Insecurity

Let's have a show of hands.....

"Who here thinks I am insecure?"

OK.

I know I'm not alone on this one....

I used to think my insecurities were weight related.

I now think the weight is due to insecurities.

Hows that for a turnabout?

I've made a lifetime of trying to get past them and see myself as the phenomenal woman that I am.

In many respects, I have done this well. I have succeeded in the target areas that I chose to work on.,

Then I recently discovered that there are whole areas in myself that I ignored phenomenally well, thus they sat there and festered for as long as they were allowed to be there.

Thus the change in my eating behaviour.

I wish I could take the credit on this one, but alas, no.

Before I had come to terms with who I am, I ate for every reason - hungry or not. Pain, happiness - name it - I did it. Stress of any kind got extra special attention.

Then in January of 2007, I noticed that my eating was taking a different direction. Emotional Stress caused me to STOP eating.

Duh. Mental head slap.

Now honestly.... I had so little emotional stress back then. I sort of miss it actually. I was emotionally available to support all my friends in their various problems and issues.

BAM. April comes, bringing Easter, spring and my best friend.

Since then I have lost 32 lbs in a combination of emotional stress and very hard work.

What he has brought to my life is nothing short of amazing and for as bad as things are now for him and by extension for me, I wouldn't change this. I would change small parts in general, but I wouldn't change anything about him or me. I would change some circumstances and general reactions ( largely from me) but that's it.

You see, I'm not sure I'm any good at relationships. MAybe I have been alone too long. Maybe I am still so afraid of rejection....

But I know that I have improved in one specific thing. I now say what I feel. I know that we've talked about this in other posts.... but it's true. I am not afraid to say "I love you" regardless of what it costs me. I am also not afraid to be angry when it's warranted.

I have more to lose now than I did in June. What I am doing in my mind, whether I ever need to or not is remember that I survived without him before.

But did I? It's kind of complicated but I never stopped loving him. ever. Regardless of who I dated, who he dated, we kept coming back to this. After all that time, we keep coming back to this and each time it goes a step further between us.

I wrote him a letter 7 years ago when his brother first got sick and I was leaving his life temporarily. In the letter I told that we were perfect for one another and he should get his head out of his ass and not let me go.

But he did. He let me go.

And I wasn't surprised.

But you know what did surprise me? and for those of you who know me this is big.

I actually told him how I felt about him to his face one night 9 years ago. I stood there in the empty bar and told him exactly how I felt about him and he was stunned. He had no idea. and he didn't run - HA HA. In fact he stuck around to see what could happen.

Here's the thing now. For years after, I was mortified and embarassed that I put my heart on the line with him.

And now that I am thinking abbout it... I'm not anymore. And not because the status is different with us.

it's me that's different. But there is more work that I need to do. I have insecurities that manifest in trust issues, He has abandonment issues and isn't afraid to talk about them with me but it makes him insecure too.

I'm not afraid to do the work, but it does scare me. Because I am so afraid that in the process I will lose him too. Maybe not, but the rejection thing is still there because of some of the remaining open questions.

Mind you we are talking about a man who is most attracted to brains and talen first and beauty second.

My first question - What the hell are you doing with me?

He told me to put my arm around to my back and pull MY head out of my ass! You hve to love the irony there....

You know what makes me laugh most about this?

Eddie Murphy did a bit in Raw about this.

In short, you need to go out and find someone AS messed up as you are.

I think it will be OK.

Editing

Editing.

Publishers do it, recording studios do it, writers do it... film editors, composers.....

I do it too. But not in the way that you think.

There is a popular expression. Forgive and forget. I've spoken on it before. If you forgive you really have to forget, because remembering is holding on to the bad and not letting it go.

Human Beings are funny. We hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But when we hurt each other, and there's love-type feelings involved, that's when the forgive and forget thing comes into play.

Enter in - editing.

Now I have been doing this for years. Since my childhood. But I recently saw an episode of a sitcom where the best man and brother of the groom gave a toast to his brother at his wedding and basically said "editing. Only remember the good stuff".

I had to laugh. Clearly I'm less unique then I thought.

In the past year, my mom told me a memory of mine that I clearly blocked. It wasn't a particularly bad one, as memories go, I just think that I blocked it due to timing. I was young - 7 or 8. My parents were recently divorced as we were still living in the family home. My mom told me that my future step dad would be spending more time around the family.

As I said, not a bad memory judging from the reality that I have lived in the last 30 years... but given the fact that my parents were newly divorced and I was going through the phase where I still had hope that they would get back together, I believe that I blocked this. To be honest.... I still don't actually remember it and am taking it on faith that it's true.

Editing.

I have been reviewing my relationship with my best friend. Not in a big way... but just looking at our past 10 years. We have been talking about it a lot lately too.

I haven't edited as much as I thought I was. It's kind of funny. I won't speak for everyone, but I am the person who meets someone, convinces MYSELF that they are perfect and I am the one who needs to change myself to be with them. Then I watch and listen and pay attention and try to mold myself into the perfect person for that relationship.

Now here's where that tragic display of low self esteem can have it's entertaining moments. The lifetime review of THAT would have me being a financial wizard ( math???? hell no. ), A gay man, a woman who would give up her cats and live on a boat ( not so much the outdoorsy type), a politicians wife, arm candy.... you get the idea.

The point is, not only haven't I altered who I am for him, but we have grown because of one another.

In a recent discussion, a big part of his reticence of the years, is fear. He knows how good we are together, he is clearly aware of the connection but is so afraid that I will abandon him too that we keep playing some version of cat and mouse... until this past year.

We have hit a rough spot. This is well documented on this blog, albeit not terribly detailed. One set of events this weekend calls for some serious editing. Serious editing. On both sides but largely mine. I have forgiven. Completely.

And now I have started the editing. It started with a trip to the bar where he played last night. That went beautifully. I made a deal with myself on the way there, in the snow, that if this went well and certain events fell into place, church was a guarantee the next day regardless of what time I got home.

I kept that promise. Church was good too. I needed to feel that Joy and love that I get when I am there. I needed the cleansing hope that comes with it as well. And I prayed for him and I prayed for his brother.

and I continued the editing.

I have an advantage on this situation though. Up until the ONE bad event took place, we had two full happy, loving and amazing days together. We laughed, and cried and talked and talked and talked.

Only remember the good stuff.

Only keep the good memories.

Let go of the bad ones or "forget".

I am working on this, though I will not lie and tell you it's happening fast, but it is happening. I feel no need to be emotionally recompensed for what happened and I feel no need to hold it over his head.

Except for the only small and somewhat funny aspect.... we both resort to humor on these things...

It helps with the editing if you can find something to laugh about.

To wrap up the editing..... I find that letting go of the past, or editing, helps keep the fights fair when and if they happen. If you are only fighting about the present, then you can solve it and wrap it up, then edit it out, it helps keep you from mudslinging and dragging up every misdeed ever done in the world between you. It keeps the fights fair and easier to manage. No ripping open old wounds.

Only keep the good memories.

Love... Actually

You have to do these things at Christmas.

It's line rom the movie "Love Actually".

The movie is a phenomenal ensemble piece about love at Christmas time. I looks at all kinds of love. Friends, lovers, parents, siblings.... the old the young.... unrequited... you name it - it's in there.

I watched this movie with my best friend Thursday night. It's fairly old. He warned me in advance that I would cry. and I did. We both did.

One of the story lines is about a sister and brother. She's his caretaker and he's in a home. She is madly in love for nearly 3 years with a man in her office. She is always fielding calls from her brother throughout the movie. In this story line, which ends fairly quickly, she gives up the man she is in love with because of her family situation.

You cannot imagine the tears from both of us. It was heart wrenching - not completely applicable but we both see enough of the similarities that it struck a chord.

You see, he believes he is out of the doghouse with his brother. For whom he cared for for 5 years, 4 months 2 weeks and 12 hours. In doing so sacrificed himself.

When he left on the 13th hour, His brother accused him of "abandoning" him. Since August. And he received a birthday and Christmas card from him. When he announced this fact to me, we both fell to tears and held each other crying.

So when we watched this movie together, the sobbing - from both of us - was unbelievable. And it's a happy movie in the end really.

It was a really touching thing and opened a new door for us too in a way.

Because.... you have to do these things because it's Christmas.....

Wisdom isn't always with the old

I had to laugh out loud.

"What am I supposed to say when people say, Oh your young yet?" My voice twin asks.

This after some of the wisest words I have heard to date out of her mouth. or anyones. Though to be truthful I played my cards on the most recent set of events close to my chest.

I had to laugh.

How many times have we heard that in our teens and twenties and even into our thirties? "Oh your still young" or "Ah youth" or "Oh to be your age again"

I laugh because when my students whine about being tired, my response is ALWAYS "Wait till you get to be old and crotchety like me" and seriously folks - I'm actually not that old. But to them I am.

The point is here that since last week, I have been harboring a number of situations that have left me with more questions than answers ( again ). She took the information that I desseminated and made sense of it. Now she could be wrong, and that's OK. But I have a gut feeling she's not. And NOT because I want her to be right either ( though it works out so much better if she is). She weeded through all the crap and came out with some really well thought out responses.

Now I don't want anyone ( including her because she reads this ) to think that I don't believe her capable - I do. I find that the 3 twenty somethings that I associate with are ridiculously smart sometimes in spite of the hinderance of youth. I was the same way, so I get it.

It just reminds me that age and wisdom are not always joined at the hip. Just because I'm the age I am doesn't make me smarter by definition. Just because my best friend is 12 years older than me doesn't make him smarter by definition. Someone younger than I am can be smarter than me too.

What I like is that it's in different areas. So Where I am weak they are stronger and vice versa or maybe it just seems that way given the situations.

Youth is amazing - why else would people be chasing it?

In sickness and in health

I have a chest infection.

I lost my voice completely. I can barely breathe properly. I have an appetite but can't taste anything so I'm not really eating.

Phlegm should be a four letter word. Evidently I am made of it. I find it hard to believe that so much crap can come out of someone so small.

I took my wonder drug, Mucinex, at 7:30 this morning. attempted to cough up anything at all for 2 more hours, fell asleep till 1Pm. Its now 6:20 and I feel like I have been awake for 24 straight hours.

I can't cough up anything productive. So that's pissing me off. I'm pulling muscles in my torso from the coughing. If I see another cup of tea I'm going to throw it across the room.

So now between having my heart ache, my soul ache - lets add the body to that list.

I have a performance - a paying one - Tuesday. You know that I'm probably giving that up to my best friend. I don't see how I can do it. I hate to disappoint people, but they love him too so that should be OK and he needs the money as minimal as it is.

Soup is almost ready.

Uncertainty

I have been thinking a lot on this topic lately.

Uncertainty is a toxin.

For little things, most people can let it roll off them like water off a ducks back. But the big stuff? no way.

The bigger issue here, is that the uncertainty causes reactions. Why? because people, in the face of uncertainty with no end date will strive to create a solution, an answer or an end date.

For example.

Your child, has a seizure-like episode. You rush him to the hospital. They find no ready answer at that time, but schedule a boatload of tests. Among them, an EKG, an MRI, a slew of bloodwork. The child is 12 and has no memory of the episode, is taking meds for ADHD and had a growth spurt of 1 inch in 4 weeks.

The child plays sports but until an answer comes back, now cannot. He also, being 12, was allowed to be left alone in the house while the parents ran short errands ( less than 1 hour). All of this is no longer allowed till an answer comes back.

While logical and the child knows whats going on, the parents can't say anything about even the possibilities because they know as little as the child does.

The parents are being eaten alive with uncertainty. The kid less so, but frustrated that his quality of life has changed with no explanation or reason.

The scary part here, this may come back with NO ANSWER. Which will take this family a while to process and handle.

Then there's the situation in my life. Uncertainty caused me to behave in a crazy and irrational fashion. I don't remember crying nearly as much as I did the past 2 months even when my dad passed. It consumed me so much that I was unable to put the focus and effort that I notmally put into my life. My life. not just my job, not just my activities. my life.

It has always been that way for me. I look for the answers. I work to get them. I am less afraid of bad news and more afraid of NO news. But in the face of no news, I can only sit still for so long. Then I create the answers in my own head. And no, they are never good! I always go to the extreme so I am less surprised when it happens.

I do this with everything from job layoffs, to auditions, to relationships. Nothing is sacred.

So 2 months of this made me an absolute lunatic. But I am pleased to tell you that I have let go of the whore. I was the one holding that demon close, and I have let it go. Finally and completely. I didn't even realize it until last night.

I have others, but I am working through them. This is part of the trust thing and I am working on that too. I hate to admit this, but I trust no one. Not for a long time. It takes me a long time and a lot of testing to finally relax and trust. I am trying to be better with that. I really am. Trusting my best friend is easy most of the time, but when I am tested through uncertainty too long, that's when things get interesting.

Basically, during an extended period of uncertainty, I have instituted a new expression that I am trying to opererate with:

"Don't worry till you have to. Don't guess unless you are sure."

If I Can make this work, there is hope for me.

The holidays- Joy and Peace

The holidays.

I love them but yet I hate them.

Everyone I know strives to have the "perfect" Christmas.

You know the ones I mean. The Norman Rockwell Christmas. The tree, snow falling ( region permitted of course), lights with not one out, candles in the window, carols on the stereo, good food, eggnog, fruitcake, presents under the tree, all that good family feeling....

You get the idea.

And it rarely happens that way - at least not for my family.

I have discovered, for myself, that the holidays tend to make me cry. A lot. And if there are things happening that would normally not work for me.... they are just exacerbated by the holidays.

Oh I chase that perfect Christmas like everyone else. It's a goal - and it's good to be goal driven.

I have had a lot on my plate for a long while. It's not making this season easy for me.

My job is hell. I have managed, quite convincingly, to tell myself that it's just a job and does not define who I am. I don't always believe it, but I work hard at it. I have spent an enormous chunk of my career serving customers and doing it well. I have a boss who is inconsistent. He will give direction one way, and then criticize you for it. It's very hard for the people pleaser that I am, to please this man. I am tired. I am psychologically battered for hearing the constant criticism, everything I do is wrong and the constant blame. I know there are some folks ( Lisa the Scalemistress) who would say and have said "Get another job".

Of Course they are right. It's not fiscally possible right now. But Come the end of January, if I don't see change, I will be posting out to another position. I just cannot abide by the abuse to much longer. I have set that date as a hard date and I did it for my customer.

My love life is - well, we'll call it interesting for now. Not bad, but I'm not living on Cloud 9. The letter I sent to my best friend was received better than I expected. He was actually complimentary on it. We talked yesterday. After a hellacious day at work for me that left me in tears.... not the best timing. But we have a tendency to get the emotions rolling high and one of us leaves. He didn't want to do that again. His depression is lifting. Not quickly, but it is getting better. He's running again, he's cut back on the drinking and he's communicating. He's not going anywhere. He needs space, which is OK. He needs some time. But "we" are OK. Or we will be.

I'm not crazy about some of the side effects of this, but I am desperately trying to come to terms and deal with them till he's better.

What this has done to me though, is start the holiday tears way in advance. I've been crying for weeks. Hell I'm crying now. When he leaves, I cry. The day I know he's going home, I cry. It's insane. I miss him when he's not here.

Depression is a crazy thing. I jokingly told him that its starting to be contagious. I am not actually depressed - I am just aching for the pain that he has been in and continues to be in.

I have never loved someone enough to care about the pain they are in to this degree. Don't get me wrong, because I know that sounds horrible. My best friends and family - I feel awful when they are in pain. I want to help them as much as is possible. But I never felt helpless before in the face of depression in someone I love like this.

I saw my priest on wed. We talked about this pretty extensively and he and I are in agreement as it turns out. I know I can't fix the problem. I am not actually the problem at all.

I am an action person. If there's a problem - I need to address it. I need to fix it. I need to be right there with the sword and the shield.

This is a hard lesson for me and my best friend and I are walking this road together. He's not leaving, he doesn't want to. We are too important to one another. Something I truly never thought would happen.

He is a patient man. He forgives a lot with me. I am not good at relationships. I try too hard to be the exact thing for that person. Not this time - but in my past, yes. He lets me be me and insists on it. We are honest with each other and we are working on this. I really thought that wasn't going to happen. We are both lucky people.

This holiday is going to be tough. Because through both these difficult and painful situations, I am trying to be in good spirits and still chase the perfect holiday. I have a lot to do in terms of music and the work that goes into that. I performed a children's breakfast last weekend and frankly I couldn't get into the spirit of the thing. My heart ached and a friend who's mother just died was there, so I ached for that too. Any way you looked at it, I don't know how I got through those 2 hours. I have to decorate my house this weekend. I have a performance tonight and tomorrow, I have Christmas Eve services, a lunch next week... my best friend's birthday is next week.

We are all busy. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, this is the season of advent. Advent is important. It's a time to be quiet and plan for the coming of the Baby Jesus. It's a time to reflect and rest. I am trying to put the peace back into my life and do this.

So I pass this one to you. Regardless of faith - I pray for peace and joy for all of you during this season.

Happy Hanukkah for those of you celebrate!

PS - I hit 32 lbs down today!

Trust

I have trust issues.

I get it. I know it.

It's a family trait. We trust, but not after the other folks are forced to prove, repeatedly, that they are trustworthy.

I am sad to say, the very borderline OCD that comes with that also runs in the family. It manifests in different ways for those of us blessed with being a familia.

It's been diagnosed, at least in me, and dealt with. Honestly it hasn't shown itself in about 10+ years.

The short version is, it's a spinoff that relates to my self esteem. If my self esteem is in good shape, the OCD doesn't show, if the self esteem has been knocked about, the OCD shows up.

I never claimed to be normal.

It's not medicated for a specific reason - it's not consistent or severe.

I have to say that when it reared it's ugly head last week, I knew immediately. literally. In the midst of the behaviour pattern, I knew I was overboard.

I'm not proud of it. But I know its an issue. I have since taken some additional steps to alleviate the symptoms that brought it on and the behaviours themselves.

I really am not detailing the behaviours, though I know that those of you who don't know me well, are DYING to know. Those of you who do know me, you know what happened.

I stopped. I'm no longer acknowledging the urge and certainly I am not acting on it. I may steal glance as I follow the highway East, but I am not acting on anything at this point. As of noon, I am prepared to fully trust in someone else and believe in them. The reason that I decided on this though is really key.

I can't accuse him of not being honest with me, if I am only trusting him with everything BUT this one thing. This ONE thing is becoming my problem and not his anymore.

I like to look at it as that early scene in "My best friends wedding". The bitchy cousins say "Oh lord, look, it's the bride and the woman she'll never live up to".

Thats how I feel. That I can't live up to the memory of three specific women. I made peace with two, one is my dear friend and that's easy, the other is his first wife and that's also OK, the last one is the whore.

For all the bad things and negativity that both he AND I say, there is something there that he fell in love with even for a short while. And given the fact that she is still hanging on to him, making it tough for hi to get over her, makes me even more insane.

Bringing me to another movie line ( we watch a lot of movies here - you can tell!) - this one from the holiday.

"So let me get this straight, he broke up with you, but sstays in contact all the time? That sucks!!! THat's great for him, but sucky for you! That means he can get what he needs from you when he needs it, but you can't ever get over him!"

That is EXACTLY what is happening. Just substitute the pronouns.

So in short, my lesson learned for today is that if you want the one you love to trust you and be honest, you have to do those things too. We were both doing this wrong but for the right reasons. We didn't want the other one to be hurt more than necessary.

Things aren't wonderful. But they will be - sooner rather than later I hope. But I virtually hold his hand and we will walk on this path together and figure this out.

How to be in a relationship

Folks, THIS is the course I needed in undergrad.

Because honestly - I have no freaking clue what I am doing.

My parents divorced when I was young and both went through hell, literally, to find their current partners that they ultimately married for 25+ years.

So I have no idea how to navigate this.

When things are good, they are good. Now they aren't so hot, but we aren't sprinting for the door.... but we are in the avoidance aisle of the store.

So I don't know how to do this. And it's hard. And when the going gets tough and I Can't get results ( please remember that being a project manager is a results driven career), I lose patience, I freak out and my brain explodes.

I have to remember that everyone does not recover or behave according to my timetable. Yes I love the idea that it's all about me, except that it's actually not.

Frankly, I don't know how you married folks do it. Every day, I think about my friends who are married and I am absolutely bowled over by how you do it.

We aren't married and we FIGHT to stay together. Not literally. But lately its been a struggle. A lot of sickness, death, depression, past lives, the holidays and a birthday. it's a lot of pressure.

But it doesn't warrant craziness. I want to not be this nuts. Uncertainty makes me crazy and the longer I go on being uncertain, the more my wild imagination gets wilder.

I know both of us need to be communicating and I see definite effort here, not on the topics I want, but effort nonetheless. And honesty in areas I wasn't expecting to discuss either.

I am still learning how to love and care for this person. That doesn't sound right.... I know how to do that, but in tough times, I have a set of needs that clearly is different from his. We are there for each other, but I tend to hit insane/ crazy a lot quicker. He tends to hit remote and distant quicker. I don't yell and scream - I cry. He yells and screams - he doesn't. We both resort to sarcasm. Always a treat.

But the one underlying thing that I think we both worry about - we are afraid of being left.

So - there is no class or course you can take to learn this stuff - just practice and paying attention to the detail and learning the physical and verbal cues. On top of, honesty and communicating of course.

To wrap up here, I don't think I ever paid attention to the relationship itself before with anyone else. Just sort of took it moment by moment and hoped for the best. Now that its really important.... I am trying to be a quicker study and do the things that feel right to me.... ( thank you Lisa!) and trying to communicate with man in a way that works for him AND me( thank you Bernie and Lisa).

I really want to thank you guys for your support - all of you:

Maplemama - who knows where I come from and really gets where I am get to
Bernie - For being the straight man in my life that gives me "manly" advice
Lisa - Your wisdom always blows me away
Mrs Jackson - Your love and support and willingness to say the things you know will piss me off but make me think!!!!
Voice Twin - VOICE OF REASON DURING THE CRAZYS

Love you guys - you are beyond special and important to me!!!

And it ain't over yet - you guys are still on duty..... but I am more than willing to repay the favor as needed!!!!

mental head slap.

I had a long talk with Bernie today.

I am happy to have him nearby and more happy that I got to have this time with him. Especially on the phone.

I realized that I don't have any "guy" friends anymore that are:

A. Straight
B. Just my friends.
C. trustworthy.

He holds the distinction of being the only one. It's an honor that I hold dear actually.

So I talked to him about some things that are going on with my best friend. He's a great listener. He listened to me, calmly even when I was fighting tears, and his bottom line was brilliant. "It's the difference between men and women".

Huh.

Mental head slap.

When I paused to think about it.... he's right. Not that I like it, because I don't and not because it should be this way, because I don't think it should, It just is.

Women, generally speaking, will call their girlfriends or sisters or whoever they need to and talk out their issues, problems and frustrations.

Men, quite simply, don't. Not as a first line of defense at any rate. Most will suffer in silence. Some will blog, some will podcast, some will paint, some will write, some will compose.

Mine tends to compose. But even that's not happening now.

So I am dealing with this situation with a man who won't communicate, and I think the problem is that he may not want to or know how to. My problem is I need to fix things for others. If it's broken, I want to help fix it, if you are hurting, I want to make the hurt less, If you are crying, I want to make you laugh.... it's who I am.

We call it the Messiah complex. Needing to make everything better for everyone else. He has one too - makes for a hell of a fun relationship.

Furthermore, when push came to shove, and I actually made my worries and concerns known, I think that while all of them are valid, I may not have conveyed them in a way that a guy can deal with. I wrote them down, because I am not being given the opportunities to communicate in the normal way - a conversation. He's either avoiding or not in a condition to deal with it.

In my letter, I basically treated him like one of the girls, which I know he likes to say and think that he is, but he's really not. And I think it may have caused some additional strife.

He may not know what he needs, which is fine. I may not be able to help, which is not fine and I will have to find a way to deal with... my problem not his. I need to help him by just being there and he needs to help me by talking more and taking some actions that will help him.

We both know we need to talk, it's just a matter of time now.

Thanks for once again being there to pick me up Bernie!!!!! I loev you!

I knew what the contents were when I bought it

Did you ever see those Game shows? YOu know Door number 1, Door number 2 and Door number 3? And what's behind them? One has a check for 50 grand, one has a jar of turtlewax and the other a blender?

Well, I knew what I was getting when I chose my best friend. I knew what was going on with him, most of his challenges- at least the big ones, the good, the bad, the indifferent.

I still know and I am not at all sorry for my choice. I love my choice and I am happy that I picked him and that he is in my life.

But things for him are rough in some ways and improving in others.

One thing that has been happening is our communication - not working the way it used to.

I had to resort to a letter to tell him what's going on. Sometimes I think that writing a letter is a good thing. Sometimes I don't.

I write all the time. Not necessarily on this blog. I have a private blog where I write my letters to God. So my writing is improving just because I exercize it regularly.

My letter was proofread by one of my most trusted and best friends. She had me remove 6 words out of the two pages. She believed that it was a good letter because there was no blame, no anger though anger is referenced, it was not written in anger. Mostly the content is a plea for us to talk, to communicate, and to let him know just how much I love him and worry about him.

The fact is, months ago my priest referred to me as a doormat. Well not anymore. that letter clearly shows that I am not a doormat. And here's why.

I could continue along the path that we are one and see what happens, but then I wouldn't be taking care of me. By writing that letter, I am standing up for myself.

When he spoke to me last night, I knew he had read it, but he didn't seem angry. He was trying to keep conversation normal between us. This is actually a good thing. It was a roll of the dice really and I hoped that I had conveyed my major point. He isn't one to hide it when he's angry. However, we didn't discuss it - not on the phone while I was driving at any rate. I think he needs some space but leaving me like this is killing me.

I cry all the time. I worry about him. Mostly I want to blow up the whore's home with her in it ( not really but the imagery makes me feel better) for hurting him so badly.

Funnily enough, I remember him going through this when his wife left him many years ago. I wanted to blow her up to. I hadn't met her either. I no longer want to blow her up. Thank her, yes. But not blow her up. We wouldn't be where we are now, for better or for worse, if she hadn't left him.

I want him to come home. I want to talk this through. I am really exercizing some seriously enormous restraint! For those of you who actually know me - this is unreal.

Of course - to be fair and honest. I haven't eaten since yesterday. Not succesfully at any rate. And I don't miss it either.

So as a good consumer, I do not complain about my choice. It wass fully researched, not without its flaws, but the joys it gives and potential for joy that it will give will pay dividends for years to come.

The Plan: Month 10 and 11

I thought I had done a month 10 and discovered with a sinking feeling that I had not.

I am combining October and November into one. Sad to say that overall I am just maintaining not improving.

• Scenario 1 - Health / Exercise: Well the weight is maintaining. I am not getting sick as often and the B/P seems to be stable at the moment. I need to go back to that doctor to have a prescription refilled and I am so afraid that my B/p will be high again and he won't give it to me. I DO NOT want to start on B/P meds if I can avoid it.
• Scenario 2 - Job/Career- My boss should retire. I should be so lucky. He treats me like I am incapable of tying my own shoes. Evidently I ride the special bus to work in the morning. I generally just yes him to death and do what I normally do every day. This seems to be the only plan till year end when we can tell him to cut out the micromanaging. I would be miserable if I were the only one he does it too. But alas - it's my entire team.
• Scenario 3 - My home. I am afraid very little changed there till this week. I took care of 2 out 3 closets today. I did my desk. The Air conditioner is still not in, but that was time related.
• Scenario 4 - finances - Started Christmas Shopping. Have some personal business to deal with and a will to make, officially.
• Scenario 5 - Education - Took on one last kid as a favor but that is it. Now it's just replacement kids as they grow up and graduate.
• Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - Working on my relationships with friends and family. They are coming along. I have discovered where some of my personality traits have come from based on some interesting events that have transpired recently. I was threatened bodily by a former friend ( the diva). she took a swing at me. I noticed that I was not only NOT afraid, but almost hit her back. It was some serious restraint and the thought of another person standing between us that prevented me from swinging back at her. I never had that happen before. I am usually the one to run away from anything physical like that. That situation will take care of itself as I am bringing her up on disciplinary charges within our group. Even she isn't above the law. Meanwhile I am still dealing with the depression of my best friend. I noticed on Thanksgiving eve that he makes sure he puts on a good act and good front for our friends. He doesn't drink that much and he doesn't misbehave. He says and does all the right things so people don't see how bad it is. Then he comes home to me and it all comes out. I know that this is only my problem by proximity but it worries me. I can't stand seeing someone I love in such pain. We are working on it though.
• Scenario 7 - Self esteem - This waxes and wanes. Overall I feel that it has improved. I am trying really hard to be the strong person that I am but it's hard to overcome 20+ years of bad self esteem.
• Scenario 8 - Spirituality - I am really trying t o make it to church. 8:30 call for a 10:15 service is driving me bananas. I am not the best sleeper and to invest almost 3 and half hours at church on a Sunday is a bit much. I am really trying to sort this out. This is the third year this way. I may have to just attend church and not sing in the choir because it's too much for me. I also am having some issues with the new director. She's reaally nice and immeasurably talented but she's hard to understand. Will continue to make and effort while I lobby to get a rehearsal during the week.

The holidays

If you asked me ten years ago, "When do you start preparing for Christmas" The answer would be sometime around Christmas eve.

With each passing year it gets sooner and sooner. I know MY reason is due to my concert and performance schedule beefing up and ramping up quickly. I started the preparation of my home this weekend.


No - not decorating. Just reorganizing and prepping for the actual deorating which I am planning to do on Dec 7th.


I have started my Christmas shopping and have started planning my baking. I want to have a dinner party for another couple sometime before the blessed event as well.


I have a larger performnce schedule than normal, and my best friend is racking and stacking his gigs like crazy too. Which, of course, means getting the calendar out and putting all the dates on there. Otherwise netiher of us gets to hear the other perform. At least not till we get "our" act together.


There is also his birthday in there as well. I would like to have the dinner party as a birthday dinner for my best friend with two other couples. Not a big fuss, just a dinner amongst friends. I am not inviting the whole world and I am not making a fuss over it. He would love it but hate it. And that's just tough because I know he is working the night of his birthday and I think he needs others to make a fuss over him so he knows how much he is loved.


So I have my Martha stewart Magazines out, cookbooks, I have two closets out of 3 done.


Through all the madness that has started, I have made a promise to myself though.


My activity level has recently decreased to non existent. I tend to get melancholy during the holidays which is why I like to be busy. So I am adding walking every day for 30 monites this week. then I am adding my weights back 5 days starting next week.


I bought cards today. I bouoght a birthday card for a friend and my best friend's birthday card and Christmas card. One is lighter than the other.

I woke up with no voice today. I will be attending my rehearsal tonight with the Diva who took a swing at me last week. I am taking her up on disciplinary actions. I am just busy writing that up. behaviour not befitting a board member.

I gained 2 pounds from Thanksgiving for which I am giving thanks. Because I practically ate myself into a coma. it's not that I overate - if you had seen my plate, no one would believe how little I ate. It's just that for ME it was a lot in one sitting. I eat that much over the course of one day not all at once. And I think that made in impact on how my body processed it.

Of course Scale Mistress makes a compelling point about vitamins and I need to get back to it.

So, in short the prep for the holidays, I hope will make things easier for me.

We shall see....

Happy Thanksgiving

I find myself writing this in a lukewarm mood.

Possibly because I am tired, from overeating,but largely I think because of some of the twists in my life that I have been eluding too.

Now I won't dwell on them as this is supposed to be a thanksgiving post. All I will say is that I am overly thankful this year, but with less joy. Depression in a loved one can do that and I am not dealing as well with them as I would like.

enough.

What I am thankful for is that I have a wonderful family who has flaws because they are human. But they are still mine and I love them just for that reason alone and thankful that they are mine.

I am also thankful for my career and job, regardless of the down sides.

I am thankful for the vast array of friends that I h ave been blessed with. All are different, all hae very specific things that drew us together and all of them are special to me in wonderful and lovely ways.

I am blessed to own a home and a car. I am blessed with two beautiful cats. I am blessed with a person who loves me. I am blessed to love him too. I am thankful to have these elements in my life.

On wednesday, a wise friend of mine said to me "We have many things like what you are going through happen to us. What separates you and I out of it, is that, while we do what needs doing to help our loved ones, we also see the blessings that we have as well"

I thought that very appropriate. I try to remember my blessings when I am ready to give up the fight for what I want.

So on this Thanksgiving night, with my tummy full of wonderful food, I am thankful for my life, and the people in it. I know that when the going gets tough there blessings that can get me through.

Bless all of you and have a wonderfully Thankful weekend!

Life is strange

My college room-mate and one of my bestest friends in the world sent me an email today.

I can guarantee you that had this email come from anyone else, I would have been crazy defensive.

Here's why. She compared my current with her ex. In similarities. I should also say that I couldn't stand her ex. And I made that clear.

Time does strange things though. Her email was honest and based solely on what I have said to date. It was actaully good that she wrote it and I am very very glad that she did. because it forced me to step back and look at both men for their similarities AND their differences.

The differences are huge. The similarities, I hate to say this, sort of go with the age. We are talking about men who lived through the 60's and 70's and all the things that go with that

This latest crisis that I have been going through has been hard. And she has been a rock today. I love her for it because she loves me enough to be honest with me about the things she hears and reads from me.

She forced me, without realizing it, to defend him in all the good things that he is. I wrote them in my reply - which was an interesting exchange. She's probably the only person that I know who can challenge me that way and neither of us got defensive or ugly about it, just sort of matter of factly wrote out what we thought and when I wrote out the initial list, I had to stop because I would have been writing for awhile. I didn't even have to think through what his good points where. They just flowed out of me like an open water valve. she was surprised. All she's heard recently is the bad things.

I think as people we have a tendancy to be embarassed by seeing good in others. I know I do it. But I notice even with my other friends, we are quick to talk about the bad things that are plaguing us. Whose husband is pissing them off, whose parents are driving them nuts. We don't hear about how after 10+ years of marriage, through the good and bad, sickness, health, that they still do nice things for each other.

One of my girlfriends is married to a really great guy. I adore them both. They drive each other nuts, but love each other greatly. I called today to talk to her, and she had been out since 8AM. I spoke to her husband who said he hadn't seen her since 8 and it was now 3 and he couldn't wait to see her.

I hung up and started to cry at how incredibly sweet that was after all the years and kids and stress that they have.

I think we are embarassed to acknowledge how we feel about others. I think that we as a people have a tendancy to have that viewed as weakness in our cutthroat lives.

I can guarantee that I did.

If it weren't for Mrs Jackson, Vinny and Maplemama I don't think I would have ever uttered the words I love you to my friends. Seriously. I feel it, I know its present in my heart, but I couldn't say it. These folks just say these things as the feel them and they don't apologize for it or are embarassed by it. Excellent role models for me.

Now I say it.

I also am starting to make a point of looking at the good things and making sure that people know how I feel.

I know I am pile of goo on the inside. I am just ever so afraid that people will see that. and view as weak, or worse overly emotional. I was always overly emotional as a child and my parents didn't know how to deal with that as they weren't really like that. Or maybe I was too much of a handful - I don't know. What I do know is that I remember my stepfather asking me why I have to cry all the time and at everything. Why was I so emotional.

I worked really hard to squash that. It didn't work out so well. I built big thick solid walls around myself. Protecting myself from the hurt and pain. No pain, no tears. Neat right?

Anyone curious why I have a weight problem???? anyone seeing the pattern yet?

I am really working hard at this relationship. It's not without it's issues and problems. My gutt instinct when one rises up is to run for the hills. Then one of my friends talks me down ( Thank you Ms Siamese) and then another comes in and forces me to look for the good ( Thank you Am) and the fight comes back. The fire reignites in my belly.

I think the lesson here for me, is not just knowing in your heart what the good in your loves ones is, but being able to articulate it, even and especially when the chips are down. It brings different perspectives and helps the brain work out the solutions even while you are at rest.

Good friends are hard to find. especially the ones that know you longest. If you have lived together, so much the better. Don't let them go.

Hold on with both hands and fight to keep them.

Taking care of long term business

I have to make a will.

I don't want to, but I'm at that age. I actually own property, so that also makes it necessary.

I also have life insurance and stuff, making this necessary.

Sometime ago, I made my brother and his wife the beneficiary and contingents at 100%.

After a lot of thought and a lot of soul searching, I modified it this evening and added a second benificiary.

I made the split 75% to my brother and 25% to the secondary beneficiary.

It's the right thing to do, even if its going to cause some controversy in my family. I don't care. It's what I want. I need to do this. I will be more at peace right knowing this is taken care of.

I asked Mrs. Jackson if she would take my cats in the event that something untimely happens to me. I asked that she raise them the way that I would.

She agreed, which I was counting on.

All that is left is the matter of my home, car and piano. The rest is incidental.

I am tidying up the interior and getting rid of extraneous things as well as giving away things I don't need or use. I live well, but I don't take care of things the way that I should.

Deciding how to handle the house is tough. What I want to do with it, is, leave it to one of the life insurance beneficiaries so they will always have a place to live. I don't know how that will fly or work, but I am expecting and anticipating that being the way this is going to go.

Oh and I know what my attorney will say. Again - don't care. He will advise me properly and I will listen and hear what he says, then I will do it my way.

It's an act of love, making sure that the people you love most in the world are taken care of after you depart.

I plan to have my funeral wishes written down and included in the will as well. For those of you that know me and will most likely outlive me, please, I trust you will see to it that they are followed.

Morbid... maybe.

But none-the-less.... an act of love.

If the second beneficiary is reading this.... I love you.

CATS!

My cats have a tough time relating to people with deep voices. So Wolfi has been slowly adjusting to having my bf around.

Today was the ultimate though. I spent a sleepless night and was upset at some things going on and not going on ( real or imagined). I finally went back to bed only to see my cat sleeping on him.

That traitor.

I went to sleep figureing it was a one shot deal.

Ah but no.

The little orange bastard curled up on his lap to sleep for the better part of the afternoon. Good thing I got in there in the morning or I would have had NO cuddle time with him at all. What's good for the cat is good for the mother! In fact he wanted to know if it was alright with Wolfi!

As I was walking out the the door, the two of then looked up at me and he said " this is MY cat now".

Ha,

Not till he feeds them and deals with the litter box!

Weirdness

I have always suspected that the man I would spend my life with would be different and the relationship would be anything but normal.


I also knew - and I mean knew - that I would be tested by God and this man in very unique and special ways.


I have to admit trying desparately to take the easy way out. I have dated scores of men inside my and above my income level, I have dated scores of men equal to and above my intelligence level. I have dated very few musicians, but the ones I dated were very carefully selelcted by my psyche subconsciously.


I am all about tradition. I want the house with the proverbial picket fence, minus the kids and dog. Substitute peace and quiet and the ability to sleep in and some cats and we're golden.


What I have learned about myself and about God is, there is no easy way out and you really cannot help who you fall in love. I have discovered that when I realized who I truly loved, he was smarter than I am, a far superior musician in some respects but not all, more life experience ( of course that comes with age) and many many other traits. Most importantly, kindness and the ability to make me laugh, and oh my gosh, do I laugh like hell.


Being with a musician, a working one, is wonderful. It's also hard and stressful and takes a lot of trust and faith.


But It's not instinctive. Not for one second. I think it takes MORE faith and MORE trust than the ordinary relationships that I have been in . I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am any good at those things either. Hence the tests.


I get uptight about the women. I admit it. But I realized something. He wouldn't mention it at all, if it were important. It's an amazing ego boost for a man who thinks little of himself when he has so much that he offers and so freely gives of himself. And lord there are so many of them that it's hard for a guy to not look.

It's all about the communication. As long as thee dialogue is going on, things are goinig to be OK.

And Now we wait

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I do not have a lot of patience. More to the point, I don't have a lot of patience when waiting for something.

The worst thing on earth is to call or leave a message, with no indicative tone of voice, that we need to talk. and then leave me hanging.

Largely because I have never had good things come from that. It's always been bad news.

Tonight I am sitting on edge and waiting because the Whore is at the bar where my bf is performing tonight.

The possibility of a showdown exists.

I'm a wreck pending the outcome and he hasn't called me yet. He even come by. We discussed it. I'll see him tomorrow either way.

But in the meantime, this has been eating him alive all week and it's passed on to me too. He's been wonderful about not pushing the issues here, but I'm stressed all the same.

I'd fight tigers for him. Including her.

Halloween with a Hangover

There are ways to spend this holiday, and there are ways not to.

I can spectacularly recommend NOT spending it with a Cabernet/Syrah blend Hangover.

But let me tell you why.

A week ago today, my bf and I had a "thing". Not a fight. Not an argument. Not a single harsh word expressed, no hidden agenda's or meanings. Just a thing. Just a hot button topic - for both - that hit me wrong on that day.

Yes - the whore. Who is still.... no more.

But none the less - a hot button topic because she won't let go. Constant calling and emailing. With no response until now. He took the call to tell her "stop and leave me be".

And seriously - I knew it. I told him I knew he had talked to her because he was different. Not better, not worse - just different.

It didn't go that way. It didn't go well for her at all. Harsh words were exchanged and the potential for further ugliness exists for Friday night at his gig. He asked me, for this week only, not to come.


When I asked him what he wants out of all of this, the only thing he said was, an apology for using his heart for batting practice.


I don't know about you, ladies, but when breaking up, an apology for any heart pain, past or future usually accompanies it. So the fact that she did not offer up one that was memorable ennough for him ( and ladies - he's sensitive - he takes that stuff personally) has him hurt.


I asked him if he can let it go and he told me "She has nothing whatsoever to do with us. We are OK - I just need the final closure. Please don't come on Friday. I would rather you not be a part of it"

I only said that I'm sorry she hurt him so badly and from that point on, we were on the path back to normal after a week of tension.

I knew he was feeling better too because he was more affectionate in the normal ways, he mentioned my hair and how nice it looked.... all the little things that had been missing for a week though both of us were trying hard NOT to let it interfere and sit between us.

It occurred to me, after speaking with Ms. Jackson over the weekend, that depression really does do strange things to people. I am not responsible for the depression and it's not being taken out on me specifically. I am not sure much can be done till there is a major and significant change in his family situation. This is the bad that goes with the good. The good is amazing so I can handle this....

He's learning about me too. That when I have a bad day at work, there is very big possibility that I am going to be over sensitive to criticism and corrections. Because at work, I am routinely treated like an incompetent idiot. We had some discussion about that last night too.

It's a learning process. Really.

Bringing me back to the beginnning. This situation or learning experience caused us both to drink more than normal but only as the release when it was all over. I don't normally even drink during the week to start with. Consequently, both of us have hangovers that are kicking us around this Halloween.

Whenever I ask myself how I ended up in a situation where I am battling a ghost and if it's worth it I think about the fact that if this hadn't started while she was still in the picture, he wouldn't know what a good thing he had to in his life. That's what finally pushed him into getting rid of her. He had a taste of someone who loves him and puts him first ( or second but definitely in the top 3). He fought to keep me in his life to start with and I don't take that for granted. So a little patience on my part is OK.

I feel so much better now, despite the hangover. I will suffer through the kids that will come here, I will laugh and compliment their costumes. I will hand out the candy I bought and smile.

Because though he just left, he'll be back later.

The Lingerie buyer

Poor Poodle.

With the advent of the trip coming up, I tend to be over prepared and I was working hard at the latest challenge - trying to determine what to wear to sleep in.

So I went to the VS website and started poking around. I picked out a couple of outfits that were designed for comfort and were sexy - whicch of course has its own set of criteria.

I called Poodle and made him look at them to help me out.

Girls.... don't make your gay guy friends pick out lingerie and especially not at work.

He kept saying.... "People are walking past my desk and seeing this stuff.... I have a reputation at stake here!"

To which I continue to reply: "That is the entire point of the Gay Guy straight girl relationship!!!! You are supposed to dress me!!!"

Needless to say - the one he picked out? One I already own. One I have never worn.

And here's the beauty of it.

It now fits again.

I cannot WAIT to go on the trip.

A quick update on the music

I just received a call ( yes I just hung up now after 30 minutes) from the new director of the group I have been with for 15 years.

For all intents and purposes, his goal was to convince and entice me to stay and to that end, he asked me to audition for the solo's and to please consider being section head.

Section head has morphed into a bigger job than the attendance that it used to be. It is now reviewing and moving seats around to keep the weak in front, the strong in back and the middle, well, in the middle.

It will be compensated in some fashion yet to be determined.

He was blissfully unaware until this week that the diva had control issues and wasn't going to rest until she drove me out.

He is not only aware of it now, but planning to slowly take things from her to re-balance the control throughout the group.

The fact is, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have left. But left unchecked, I can't make my peace with being there. I am willing to give it winter and re-evaluate.

This group is near and dear to my heart. This is a family legacy for me. Leaving was the only way I could have musical peace.

I don't expect to have that peace back immediately, however, I think that this could work out. I will give it my best shot through the end of the year and see where we are in the spring.

He's a nice and talented man. I don't think that he really had any idea - or needed to care - about the stupid political machinations of this group. I told him that I wouldn't have mentioned these issues to him if the president of the board hadn't already done so as this should not be something to concern himselff with. He has bigger fish to fry.

And the diva thinks that I am Unprofessional?

I still turn up my nose, and laugh french-like, at her.... because I can.

Had chest pains yesterday.

I noticed that they were not pains really, but not pressure. When I took a deep breath, it felt as if someone had a finger in my rib cage.

This went on most of the week, but was worse on Friday.

So, I went to see the Doctor.

Who told me to calm the hell down.

Backing up....

When we last left the Contessa, she was stressed out badly at work, had a slight bump in her relationship that was more or less her issue and was taking steps to relieve the stress of her extra-curricular music activities.

Update:

Work - still not good. Leader is micromanaging to the point where he is talking to my team as well as to myself like we are in Mickey Mouse Club.

Bel Canto - Herr Direktor is supposed to be calling me to ask me to stay, be section leader and to please audition for the solos.

relationship - Contessa apologized for not being as strong as she normally is, finally 'fessed up to the stress she has been under. The bf called last night, and showed up with wine for her, BK for him and Band of Brothers for the two of them. He spent the night, things were still tense, but it's residual and will go away.

Fast Forward:

I thought that the chest Discomfort would go away when 2 out of three things were solved. Nope. They didn't relieve until this evening and that's because I am not working. So the discomfort is actually work related. I am going to see Louise to see if there is something I can do, take, whatever that will assist in calming me down.

On a side note - I have discovered that Mederma is an amazing invention. Having severe stretch marks under my arms from my eczema, they are clearing up rapidly. I'm really happy about this. Amazing stuff with a unique smell. Not bad, just odd.

Another side note - red wine does assist in the calming down process, just keep the volume minimal.... ;-) the hangover's a bitch.

A last side note, had a really good conversation with Am today. We had a lot of fun and we covered a wide variety of topics. She made the observation that she too, tends to be mad at herself when she can't be strong for someone else. And she made the wise point that we are only human and sometimes our reactions are normal and sometimes all things aren't equal and the same information could just hit wrong. I hate that I wasn't the "rock" that I normally was. But I recognize that I am human and I feel OK about it. I did apologize to him for not being strong enough to handle it that day and in light of the other things that happened to me this week, he did understand that, but we are still "recovering" from it.

Not recognizing worth

As I have mentioned, I quit the performance ensemble that I belonged to for 15 years. It was a hard decision but it needed to be done.

The fact is I was not being recognized for my value and my worth. Quite clearly, the diva can cover all of it so why should I continue to beat myself over the head and pay money to be unhappy? Logical.

So I quit.

My job however I can't do that with. At least not now. The fact is, My boss got recognized for his value and his worth on my project. No disrespect to him, but he couldn't have managed his way out of paper bag on this. It was custom, it was difficult and the customer did not have a clue. So add that with the fact that my manager is a figurehead, that would have been the single biggest mess ever.

I was supposed to have been recognized but they gave it to my boss instead.

Two places that mean a lot to me have made it clear that I am not worthy.

Then the whore got back into my life again. she called him ( he didn't take the call) and emailed him twice saying not haing him in her life as a friend is unbearable. While on paper, this doesn't have anything to do with me, and I realize that, this is however marginally upsetting and it's all about the timing. You see, I had that creepy feeling early in the day, like someone was walking over my grave, and the words from one of her emails to him back in May crept into my brain. Something I hadn't thought about SINCE then. That was the moment that he was reading the email from her. So the combo made me uneasy and caused an entire evening of strain between us.

I did apologize and he did call me out on her being the problem. I acknowledged it and we discusssed a bit. I am not angry at him. He did nothing wrong. Telling me about it is not a bad thing. I just couldn't get out of fmy own head on it and it hasn't bothered me in quite awhile. I would rather not prohibit him from discussing things that are on his mind.

In reference to the emails andn calls, I told him that my preference was that he not respond. He didn't.

I'm angry at myself for this. I should be trusting in myself more. I don't. My self esteem is taking a big hit of late. I didn't realize how bad it was until this occurred.

What pisses me off so much is - I KNOW I AM WORTH MORE AND THE VALUE I BRING TO MY JOB, THAT CHORAL GROUP and MY RELATIONSHIP.... is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But yet, others choose not to see it.

Everything is clearly a popularity contest. Even at this age.

Birds

For all you bird-lovers out there, I'm sorry.

But I hate birds as pets.

I think they are really pretty to look at, but this is where it ends.

I have a neighbor. They are in the process of moving out. They are the nicest people on earth.

Except.

They own not one, but TWO African Grey Parrots.

Now PArrots of any kind and I NEVER get along. They shriek at inappropriate times as if someone is being murdered.

These two however REALLY piss me off.

But let me tell you why.

You know the new song that the Ice cream man plays? I'm sure it has a title.... but I don't know what it is.

Anyhoo....

These freaking birds can SING IT. LOUDLY.

So it's bad enough that I now listen to the ice cream man, at 10 PM no less, running around the block with this freaking song on a loop.... but now I have to hear it in stereo across the damn hall!!!!!!

but that's not all.

They have expanded their repertoire to also include La Cuckaracha and the Tequila song ( A little Pee Wee Herman perhaps).

What a freaking treat.

I will miss Dan and Miriam. But not these two. Hell no, they can leave now.

I can assist by sending my cats across the hall.

THey were looking hungry anyway.....

Happiness is....

Your choice.

Pick the thing that makes you happy.

You are not limited to one thing.

and it can't be anything from that song.

Seriously.

Sage advice from the ever brilliant Maple mama runs to my brain whenever doubt sets in.

I can translate it into three words.

Ride the wave.

I have another friend who is 25 and just got engaged. I sang with her in the group I just tendered my tentative resignation.

I sent her an email that explained what happened and how I felt about it. She sent back a lovely note that said " you need to do the things that make you smile... and I should take my own advice!".

I thought about this for a couple of days. I am happy. I have someone in my life who makes me smile, who reassures me when I have doubts, even when they may be about myself or him ( regardless of whether he even knows), I took my music and pared it down to the things that I love and cut out the crap that I don't need nor want.

I decided that if something isn't working in my life or someone isn't working in my life, I need to fix it or get rid of it.

I've discovered that i have no patience for stupid shit. I can't stand the popularity contest, or competition over something that isn't a competition in the first place. I don't want to get dramatic over anything that doesn't involve me or someone that I love who needs to feel defended.

So after listening to K's advice and Maple Mama's, I realized that it's better to have less and be happy with it than more and be miserable and busy.

What I like about this new plan, it gives me back some of my own time.... that's the real blessing!

I'm home

For the first time this weekend, I am in my house.

This weekend has been a marathon not a sprint.

First, Friday night I had the talent show from hell. This was supposed to start at 7 and started 20 minutes late for reasons I can't fathom.

The show, which only had 14 acts less than 5 mins each, proceeded to take 2 hours and 30 minutes plus 2 30 minute intermissions.

My act was second to last.

I didn't win, I didn't plan to win, I was there to add filler acts to a HS talent show.

By the time I got home, I could b arely put a coherent sentence together and the joke for the night was " I didn't realize that this was a sleepover talent show - I would have brought my sleeping bag!"

Yesterday , I ran like a lunatic and did all my errands, then had dinner with my best girlfriend and her hubby.

I got home around 9.

Today, I went to church, I had lunch with Bernie, and went to the bar to hear my best friend play. Then I taught an hour lesson, verbally resigned from the group that I sing with. I walked into my house at 8PM.

Here's the deal on the resignation. The reality is, I don't need to pay money to be irritated and angry. When I really reviewed why I was staying, it ultimately got round to two things. One, I was staying to keep the diva from getting what she really wanted ( me gone) and two, emotional ties to my dad and uncle who founded it. Letting the Diva win, believe it or not, was the harder thing to let go.

Once I made the decision though, I didn't feel anything. Not anything bad. I felt release. YOu would think after 12 years wtih this group that I would miss it or feel something.

But no.

Nothing.

Making the decision was harder than carrying it out.

I feel badly that I did it on a voice mail, but too bad. I came home, and am doing some chores. Then I'll have some light snack and a bath, then to bed.

It's really appealing and my December, as Bernie pointed out, is one concert performance lighter.

I miss the relaxing weekends though.

This is the game that never ends

Years ago, I saw stand up on HBO by Rita Rudner.

One of her skits was about playing peek-a-boo on the plane with the child in front of you.

Her take on this is, DO NOT START THIS GAME.

It's the game that has no end.

Every time the kid turns around... she kept saying

"It's me silly"

The kid turns around again

"It's still me silly"

Again

"yep - STILL ME"

My version of this game is with one of those cheesy toys that are usually a gift with purchase from somewhere and involves 2 four year olds.

The toy, for lack of a more creative name we'll call BOING. it's one of those small springloaded monsters that you push the spring down so that the suction cup on the bottom creates a seal. The pressure the spring causes the monster to bounce in the air making a boiing sound.

except this one doesn't work properly. It takes WAY too long to spring.

My best girlfriend and were playing this with her girls and we came up with the plan of setting the toy, dropping it from 8 inches in the air. We get the bounce AND the boing.

Which is when the trouble started.

Now the girls want to do it too. It radically went to "my turn, my turn".

We must have done "one more time" 10 more times.

If you know anything about Spamalot, a rewrote the words to " The song that never ends"

This is the game that's gone too long.
THis is the game that never ends.

I told her to HIDE this toy. Or lose it, or break it.

It was cute though. These kids always give me good entertainment.

Some Days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed

And that, my friends, was today.

From the minute I actually got out of bed, this day TANKED.

I won't elaborate on the work parts because, well, while they sucked, its really just another day in the life. BUT.

It did contribute to the murderous rage I was feeling by 5PM.

I was actually angry at that, because my kids that I teach do not deserve to have to put up with my rages at my life.

I was tempted to cancel and thought it would be a better growth opportunity for me to work through it.

So, in the midst of having quite to work day, I jump to a realization of information I have had since Saturday.

No, I am NOT slow, but I did shelve it.

I sing with a group that was founded by Uncle and carried by my dad till he passed. At that point we hired a young director roughly my age but did not renew his contract after the first year was over to a conflict in vision. Brilliant musician, just not for this group. Then we hired my voice coach ( who wasn't at the time) and he stayed with us for 3 years. He opted not to renew his contract this year.

Through All this, I had been on the board of directors. At some point, the diva became threatened by me and as she does in any competitive situation, she had me removed from the board by campaigning. She wasn't on the slate but opted to do a write in for herself as she felt that I had been on the board for too long.

Well. I was upset, but then realized I had hte best of all possible worlds, I could sing, attend meetings if I wanted but had no actual responsibility. Yes... this has definite possibilities.

So I went on happily in this fashion, getting my solos and singing beautiful music.

Then our director resigns and the "new" board hires a new one.

He's excellent. Talented, reasonable and fun. Yes he is very good for us.

But I'm not happy. I attended 3 out 5 rehearsals. But I'm not happy.

I really sat down and thought about it this week.

The reason that I'm not happy has nothing to do the director.

You see, in my section I am the most qualified person to be section leader. But I can't. Because of my last name.

I am the most qualified person to hold board position of Music Librarion. But I can't. Because of my last name.

I would be qualified to direct this group. But I can't. Because of my last name.

Are we seeing a pattern here?

The people in power right now got there by default and empty promises. ( sounds a little bit like our government does it not?)

They are threatened by people who are actually talented, motivated and do the work.

So, one of the newer board members is a woman I will call the name dropper. She is sad soul who feels her worth is made up by the people she knows.

She made the mistake of mentioning, in a board meeting that I did not attend, that her sister was a far superior flautist to me and if we are hiring professionals, her sister is the better choice.

Now I ask you. If you said this to a board about someone and one of that person's parents were on the board.... would that make you smart? would you think shrewd?

Or is that just STUPID????

The phone rang off the hook as 2/3 of the board ratted her out.

So I wrote her this email today.

Dear Name Dropper:

It has come to my attention, through several sources, that you feel your sister is a far superior flautist than I am. While it is your opinion and I respect your right to have it, I would suggest that, in the future, before you critique my performance, you may want to make sure you have actually heard it. As a professional musician, I have extensive degree's and credentials in this area and I take offense to unqualified criticism.

Best Regards,

The Contessa.

The tap dance that I got back was as follows:

Contessa,

I in no way meant any offense to your abilities as a flautist, and I have heard you play at last year's concert. You did a very good job. My concern is that if we are putting together a professional ensemble, we should get performers where instrumental performing is their forte. If you have that experience, my apologies. Your strength, in my opinion, is singing. The evidence for that is your well-deserved solos. I further don't understand why you would pay to be in a chorus and then want to play with the ensemble instead of singing. I personally would not want to be in a chorus and then end up playing an instrument for half the concert. I would find other outlets for my instrumental interests.

I cannot deny the fact that I do not know your degrees, credentials and experience. I do know my sister's extensive resume. I also have to admit to being partial to my sister, who is also a professional musician

I also apologize that you even heard any of this. In my opinion, people have to learn when to keep their mouths shut. Feel free to inform those "several sources" that I said so.

I hope we can consider this a small blip in our relationship.

Regards,

Name Dropper

Now, You may be wondering what credentials she has to make these determinations at all???

Well this is pretty big.

None.

Yes, that's right. Not one flippin thing.

This is why I am considering leaving the group.

No Not this ONE instance. This is the straw that broke the camels back. But because I am not valued here. The director, who doesn't know me, has now been subjected to hearing criticism of my many talents by the immature 50+ year old women who are so threatened that they trash anyone. I have stayed this long to keep them from turning on a younger more talented woman in my group. She is a brilliant young coloratura and I kind of protect her a bit from this crap.

She can handle them though. Better than I can actually. I took a page from her book on this.

I don't need to pay money to sing with a group that penalizes me for being the daughter of a great musician and the great niece of famous composer. I don't need to pay money to sing in a group that penalizes me for being a professional regardless of how I am being treated. I don't need to spend money to sing period. I get paid. elsewhere.

I can also more money and sing with a more musical, more professional and much higher caliber group with a demanding director who always delivers a spectacular performance whether I agree with her solo choices or not. If we get yelled at, it's because, we are not doing something right and it's usually as a group not an individual.

Now to be fair, I have a lightly harder audition each season because of my dad. Not that I am judged more harshly, but I am criticized more than most because of the potential that she knows is in me. I am not thrilled about it, but I am OK with it.

I went to that rehearsal tonight. And I viewed it through different eyes. I could make my home here. I really could. Not singing with the other group would also gain me access to the philharmonic again.

We were 30 minutes late to this rehearsal. We got applause for walking in at all. She's not usually that kindly.... normally I would be lacking a finger at the minimum, a full limb at the max. But she was kind and funny.

I really think I could make this my home. No more bullshit.

what a refreshing concept.

I spoke to Pat the president of the romper room group. I had stuck it out this long for him as he needed support in the masses. I told him I would have a decision by the end of the week. I won't leave them hanging. But I don't see why I should stay. I can't envision a reason to stay at this point. It hurts that I am being penalized for being related to 2 amazing , albeit deceased, musicians. And it bothers me more that the diva feels she has to behave this way in order to move ahead.

A director of mine once said "the person who is assertive moves up and ahead bringing those beneath him up with him. An Agressive person is one who steps on those beneath him on his way up."

The diva can't make it on her own. She has recruited some henchmen to help her in her quest, but the fact remains that if she, at 51 years of age, had the self assurance and confidence, I wouldn't have a post to write tonight on this topic.

On the high side of the day. I had Candy corn for dinner. And I won an ebay auction for something special for my sweetie.

Both things happened AFTER I got home.

The day ended more peacefully than it started.

That's the shape of my heart

I've noticed subtle changes in me lately.

There's a relaxing of the mind and soul that is unusual for me.

I suffer from conscious tension and fear. But at the same time, I have peace in my soul. Now.

I don't know why but I have always been embarassed by my emotions. If I feel something, I feel like I have to hide it.

In college, I met people who didn't do that. Maple Mama, Bernie and Am are the three that come to mind, but they aren't the only three. These are people that I have been so close to.... Marriages, children, illness in parents, death of parents, reuniting with family, birthdays, holidays, you name it. In those times I can look back at each person named here, and see birthdays of Bernie's kids, Communions, baptisms, Special birthdays of Bernie himself, a memorable trip to see Maple Mama when Bernie's son was small, being made of honor for Am, surprising her with her bridal shower that Maple and I threw, spending the night at her house during the NTE's, attending her grandfather's funeral that same weekend, Partying in our dorm during the summer when we broke in. All these memories of people I love who are as close to me, and in some ways closer, than my own family.

These are people who say they love you and mean it and aren't embarassed that they feel that. These are people who have redefined the word love and coyned the expression LOEV. It means something special only to the four of us. It can't be defined here, but we know what it means.

Over all these 20 years, they have helped me to learn that it's OK to feel things and it's OK to verbalize them. I have grown so much for all of them having been part of my life. We have had to fight at times to keep the friendship alive Because life and distance and certain things like that, get in the way.

I'm at a point in my life where knowing how my heart works, emotionally, is really key. I am impatient and impulsive. I worry that I am not doing the right things by my friends and I am sensitive. And I'm pushy. I want everything now.

We have changed though....Now I am letting the person who is important to me, catch up to me without being pushed by me. My impatience has left the building. Without being told, asked, shoved or anything. It was almost like a serenity blanket was put over me and I was able to relax and let him take his own path and time to get where we need to be. I'm already at one level and he's catching up now.

I had a glimpse of it the other night. Friday night, I mentioned to him that in all probability I was going to have a houseguest who happens to be one of my best friends on a temporary basis. Remember - we have a gag rule that is technically still in effect, but is starting to loosen. He was not only fine with it, but managed to recall WHO it was with some detail, their spouse and children's names and approximate levels in school. He was interested in meeting him - also good because that's something that's important to me.

These are good things. These are basic things, but I am so accustomed to drama that when it leaves I sometimes don't know how to relax.

But I'm learning. Every day. Little things change the shape of my heart. Mabye It's starting to grow back bigger. Or maybe it was this big to start with and I was only using a small part of it.

Whatever the reason is, this is now the new shape of my heart.

Ashes and Snow

One of the things I love most about my best friend is that he loves all things beautiful. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder of course.

But he likes to share them with others and he has the knack to know who will truly appreciate it.

Tonight he jumped up off the couch and showed me a website that was nothing short of spectacular. If his head hadn't been up his ass when it came to town months ago, he would have taken me in to see it.

The site and the artists vision is called "Ashes and Snow"

The photographs and videos are of unusual, peaceful and tranquil poses and movements by humans in conjunction to animals such as Elephants, Manitees and Cheetahs... birds, Lynx....

They are quite possibly some of the most exquisite photo's I have ever seen. Each one is more beautiful than the last one and they are peaceful and tranquil.

This project took over 10 years to create and in every picture, humans eyes are closed and animals' eyes are open. From that perspective, given what I know about these kinds of animals, the eyes closed are to assist in not engaging the animal in attack posture. Direct eye contact can cause an animal who is afraid, to engage in attack.

But the effect is so calming and so trusting.

Trust.

The trust portrayed between these animals and human beings is really important.

For me it was somewhat representative of the lack of trust in each other. That over a 10 year period, this artist was able to capture that trust between humans and dangerous animals without a hint or a flinch of stress on these faces is absolutely amazing to me.

He explained that the stills were arranged in a long tranquil corridor fashion, and presentation is everything as we know. He took one of his friends with him and she absolutely loved it. She's an art professor, so that actually makes some sense.

I couldn't decide which was my favorite shot. I invite you to check out the website and decide on your own.

This was a really special moment for me. I hope you all enkoy it as much as I did.

Anxiety

I have been diagnosed as having "Higher Anxiety levels than is normal for a woman my age".

What a freaking treat.

So what made me go to the doctor about this a month ago?

Well, Lately I have had more and more trouble winding down at night.

Oh I pulled all my tricks out of the bag, the PM yoga, the warm lavendar bath, the not putting the computer on after a certain hour, not watching high action or emotionally charged films after a certain hour....

None of my old tricks work. I spent and spend, too much time focusing on one or two topics that caused me anxiety.

Work is the NUMBER 1 reason for the anxiety.

Here's a news flash for all you people who need to control everything, are overly demanding and need to be in charge all the time.... you are micro managers. It's a trust issue. You simply are unable to trust the people who are involved to do things where the end result is the correct one. Sometimes you choose these people, and sometimes they are handed down.

Micro managers are usually exceptionally good team players. Because of their need for control, they can be phenomenal individual contributors. But to manage or oversee a group of people? Not usually an actual strength. It can be learned but generally speaking its not this type of person's strength.

Management is about leading people towards a common goal. In truth you are, at any given time, either managing people, time or tasks.

In a highly functional team, like mine, you rarely have to manage people or tasks. Just time. And usually your own. Occasionally when there is more work than people and things need to be prioritized, that's when the time management assistance comes into play. If we need a task to be escalated, we normally don't wait for a manager, we just do it ourselves.

When we work for a micro manager, you get your time, your tasks, yourself and even the way you do things, managed. What that tells most human beings is, you are not qualified or capable of making these basic decisions on your own. And it's very degrading.

Micro managers tend to lose patience when focused on their ultimate goal. Sometimes they are short or bark other times they speak to you condescendingly as if you couldn't possibly know or understand what they are trying to accomplish here.

So my power woman psyche at work is taking a lot of hits of late. What I am also finding is that my musical life is providing those same hits as well. Thus the high Anxiety on two things that I am good at.

Criticism is OK. It's necessary even. How else can we as people improve and know how we are doing on a scale if there wasn't any?

But at my age to work for a person who overseas when I pull my email or tells me that I have to push an order ( when he says that on every order ) or chastises me becauseI didn't tell him about the vacation days that were on the schedule for over a month? PLease.

And they took our headcount away. So now we have to do 6 peoples' work with 5.

So what am I doing about it.

I started a holistic remedy that allows me to take ann herbal mixture anytime I feel the anxious panicky feeling to rise up. I am still doing the yoga, bath and all that..... but I finding the herbal mixture is actually helpful for me. It reduces the anxiety a bit.

I notice some new symptoms are the increased road rage. The inability to tolerate even mild criticism from family and friends, the lack of tolerance towards large groups of people who can't take direction. This should eventually be managed and I am working out every day to help reduce the stress and anxiety.

I'm just managing the anxiety. One source of stress is largely relieved or at least lifting, but the work issue needs to be managed better.

Yes - I know this appears to be a rant but hey, it's my blog and I'll rant if I want to!

The Plan Month 9

Nope I haven't forgotten about the plan.




Scenario 1 - Health / Exercise: My blood pressure is more stable now. I have been taking something for the stress and anxiety that I have been dealing with for 6 months. A friend of mine is a holistic healer and she gave me a combo of Skullcap and Mother wart.... in a vodka base. I still say it's the vodka but whatever. It's doing the job.


Weight is still down at 25 lbs. I started walking with 1 lb hand weights 2-3 miles a day. I feel good and the inches are moving. Slowly but surely, the numbers will budge too. I am having some difficulties on this plateau but I can get through this.



Goals for October: To continue the walking and add Weight training 3 days a week. Keep Blood Pressure within range. Keep skin stable.


Scenario 2 - Job/Career- Eh - nothing new here. Same old same old. Not good, not bad. Just the same.



Goals for October: Maintain the pace and not murder my boss.


Scenario 3 - My home - A/C is still not installed. My super was out of town. I Organized my books and CD's. I am trying to stay on top of the pickup so that it's not so overwhelming when Maria is coming.

Goals for October:

1. Install A/C
2. Organize and pare down closets
3. Organize Kitchen
4. Fix Faucette in kitchen
5. Fix hall Closet door
6. Hang mirror
   

Scenario 4 - finances - New car issues have cropped up. I am working on creatively getting the money together to deal with that.

Goals for OCtober - Clean up Car issues and resume savings

Scenario 5 - Education - I'm getting tired of being THIS busy all the time. I am not taking any new kids now. This is it, I need to have time to myself and my personal life needs some attention.

Goals For October - No more new kids. I need time for me.

Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - I'm working on nurturing them. Its tougher than I expected but at the same time I am starting to notice that I am opening up. the openess has caused me to re-evaluate some of the "old" wounds that are scabbed over but not as healed as I had thought. Things that do not even pertain to my current situation.

New situation with me being the only one has taken a new chapter out and we've taken a slight hit in a sense, we now hae to learn to be just us. A not bad problem to have honestly, but it's manifested in places I wouldn't have expected. It needs some work and some nurturing but I have confidence in it. And I have Maple Mama to thank for some assistance.

Goals for OCtober - Work on the new relationship. Keep communicating. Don't be so afraid.

Scenario 7 - Self esteem - Admitting and acknowledging something in my past to my my best friend caused me some issues, in my own head of course. I took some of these matters into my own hands to help re-build confidence in my own self. I feel better and I think I can take this issue and work with him to toss it permanently.

Goals for October - Get out of my own head and my own way. Be open to some new ideas and activities. Don't be so afraid. Rejection is not around the corner.

Scenario 8 - Spirituality - I am sort of back to church. I was sick one week and working the next. I hae all intentions of being there week. I still pray every night and I can see God's blessings in my life and on others.

Goals for October - Try and make every Sunday in October

Twin beds vs the "gag rule"

I have this wedding to go to soon. It's a super formal, lavish, but small affair in a very Shhee Shhee location.

I was invited along with two my best girlfriends and their husbands and my "best friend".

Somewhere in the past few weeks, I posed the question:

"Since the bride and groom or comping the rooms for us so we can stay the night, are we getting one or two? " Yes - I know the answer.

Remember the gag rule. These are mutual friends....

He looks at me and says "One. Two is just stupid. Besides...."

So I write her note, saying " In the interest of financial planning, we will share one room".

I really wasn't prepared for her to call tonight and tell me that she put us in a room.... wait for it.....

with 2 twin beds.

Seriously. Do hotels still HAVE rooms like this?

Of course now, I have to actually explain the dilemma.

I suggest that it would be, umm, easier, if we had one bed.

She says she will re-shuffle some things and let me know. She is good, she asked nothing further but did explain the decision making. And it made sense.

She was going to put us in a room with a queen and a pullout, but her fiance said - that wasn't fair to my best friend so he suggested the twin beds.

Ummmm - Awkward.

So I don't offer details and tell her that and she doesn't ask and tells me that. We are both on the same page. She knows nothing and i said nothing.

As far as she and I are concerned, this conversation, while charming and funny - didn't happen.