order for tomorrow.

I ran into a snag, nothing life threatening or critical, but it sent me into uncontrolled, inconsolable sobs.

It's not over, it's just resting right now.

Today was a weird day. It's been 9 days since I have heard from my best friend. It's stressing me out on a number of levels - none of them new:

• I told him something about me that he didn't know. I am afraid it scared him. He wa sreally supportive but it could cause him to view me in a way that would both surprise and hurt me.
• Or our relationship is changing and not for the better. He no longer needs me and as moved on to other things. This one scares me the most
• Or he's taking me for granted
• Or it could be the real thing that i don't know what it is.

Then there is a friend of mine whose mom we prayed for today at church. She died later today. I know her mom well, this was heartbreaking. But for the best as she was so sick.

Then there is my oldest friend who passed on some bad news today of her own.

Then there is my high level of burnout and the fact that I am so far behind but only care because I am getting yelled at.

I have to learn 15 songs by Friday.

I went to the first rehearsal of my group and am unhappy at this time. I love the new director but have discoverred that the mismanagement of the board has really turned me off. I am looked down on because of who my dad is and that kills me. The man is dead - let him rest in peace.

When I itemize like this, I see the reasons make sense. When it was just the problem with my best friend, I wasn't thrilled, but giving space is OK and I could make my peace with that.

The burnout and dread of Monday mornings makes me so physically ill it actually raises my blood pressure on Sunday nights by 20 points.

I was doing so great this morning. I am really not in a good place.

The dilemma

I have been invited to sing at a dinner dance.

It's the same one I went to a year ago. Only this time, I was invited to perform.

The dilemma, the title of this post, is in choosing a song.

I needed to pick something age appropriate ( average age is going to be older than my parents), something known but maybe not mainstream, topic of love, peace and kind of hoo ha.

I picked 3 standards with the help of my friend Professor Higgins. Pun intended - it was his favorite role.

• Can this be love - performed most notably by Rosemary Clooney
• At long Last love - performed most notably by Sinatra, Bennett, Ella Fitzgerald, Dean Martin - pick the one you like and that's the tune. Also used in the movie Return to me
• Almost like being in love - Again performed by the same list above but written for Brigadoon the musical written by the same clowns who wrote Wicked.

I waffle between them as the tunes come to me.

Today is D day. I have to have a decision by noon. So I am taking them to my coach. Then to the accompanist and my trusted collegues and finally to my mom.

Wish me luck

The comedian

I went to a fund raiser this evening.

A local Comedy club hosted it for us and I can tell you that I have not laughed so hard in my whole life.

I forgot how much fun stand up can be.

I was particularly entertained by the young lady. She was my age give or take 5. Greek, degree from an ivy league in finance, had the big Wall street job. A younger Nia Vardolos if you will.

I was actually worried that she was going to spin off Nia's comedy. Ethnically speaking, there were similarities, of course, but this woman was no spin off.

She was very funny, very down to earth. Some poor half Greek 20 year old dboy sat right up front and announced his Greekness to her.

She asked to see his immigration card.

Then proceeded to call him "Fake Greek boy" for the rest of night.

She was so funny. Spoke of her family who is horrified that she is single. Stole the coin of good luck that her 5 year old nephew got in the cake on New Years, because she needed the luck more than he did - and graphically explained it to him.

I enjoyed the night. My face and sides hurt from laughing. We made a nice chunk of change. Which is good as we are in the red right now.

I have a dermatologist appointment tomorrow. I need to refill everything more or less. and I want to talk about scars and stretch marks and the redness on my upper lip.

My blood pressure is running low and I like that. I had a potassium deficiency and in less that 5 days I see a difference in my blood presure and I'm not suffering side effects so it clearly is a deficiency.

I am feeling good.

Human and Spiritual Values

After 3 years as the Chairperson of Inter-clubs it was time to give it up.

The job description isn't horribly difficult: to create an inter-club 4 members must visit another club in their district for an entire meeting or event.

We are supposed to have one for every club in the district. We like to make these up at installations as they are blacktie events that start in the beginning of our fiscal year so we can usually get a lot of them out of the way. Also because the district Lt Governer counts as one person of the 4 so we then only need to pull 1 member as the President and Secretary tend to be present at most of these.

After this season is over the first week of November, it gets very difficult for me to personally participate and that makes it hard for me to get people to do it.

I try to make it fun, I steal items from other clubs and ransom them back to their rightful owners. This forces the other club to interclub at one of our events. It's all done in fun. I once took a bell, put a blindfold on it, took a picture and emailed it. What a hoot!

But honestly, I can't do it any more. My schedule is getting more prohibitive rather than less.

So when our president, going into her second term, asked for chairs to be selected, I chose Human and Spiritual Values.

This job description seems to fit what I have been doing of late better:

To implement projects that support spiritual development, provide human companionship and comfort. Projects can encourage interfaith and interdenominational religious activity, such as prayer, but should not support a specific religious sect. Popular projects include layman of the year awards, transportation to religious services, visits to nursing homes and support of grief counseling. Would give the invocation and blessings at Club Functions.

With the exception of the blessings, I do most of these things on an individual contributor level. Chairing a committee for this shouldn't be a problem. The only issue was that the person who did last year is still on the board this year.

I was lucky though, she didn't want it. She wants to do more with children. I just knew it was a sign that I was going to get this committee.

Since I have to chair one thing, this is an easy one for me. And I like doing it.

I never saw such an eager group of folks though. We were clamboring over each other to take committees.

I have really high hopes for this year as a whole. I am also going to be sad because at some point in this year best friend's brother is going to die. His expectancy is low at this point so it's just a matter of time. I'm mentally setting my own expectations here. And preparing for the really hard work in the next 1-3 years after.

Hopefully this will give me some help.

call me CLUELESS

You know, I've never thought of myself as clueless, but maybe I am.

Here's the thing.

I was alerted to a situation involving one of my friends last night. It was a moment for me that really brought some clarity to my existence.

It occurred to me, in that moment, that I have not been the best friend that I could be of late.

Not that I am doing badly. I don't think we've crossed into that realm yet. But I could use some improvement. Hey at least I am not "openly hostile". Ha ha ha.

So I took some actions and apologized. I am feeling badly because I love this friend very much and we've been through so much together.

Then it occurred to me that, outside my immediate circle, I may have been less than available of late. Being honest with myself, my life has become comprised of work, teaching, my best friend and sleep. The filler time includes some form of food, exercize and socializing/errands/appts. There is very little time for anything spontaneous.

And this is in the summer. Fall just started. My availability is going to decrease further as the performing groups I belong to start rehearsal.

For those of you who need me and I am not being good about noticing the signs, please email/call/Instant message me. I am going to try hard to pay better attention to those that I love, but in case I miss it, please clue the clueless blond in! I will drop what I am doing, make time, whatever and you all know that!

So, in short, I am going to try and be better.

The Plan:Month 8

• Scenario 1 - Health Exercise: My Blood Pressure spent 2 weeks on the crazy high side. Upon further analysis from a doctor and nutritionist, I am suffering from extreme stress and a lack of potassium. Who knew? I started taking a potassium supplement in addition to eating 1 banana for breakfast every morning. other than that, the weight continues to chink down slowly but surely. We are around the 25 lb mark at this time and I have the clothing size differential to prove it. I am doing Pilate's moves every day but am planning to step up the process by going back to walking every morning. I'm planning to add more strength moves in 2 weeks. I am making an appointment with the dermatologist soon to renew allergy meds.
• Scenario 2 - Job/Career- It's better, not wonderful. Leader was clearly spoken to and is being more reasonable, however this may not be a long term solution. My review was funny. He came all the way out here to give me my mid year and the reality was - he didn't come out here for me. He came out here to go to the US open. The worst possible time too, A/C was broken in the building. Project is almost wrapped up. I'm taking another vacation at the end of Sept. I need the down time seriously.
• Scenario 3 - My home - New A/C arrived. I'm very excited. It's not installed yet, but I'm working on it. I need to start fall cleanup. I LOVE the fall and I seriously can't wait to start seriously cooking my soups and stews and entertaining again. It's very much my favorite season. So I am going to be in an organizational mode over the next few months.
• Scenario 4 - finances - Things are looking up. I'm very pleased with it overall. I'm even planning to go back to the original plan for Christmas of being everyone a gift rather than secret Santa.
• Scenario 5 - Education - School starts on Wednesday. Kids should be going back to their schedules and I should be in better shape. I am personally singing at a black tie event in 2 weeks and then again at my own installation in October. I'm working hard and planning a recital in roughly a year with my voice twin.
• Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - My family is still amazing. My newest nephew is absolutely precious. He smiles now. My newest niece is a real prize - she's got the best sense of humor, she crawls, and is valiantly trying to walk. She loves to play and giggle and really likes her voice. I was lucky to have an entire day with the two of them to myself this past weekend. My mom is going to babysit with Anna banana next weekend while my brother and SIL, J and Rae, go to a wedding out here. It should be great fun for my mom. My friends are awesome. We just did the girls August birthdays at the beach. It was entirely lovely. The next set of birthdays is going to be weird, I have one in October, one in November, my best friend in December and another in January. I traditionally do the January one. But I also now do the December one. It's going to be busy and interesting.
• Scenario 7 - Self esteem - Higher than it's been in a while. I am feeling more secure than I have in awhile and I think we all know why. I spend a lot of time on the topic here but this post is largely about the status of ME so I don't want to get into that here. I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing all the things that I know I need to do for myself and then some. I'm happy.
• Scenario 8 - Spirituality - I took the majority of the summer off from church attendance. For a variety of reasons. Primarily I had conflicts out of town, but the ones when I was here, I needed the rest and the ability to not have to look at people that I have known my entire life and tell them that everything is wonderful and fine when it wasn't. So I just avoided the entire place for the balance of time I wasn't able to go and I am now ready to go back next week. I miss it too. I have been praying every day, thanking God for the miracles and blessings provided to me.

Today is labor day. I took today off. I slept the majority of the day. I am still tired. But I feel good. My BP has been in low range all day which is lovely for me. Today is my day, I am not nervous or stressed about work tomorrow. I feel rested, relaxed and calm. I am happy and content.

Playing House

A short while ago I wrote a post about when I was a little girl. I referred to some of the games that I enjoyed playing back then. Playing house was one of my favorite favorite activities and I was ALWAYS the mother.

I had my own play kitchen, I had a china tea set ( which I still have) and my dad had built me a china closet for that tea set. I loved this game. I made my friends be the other members of the houshold and supplemented with dolls and stuffed animals when needed.

As I grew up, the idea of playing house was starting to morph as people started moving together. It took on a different connotation. Not a negative one per se, but a different one. It started when my now step dad moved in with us when I was 9. They didn't marry until I was 12. Thus they lived together with us kids ( 5) until that time. It was my mom who didn't want to get married. She was afraid that their relationship would change with marriage.


Other than room - mates, I have never "lived" with someone I was involved with for anything longer than a long weekend and I was in my early 20's at the time. To be honest I am not entirely comfortable with the idea as it leaves an escape hatch if you will.

My experience with "playing house" as a grown up is very different now. I have managed and maintained a household just for me and the pets that I had. I know what it's like when an appliance dies and needs to be replaced, how the bills need to be addressed, doing laundry and food shopping. All these things that need to be handled. At my pace and my schedule.

The operating words, right? My pace and my schedule.


So, earlier this week, my best friend and I trialed more than 1 day together in a row with no one leaving. Two whole days in fact.

I have to say that it was an unplanned event. He arrived one night, a mutual friend stopped by while he was here, because I forgot completely that she was stopping by to drop something off. Providence though - We all needed to discuss a fund raiser she is trying to set up and it worked perfectly that she came here while he was. We had wine and cheese and talked and laughed.


When she left, we watched some movies and relaxed. It was a lot of fun. I had a full work day the next day so I didn't give this a lick of thought. I ended up in my office 2 times this week instead of 2 times a year...

The next morning I got up, showered and tiptoed around a bit so as not to wake him while I got ready to go to work. Fully expecting him to be gone when I arrived home.

I was late in getting home as I had a follow up almost immediately with one of my engineers. I walked in and saw his reading glasses still on the coffee table and almost laughed out loud. I was so surprised - pleasantly - that he was still here.

We spent the day puttering around the house, I worked, he put the groceries away, I worked, he fixed the shower drain. I worked some more, he took a nap, we had dinner, he brought in my air conditioner from the UPS Man. He wasn't feeling so well, so we took it easy and relaxed the evening away. Then we went to bed.

The next morning, we sat with coffee, he checked his messages for the first time in 2 days on his cell, right in front of me, on speakerphone. Nothing to hide.

It was entirely lovely.

But.

The last night, by about 10PM, I noticed that I was getting fidgety. I knew my housekeeper was coming the next day and I needed to pick up and fold laundry. Two problems, I didn't want to because I was exhausted. Secondly it felt rude. Hence my problem.

I was feeling claustrophic, and it wasn't about him. I love him and I would happily spend every second with him. So this was weird.

Upon further reflection it occured to me that I couldn't relax the second night because I didn't want him to feel like he was in the way and I had things I needed to do. I am not at the point where I can do normal day to day chores in front of him because I am still in "entertaining " mode.

Well, it's new. To a degree. it has the potential to develop further but then again we are at too early of a stage for it.

I'm a creature of habit and have lived alone for a long time. I want to share my life with him. I will happily make those accommodations, but when we are ready for it.

We are still talking and sharing. I told him a really important, insanely personal secret that less than 5 people in world know about. His reaction was absolutely sweet and supportive and slightly comical. He was touched that I mentioned it, understanding that he is very limited company.

It was an important trial and a good one I think. Was it perfect? no.

But it didn't suck.