When I was just a little girl

When I was a little girl I would have been described as a "girly girl". I played with dolls, I played "house", yes I played "doctor" but not the lewd adult version everyone jokes about, I had a dollhouse that my dad made for me and my mom decorated ( that I still have at my brothers house). I loved frills and lace and hate anything practical.

I always planned to be "the mommy". I always expected to have a husband and a home and children and a dog. I expected to live in the exact same house that my parents had when I was small.

Somewhere after my parents divorce this plan of mine went away. Not even astray - just gone. I didn't care if I ever got married and I certainly didn't want children.

At 8 years old, on some level, security in relationships or lack thereof, was brought into a very specific relief. I had never seen my mom cry before, I helped pack my dad up to move and it never occured to me that this wasn't supposed to happen.

At this same early age, I learned that relationships are not only hard, but tenous at best. There is no home secure enough, no relationship strong enough on its own, to last without hard work from ALL parties. That means everyone who is involved. When one person shuts down, and stops contributing or working or even trying, it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it can be rebuilt and sometimes it can't.

As children, we tend to be dreamers. I always dreamed of being in love. As a baby and little girl, I was raised listening to the Carpenters ( gag) and Barry Manilow (Yeesh). As I got older and hit my teenage years, I listened to love songs. All of them, the happy ballads, the sad breakup tunes. I loved the all. I will admit to listening to Air Supply at one point and liking it. Can't stand them now, but know all the words.

What makes this important is that music and love have always been a part of my soul. They aren't and cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I listen to these songs and envision what they would, do or can mean in my life. I never really forget the songs and they come to my brain at strange times depending on how things are going.

In my heart of hearts, I always knew that love for me would be a huge challenge for me. That there was no way that my life was meant to meet someone, date, fall in love, get in engaged, get married, have kids, get the house, live thereafter till death us do part. I was, and am, convinced that the relationship that goes the distance was going to be frought with trials in the beginning.

I believed then as I do now two things about this. That good things come to those who wait and nothing worthwhile is easily attained. I am not in my 20's. And that is a good thing. If I had married in my 20's I can assure you I would be divorced by now.

The funny thing is, though I learned some definite negative behaviours as a child, I also learned some excellent ones also. I learned that marrying your best friend or having your spouse become your best friend is one of the ways to go, if you can make that work. That finding your prince charming does happen, even if you have to go through trial by fire to be with him. And as long as you are doing the right things by your self, then that trial by fire is the right thing. Honesty is truly the best policy and any relationship not based on that, is doomed to fail at some point.

All this history came to me this evening. I was looking at pictures of my childhood. All those happy and smiling faces. mostly mine. And thinking about the fact that in these pictures I am under the age of 8. And when I was 6, my dad changed jobs. He moved from "town I grew up in" to "town I currently live in" as director of music. This job change really shook up our lives. My parents divorced, my dad moved out, our house went up for sale.... and I met my best friend. Who was 18 at the time.

It sounds creepy right? It's only 12 years and doesn't matter today and who knew back then that we would be here?

But it gets better.

A close family friend of mine went to "Upstate State University" and is a year older than I am. He met his wife there. Her dearest friend turned out to be none other than.... my best friend's ex wife.

But it gets better than that. The close family friend is a close family friend because he is the step son of my dad's best friend, Kurt. Kurt, was changing jobs when I was 6. THis is how my dad got the job. Kurt left to go to "eastern school" and my dad took his job. But before that, Kurt was my best friends teacher.

Crazy right? I know.

Once I put it together in my mind, I knew I had to write it out here. Otherwise I might never remember it.

The whole bit with the love songs.... He's a musician and composer and that's his personal outlet. Ironic isn't it?

I look at my life now as product of many things. For one, I am at the point where I really cannot define what this relationship is. And I don't care. I am actually fine with no label. For now.

I have never been one to really come clean to those who count with what's in my heart for fear of rejection. Because my dad was rejected by my mom. I don't blame her - or him. That was a good decision in retrospect. But as a child that's how it looked to me. And I was the mature one. I can't tell you what it did to the younger kids.

So the fact that I verbalize my feelings to my closest friends, my best friend and this blog is a very big step for me. I was always embarassed to say these things for fear of being too "emo". I hate that term, because to me, it embodies a disparaging concept. As if it's not cool to have those kinds of feelings. I am feeling very free inside. Things aren't bottled up inside as much. Most importantly, I am able to convey my feelings to the people in my life who count without fear of retribution or even rejection.

I believe that some of my weight issues stem from this. I bottle things up and then used food as the outlet and comfort. It was easy to abuse food. Since I started communcating I am finding the weight loss easier. I almost don't eeven think about it as much as I used to,. I just eat when I am hungry, make sure I drink my water, my vitamins and get my fruits and veggies in and that's that. I don't worry about it as much. And the weight just comes off.

Even with having my best friend somewhat reject me, and then my attempt at rejecting him and then us fighting to be together in some fashion, we are communicating to each other and verbalizing the things that need to be verbalized. Honesty plays a huge roll in it as well.

I credit this blog, the people who read it and those who I read, for helping me to realize many of the things about myself that had been sitting there unaddressed, some which contribute to my weight issue since I have used food to compensate for years, and most importantly, to communicate my feelings better and making sure that the people I love, know it.