"Agnostic". It's not a dirty word

Agnostic:
One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism.
One who is doubtful or noncommittal about something.

Word History: An agnostic does not deny the existence of God and heaven but holds that one cannot know for certain whether or not they exist. The term agnostic was fittingly coined by the 19th-century British scientist Thomas H. Huxley, who believed that only material phenomena were objects of exact knowledge. He made up the word from the prefix a-, meaning "without, not," as in amoral, and the noun Gnostic. Gnostic is related to the Greek word gnōsis, "knowledge," which was used by early Christian writers to mean "higher, esoteric knowledge of spiritual things"; hence, Gnostic referred to those with such knowledge. In coining the term agnostic, Huxley was considering as "Gnostic's" a group of his fellow intellectuals—"ists," as he called them—who had eagerly embraced various doctrines or theories that explained the world to their satisfaction. Because he was a "man without a rag of a label to cover himself with," Huxley coined the term agnostic for himself, its first published use being in 1870.

-American Heritage Dictionary

In my many extensive discussions with Jon, some our hot topics include religion and politics. Not surprisingly, given the state of our union and upcoming election, the conversations have increased of late.

In an effort to blow off steam, he joined a discussion group online for agnostics. He himself is a Unitarian universalist with socialist background and is a self proclaimed agnostic. He jokingly says things like "I don't have to believe in God because She believes in me" It's meant to be cute and usually stops ridicule and persecution in it's tracks. He had extensive religious education in his congregation ( which he still attends) and was basically told, "we've provided you the education,now you need to decide what it is you want to do with it."

I am an Episcopalian convert from Methodist. Born and raised in an interesting religious fashion, my mom was Lutheran by proximity - meaning, my grandmother had no specific denomination and my grandfather was Catholic. The only church that was within walking distance to their home that was NOT catholic ( the ONLY religious qualification my grandfather had incidentally) was Evangelical Lutheran. Hence my mom and Aunts were raised Lutheran. It wasn't strict and to be fair to the family - it's more the pomp and circumstance of the service and the sense of community that brought them there than it was the religion itself.

My dad was Methodist. Very religious family. Very protestant. Bible study, church school, Bible sewing circle etc. He actually toyed with becoming a minister in the latter part of his life.

I grew up learning about prayer and faith from my dad. It was very important to him, his relationship with God. He stopped the relationship when my parents divorced. He blamed God and ignored the relationship and presence. After his marriage to my step mom, he converted to Episcopal and rediscovered that relationship and nurtured it till the day he died.

I pray every day as if God were in the room with me and we were having a conversation. But I spend a lot of time as well, questioning existence. Is he really there? Is he a he? Is Jesus his actual son? Is it even likely that Mary was a virgin? These are questions that I ask myself often. I find that from a logical perspective, these questions have no answer that is readily available. Certainly not one based on facts.... just on faith. Which brings me to a bigger question. But First, more rationalizing....

The bible, is a set of stories and messages. Parables and Gospels and the like, My problem with the Bible is that in it's current form, it was assembled centuries later and was edited by Constantin and his cronies. We all know that history is written by the winners right? Edited? Does that mean there are stories and Gospels that didn't make the cut?

So, I set out in search of these things. I read The Gospel according to Judas and Thomas and Mary. I watched programs on the history channel, I researched on line. I spent time in the library. I attended other Church's and faiths.

The point being that I WANT to believe that God is who I think He/she is. I WANT to believe in these parables and Gospels. I just know that if I am to be the person that I am, I need to continually question until I find the answers that are satisfactory to my soul. But not just my soul. They also need to satisfy my intellect.

On that subject, I will say I have a fairly high IQ. It's not a superior intellect to be certain and it's not terribly extraordinary. What I bring to the table is my extensive patience to research and look for answers that are consistent with the nature of the question on the table. I am not satisfied with commentary like "Because that's how it's always been done" though there are instances where that is accurate and does suffice it should not ever be the starting point.

I can't say that I don't have faith. I won't tell you that I don't believe. I will tell you that in the definition of Agnostic in it's classic sense as quoted above, I fit that definition.

However - there are many kinds. Jon would be a Militant Agnostic. He is prepared to defend his choices and beliefs as well those of his loved ones to the mat. He looks for proof and meaning. He is a bit of a bull in china shop at times and detests proselytising in any form. He looks for the fight to prove his right to be that Agnostic in a country where "under God" was added to our non religious precious government documents in the 1950's. He believes that everyone should have the right to pray or NOT to pray. He believes in respect for all religious beliefs or NON beliefs.

That's just him being militant and I love that about him. We need rattlers and shakers. I am not that person. I am the person who does the research and hands the factoids to the militant to use in their battles.

So here's my main point. My main reasons are really quite personalized to me. The reality is that I do not trust that many people to start with. People are fallible. I love my family and my friends with every fiber of being, but occasionally they let me down. Worse yet - I let THEM down at times as well. Given that little piece of humanity, how on earth am I expected to believe in something unseen, and unproven?

My Mom is a little agnostic herself. She raised us to be good people, with good values, to be altruistic, help others, not to break laws, to be respectful of others, and to be tolerant and accepting of everyone's differences.

Being an Episcopal Agnostic means one thing to me. That I worship in the episcopal religion as my choice because I feel comfortable there. Also I worship there because I believe that in order to gain the answers I seek, one cannot sit on the sidelines and complain, ridicule or criticize. You have to be in it to win it. You have to participate in order to gain understanding, answers or... dare I say it? Faith.

I don't know if I can find the answers. I don't know if they do or do not exist. What I do know is that I will persevere in my own way. If I need help along the way, I ask for it. I discuss these things with my priest often and I sift through them regularly.

Being an Agnostic isn't really a bad thing. It means asking questions and seeking answers. You can believe that a God exists and by being agnostic, seeking the means to prove that to YOURSELF. However that proof comes to fruition. The beauty of this is, what is proof to one, is blasphemy to another.

That's what makes the freedom of religion that our country was founded on so prescient. It's a cornerstone and a foundation of our country that needs to be protected.

I'm not a political person, I happily leave that to Jon. He's political enough for the both of us. But I can and will say that we need to be a little bit more defined in our separation of church and state. And make sure that those things that are in the "grey" area are handled to a reasonable and lawful conclusion.

At the same time, I really want people to understand the use of the word "tolerance". Tolerance is defined by the Random House Dictionary as:

1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.

I am, at times, concerned that we, as a country, don't show enough of this.

So I leave you with this. Asking questions isn't bad. It's smart. Educated people who ask questions can also be people of faith. Tolerance is the act of allowing people to ask questions of their governing and religious choices. Being educated, I finally discovered this about myself and I felt a little strange at first and Jon, knowing how that would be, talked me down a bit. Once I got comfortable with it, we were able to really talk about how we felt from a religious standpoint. A very meaningful and pivotal point for us.

Agnostics are not bad people - just folks looking for answers or better yet - looking for that one thing that will enable them to have faith that there is a God.

Cleansing

This topic is not for the feint of heart.

I am on day 6 of a 7 day internal cleanse.

THis is not my first round with this sort of thing, but it is my first round with this particular product.

I will tell you that this one was fairly difficult on me. At least the first 3.5 days were. There was some discomfort in the first few days. I had a skin rash on my chest and was moving into the bathroom.

Once I turned the corner of day 3, I discovered that my skin had cleared up, my weight had dropped dropped, I was able to move out of the bathroom and felt amazing.


My body righted itself officially on Day 4 and has maintained through Day 6 ( today). The only thing I am feeling now is occasional gas pain but that passes naturally and with only slight quesiness.

Now I know you are all scratching your head in wonderment thinking "for all the bad synptoms this cleanse imparts WHY DO IT? "

Simple - better to have those symptoms for a few days and be productive about ridding my body of the crap ( in some folks case - literally) and replace with the good, then let it sit inside me and fester.

I have hydrated more than I ever did in my life - and again for those that know me that really is saying something because I drink so much water I should float.

Niot being a stranger to cleansing, this one was entirely botanical and all natural. It was in liquid form and I will be doing this one week a month in the future to keep myself in the "clear". I feel so much better.

THe cleanse that I started internally on the physical level I wanted to continue on the psychological and emotional levels as well. So, on "our" mutually agreed day off from one another, I went to the beach yesterday. I did not walk - I read my book and sat on a bench in the sun. I got myself a neat starter tan ( not bad for the end of the season) I felt fabulous when I got home.


From an intellectual standpoint, Jon and I have been discussing a lot of politics and religious views lately. He belongs to an Agnostic site and reads me all the posts and his responses. He is supportive of my beliefs and he wants to attend my services with me one day. We have spent enormous amounts of time on this lately - what with the presidential race going in earnest. We are at the point where we are starting to finish each others sentences and read each others minds a bit.

Last night when he arrived home, he mentioned that he ran into some of his fans from one of hte bars he played in. It has since been sold, and they have kept a lot of the original staff. He wants to go down there this coming weekend and spend some time. He wants to invite everyone who normally goes to hear him play. Then he suggested that he wanted to be magnanimous and invite the whore and her boyfriend to come too.

I was confused as to why that would be "Magnanimous". His explanation was that she is wary of him. Wary of having the two men around one another so she limits it. I think that this is odd and I comment to that effect. He then said she no longer emails or calls him, unless he initiates it.

I said "take the hint".

He didn't understand. I said that when she came to the hospital I noticed a change in her behaviour. One that makes me VERY comfortable with her now. He looked at me and said, "I knew something was too good to be true there".

I just explained that the fact is that she shut that door and moved on to the next phase of her life. It appears to be a life in which she is leaving him behind, hence her behaviour towards me in the positive.

He was quiet and then commented calmly that he is happy for her if that is what she wants. He has said time and again that he can't trust her to be anything more than a friend and not even a close one at that, but that part of him wasn't entirely ready to let go. Now it looks like he has to.

I told him that it would be a nice gesture to invite the couple to come down and spend the evening with the crowd but don't expect her to jump at the opp. He agreed and we settled out a small guest list.

The fact is he is slowly rebuilding his life. well. Our life. I am allowed to make him dinner now. We are still negotiating sleeping habits but we are having activities together that take us outside the home. We are practicing music together which is great fun for both. We are building him back up. We are prepping for surgery. We are looking to make some major purchases.

I am almost afraid to let myself feel happy. But know it's right there on the edge.....

The little things

I realized, while riding in the car this afternoon, that this was really labor day weekend.

For Jon, this means nothing this year.

For me, it just means a day off work.

Overall, what I realized was literally how fast the summer passed us by. Not that we weren't busy, or paying attention. It just passed us by.


We were on our way to the movies. It's a big day for us. I commented that we hadn't been to a movie in the theater - together - in almost 4 years. And I can tell you what it was and where we saw it. He laughed and proceeded to tell me what it was and where we saw it.


It tends to be the little things that count though.


The psychic mentioned that we would be making a large ticket expenditure together. I laughed because these days it seems that everything is.


But Friday we started looking at furniture together. Not dinky cheap stuff either. But we had to come to terms on a look. He likes modern and I like more of a "Bombay company" look. So we settled on Crate and Barrel.


I started a list of the items that we want to get. He was really into it. I was surprised.


The discovery that he feels unattractive and insecure was a real wakeup for me. Of course when I commented on it, I was told that my opinion is suspect as I was already in love with him. THat made us both laugh. True - but still funny.


When you are in the public eye as he is, with adoring fans falling at your feet, you don't need to go looking for adulation from outside sources. And with him, knowing that he is beloved makes it easier for him to be happy wiht himself and with me.


But he hasn't been. happy that is, and I blamed myself for awhile and still do in moments of weakness. We are starting to get out more and take care of socializing and the like. I am trying to be patient and gently nudge him along making him think it's his idea. But I am hitting my own insecure rough patches.


I walked 90 mins on the boardwalk the other night. I am also doing my pushups and situps at night. I am doing a Sea Spa Detox that was rough for the first 3 days but seems to be better today which is day 4. I have lost 4 lbs and my skin and hair look amazing.


Of course today my hair dryer burner out too... figures. Gotta buy a new one.


We have been drinking a glass of wine each night and he has a doctor appt wiht the renal doctore and then radiation to determine when he will have his surgery. The Tumor on the one side appears larger at this time - It was tender to the touch and hot since he had the PET scan.


I am back to prayer at night. Largely for him, and me. And us. But I also include the respective family and friends and things of the like. I did become an Aunt for the 8th time and will become an aunt for 9th in October.


I am afraid to be optimistic. But I can't afford not to be. I miss the old us.


He started talking to me about things in his marriage. Traditions and behaviours that worked that he would like to continue and things that didn't. Slowly slowly slowly.

I don't do slow.

But I'm trying.

Love has to fall somewhere short of suicide

I can't take credit for this quote but I like it. It speaks to me of love being a choice as suicide is. It's sarcastic of course which is totally me as well. Not that I am in any contemplating suicide now or ever - It's the extreme that speaks to me.

The fact is, When times are tough - you have to make an effort, no, a conscious choice at times to love one another. Some days that's easy and some days it's not.

It occurs to me that this psychic that I saw was not only dead on in what she told me then but how forward seeing it really was.

In the past few days we have had a tug o war going on.

The psychic said that the only way we move off our plateaus is to nudge each other along albeit under the guise of humor, and this one that we are on now will be no different. And I have a knack for making him think it's his idea.

And that is all true. And each time I get down about this stuff I look back on these words and realize that it's true.

Unfortunately we have a wrinkle. I feel very specifically unattractive. In the past 24 hours I have spent an enormous amount of money ( nearly 1000 dollars) to look and feel better about myself. And it isn't WORKING.

To be fair - this expenditure is a longterm solution so I am not balking at the cost right now. Normally I would be panicking in ways and means I cannot describe but these are solutions that will last for at least a year if not more. So it turns out to be less than 100 bucks a month which is reasonable to me.


These are things that will help my eczema, my weight loss, my overall health, I did have my hair done, a mani and pedi, waxing - you know girl stuff. Eyelash tint and curl - the whole nine.


And yet, when I got home I felt as fat and undesirable as ever.


So I looked at things that I need and I will be going to the beach and walking 4.5 miles 3 times a week. It makes me feel better and I like it there. Time permitting I will sit and meditate on the benches there too. If I time it right, I can do this from 7-8:30 MW and Thurs. Then home and dinner.

It's all I can do right now. I will add my core work in the evenings as well. We'll see after that.

The other thing is music. I know I keep saying it, but music brings us both back to the center. The center of what makes us well... us.

We watched Across the Universe tonight. It was amazing. Wonderful and poignant. He took out his guitar and we played and sang. We decided that he would do the vocal warmups I gave him and sing a couple of tunes per day. Even the callouses on his fingers have worn down so much it was a little bit painful to play. But we did and sang Beatles tunes. For 3 hours. It was wonderful.

He's interested in music again. That's something to thank God for.

Tomorrow he will be radioactive for a number of hours. He will be having a pet scan to determine his surgical options in a few weeks. This may well be the final phase we are moving into for remission.

Things can only go up from here.

So Close

You’re in my arms

And all the world is calm

The music playing on for only two

So close together

And when I’m with you

So close to feeling alive

A life goes by Romantic dreams will stop

So I bid mine goodbye and never knew

So close was waiting, waiting here with you

And now forever I know

All that I wanted to hold you

So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end

Almost believing this was not pretend

And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come

So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days

If I should lose you now?

We’re so close

To reaching that famous happy end

And almost believing this was not pretend

Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are

So close So close

And still so far

I have spent a lot of time lately mentioning this song. It's virtually the only thing I listen to these days too. I know that sounds obsessive and it's not. If you know me even a little - you know that when a piece of music touches me that much I can't get enough of it into my soul fast enough so I do what I can to bring it in with large doses until I can pour it back it out.

I can't begin to tell you how I keep thinking back to Sunday on the beach by myself. It's the memory attached to this song. My Sitting on the boardwalk, watching people, seagulls, volleyball, ocean, waves, sky, kites - all of it, It was so wonderful and so filling up the emptiness that I was starting to feel. And I Don't know why the emptiness and I Don't know why that solved it.

The Psychic echoed everything that was renewed in my soul the next day. I was scared and nervous because I honestly didn't know what she would say. But she said things I needed to know and things I needed to hear. All of them good.

The thing is - I DO believe in fairy tales. Anyone who reads this who knew me as a child KNOWS I WAS THE FREAKING PRINCESS. I had the crown. I had the dresses and the shoes. I HATED to get dirty.

Evey birthday party that I had, I had some kind of birthday crown. Seriously. Ask my mom. I had the dresses- never pink though. Still am not crazy about it.

I believed in the prince, the magical wedding and happily ever after. Hell I GOT up at 4AM to watch Prince Charles marry Diana. My step mom and I both did. And I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. Not then, not now, not ever.

That's not all - sometimr in my early 20's my parents and my sister and I went to Europe. On our 4th day there - we got on a train and went from Amsterdam to Brussels and somehow managed to get into the Coronation procession of the prince being upgraded King.

HOwever, somewhere between my early 20's and now - fairy tales died, happily ever after got lost somewhere in the other county and princes and princesses? Seriously? come on.

Here's the part of the story that you may or may not know.

10 years ago, Jon and I broke off things - seemingly permanent. I went to the bar where he worked and basically handed him a letter that said "get your head out of your ass - you know we are meant to be together and that we are perfect together. I knew it when you arrived at the wedding a YEAR before and I knew you were divorced without anyone telling me"

I look back on that and realize that as much as I say I don't believe in soul mates, he's it. I can tell you that till the cows come home ( and that would be a neat trick since we don't have any cows and live in a high rise),but the bottom line is as bad as things have been and things can be, We are soul mates.

So I guess I do believe in them after all.

Happily ever after? We'll see about that.

My reading

I had my third psychic reading ever on MOnday night.

My first one was done by a hack. It was 40 dollars and an hour I have yet to get back. and sorely miss.

The second one I went to was ironically free and 15 minutes long. Evidently there is a line up on the "other side" or the "heavenly layer" looking for me back then. I recieved messages from Mark, Tim and my dad in that order. I gave this woman NOTHING to work with - not one thing - and she recieved this info.

So I was trepidacious as I walked into Starbucks. I bought my coffee, turned around and saw her. I knew it was her and she knew it was me.

I sat down and we talked a bit. Largely about who she is, what she does and how it works. She knew I was a teacher but that was it.

She did some opening prayers which were nice actually. She then talked about validations and how we do that.

So she tunes into me, and asks me if I am having trouble with my hips. I was a little surprised, because the night before I was unable to sleep due Sciatic pain. I didn't tell anyone but Jon.

Then she commented about my stomach - yes it's in knots and I hold my emotional stress there but that's recent. I used to hold it between my shoulders.

So we moved on. My dad kept telling her funny stories that were accurate. She finally stopped to verify that I knew who it was. I told her it was my dad and if he's not going to participate respectfully he can go away - she laughed. Then I told her "You know what - I'll do it" .

Then she told me she had an itchy scalp. That genereally happens when psychics "find each" other in a room. Oh and how long did I have the gift?

I tell her I am looking for insight into my romantic life and career.

So she starts by asking me if there is a Sagittarian in my life. I tell her yes, then she has me shuffle cards and lays out the spread.

She had done some work with Chakra's earlier during the validation. She mentioned Yellow.

She turns up the first card. A Queen in yellow. Too funny.

I won't ID the cards or go through the entire reading but I will sum it up like this:

Jon and I are soul mates. And yes the heavens and stars all know neither of us buy into that, but there it is. This is long term and we are in it for the long haul.

We are at a plateau - the way we move past each plateau in our past, was to nudge each other along in a laughing joking kind of way. We will get past this one too.

We didn't have much in the way of courtship but that will change for the better.

I am evolving in a stronger and more nurtured and nurturing way.

I am in a growth cycle ( mid life crisis is the less nice term applied)

She knew the money was largely mine. THe house etc.

Career wise - I hate my job. I know what she's going to say already. My job has the potential for a better change down the line in April of 2009.

I walked away for the first time in a long time feeling so amazingly good and happy about things. Largely because she was able to validate how I actually felt and was able to tell me what I knew in my heart was right. That despite the strife and struggle that we are going through there is something amazing on the other side.

We are so close, to that happy end.

I see dead people. ( just kidding - come one you had to see that one coming.)

Go to a place that will renew your soul

Today was an unusual day. I started out sleeping in a little as I have not been sleeping well the last few nights due to the issues with my eyes.

Once Up however, I made some coffee and had some breakfast while Jon did the crossword puzzle ( NYTimes - is there any other?). We chatted idly. Calm, relaxed, lovely.

His phone rang and his best buddy called. They were going to meet on the mile at his usual haunt. Now I want to go on record here. Part of our problem right now is that he has not been able to have a real social life since April. That means that he has not met a lot of my friends and vice versa. We all know about each other and in some cases have spoken on the phone, but never met. This one I met, once, a year or two ago for 10 seconds or less.

As I was leaving to go teach, he asked me if I wanted to meet the two of them down there. I was surprised and happy at this turn because it means he is feeling better. We agree that I will call him on his cell when I am heading back to town.

I teach my lesson and head back to town. I call him at 2 and tell him I am getting ready to come down there. I was less than pleased to hear, "Don't. I'm probably coming home soon and my buddy hasn't called me so they probably aren't coming". I hang up and go home. I'm not happy.

Because I do not believe him. I think he needs space and doesn't want me there, but doesn't know how to say it so I won't be mad. And this plan is working SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!! Because I changed my plans to do this. And he damn well knew it.

I start doing some housekeeping. It was after I had changed the cat litter and cleaned out the air purifier that it occurred to me that it was a stunning day here and why should I be in the house cleaning it when he is not worried about he condition of our home and out having himself a party. I literally left the vacuum where it was, picked up a book, a bottle of water, my journals and ipod and hopped in the car and drove to Long beach.

Where I sat on the boardwalk looking at the ocean. I scribbled in my journal - nonsense mostly. Then I read my book. And listened to my Ipod. And sat there, staring at the ocean, sailboats, freighters in the distance.

I spent a couple of hours there. A friend advised me on my trip to Long Beach not to dwell on the situation that caused me to go because that won't make it easier to address. So I didn't.

A song came on my Ipod from Enchanted. It's the academy nominated ( don't recall if it won ) "So Close". What a lovely song. But it made me think a bit. I listened to it a lot actually.

The words are not entirely pertinent but there is a wonderful phrase in the bridge,

"Oh how could I face the faceless days if I should lose you now? We're so close to reaching that famous happy end"

It made me think. Girls think about this stuff a lot. A lot a lot. From childhood, we are read fairy tales about the princess and some evil person and prince charming who rescues her. We watch films like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Snow White - all of them. Heck even the three feminine archetypes qualify here.

Happily ever after is NOT a phrase we do a lot with. We don't all know what it is, but as little girls we dream about it, and chase after it. Successful or not, cognizant or not, we go after the fated "Happily ever after" and only when it's UNSUCCESSFUL do we realize that we don't have it. When we do have it, only the fortunate recognize it.

My mom always says that while she loved my dad, she is currently married to and lucky enough to have had a second chance to have found her prince Charming. I envy her that.

For while I know that there are lots of challenges in their lives as people and as a couple, they have overcome some SERIOUSLY major obstacles to get where they are.

I suspect that what is happening to Jon and I is not necessarily bad, just us trying to find our footing as he recovers.

Here's why.

I was driving home from the beach, noticing that 3 hours had elapsed since I walked out of the house and hadn't heard a word from him. I was plugging my phone into the charger and noticed I had a voice mail. Phone hadn't rung, but reception is not so great on the parkway down there. I listen to it and it's him wondering where I am.

So I called him back and he tells me this big long story about how he was down there and his buddy showed up until his mom called and he needed to run errands for her into his brother's in Queen's blah blah. I was not terribly responsive at this point - handing out monosyllabic answers because I don't want to have this conversation on the phone. When he asks me where I was. I told him and he was quiet for a minute and then said,

"I wish I could have been there with you. "

One sentence. Stupid. But it made me cry. I am such a silly woman sometimes.

I hurry myself off the phone truly hoping he doesn't realize what that did - again only because I don't want to do it on the phone. In beach traffic.

When I got home, he says:

"Next weekend I want to try this again. You and my buddy and I will go to EB's. OK? "

"My movie buddy and I are going to see _____ movie on Friday - I want you to come- can you put it on the calendar?"

"Can the two of us go sit on the boardwalk together this week?"

I didn't know how to react. He's not any better at this than I am and he's got 12 years on me. I guess the thing I keep complaining about is communication, and I'm not doing it any more or any better than he is. In that regard I haven't figured out how to since he got sick. I used to know how to before that. I also realized that he knows - without being told - just how hard my life is right now. How many things are wrong and how just generally sad I feel. He can't do much, but he's trying to make things easier in smaller ways.

I did tell him not to say things that he has no intention of following through with just to make me happy for a moment. He was a little bit hurt that I thought that, but replied that he wasn't doing that. He was trying to merge our lives and today just didn't work out right. For either of us.

I got a much needed retreat to the beach though. It felt good in many ways to claim that bench and relax there in the sun and take in the sites ( some hot volleyball players were right in front of me!). IN many ways I perfer Long Beach to Jones Beach. It's got the nice boardwalk, parking is free and it's a little bit more "resort-ish". I felt like I was on vacation for 3 hours.

Boats, water,ocean, beaches. These are things I need to keep my soul soothed. I now realize that I am truly an east coast girl and don't take me more than 10-15 minutes away from my beach and ocean. I may not go often - but opening my windows and being able to smell the salt in the air means the world of difference to me. I love the ocean waves crashing, the sites, the sounds, the smells. If I could afford it, I would have a beach house. And be rest assured, when I win the lottery it will be done.

The fact is that the other night when I covered the boat cruise, I realized just how important a role this had in my life and how powerful it was. I stood on the bow of that boat, moving with the motion of the boat and the water, and I was momentarily at peace. Everything that bothers and troubles me was literally gone. I saw the sun set over the horizon and was absolutely awed by the site. I was thrilled to be under the draw bridge as it opened rather than on top waiting to be released to the other side.

So it was no great surprise that going there today was the right thing that my soul needed to renew. It was better than anything else that I could have done at that moment.

As for Jon, I recognize effort when I see it. This may not be happily ever after right now.... but there is so much potential that I think we can get there.

We're close. So close.

THe mid-life crisis part II

Sit back and get comfy, Because I seriously do not know how long this is going to take.

Honestly, this period of growth is more painful than the stagnated existence I was in.

But, I am trying to get in the spirit of the thing.

I signed up with Arbonne and am using the products and my face has never looked better.

I am paying ( still) dearly for a phone call I made last weekend to a friend in the midwest that upset me so terribly that I inflicted some major damage on myself afterward. So, needless to say, I am putting some of that behind me and trying to put myself outside the situation and look in.

Jon has realized that I am burning out at work and he's trying to take some pressure off me. He is now able to cover the food shopping in the house, so while I am physically doing the shopping, we're using his money for it. It's been a load off me in a lot of ways.

He also researched the Rec center we have here in town ( a GORGEOUS facility. I was amongst the first day campers there when it opened in the early 70's and my dad was teaching summer school ) and determined that we should both join as they have a full out gym, several pools, ice skating rink and 12 dollar Yoga classes. The annual membership is minimal.

We are both becoming members of the county museum here as well. Something we both like and enjoy. Likewise a work friend is a season ticket holder ( possibly THE BEST seats EVER) at lincoln center for the NY philharmonic and has generously offered the nights he cannot go to us.

Most everyone who knows me will say that I am doing a lot for someone else and not doing as much for myself in the past few months. And while I agree with that in some respects, my mind is all about me and the things I am not getting and not having done for me. Being me, I am not verbalizing those things. Largely so as not to aggravate the cancer ( my old joke - don't make it mad!) But those things turn into resentments and get compared to reality a lot and thus I get very hurt and eventually over time - I get angry.

I used to be better at this. Before the illness - I would just lob it back at him and have it out. I feel sort of powerless and protective that I should not get angry at him.

The reality is, he has cancer. He does not or did not have a lobotomy. He will make me insane, he will drive me mad and make me angry and I will do the same. He makes sure he verbalizes it to me, but I am scared. I am more afraid that the cancer will get worse and he will die. I would rather have here and alive and me be pissed at him, then him dead.

Of course, I was talking about leaving him until Monday night. I am quite sure that is not going to happen unless it is his choice and it's not.

We are talking about some more major investments together. I am writing my will and he will be doing his, though he has no material assets beyond the music gear ( do NOT kid yourself - its' worth more than my new car! ).

My GOSH - relationships are freaking TOUGH!. I work harder at this than I do at my actual job. Which I hate. my job that is.... lol

I have started journaling again to help me re-discover the new path that I am on. I am using a Goddess journal that I was given to help me on the journey. It's not easy but I feel better already.

Oh - I should add that he made me go to the doctor yesterday because my eye was not improving from what appeared to be an allergy related issue. I was unable to wear contacts, but it wasn't red or swollem - just uncomfortable. I have a condition called a deteriorating epithelial. It's not a big deal and nothing that isn't treatable, but the eye doctor is now convinced that my torn cornea's are part and parcel of this condition which is genetic. There is no pain from this just the umcomfortable feeling that something is in the eye.

The big joke for us both was that the solution is a sodium/saline ointment. So I have to put this in my eyes and he has to consume it. What a freaking pair. Also I can't see, he can't hear. Lovely.

He was so relieved and he researched it and discovered that it was truly not serious and the fix is really that simple. So he and the docs agree. Good.

Jon is making efforts that include me and what I want now too. This is a big change from a man who puts himself and his needs ahead of everyone in the world. He asked me to pick up dinner one night from the teh take-out place that I like - he does not. But he found some things on the menu that he can deal with and placed the order and had me pick it up on the way home. I was surprised.

He is a little vain - but then so am I and his vanity has been compromised with the disease. He doesn't feel attractive. It always surprises me. Because he's always attractive to me. So I finally told him that the other night. He should dodge a camera - he is a good looking man regardless of the cancer. But the reality is, he weighs less than I do now and he's 6'1. His hair is starting to thin and fall out from the chemo and he has no teeth. He does not feel strong, he tires easily and is generally in bed by 10. All strange and all odd for him. When I pieced together some things - I understand more. It doesn't make me like the situation more, but understanding really helps.

He researches the internet for news every day. He loves politics and is constantly reading the presidential race news to me. We watch baseball together and cheer the mets on. My dad would be so thrilled!

Anyway - stay tuned. Things are getting better.

Special thanks to Mrs. Jax and my Hil-Bil.

a mid-life crisis does NOT mean corvette's and hot chicks

At least not for most women.

For all people, A mid life crisis is simply an urban term assigned an evolution of your life. Moving into the next phase.

I have discovered that when I moved AWAY from the things that once defined me, I felt lost. Very lost.

I still feel lost and that's largely because I did not replace those things with more evolved things.

Cryptic - maybe. But wait.

When Jon had his "midlife crisis" he was and still is to a large extent battling fading youth. On the one hand - he wants his back badly, on the other he wants to slow down and stop working so hard to impress today's youth with how "hip" he is.

It's made life hard for both of us because I was the one who had my shit together and he did not.

My midlife crisis looks like this:

• My relationship with God, while fine and I pray daily, has had me away from my church for a few months - though I did manage to get to two OTHER churchs. I miss it but I have very conflicted feelings about going back. Until they are identified and negotatiated I can't attend my own church. It's nothing personal - it's me and a professional obligation.
• my relationship with Jon is still uneven - though much better and improved. It's just not as settled and stable as I would like.
• My house is a mess. Literally. More so than even I can deal with.
• My relationship with myself is a problem. I am overly critical of myself. I am not taking any more care of myself than I absolutely have to.

This is the short list.

So in last month I decided to identify one thing on this list that I Can tackle.

Of course being the perverse psycho that I am I picked the hardest one - me.

Jon and I are walking in the morning. We are going to do 3 days a week together. I also plan to watch my diet FURTHER - I already do pay attention to it. I have a dear friend in Arizona who is going to be my diet / fitness buddy and I am really excited about it.

Jon and I talked about getting back into yoga. I can't wait! My wonderful friend and Massage Therapist ( Nessa) got me thinking. Yoga is so great. I miss it. Yoga, meditation.

She got me to change my skin care to something that's not onyl better FOR it, but works amazing results in a week. In researching the company, I realized that for the first time, I was excited about integrating these products into my life.

I am considering acupuncture to help deal with the eczema/allergy/asthma issues.

I'm not UNHAPPY - I just know that there are things that I need to change as I evolve into the better version of me. I know I"m in there somewhere.

Just trying to hold it together

Jon is fond of saying that he is not your average man, meaning:

1. he does change the toilet paper when the roll is finished.
2. He refills ice cube trays when they are empty
3. He does put the dinner dishes in the sink AND rinses them off.
4. He does call when he is going to be late and he does recall key dates MOST of the time.
5. HE does cook.
6. He knows the fundamental use of the toilet and does leave the seat in the position that he found it - though because the gender balance is 50/50 I don't complain if it's not where I like it.

So of course it stands to reason that some of his downfalls might well be:

1. clothing on the floor, the couch, the chair etc ( I generally can't complain here and don't because I am not a lot better about that - I just relegate to the bedroom so that I can close the door)
2. I have the tendancy of being confused with the role of "mom"
3. He does hog the remote
4. He is unable to find things in the house without screaming and swearing.

There are more... but moving on....

Tuesday morning, I am woken up VERY early by him walking into the bedroom, and yelling "HEY WHERE DID I PUT THE STACK OF MEDICAL BILLS"

Yelling.

While I am in a deep sleep.

Now anyone who knows me, knows you can lose a body part for that.

I can't even think of my own name let alone where a stack of bills I have never had my hands on ever would have been placed.

So I respond "I don't know - you had them last".

THis response was met with some very creative swearing and yelling and finally the door slamming.

I - went back to sleep.

So the email that I received this morning had me HOWLING with laughter. I mean literally howling.

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS SIGN UP BYEND OF MONTHNOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.

• Topic 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. -- Step by Step, withSlide Presentation.
• Topic 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? -- RoundTable Discussion.
• Topic 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Liftingthe Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls/Nearby Bathtub? -- Group Practice.
• Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and theFloor. -- Pictures/Explanatory Graphics.Topic
• 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into theKitchen Sink? -- Examples on Video
• Topic 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your SignificantOther. -- Help Line Support and Support Groups
• Topic 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with Looking in theRight Places Instead of Turning the House Upside Down Whilescreaming. -- Open Forum.
• Topic 8: Health Watch - Bringing her Flowers is Not Harmful to YourHealth. -- Graphics and Audio Tapes.
• Topic 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. -- Real LifeTestimonials.
• Topic 10: Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly While sheParallel Parks? -- Driving Simulations
• Topic 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother andWife. Online Classes and Role-Playing.
• Topic 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. -- RelaxationExercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
• Topic 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays,Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You'reGoing to be Late. -- Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and FullLobotomies Offered.
• Topic 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used. -- Livedemonstration.** Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to thesurvivors.**

So you can imagine the hilarity at topic 7. Even he had to laugh at that!

Men - who can figure you guys out?
Women - who can figure us out?

We're all nuts.

Don't Borrow Trouble

While Jon was in the hospital, he picked a fight with me.

The funny part is, he didn't view it as a fight, but a discussion. I viewed it as a fight.

Of course, today - I'm replaying it in my mind. I still see this as a fight and I wish I had reacted differently.

My reactions at the time, were to resolve the situation as quickly as possible with as little emotional strife at the end. Translate that to a draw.

Everyone has always heard the line "Don't go to bed mad" or "Always say I love you because you may not get another chance" and the like.

This is what happened.

We had the fight. It was not good. I ended it quickyl because I had to leave to go teach. I wasn't gone 30 minutes in total, when he called and advised me that he was being moved to the 12th floor. I had no idea what that meant, but I was about to find out.

I got back to the hospital an hour earlier than planned - got off the elevator on the twelfth floor and was faced with two large locked doors. Buzzer entrance only. I don't know what to make of this, so I get buzzed in. I am now in the vast never never land between two more sets of locked doors. and no way in or out. Magically someone appears and lets me in through the next set of doors. Very Get Smart-ish. I am asked to sign a book in an activity room with my name, relationship and have I been advised of the rules.

Rules????

So I put my name down. Under relationship I answer "yes" ( still the wise ass!) and for rules I put no.

I am asked to sit and wait.

I wait and wait and wait.

My own personal hell by the way is to be stuck in waiting room with psych patients and one TV playing the Simpsons....

He finally comes in, manic, and tells me it's not as bad as he expcted, not to worry, take his phone and medicaid card and please come back tomorrow. Don't cry don't worry.

WHO THE HELL IS HE KIDDING???

So now you know the circumstances.

So as we move further and further away from this whole situation, the terms of the fight are coming back to me. I am not wild about it, but if it comes up again, I know how I will fight back this time. I won't end it, just to keep peace because then it festers inside me, and him.

Most of our fights tend to generate from his speaking in "sound bites" or "AOL Keywords". That leaves a lot open to interpretation. That and his need to be right all the time. It doesn't help that I do too... need to be right....

We make it work and we actually had one of those "discussions" last night AND again today that ended with him contrite and me laughing at the stupidity.

Growing up is hard to do....

Revelations

I have had a number of interesting revelations recently.



Revelation number 1: I've been hacked.



OK - chances are if you are reading this, you already know that. I don't exactly want or NEED to go into the details, but suffice it to say that someone, well, inappropriate, got their hands on my material and frankly, I wouldn't care in other circumstances, but I don't need added stress or pressure. So for the time being, the blog will remain on an invite only basis. I have invited all my normal readers, plus a couple who lurk now and again that I trust.

Lets leave it at that for now.

Revelation number 2: THe whore is not the problem

I have spent a lot of time blaming the whore for an untenable situation in my household. Now that I have met and seen her and spent time with her.... she has moved on from him. He's trying desparately to hold on. This, by the way, is not that uncommon with him. He's done it with every woman in his life to this very day. It has nothing to do with me. Logically and emotionally he's made a different choice and understands why it is the way it is. He just hasn't FULLY let go yet.

I will tell you that this brings a level of relief to me, actually. If it's only generated from him and not being returned, he'll move along appropriately. History shows me that. He has abondonment issues ( being addressed by his psych's now by the way) and this plays a major part in that.

Now that I am aware of it, I have relaxed a bit. Not all the way, mind you, but I have certainly relaxed a lot more with him. It shows in how we are relating now too. All good things.

Revelation Number 3: I have new skin care and it changed my life. And my skin. I am beyond thrilled with this company and their products and I haven't even bought them yet.... though that's coming soon... Swiss made botanical skin care. My face never looked this good. IN 2 and half days ( 5 uses) Jon noticed and my best friend noticed. Without prompting. I HIGHLY recommend you take a look at the website. Try it, don't try it - but I am SOLD. Arbonne is the name. They make skin care, body care, spa treatments, supllements, weight loss, makeup, baby lines, teen lines, skin care for men, all very comprehensive. I will not lie and tell you it's drugstore quality or prices. But I will tell you a little goes a long way and it's worth every penny.

These are revelations in intelligence ( number 1), emotions ( number 2) and physical ( number 3). They have taken place over the past week.

I am proud of all of them.

Stresses and hurts

STRESS

I am a little bit stressed.

While I handle stress well, it does take it's toll.

It's ironic because I handle both stress and performance nerves the same way. I allow it to happen AFTER.

The difference between stress and performance nerves is, performing is over much quicker. Stress in life can maintain for long periods of time.

So it's no surprise to me that the weight I gained during his 18 day stay in the hospital ( 7 lbs.) is now coming off.... with little to no effort.

The flaking of my scalp and the general condition of my skin is horrible.

My allergies have suddenyl gotten worse.

My sleep patterns are just starting to go back to normal

My eyes run and water all the time.... with or without contacts.

And why? Because I allowed myself to let the stress go and this is how my body reacts. Now you may think this is odd. And it is, but when I don't release it - it's ten times worse than this - and then it lasts for a really long time. This bout will be over in a few days.

HURTS

These are a little bit harder to heal.

Jon is hurting. He wants to get up and do. And he can't. At least not everything all at once.

I made a task list for him. He is working through it, but tires so very easily.

His meds make him tired. His treatments make him tired. His electro balances are making him tired as they fluctuate.

And all that aside - his friends - largely women - aren't calling with as much frequency. Every day he says around 9-10PM,

"Another day, no calls. "

It breaks my heart a little. THough he's not really a phone person, he needs to feel loved. By more than just me. Not that it's not enough from me, but he is a little bit of local celeb and it feels a little bit like abandonment. If you will recall from last summer - he has abandonment issues anyway so this is not a good thing.

Yes in a stupid way - grow up already. But during a time of illness, it's hurting him. Partially because the young ones - I refer to them as children - dion't know how to react to him so they just don't.

Then the woman-formerly-known-as-the-whore promised to call and didn't. Another crack in the hull.

I am setting up some gatherings with friends to make things be about him a bit. He is well loved, but going through a dry spell.

And this too will pass.

Grey skies are gonna clear up

yeah yeah yeah - I know I know

Put on a happy face.

Actually - for the first time in months - I probably am. I am the most relaxed since the diagnosis. I am the most calm that i have been.

I am busy - but constructively so.

The diagnosis is this. No more chemo, 2 more weeks of radiation and possibly surgery to remove the nodes if they don't continue to shrink on their own.

His voice is returning bit by bit. He's eating, he's drinking and the energy is slowly but surely making it's way back. Slowly oh so slowly.

More to the point, he's in a better mood and a better frame of mind. Which means WE are doing better. Not completely not yet - but the effort is there. I see it, I sense it. I know it.

We had a lovely visit with the whore. Whom I will from not on NOT be calling that anymore. I will have to find a new nickname for her. she's not so bad. not so good either. But she seems to have settled herself on what she wants out of this and it's minimal. Friendship to be sure, but not the every day in your face kind.

She will email, they will talk occasionally. But she made it clear without grandstanding that her life is now all about her, the man she chose over mine and her kids. I couldn't have asked for anything more. She also didn't say it for my benefit at all. It was part of conversation where she was explaining that her vacation was to be only family not friends of the kdis etc. She just wanted it to be her and the man and the kids and that was it.

No hidden agenda this time. She actaully hugged me upon leaving and told me that I was doing a great job with him and that clearly this was meant to be.

I won't tell you that I am perfectly OK now. But We all turned a big corner that day. I no longer wish her gone or dead. I wish her and her family well.

She no longer resents me. We get on OK so if we run into each other again - it won't be an issue.

Ironically, the more often I see her, the less pretty she becomes. I always thought that was the opposite.... the more you see into your competition.... how does that go???

Anyway - it's not that she isn't pretty, it's more that she is no longer a factor, that is most important.

What made that visit so good, is that we really communicated about her BEFORE she got there. And it wasn't forced and it bad or angry. We just talked about how I feel when it appears to be hidden and how he feels when he deems it necessary to hide it.

What it amounts to ( which I should have known) is that he wasn't quite done in his heart. That's OK - he's not enitrely done with any woman he's ever had a relatinoship with so this one is no surprise either. I don't have a problem with that - in many ways that is a part of all of us.

We are moving forward with the remaining parts of his treatments. Things are looking good and we are working towards getting the music business up and running.

I am gearing us into yoga slowly, I am gearing us into natural eating and holistic healing as well. Just integrating into our lives in bits and pieces will go a long way.

I am forcing a medical proxy as well as wills from a practical standpoint.

I am going to slowly get the house back to whole while starting to look for a bigger one....eventually that will be the plan.

Things are looking better. Much better.

Avoid Cancer

Folks, I don't know how else to say it.... just avoid cancer.

There is no cure that is better than the disease itself. Oh to be sure, chemo will do it some of the time, but in the end, the chemo causes it's own issues within the body and you pay for those both at the time and thereafter becayse, after all, chemo IS cumulative.

Meaning - over the life of the treatment protocol assigned, each time you have a chemo treatment, it will be a little bit worse than the last time. MAybe the first one is just tiring and a wee bit of nausea...the second one, a bit more. And so on and so on.....

Nutrition is very important during this. The patient WILL NOT WANT TO EAT.

Please do not let this deter you - forge on and feed them pretty much whatever they can tolerate. But make them eat. And please, I beg of you DO NOT OVER HYDRATE. Hydration is important. VERY. But too much? Not good.

Over hydration without proper nutrition, hell... ANY nutrition, will land you in an 18 day minimum hospital stay with IV Sodium drips, potassium pills and charting your own input and output over the course of your days.

It means your kidneys will not work properly.

All this AFTER a stay in ICU under heavy sedation and a ventilator does not make for a happy patient. Or family or caretaker.

So smokers - quit. Sun goddesses - GO INSIDE! Drinkers - cut back - substance abusers - GET HELP.

But by all means - do what you have to in order to avoid this disease!

Switzerland

So since we last spoke - rather - read - 11 days ago my life has gotten pretty interesting.

I have renamed myself "Switzerland" or you can call me Heidi - take your pick.

I want to remind you of a post I submitted back in February about Mothers and Sons. It's fairly self explanatory. But little had changed in the forthcoming months.

Until now. The past 15 days have been good for his mom and I on a medical front. We had been largely in agreement on treatment when my best friend was unable to makke those decisions. Much of the time I was authorized by her to make them without her after awhile as she began to trust me more. It was really encouraging.

Until Day 4-5. He started behaving in a strange and unpredictable fashion after being woken from the 2.5 day heavily sedated sleep. Being there and being privy to it in the first person rattled me immeasurably but I am quite good in a medical crisis that is not my own, and sought out his nurses and got doctors on the floor fairly quickly.

She did not return my calls as promptly as I would have preferred and I was not able at that time, to make decisions for him and he was not capable of doinig it himself.

So I started dialoguing with her on days 5-NOW and the short version is this: Medically we will most likely agree on care. Socially/emotionally/spiritually/psychologically - you are looking at us in agreement about 25% of the time.

Three units later, countless docs - he finally gave the most recent doc, who has been the longest so far at 5 days, releases to speak with me about everything and anything they need and vice versa. I see him for 1 hour sessions 2 times a day. The rest of the time, he is resting and getting better and stronger as we research a new treatment protocol for the chemo.

What I have discovered is, because I am not her favorite person and she has undisclosed issues with me, arguing with her is not a good plan. From the onset, I knew this to be true. So what I have done was converted myself into a sounding board for her when I disagree. I just listen and ask her questions and let her think it all the way to a logical conclusion and then I drop it. When I agree however I vociferously ask lots of questions, propose action plans, get her input on the hows whens and whys and divide up the task list with her at her pleasure to get it done.

She's an unbelievably bright and intellignet person so the last thing I want to do is to alienate her by showing anything that looked like superiority. The bottom line was - I Believed 1-2 days in this particular environment would be beneficial. I believe that 10-14 days would have caused backwards movement in him.

She commented that she thinks I know him better than she does. I tap danced out of that by saying maybe in 1 or 2 things but she is his mother and she has 52 years experience to my 11.

The Point is, When she is barking up the wrong tree, I don't tell her so. I just listen and let her talk it out to a logicial conclusion. When She's right I am her single biggest advocate.

One particular battle we had was on medication. He does not want anything beyond the medical necessity meds ( heparin) and the fluids( .09 Saline and Potassium). There is nothing else medically necessary so they needed to stop pushing it.

The short tail on that is, she felt it was better for him, he didn't and was capable of saying no and was adamant about it, so as far as I was concerned, that was a done deal.

What I did here though was listen, read the websites decribing the drug, interactions and side effects. We agreed that this drug was a poor idea as it was clear they didn't read into the rest of his chart. However she then proceeded to investigate ANOTHER drug that would offer the same relief with different side effects. I just listened and said nothing.

I am neutral.

I am Swiss.

Just call me Heidi!

Running to catch up

It's been some time since I blogged. The reality is that things here got so incredibly busy that I was simply too exhausted or had literally no time at home to do so.

8 days ago we had the last round of chemo. He came home, as usual, full of ideas and plans. We played a round of trivlal pursuit and watched a doc about baseball. It was a reasonably good evening.

The next day we went to see a friend of ours for Coffee. He belittled and berated me for reasons unknown. he was picking fights in public about the weirdest and strangests things. insert Foreshadowing here.

The next day he went to radiation but came right home and went to bed where he stayed until well after 8PM which is unlike him.

The fourth of July dawned with him vomiting. spaced out with long durations at first it rapidly started to escalate. He was unable to keep food or liquid of any kind down.

By 10PM that night I was worried enough to suggest the hospital. He wasn't quite ready to go. I persisted in mentioning it about every 2-3 hours until 7 AM July 5 when He agreed to go. He wanted to go 911 but that would have taken him to a different hospital. He needed to go to the one where he was being treated. He felt he could ask the ambulance to take him there. I responded with "it's and ambulance NOT a cab!"

Once at the ER, they moved him through rapidly as he was an existing cancer patient. 20 minutes after walking through the door, I was escorting him into the treatment area where they would prep him for admittance.

That's when things turned bad.

He had a seizure in my arms in the hallway while waiting to go into the treatment room.

They ot him regulated and put him on a ventilator to assist his breathing. After 3 hours, they moved him into the ICU where he remained for 2 days.

They monitored his sodium and his potassium both which were dangerously low, they also tested and monitored his kidneys.

They took the tube out and woke him out of his sedation then momved him into the CCU as stepping place to a regular room. He spent 2 days there.

Last night he was moved to a regular rrom on the floor. He was able to see visitors outside of his mom and I.

The band showed up last night. It was a really super visit.

He's very depressed and I took some precautions in this regard. We have a 24 watch on him at this point and I or his mom are there whenever there are visiting hours. We encourage friends and family to come visit as well. He is slowly imrpving and even tried to eat today.

I hope to have him home with me by the weekend. Each day he gets stronger.

The life and times of the caretaker

Being a caretaker is rough. I don't know how professionals do it.

It's harder in some ways to be the designated caretaker of a loved one though, because there is a vested interest in their wellbeing. We WANT our loved ones to get better.

If you are any kind of intelligent person, you read a lot on the illness itself, caretaking, alternate methods - pretty much everything you can get your mitts on.

Invariably there is the learning curve of the patient. For example. I've read in several noted medical websites that continuing to take a multi vitamin and various supplements is a good idea. I mention this to Jon. Jon immediately hits the gutt reaction and says "no".

In the beginning, I took offense and immediately argued. Now I don't bother. Why? Because 48 hours after I mention it, he will come up with it on his own and speak to his doctors who, in turn, will either agree or disagree - or in one case , laugh, because we quoted HIS article.

So in my case, being the caretaker here means the following M AJOR tasks rest with me:

1. Sole financial provider
2. Chief Bottle washer ( and refiller)
3. Head Chef
4. Lead Research Assistant
5. Medical Assistant
6. Personal Shopper
7. Constant Companion
8. Shrink
9. Whipping Post
10. Housekeeper
11. Cat Groomer
12. IT Professional
13. Professional Ego Booster
14. Financial Aid counsellor

You get the idea.

Last year at this time... well - we were breaking up - but RIGHT before that and RIGHT after... my responsibilities were simple. I was the girlfriend. I was the sole emotional support while he took care of his dying brother ( who is still living now by the grace of God). We were still courting.

I miss that. A lot.

What I have discovered in putting his needs completely ahead of my own is that eventually i get tired of being last or not at all. And I lash out. I don't need a lot. However, Last year this time I weighed more than I do now, but I felt prettier, sexier, smarter and loved. Now? I feel ugly and fat all the time. I feel unloved and not in the least bit sexy. As for intellect? Please don't get me started.

Here's the deal though. If I feel all those things.... imagine what he feels like?

Neither of us should have to feel this way andd unfortunately the situation is such that this is going to happen. The high side of this is that because we are doing this together, the downs are more physical for him then mental and emotional. For me the dows are more emotional and mental not physical.

It's not easy and lord knows I add to that list every day.

It's an act from the heart. It's an act of love.

Trust vs. Jealousy

I know I tend to talk about this a lot. But it plagues me, so as I continue to work on it - you guys get to hear about it.

I don't trust people. I have an inherent fear of intimacy. I am scared that if I allow myself to love and trust someone, they will let me down or leave. Or both.

It makes me sad that this a part of who I am. I work hard at this and I am slowly chipping away at it. Jon is no easy task with this. He trusts me far more than I trust him.

That's not really a fair assessment but it's the closest I can get. Our history isn't rosy by any stretch of the imagination. I have said from the beginning that loving someone means loving them warts and all. And I do. With everything that I am capable of giving.

That doesn't mean however that with certain people and certain topics, my stomach doesn't knot up. It does and it happened today. A neat reminder that this problem I have been working on is still there.... smaller perhaps - it didn't last long - but present none the less.

It's not anything he does. Not currently. It's me and what I don't believe of myself. I know this and it makes me sad. I jokingly made a comment tonight as I was getting ready for bed... I got up off the couch as he said "Yeah it's about that time..."

My response was "Yes I tend to be smart that way"

He said " You don't need to tell me that - you need to tell yourself that.... I already know. "

He wasn't laughing or kidding. He was right.

You see I spend a lot of time putting myself down. I don't even really understand where it's coming from. I weigh less this summer than last, and yet I feel fat and ugly. I am in position wth my job that's improved from last year, yet I feel exploited and condescended, I am in a relationship that changed dramatically in 2008, and I can't seem to catch up, I feel like everyone is smarter, prettier, funnier all of that...

As I said before - I know it's me and I know it's in my head.

I am smart - or I wouldn't have the job that I do. I wouldn't hold the position that I do. I may have some extra weight but I am pretty. I am nice and talented and all of that. I take good care of those that I love. I am a good friend and a good life companion.

So why the insecurities?

I really don't know. But I'll keep digging until I find out.

The Go / No - Go on Chemo

Last week, we were supposed to have the last round of chemo.

To re-cap, his bloodwork came back showing some slight anemia and some of the levels were off due to dehydration. They gave him IV fluids and strict instructions to "fluid-up" between then and now.

He went in this morning, had his radiation appointment where they decided to back off the radiation and concentrate on ozone only as the tumor on the left side has shrunk to less than 1/3 it's original size. The one on the right is substantially smaller but not small enough yet. All in all - major progress.

However they were not happy with his blood work. So tomorrow there will be no radiation appointment and there will be no chemo.

The No-go on the radiation is a good thing.

The No-go on the chemo - is not such a good thing.

The chemo that he's on requires a minimum of three doses to be effective. I'm no oncologist, and contrary to the hits my intelligence has taken this week, I'm a fairly intelligent and thorough person when I am researching something. I have read everything available on the chemotherapy drug he's on to date. Every night, I take my laptop into another room and research it on the web. I check the symptom list and review the ones that he exhibits vs the ones he doesn't.

I'm confident there is another round in our future. It just can't happen till the blood work comes back reflecting the right levels. I have been stressed and worrying abouut this since the beginning. I had a nightmare about it last night. Sadly that one came true.

So we wait. We work on the state service applications for assistance in the medical arena. We file the copyright paperwork on his songs. We research the licensing of other tunes for recording purposes.

and we wait.