MOthers and sons

Parents generally like me.


Not to blow my own horn or anything but whats not to like?


So you can imagine my surprise to find out that my best friend's mother doesn't really like me all that much.


I was at first really hurt, because I thought she and I had a really good relationship. We have affection for one another, I have done really nice things for her kids... her youngest specifically as he's the one who's dying.


The first time he brought it up was 2 weeks ago. I was so stunned I didn't know how to react.


So it was brought up again Monday night. I decided to go for further clarification.

I don't think I mentioned that she is a Psychologist. Her only complaint to him - "Be careful there, she's crazy about you"

It's a mother - son thing. We have this in my family and I can't tell you how many times I run into this.....

No woman is good enough.


But other than that - she likes me.


He stood up for me thouh. He told her that he and I know who we are, and what we want. He said some harsh things to her regarding this as well. I asked him to go lighter on her, she's losing a son to a horrible illness - the perceived favorite no less - and he's going to be all she has left on the other side.

However, he doesn't want the attention from her as the only choice available and certainly doesn't want it at all anymore. He also told me that it was predetermined by the family when his brother got sick that he would be the caretaker - without consulting him first. How lucky they are that he is the person he is and did it with little to no complaint until July. That's 5 years of his life he can't get back and more importantly, now we are re-building both him and our life.

It gave me an insight to her that I didn't have before. Basically she really liked me until she realized how close and how important he and I have become to one another. Then it wasn't OK.

I should also admit that, my dad said that while he loved my best friend as if he were a son, He didn't like my best friend as a son-in-law. The difference is, he said that ( or so I have heard that he did) 7 years ago and my best friend was just out of a divorce at the time. My dad is now deceased as well so it's not like he can recant. You know what, recently, I have had a one way conversation with my dad in which I told him the same thing my best friend said to his mom. This is my choice, I know who I am now, and I know who he is. If you love me, you will support it.

I don't think I know a single person who hasn't encountered some form of this with the new family on some level.

Families are wonderful. They are also troubling and funny all at once. We are still getting to know the other one's respective familes.

It's a work in progress.

Blog silent

I know I have been "blog silent" for awhile and I keep drafting posts up now and again but never finishing them to actually post them.

Largely because I don't know how to finish them.

Being a fairly decisive person, I usually make and stick by my decisions. They don't come easily but once I decide, after research of course and m y trusty pros and cons list, I plow forth.

I have made some "snap" decisions in this past month that are very uncharacteristic of me. I am not upset with them. I am not unhappy with them, I am just still undergoing the normal process that I go through while making them, even though I already know the outcome...

Yes - I admit that's weird. And the topics are not topics I can readily discuss on my blog as they are, while good fundamentally, too serious in nature, for me to post at this time.

I will acknowlede that the job change hasn't taken place yet. Though I am DYING for this to happen and sooner rather than later.

I reconnected with my dear friend Elle. I have missed her horribly so this is a good thing. And she needs me too, which is nice, as she is now going through a divorce. I have missed her kid too so equally good for me.....

I have sung my swan song with the Merrick Chorale. They are using me and not paying me so as much as I love the folks that sing there, I will not be singing the major works with them in the future. If my coach is directing, I will happily sing, but that's it. I will be using the line "I'm so sorry - I'm not available on those days" and moving on. Of course if they decide to offer it to me and pay me - different story altogether.

I honestly have no issues other than my living environment and I am working through that.

I do want to comment on my post the other day "good is not the absence of bad".

Mrs. Jackson posted a great reference on that post - please take a look - especially if you know her. She is completely right. With one exception that I did not include in my post:

Psychological abuse. It's as evil if not more so than the physical. Because it's harder to undo. though neither is acceptable or good in any way. It's subtle in nature and usually you don't even realize it's happening until it's too late. YOu just feel wretched and don't understand why.

But generally speaking - A good relationship is whatever you define goodness as. For me, goodness includes but is not limitied to: Love, laughter, conversation, attraction, intelligence, commitment, compromise.

That's for my purposes.

But as for being blog silent I promise to try and be more proactive.

Good is NOT the absence of bad

I read a meditation the other day that said "Goodness is not and should not be the absence of bad".

The example they used was a woman who said that her husband didn't cheat on her, didn't beat her, didn't beat their children so therefore she must have a good marriage.

But she wasn't "happy".

I couldn't fathom that. I don't actually get it, to be honest.


I have friends who have been married for 28 years. They are getting divorced. Very heartbreaking and very sad. They worked reaally hard and the only thing the wife could say was, we just stopped trying. We just stopped working.

I am finding the road to relationships really fabulous but also scary and hard. It's definitely got it's own reward but the pitfalls along the way are frightening. And I admit it, I'm scared.

Witless.

I spoke to my college room -mate today. She knows me in so many ways that surprise me even to this day. She made an observation that I don't really talk about my feelings for another person. And she's right. I don't. I have always played those cards close to the vest.

So I told her that things here in domestic land have changed fairly dramatically. My living situation will be more different than it already has been in the past 3 weeks.

I had reservations because this happened sooner than I expected it. But I think maybe not. I think on some level I must have known because I had ordered all these storage and organization componants. A month ago.

I spent my night clearing out closets and putting away the last remnants of Christmas. Yes. Christmas. And shut up.

I had a lot on my mind which is why I chose the manual labor. YOu see. I met the whore last night. For the first time,

Funny bit. She was sitting at the bar. He and I were standing behind her to the left. The bartender, knowing all of us, looked at him standing between us and said "uh oh".

I almost died laughing. But I was angry. Not because she showed up - unannounced by the way - but because I knew he was going to cave and talk to her.

We packed his gear up. We got paid, and I offered to leave when he said he had to at least be a little bit social. I figured since I was already not happy, why stay and deal with it?

When he got home at 2AM he walked in, woke me up and we had the fight. Basically I didn't handle it well, he understood why, but I didn't put myself in his shoes. So I did. Right there.

I felt bad for him. He had no way to prevent it from happening. I wasn't mad at him and he wasn't mad at me, but we had the discussion because it needed to be said. I was right toom, he caved on h er because she played his heartstrings. What I personally dislike about her, is she uses him to get what she can't get from the other guy. Honey - you can't have it both ways.

He's had so much anger towards her and it dissapated the minutes she sat down. He said she doesn't want him as an enemy (good choice that always goes badly with him). He basically told her he was moving but given the way the night went, he opted not to tell her where - for my sake actually. Could you imagine? First phone call, my head would explode !

I don't consider her a problem for ME. I do consider her a problem for him and I wish that he would cut her off once and for all - even for a few months - just to give him time to heal.

I can't make him and I won't try.

In the light of day and the fact that I had the house to myself for the better part of the late afternoon and all of the evening and night, I re-evaluated some things here.

1. This arrangement is a good step for us both.
2. My feelings for him haven't changed with the new reality that we are in
3. The componants are all there and this appears to be the adhesive we need to glue it all together

I'm a lot more comfortable than I was a day or two ago. I did my pros and cons. The pros outweighed the cons by a landslide.

The absence of bad does not make something good. My relationship has bad but it also has good.

The good outweighs the bad. Each and every time. Why? Because we talk, we discuss and it's done with love and respect. Even if we don't agree.

He's not perfect and neither am I. But together we are a smashing team.

Another ALS Fundraiser

I said to my best friend last night, if I had to choose between the fundraiser that I did versus the one I just went to that he did, I would have picked his.


And not because I had no responsibility except to show up either - though that was certainly a sexy alluring feeling....


Here's the deal.


His brother has ALS. HIs brother, like him, was or rather is, a brilliant musician.


What I was unaware of, is that his brother, also like himself, was a songwriter.


Wow. Mental Headslap. I should not be surprised and yet I was.


The bar was a small pub. And there was no room. I mean none. All musicians, a total jam session - I was one of the youngest by far. These folks have known each other for 20-30 years and this was a reunion in the name of doing something special and necessary for someone they all love.


I don't know how else to say it. My best friend opened the show. He did 4 tunes starting with one of ours- which I didn't know he had learned..... Considering how things have been going between us lately that spoke to me.


Then the band got started. The music was amazing. The guys playing were incredible, the singing - everything.


This went on all night long. These guys just played and played. They took shifts in and out - but the music continued.


When I left around midnight ( and for those of you who live in other states, bars close at 4 AM here), the place was jumping. Literally.


What happened next surprised me a little bit but not as much as I want to believe. I was home. I was trying LIKE HELL to sleep. I couldn't shut off my mind and how happy I was. I met a lot of really nice people that I have been hearing about for years in some cases. Faces now match up with names. Some I know from Myspace... that kind of thing.


My gutt said something wasn't right though. I stupidly dismissed it.


Sunday, after All county, I met up with some ladies that I know for a birthday brunch for the new bride. she has had a rough road since her wedding in December so her mom threw her a little get together.


We had a lovely brunch. The deal was that when I left there, the plan was to call my best friend so we could get together. I left that message at 5.


Several hours later, I was actually starting to panic as I hadn't heard back. Not wnating to become the lunatic that I was in December, I was fighting the instinct that something was wrong. I left the minimal amount of messages that I could mentally handle, and poured myself a Vodka on the rocks. Finally at 9:45 he picks up the phone and he tells me he did something stupid and was on his way.


Now, come on. stupid???? That could be almost anything!


It turns out, after an altercation at the end of the night, he knocked out the former best friend /husband of his brother's ex girlfriend. I mean literally knocked him out. This is soo unbelievably unlike him. I couldn't believe it. My gutt was telling me something wasn't right. I should have li stened. Nothing happened to him mercifully, but the other guy - not in such good shape. I was surprised at him but this was a very emotional night and week for him and I know how far he can be pushed before reacting.


By the time he arrived here, I had had 2 drinks to steady my nerves. I would love to tell you how much he had but I would be wrong on any guess. This has been such an emotional roller coaster for him and by extension, though different, for me as well.

We talked about a lot of things. He was in some pretty raw shape emotionally, he was feeling badly about me, and his brother and it was all finally coming to a head.

The fundraiser was an overwhelming success by and large. A substantial sum of money was raised and I was really touched at everyone's generosity of both a financial nature and spirit.

We have such a long road back. But after this week I actually have more hope than I have had in the past 8 weeks.

So does he.

The pillars

Pillar 1.

Well the job officially changed this afternoon.

I report to a new manager - that appears on the surface to be good news.

I will be doing the same basic job with one major componant removed - making my job actually easier on some levels.

But the down side is it leaves me open to layoff. A sitting duck if you will. When you are one of many and they need to cut heads....

I keep reviewing the things that are not going in an acceptable manner and trying to figure out how to move things along for the better.

Pillar 2

I spoke to the Pres of the group I sing with tonight. He had promised that he was appointing me to the board to fill a vacancy. The current VP ( the witch from other posts) has done a marvelous job of slandering me and 3 members out of 5 objected to appointment based on, as it turns out, nothing. What was said about me was that I am not capable of doing a good job and that I don't follow through and complete my tasks.

Hello? I am a project manager by trade. Not finishing tasks would get me fired.

Oh snap. wait.

I just had a major job change didn't I?

Hmmm.

Pillar 3

My relationship is not going well. I really don't know whats happening but we are on the Pulling back phase right now. Space - yes. Time - yes. Frustration - yes. I am hurting because of this. Largely because I really do not understand what I did or didn't do to cause this or what in general is happening to cause this whether it was me or not. It's been two months. And it's been really rough. Ironically - nobody wants to leave - which is always hopeful. I try to focus on the good things and let the so-so ones go. But at the end of the day, right now, I feel like we have taken a step backwards. I understand what caused THAT and we have discussed that. But it's really hard for me.

At the end of the day, what my heart and mind keep circling back to is maybe I'm not as good at my job as I thought. I've been doing it for 15 years and I had the top customer in my company for 4 of those. But maybe I'm not that good. when you are told you aren't doing a good enouogh job often enough and long enough - you start to believe it.

Now it's ad enough that I am dealing with this at work, but now the singing group that I have been with for 12 years is basically telling me the same thing now on an administrative post. Now I know it's crap, but the same kind of commentary has come up in a second place. With almost the same words - only none of them know my work life so they couldn't know that. Accident? Coincidence? I don't think so.

Then you factor in the difficulties I am encountering in my romantic life. My brain continues to circle around what I did or did not do to cause any one of these three pillars to crumble and fall like this.

My whole psyche hurts. I can't figure out how I went from being such a strong woman who is good at her job and valued by her customer, sings professionally and is valued as a volunteer in her singing groups and loved by her best friend in the world to being the weak, unqualified and undervalued employee, a singer who can't hold a simple administrative function like writing the English language to take notes, and the woman who just feels like a burden now.

Which one is the real me???? I don't think I even know anymore.

A life in Flux

There is nothing quite so scary as having the major pillars of your life in flux.

At the same time.

My company is going through a reorg and while I am assured there are no layoffs in the immediate future, within the next 30-60 days my job will change dramatically.

I tend to take a "wait and see" towards that as it has never gone "bad" before when they have done this. IN this case , I will most likely be reporting to someone else, the player to be named later if you will.

I am trying to remain optomistic in this and taking the stance of "Don't worry and fret before you have something to worry and fret about".

I don't do it well but I am trying.

Meanwhile, the relationship is not going well. Communication is hit and miss which is actually an improvement over the complete NON-communication that was going on before. I've noticed some subtle things that go to the good and some that go to the less than good of late. My own mood has contributed to that as much as my best friend's. I want more, and he is not ready yet. I am being smothering in order to hold on to what's there, and he's pulling away. So I stopped it. All of it. I am not only not smothering him, I am giving the space that we both need here. It's a perspective thing. And it's hard for me. I am not good at playing "hard to get".

Music isn't going so well either. on some levels its better than ever, but the same old problem keeps cropping up.

The short version on all of this is, when my life comes apart at the seams like this, it's usually a sign that something needs to change.

In these cases, I believe that this is a chain reaction. One thing goes south, and they all do. I think if my job straightens out, I'll be better equipped emotionally to do the heavy lifting that needs to be done on the other two. Right now, I am so drained from lack of sleep and lack of nutrients that all I want to do is lay down. I force myself to exercize. I force myself to eat SOMETHING whether I am hungry or not. I try to make it productive. I work the required hours and follow my personal schedule to the letter.

But my heart's not in it. Nor is my brain. All I want to do is cut and run from my life. Leave it all behind and start again. But the reality is, if I Can't make it work in this life, what makes me think that I can do it in another? So I don't cut and run. I stay and try to fight it out.

But this time it's different. I've lost my fight. I'm tired. bone tired. I don't want to fight. I just want to "be".

It won't be this way forever, in fact, sooner rather than later I will be in a better position to know if I want to leave this company or not. Which is good. The general consensus right now is that the change that is being proposed is actually going to make life BETTER for us. My staff has come forward and mentioned that they are all managing a level of anxiety through medication. I was shocked to know that. It's unreal. That a company of this magnitude can instill such fear and manipulation that this is the rule rather than the exception. We have had two people under the age of 40 DIE this year of sudden heart attacks. NO warning, no heart related activitiy prior. Just died. One left a small child behind. Did this wake up my management? NO.

And that's why I am willing to wait out the change because the pressure wi be relieved. Of course, if it isn't, I am already researching other positions within this company and others to move to.

I think that in the past two years, the job has been so stressful for me and the others who work for this person, that its become impossible for me to put the required energy into dealing with and managing the other aspects of my life when they go into flux. Consequently, everything came to a head and all I can do is hide.

Largely this is my own fault. I tried to make a bad situation work post merger for me and my team. The reality is that the new mgmt didn't ever want it to work. Because the environment that they came from is so different, and the merger was handled very unusually, our lives have become hell. I should have put an end date on it sooner, but my reviews were glowing so why would I do that?

There are tons of reasons why I stay but I think the most important one is that I hate change and I am afraid of the unknown. In everything. I will stay in a bad situation rather than take a risk. 'Better the devil you know' attitude.

Except in love. I was willing to give this person another chance and while it's not going well right now, I do think we can get backk to that with some effort. My problem is that I just don't have the strength and he doesn't either. For the same sets of reasons.... So space is the answer for now, we are still together, just giving some breathing room to heal from outside influences. This was a HUGE step for me. I don't do this. I don't even know how! But something is guiding me, not always correctly, but something is guiding me.

I just need another ounce of faith.

More on editing

I can talk up a good game on this editing thing.

I describe it, tell you how it's done, give tips and tricks on making it work.

But in the end, human nature prevails.

You know the old saying "Good news travels fast, but bad news travels faster?"

The same concept applies to our memories.

Interestingly enough, If you have two confrontations that happen with the same people at the same event - one positive and one negative - which are you going to remember?

Most people will dwell on the negative. Or at least that will be the first thing that comes to mind when, at some future date, you are asked to recall the said event.

I'm going to use this Christmas day as my example.

Having gone on record and said already that this was the holiday season FROM HELL, it was in no way - and I mean what I say here - in NO WAY due to my family.

It may be the first time ever, but there were no incidents that readily come to mind.

This is an example of the editing that I chose to employ.

Here's the reality.

Mary, a friend of the family, has two sons. They are 5 and 3. They are the most delightful, sweet and funny BOY boys you will ever find. I can't get enough of them and am always thrilled to be around them and included in events with them.

But they are 5 and 3.

My brothers and I spent the day before giggling and laughing at my mother because she is a neat freak extraodinaire. Sadly a trait I did not inherit.... but I digress.

With all the kids traipsing through her house, putting sticky hands on the glass doors, spilling juice on the carpet, drool, spitting up, etc.... she didn't even flinch. We didn't even know what to do when there was nothing covering the dining room table. HOw were we to eat? Where would be put the plates? Not on the WOOD???? isn't that the eleventh commandment???

So Christmas day, the little boys (A&M), their parents, my brother, my mom and I are upstairs playing Christmas Carols. I put a closed and sealed bottle of Diet Coke on a book on the piano. My mom, in mom fashion, put it on the floor. "A" proceeds to kick it and put it back so that no one notices ( I am told this later). I pick it up, open it, it sprays everywhere.

You would actually think, that surgical triage was about to take place, barking orders screaming at people to move move move. She was a little "crazed" - ( not hard to see where it comes from now eh?).

We clean up the mess, and get back to singing. I wasn't quite up for it, after the disaster, so I worked with the kids.

But I was a little upset. She made SUCH a freaking commotion over this that I felt like a stupid 8 year old who can't get it together and just have a drink.

But I recount it now solely to illustrate my actual success at editing this. Here the reality. I am really reaching to recount how I felt. Other than the obvious - not a good feeling - I can't really tell you what all went through my mind. And I let it go, within minutes.

I am trying to do this with little things right now. The big things are so unbelieveably hard to let go.

My best friend and I are having a lot of trouble right now. Still. It's just added because now, instead of just his issues, now we have mine too. double the trouble.... ah a little humor to lighten things up.

I have started the editing and started some new attitudes and behaviours regarding this relationship. I won't resort to actual gameplaying, but we put some space in right now and let us heal a bit individually.

We both had some serious meltdowns on each other this past month. It was very bad. On both parts. Neither one of us is coming out of this holiday smelling like a rose. But I think that we can learn from this. He's already started correcting some of his things. And I need to start evaluating myself.

I know that I said no resolutions. These aren't New Years Resolutions - these are life resolutions.

1. I am working on trust. I need to trust him more and actually show it, not just say it. It's not him - it's everyone. I just don't trust. But I'm working on that.

2. I haven't like my life in the past 2 months. That is entirely my own fault because I allowed certain factors to encroach upon the things that make me who I am. So I am going back to those "solar" or rational activities that make me who I am. My music, my kids, my pets, exercise.... all of it.

3. My job. I have extended the deadline to the end of First quarter. There are major job shifts taking place and I need to see the direction that is going to be taking place. I am looking outside as well as inside the company for other opportunities n the meantime. I have uncovered in the past 2 weeks that I do not like my manager at all and that I do not have the mental strength to continue working for him unless he changes, he won't because he doesn't have to. As far as HIS boss is concerned - he walks on water. So that kind of sealed my decision. But I am open to negotiations.

4. My mental health and sanity - I need to deal with my insecurities and my fear that no man will love me for who I am. I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser 24x7. I need to be able to tap into the inner emotional strength that I know I have as I give to all around me. In other words, I need to make myself a priority. I am taking care of the physical part - 35 lbs down and 3 sizes, blood pressure is looking good. But the psychological issues are really starting to creep up and bite me. In ways I didn't expect.

There will be more as they come up as this is not just a one year thing - these changes are forever as far as I am concerned.

I need to get more silliness and happiness into my life. I was happy but closed off this time of last year. I am open, walls torn down, more exposed and I now have periods of happiness but generally - for right now - I'm now. I'm not even sad really anymore. I'm just borderline anxious. Not anxious enough to not sleep anymore, or eat even - I do sleep - not well - and I do eat - not well. But both activities are happening so one step at a time.

I have targetted my first editing routine. I have been trying, unseuccessfully, to use it on his entire meltdown. Instead of "forgetting" the bad stuff, I now lump up ALL the good stuff in it's place and smile in spite of myself - thus enabling me to not dwell on the bad. Still Editing - just a different twist. We'll call it the editors magic trick.

I am going to warn you now, flee if you want - but don't say I didn't tell you. This blog is going to be about my changes outlined here and in future posts. If you thought you were sick of hearing about the man before, it's not going to get better in terms of volume. It will most likely get better in terms of how this is going.... but the volume is going to go up. It's part of my decompression and part of my recovery from the depression I have been in. Don't say you weren't warned!

The dawn of 2008

In the wake of a rather boring New Years Eve.... largely because I fell asleep at 11:30 - a first, I might add..... I want to tell you about some plans I have for the New Year.

I hate resolutions. Let's face it, no one makes it past March and I'm being generous with March.

I like to think of New Years in a similar fashion to Lent. For those of you not familiar with Lent... Lent is the period of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter where Jesus spent time in the dessert enduring temptations including those of Satan. It's a sort preparation for his crucifixion. Not a fun time to be sure.

It is customary in the Christian faith to give something up during Lent. The reason behind that is that we are preparing for the crucifixion.

OK I got a little bit deeper into lent than I had actually intended.... but hey, it's a learning experience, right?

So the idea of promising to DO something for the New year is similar in thought to giving something up for 40 days.

Especially when you look at the new twists that are going on with the Lenten "give - up" program as I call it. Now my faith also believes that maybe the giving up isn't as important as acquiring a new behaviour.... for example - perhaps you have decided to start volunteering during lent? that's just as good to the church as say, giving up chocolate ( and don't think for one minute that that doesn't go on). It's an interesting twist....

By the by, just as an aside, for those of you wondering, the whole eating fish on Fridays during Lent? Not religious in nature at all.... I hate to be the one to debunk this ( Seeing as how I have an entire post on debunking the bible coming dedicated to my sister in law), but its largely due to the fact that there was an overabundance of fish in biblical days..... you get the idea.

So having given this process some thought- I am not really jumping up and down to make resolutions. At the end of the day, what good is it going to do me? If I fail, my self esteem takes a hit because I put yet another set of unrealistic demands on myself? Thank you but I can do THAT without the pressure of a holiday anytime.

The fact is, I am taking a stand for myself this year. The only thing that I am resolving to do is what is best for me. I am going to really take the time to consider the choices I make in terms of what is good for the Contessa.

Oh I know what you are thinking......

Of course I will not be making choices that will harm another person in order to do what is right for me.... hello.... have we just met???

But I will be considering how the end results affect me more than I have been of late.

I will put forth this small example. Its huge for me, but small in the grand scheme.

I am on holiday from 12/21 through 1/7. While I am out, my Poodle is covering for me at work. Do you realize that every single working day from 12.21 through yesterday he has called me?

I am not taking his calls. I am on holiday. He has to think for himself. He is older than I am by 15 years.... come on now. He does this ALL THE TIME. And I can guarantee that those who are working right now with him are getting the full brunt of his whining and complaining about having to cover my work. He's so very predictable but I love him all the same.

Normally I would have called him back each time. My decision to not call him back is as much for his own good as it for my peace of mind.


Additionally, I plan to ask for help more and no, I don't mean the little things only. I have spent all of my life thinking I had to always be the strong independent type. Not to be reliant on others. To the point where I believe it as a sign of weakness. Each year I go through a holiday blues / Depression and this year went through one that brought me to my knees literally and emotionally and psychologically. Like never before in my life. Just at the point where I was unable to sleep more than 2 hours at a time and awaking so confused that I didn't know the day, time of where I was, I turned and asked my best friend for help.

Do we still need to talk about this - yes. But he's been so good. For all that he can be when he's in the throes of his own depression. Do I feel idiotic because mine is for stupid reasons while his is for real? sure.

I guess it's true that when you don't ask for help, you also deny those you love from showing they love you.

So this is my Non resolution year.

Happy 2008!

Oops I did it again

Just like Britney says.... "Oops I did it again".

Only this time, it was less severe because I didn't raise up my hopes.

I don't actually mind spending New Years Alone.... I just really thought I was going to have company this time. We had discussed it and some tentative plans were made.

Ah but the best made plans.... right?

He got sick. He's home in bed. Sleeping. At least I knew early. So this shouldn't be any great shakes.

I won't lie and say I 'm not disappointed. I am. But I am not upset. I am not panicky and I am not going off the deep end this time.

While I didn't set my expectations really high for tonight, I did however have higher expectations than the none I would have had the day before.

I have noticed that NewYears has become more and more of a "non event" which I think is why I am not so upset.

If I manage to stay awake till midnight.... Happy New year!!!!

I have a secret

It's not THAT secret anymore because I am starting to talk about it.

I am embarassed about it though.

I get the holiday blues. Generally right after Thanksgiving ( that's my favorite holiday) and lasts through new years.

Usually I can contain my blues to the inside of my head. THat generally works very successfully. If the last 20 years is any record....

This year I was less than successful. It has more to do with the extraneous things happening in my life and a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations that I set for this year. That, I think, was the bigger mistake to be honest. Unrealistic expectations.

So now we have the blind leading the blind. Or the depressed leading the depressed. And it's really interesting because we aren't fighting.... not really. We just aren't talking. Or doing much of anything. When things are good, they are freaking spectacular and when they aren't, they REALLY aren't.

He didn't know about my holiday blues thing. In fact, up until this year, only Mrs. Jackson and Maple mama really knew and only because they lived with me for 4 years. Bernie, not sure.... I'm a terribly good actress - my own family doesn't even notice. I should win an academy award for my annual performance in this area.

I handled things in a less than exemplary fashion this year and that required an explanation. Now , I am not good at asking for help. You should all know that. So, I am not good at asking for help or support, and I am more than just "blue" and behaving less than well. You can imagine how this is going right?

So - on the one hand, the things that were settng me off, were valid. Completely so. On the other hand, I took it a little far in my responses. I admit it and acknowledge it and made my apologies for it - and it was met with the most patient and loving of responses. I was stunned. Literally. I expected a big "thing' and got a big "nothing". What I got was loving concern for my lack of sleep.... and lack of appetite. What I got was patience and time.

So I am working triple hard to bounce back now. It turns out that this is anxiety. Hunh. Wasn't actually expecting that. I jsut thought it was mild depression. It's exacerbated since my dad passed and I just thought that's what I was dealing with. Nope. Anxiety and it's a bit higher than it should be even for me at this time of year. It's considered moderate to high and I am not taking at this time, as generally this passes fairly quickly. I am working with a massage / reike therapist who is amazing and taking some herbs and this is helping. We will re-evaluate in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am really lucky that though my best friend is depressed, he is being supportive of my situation. We haven't really discussed it in detail yet, but I know we will and I know it will be OK. (He's on probabtion though for the initial cause of the meltdown because that's basic common courtesy crap and he knows it. )

So my secret it out. I'm sharing a lot of them lately. I can't believe I actually asked him for help and support and got it. I really didn't think it would happen.

But it did.

We're lucky people to have each other even though things are bad for us right now, we are working through that. I actually have hope now.

I even feel better for the first time in 4 weeks.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Pssst - but I am reaping the benefits of the depressive weight loss - I have to say it - I look pretty good! ;-)

Christmas

I had really wanted to write a heartfelt uplifting Holiday message for my readers.

I just can't do it this year, folks.

2007 has been a wonderful and amazing year for me. At the exact same time, it has been one of my worst since the death of my dad in 2003. And unfortunately, the majority of the negative and bad things have happened in the past 5 weeks.

Still trying to make the best of the bad, I am at least posting SOMETHING and I am going to tell you a little holiday laugh for you.

I have a niece who turned one year old 2 days ago. She is the light of my life and I am the light of hers.

I arrived at my mothers yesterday having cried the entire car-ride there. I was on the phone with Mrs Jax and I wasn't going inside until I was off the phone because it wasn't that kind of conversation. It was cold, but not horrible.

My youngest brother ( the father of my niece) came out while I was on the phone and took all my packages.

A few minutes later my step dad came out and lit his pipe and went back inside.

My mom came out to find out what I was doing.

then I hear banging.

I turnaround and there is my banana ( her nickname because it rhymes with her name) standing at the glass front door, laughing and smiling at me and banging on the door to get my attention.

Thank God for little kids. She took my heart out of the blues for a few hours and kept me busy. I got 2 hours of peace. If you call chasing a 1 year old peaceful!

She looks EXACTLY like my brother. Then my sister and her family arrived.

My nephew now has his dads coloring - but he looks exactly like my sister. And she looks exactly like me. People are actually astounded by that - when you consider that we came from completely different gene pools.

So I had two munchkins to keep me occupied. They both loved their toys ( my brother who does not YET have kids, went to the store and bought the noisiest toys that were in the age range - he's going to be a dead man when they have theirs!)

When I left I checked my answering machine. THe call I wanted and needed to hear had come in while I was at my moms. The relief was almost overwhelming.

I went on to deal with the rest of the day in a far more peaceful mood.

So with that I wish you all Peace and Joy today!

Post Script to "Insecurities"

As I was writing the last post, I had a Christmas tree candle buring that one of my students had given me as a gift.

It was typical that I didn't read the direction ahead of time.

It's a good fortune candle.

I published the Insecurites post ( which you should read first if you haven't yet) and looked at the candle.

Something odd was floating around the top.

I picked up the directions and read:

Hidden within is a charm, a trinket or a gemstone and a fortune capsule. Whne revealed, blow out the flame and retrieve with the wand. Twist open capsule for your message.

I opened the the capsule and here's the message:

"You have twice struggled - Doors magically open now, giving you the go ahead. Surprise Results! "

Very interesting. Hmm

Insecurity

Let's have a show of hands.....

"Who here thinks I am insecure?"

OK.

I know I'm not alone on this one....

I used to think my insecurities were weight related.

I now think the weight is due to insecurities.

Hows that for a turnabout?

I've made a lifetime of trying to get past them and see myself as the phenomenal woman that I am.

In many respects, I have done this well. I have succeeded in the target areas that I chose to work on.,

Then I recently discovered that there are whole areas in myself that I ignored phenomenally well, thus they sat there and festered for as long as they were allowed to be there.

Thus the change in my eating behaviour.

I wish I could take the credit on this one, but alas, no.

Before I had come to terms with who I am, I ate for every reason - hungry or not. Pain, happiness - name it - I did it. Stress of any kind got extra special attention.

Then in January of 2007, I noticed that my eating was taking a different direction. Emotional Stress caused me to STOP eating.

Duh. Mental head slap.

Now honestly.... I had so little emotional stress back then. I sort of miss it actually. I was emotionally available to support all my friends in their various problems and issues.

BAM. April comes, bringing Easter, spring and my best friend.

Since then I have lost 32 lbs in a combination of emotional stress and very hard work.

What he has brought to my life is nothing short of amazing and for as bad as things are now for him and by extension for me, I wouldn't change this. I would change small parts in general, but I wouldn't change anything about him or me. I would change some circumstances and general reactions ( largely from me) but that's it.

You see, I'm not sure I'm any good at relationships. MAybe I have been alone too long. Maybe I am still so afraid of rejection....

But I know that I have improved in one specific thing. I now say what I feel. I know that we've talked about this in other posts.... but it's true. I am not afraid to say "I love you" regardless of what it costs me. I am also not afraid to be angry when it's warranted.

I have more to lose now than I did in June. What I am doing in my mind, whether I ever need to or not is remember that I survived without him before.

But did I? It's kind of complicated but I never stopped loving him. ever. Regardless of who I dated, who he dated, we kept coming back to this. After all that time, we keep coming back to this and each time it goes a step further between us.

I wrote him a letter 7 years ago when his brother first got sick and I was leaving his life temporarily. In the letter I told that we were perfect for one another and he should get his head out of his ass and not let me go.

But he did. He let me go.

And I wasn't surprised.

But you know what did surprise me? and for those of you who know me this is big.

I actually told him how I felt about him to his face one night 9 years ago. I stood there in the empty bar and told him exactly how I felt about him and he was stunned. He had no idea. and he didn't run - HA HA. In fact he stuck around to see what could happen.

Here's the thing now. For years after, I was mortified and embarassed that I put my heart on the line with him.

And now that I am thinking abbout it... I'm not anymore. And not because the status is different with us.

it's me that's different. But there is more work that I need to do. I have insecurities that manifest in trust issues, He has abandonment issues and isn't afraid to talk about them with me but it makes him insecure too.

I'm not afraid to do the work, but it does scare me. Because I am so afraid that in the process I will lose him too. Maybe not, but the rejection thing is still there because of some of the remaining open questions.

Mind you we are talking about a man who is most attracted to brains and talen first and beauty second.

My first question - What the hell are you doing with me?

He told me to put my arm around to my back and pull MY head out of my ass! You hve to love the irony there....

You know what makes me laugh most about this?

Eddie Murphy did a bit in Raw about this.

In short, you need to go out and find someone AS messed up as you are.

I think it will be OK.

Editing

Editing.

Publishers do it, recording studios do it, writers do it... film editors, composers.....

I do it too. But not in the way that you think.

There is a popular expression. Forgive and forget. I've spoken on it before. If you forgive you really have to forget, because remembering is holding on to the bad and not letting it go.

Human Beings are funny. We hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But when we hurt each other, and there's love-type feelings involved, that's when the forgive and forget thing comes into play.

Enter in - editing.

Now I have been doing this for years. Since my childhood. But I recently saw an episode of a sitcom where the best man and brother of the groom gave a toast to his brother at his wedding and basically said "editing. Only remember the good stuff".

I had to laugh. Clearly I'm less unique then I thought.

In the past year, my mom told me a memory of mine that I clearly blocked. It wasn't a particularly bad one, as memories go, I just think that I blocked it due to timing. I was young - 7 or 8. My parents were recently divorced as we were still living in the family home. My mom told me that my future step dad would be spending more time around the family.

As I said, not a bad memory judging from the reality that I have lived in the last 30 years... but given the fact that my parents were newly divorced and I was going through the phase where I still had hope that they would get back together, I believe that I blocked this. To be honest.... I still don't actually remember it and am taking it on faith that it's true.

Editing.

I have been reviewing my relationship with my best friend. Not in a big way... but just looking at our past 10 years. We have been talking about it a lot lately too.

I haven't edited as much as I thought I was. It's kind of funny. I won't speak for everyone, but I am the person who meets someone, convinces MYSELF that they are perfect and I am the one who needs to change myself to be with them. Then I watch and listen and pay attention and try to mold myself into the perfect person for that relationship.

Now here's where that tragic display of low self esteem can have it's entertaining moments. The lifetime review of THAT would have me being a financial wizard ( math???? hell no. ), A gay man, a woman who would give up her cats and live on a boat ( not so much the outdoorsy type), a politicians wife, arm candy.... you get the idea.

The point is, not only haven't I altered who I am for him, but we have grown because of one another.

In a recent discussion, a big part of his reticence of the years, is fear. He knows how good we are together, he is clearly aware of the connection but is so afraid that I will abandon him too that we keep playing some version of cat and mouse... until this past year.

We have hit a rough spot. This is well documented on this blog, albeit not terribly detailed. One set of events this weekend calls for some serious editing. Serious editing. On both sides but largely mine. I have forgiven. Completely.

And now I have started the editing. It started with a trip to the bar where he played last night. That went beautifully. I made a deal with myself on the way there, in the snow, that if this went well and certain events fell into place, church was a guarantee the next day regardless of what time I got home.

I kept that promise. Church was good too. I needed to feel that Joy and love that I get when I am there. I needed the cleansing hope that comes with it as well. And I prayed for him and I prayed for his brother.

and I continued the editing.

I have an advantage on this situation though. Up until the ONE bad event took place, we had two full happy, loving and amazing days together. We laughed, and cried and talked and talked and talked.

Only remember the good stuff.

Only keep the good memories.

Let go of the bad ones or "forget".

I am working on this, though I will not lie and tell you it's happening fast, but it is happening. I feel no need to be emotionally recompensed for what happened and I feel no need to hold it over his head.

Except for the only small and somewhat funny aspect.... we both resort to humor on these things...

It helps with the editing if you can find something to laugh about.

To wrap up the editing..... I find that letting go of the past, or editing, helps keep the fights fair when and if they happen. If you are only fighting about the present, then you can solve it and wrap it up, then edit it out, it helps keep you from mudslinging and dragging up every misdeed ever done in the world between you. It keeps the fights fair and easier to manage. No ripping open old wounds.

Only keep the good memories.

Love... Actually

You have to do these things at Christmas.

It's line rom the movie "Love Actually".

The movie is a phenomenal ensemble piece about love at Christmas time. I looks at all kinds of love. Friends, lovers, parents, siblings.... the old the young.... unrequited... you name it - it's in there.

I watched this movie with my best friend Thursday night. It's fairly old. He warned me in advance that I would cry. and I did. We both did.

One of the story lines is about a sister and brother. She's his caretaker and he's in a home. She is madly in love for nearly 3 years with a man in her office. She is always fielding calls from her brother throughout the movie. In this story line, which ends fairly quickly, she gives up the man she is in love with because of her family situation.

You cannot imagine the tears from both of us. It was heart wrenching - not completely applicable but we both see enough of the similarities that it struck a chord.

You see, he believes he is out of the doghouse with his brother. For whom he cared for for 5 years, 4 months 2 weeks and 12 hours. In doing so sacrificed himself.

When he left on the 13th hour, His brother accused him of "abandoning" him. Since August. And he received a birthday and Christmas card from him. When he announced this fact to me, we both fell to tears and held each other crying.

So when we watched this movie together, the sobbing - from both of us - was unbelievable. And it's a happy movie in the end really.

It was a really touching thing and opened a new door for us too in a way.

Because.... you have to do these things because it's Christmas.....

Wisdom isn't always with the old

I had to laugh out loud.

"What am I supposed to say when people say, Oh your young yet?" My voice twin asks.

This after some of the wisest words I have heard to date out of her mouth. or anyones. Though to be truthful I played my cards on the most recent set of events close to my chest.

I had to laugh.

How many times have we heard that in our teens and twenties and even into our thirties? "Oh your still young" or "Ah youth" or "Oh to be your age again"

I laugh because when my students whine about being tired, my response is ALWAYS "Wait till you get to be old and crotchety like me" and seriously folks - I'm actually not that old. But to them I am.

The point is here that since last week, I have been harboring a number of situations that have left me with more questions than answers ( again ). She took the information that I desseminated and made sense of it. Now she could be wrong, and that's OK. But I have a gut feeling she's not. And NOT because I want her to be right either ( though it works out so much better if she is). She weeded through all the crap and came out with some really well thought out responses.

Now I don't want anyone ( including her because she reads this ) to think that I don't believe her capable - I do. I find that the 3 twenty somethings that I associate with are ridiculously smart sometimes in spite of the hinderance of youth. I was the same way, so I get it.

It just reminds me that age and wisdom are not always joined at the hip. Just because I'm the age I am doesn't make me smarter by definition. Just because my best friend is 12 years older than me doesn't make him smarter by definition. Someone younger than I am can be smarter than me too.

What I like is that it's in different areas. So Where I am weak they are stronger and vice versa or maybe it just seems that way given the situations.

Youth is amazing - why else would people be chasing it?

In sickness and in health

I have a chest infection.

I lost my voice completely. I can barely breathe properly. I have an appetite but can't taste anything so I'm not really eating.

Phlegm should be a four letter word. Evidently I am made of it. I find it hard to believe that so much crap can come out of someone so small.

I took my wonder drug, Mucinex, at 7:30 this morning. attempted to cough up anything at all for 2 more hours, fell asleep till 1Pm. Its now 6:20 and I feel like I have been awake for 24 straight hours.

I can't cough up anything productive. So that's pissing me off. I'm pulling muscles in my torso from the coughing. If I see another cup of tea I'm going to throw it across the room.

So now between having my heart ache, my soul ache - lets add the body to that list.

I have a performance - a paying one - Tuesday. You know that I'm probably giving that up to my best friend. I don't see how I can do it. I hate to disappoint people, but they love him too so that should be OK and he needs the money as minimal as it is.

Soup is almost ready.

Uncertainty

I have been thinking a lot on this topic lately.

Uncertainty is a toxin.

For little things, most people can let it roll off them like water off a ducks back. But the big stuff? no way.

The bigger issue here, is that the uncertainty causes reactions. Why? because people, in the face of uncertainty with no end date will strive to create a solution, an answer or an end date.

For example.

Your child, has a seizure-like episode. You rush him to the hospital. They find no ready answer at that time, but schedule a boatload of tests. Among them, an EKG, an MRI, a slew of bloodwork. The child is 12 and has no memory of the episode, is taking meds for ADHD and had a growth spurt of 1 inch in 4 weeks.

The child plays sports but until an answer comes back, now cannot. He also, being 12, was allowed to be left alone in the house while the parents ran short errands ( less than 1 hour). All of this is no longer allowed till an answer comes back.

While logical and the child knows whats going on, the parents can't say anything about even the possibilities because they know as little as the child does.

The parents are being eaten alive with uncertainty. The kid less so, but frustrated that his quality of life has changed with no explanation or reason.

The scary part here, this may come back with NO ANSWER. Which will take this family a while to process and handle.

Then there's the situation in my life. Uncertainty caused me to behave in a crazy and irrational fashion. I don't remember crying nearly as much as I did the past 2 months even when my dad passed. It consumed me so much that I was unable to put the focus and effort that I notmally put into my life. My life. not just my job, not just my activities. my life.

It has always been that way for me. I look for the answers. I work to get them. I am less afraid of bad news and more afraid of NO news. But in the face of no news, I can only sit still for so long. Then I create the answers in my own head. And no, they are never good! I always go to the extreme so I am less surprised when it happens.

I do this with everything from job layoffs, to auditions, to relationships. Nothing is sacred.

So 2 months of this made me an absolute lunatic. But I am pleased to tell you that I have let go of the whore. I was the one holding that demon close, and I have let it go. Finally and completely. I didn't even realize it until last night.

I have others, but I am working through them. This is part of the trust thing and I am working on that too. I hate to admit this, but I trust no one. Not for a long time. It takes me a long time and a lot of testing to finally relax and trust. I am trying to be better with that. I really am. Trusting my best friend is easy most of the time, but when I am tested through uncertainty too long, that's when things get interesting.

Basically, during an extended period of uncertainty, I have instituted a new expression that I am trying to opererate with:

"Don't worry till you have to. Don't guess unless you are sure."

If I Can make this work, there is hope for me.

The holidays- Joy and Peace

The holidays.

I love them but yet I hate them.

Everyone I know strives to have the "perfect" Christmas.

You know the ones I mean. The Norman Rockwell Christmas. The tree, snow falling ( region permitted of course), lights with not one out, candles in the window, carols on the stereo, good food, eggnog, fruitcake, presents under the tree, all that good family feeling....

You get the idea.

And it rarely happens that way - at least not for my family.

I have discovered, for myself, that the holidays tend to make me cry. A lot. And if there are things happening that would normally not work for me.... they are just exacerbated by the holidays.

Oh I chase that perfect Christmas like everyone else. It's a goal - and it's good to be goal driven.

I have had a lot on my plate for a long while. It's not making this season easy for me.

My job is hell. I have managed, quite convincingly, to tell myself that it's just a job and does not define who I am. I don't always believe it, but I work hard at it. I have spent an enormous chunk of my career serving customers and doing it well. I have a boss who is inconsistent. He will give direction one way, and then criticize you for it. It's very hard for the people pleaser that I am, to please this man. I am tired. I am psychologically battered for hearing the constant criticism, everything I do is wrong and the constant blame. I know there are some folks ( Lisa the Scalemistress) who would say and have said "Get another job".

Of Course they are right. It's not fiscally possible right now. But Come the end of January, if I don't see change, I will be posting out to another position. I just cannot abide by the abuse to much longer. I have set that date as a hard date and I did it for my customer.

My love life is - well, we'll call it interesting for now. Not bad, but I'm not living on Cloud 9. The letter I sent to my best friend was received better than I expected. He was actually complimentary on it. We talked yesterday. After a hellacious day at work for me that left me in tears.... not the best timing. But we have a tendency to get the emotions rolling high and one of us leaves. He didn't want to do that again. His depression is lifting. Not quickly, but it is getting better. He's running again, he's cut back on the drinking and he's communicating. He's not going anywhere. He needs space, which is OK. He needs some time. But "we" are OK. Or we will be.

I'm not crazy about some of the side effects of this, but I am desperately trying to come to terms and deal with them till he's better.

What this has done to me though, is start the holiday tears way in advance. I've been crying for weeks. Hell I'm crying now. When he leaves, I cry. The day I know he's going home, I cry. It's insane. I miss him when he's not here.

Depression is a crazy thing. I jokingly told him that its starting to be contagious. I am not actually depressed - I am just aching for the pain that he has been in and continues to be in.

I have never loved someone enough to care about the pain they are in to this degree. Don't get me wrong, because I know that sounds horrible. My best friends and family - I feel awful when they are in pain. I want to help them as much as is possible. But I never felt helpless before in the face of depression in someone I love like this.

I saw my priest on wed. We talked about this pretty extensively and he and I are in agreement as it turns out. I know I can't fix the problem. I am not actually the problem at all.

I am an action person. If there's a problem - I need to address it. I need to fix it. I need to be right there with the sword and the shield.

This is a hard lesson for me and my best friend and I are walking this road together. He's not leaving, he doesn't want to. We are too important to one another. Something I truly never thought would happen.

He is a patient man. He forgives a lot with me. I am not good at relationships. I try too hard to be the exact thing for that person. Not this time - but in my past, yes. He lets me be me and insists on it. We are honest with each other and we are working on this. I really thought that wasn't going to happen. We are both lucky people.

This holiday is going to be tough. Because through both these difficult and painful situations, I am trying to be in good spirits and still chase the perfect holiday. I have a lot to do in terms of music and the work that goes into that. I performed a children's breakfast last weekend and frankly I couldn't get into the spirit of the thing. My heart ached and a friend who's mother just died was there, so I ached for that too. Any way you looked at it, I don't know how I got through those 2 hours. I have to decorate my house this weekend. I have a performance tonight and tomorrow, I have Christmas Eve services, a lunch next week... my best friend's birthday is next week.

We are all busy. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, this is the season of advent. Advent is important. It's a time to be quiet and plan for the coming of the Baby Jesus. It's a time to reflect and rest. I am trying to put the peace back into my life and do this.

So I pass this one to you. Regardless of faith - I pray for peace and joy for all of you during this season.

Happy Hanukkah for those of you celebrate!

PS - I hit 32 lbs down today!

Trust

I have trust issues.

I get it. I know it.

It's a family trait. We trust, but not after the other folks are forced to prove, repeatedly, that they are trustworthy.

I am sad to say, the very borderline OCD that comes with that also runs in the family. It manifests in different ways for those of us blessed with being a familia.

It's been diagnosed, at least in me, and dealt with. Honestly it hasn't shown itself in about 10+ years.

The short version is, it's a spinoff that relates to my self esteem. If my self esteem is in good shape, the OCD doesn't show, if the self esteem has been knocked about, the OCD shows up.

I never claimed to be normal.

It's not medicated for a specific reason - it's not consistent or severe.

I have to say that when it reared it's ugly head last week, I knew immediately. literally. In the midst of the behaviour pattern, I knew I was overboard.

I'm not proud of it. But I know its an issue. I have since taken some additional steps to alleviate the symptoms that brought it on and the behaviours themselves.

I really am not detailing the behaviours, though I know that those of you who don't know me well, are DYING to know. Those of you who do know me, you know what happened.

I stopped. I'm no longer acknowledging the urge and certainly I am not acting on it. I may steal glance as I follow the highway East, but I am not acting on anything at this point. As of noon, I am prepared to fully trust in someone else and believe in them. The reason that I decided on this though is really key.

I can't accuse him of not being honest with me, if I am only trusting him with everything BUT this one thing. This ONE thing is becoming my problem and not his anymore.

I like to look at it as that early scene in "My best friends wedding". The bitchy cousins say "Oh lord, look, it's the bride and the woman she'll never live up to".

Thats how I feel. That I can't live up to the memory of three specific women. I made peace with two, one is my dear friend and that's easy, the other is his first wife and that's also OK, the last one is the whore.

For all the bad things and negativity that both he AND I say, there is something there that he fell in love with even for a short while. And given the fact that she is still hanging on to him, making it tough for hi to get over her, makes me even more insane.

Bringing me to another movie line ( we watch a lot of movies here - you can tell!) - this one from the holiday.

"So let me get this straight, he broke up with you, but sstays in contact all the time? That sucks!!! THat's great for him, but sucky for you! That means he can get what he needs from you when he needs it, but you can't ever get over him!"

That is EXACTLY what is happening. Just substitute the pronouns.

So in short, my lesson learned for today is that if you want the one you love to trust you and be honest, you have to do those things too. We were both doing this wrong but for the right reasons. We didn't want the other one to be hurt more than necessary.

Things aren't wonderful. But they will be - sooner rather than later I hope. But I virtually hold his hand and we will walk on this path together and figure this out.

How to be in a relationship

Folks, THIS is the course I needed in undergrad.

Because honestly - I have no freaking clue what I am doing.

My parents divorced when I was young and both went through hell, literally, to find their current partners that they ultimately married for 25+ years.

So I have no idea how to navigate this.

When things are good, they are good. Now they aren't so hot, but we aren't sprinting for the door.... but we are in the avoidance aisle of the store.

So I don't know how to do this. And it's hard. And when the going gets tough and I Can't get results ( please remember that being a project manager is a results driven career), I lose patience, I freak out and my brain explodes.

I have to remember that everyone does not recover or behave according to my timetable. Yes I love the idea that it's all about me, except that it's actually not.

Frankly, I don't know how you married folks do it. Every day, I think about my friends who are married and I am absolutely bowled over by how you do it.

We aren't married and we FIGHT to stay together. Not literally. But lately its been a struggle. A lot of sickness, death, depression, past lives, the holidays and a birthday. it's a lot of pressure.

But it doesn't warrant craziness. I want to not be this nuts. Uncertainty makes me crazy and the longer I go on being uncertain, the more my wild imagination gets wilder.

I know both of us need to be communicating and I see definite effort here, not on the topics I want, but effort nonetheless. And honesty in areas I wasn't expecting to discuss either.

I am still learning how to love and care for this person. That doesn't sound right.... I know how to do that, but in tough times, I have a set of needs that clearly is different from his. We are there for each other, but I tend to hit insane/ crazy a lot quicker. He tends to hit remote and distant quicker. I don't yell and scream - I cry. He yells and screams - he doesn't. We both resort to sarcasm. Always a treat.

But the one underlying thing that I think we both worry about - we are afraid of being left.

So - there is no class or course you can take to learn this stuff - just practice and paying attention to the detail and learning the physical and verbal cues. On top of, honesty and communicating of course.

To wrap up here, I don't think I ever paid attention to the relationship itself before with anyone else. Just sort of took it moment by moment and hoped for the best. Now that its really important.... I am trying to be a quicker study and do the things that feel right to me.... ( thank you Lisa!) and trying to communicate with man in a way that works for him AND me( thank you Bernie and Lisa).

I really want to thank you guys for your support - all of you:

Maplemama - who knows where I come from and really gets where I am get to
Bernie - For being the straight man in my life that gives me "manly" advice
Lisa - Your wisdom always blows me away
Mrs Jackson - Your love and support and willingness to say the things you know will piss me off but make me think!!!!
Voice Twin - VOICE OF REASON DURING THE CRAZYS

Love you guys - you are beyond special and important to me!!!

And it ain't over yet - you guys are still on duty..... but I am more than willing to repay the favor as needed!!!!

mental head slap.

I had a long talk with Bernie today.

I am happy to have him nearby and more happy that I got to have this time with him. Especially on the phone.

I realized that I don't have any "guy" friends anymore that are:

A. Straight
B. Just my friends.
C. trustworthy.

He holds the distinction of being the only one. It's an honor that I hold dear actually.

So I talked to him about some things that are going on with my best friend. He's a great listener. He listened to me, calmly even when I was fighting tears, and his bottom line was brilliant. "It's the difference between men and women".

Huh.

Mental head slap.

When I paused to think about it.... he's right. Not that I like it, because I don't and not because it should be this way, because I don't think it should, It just is.

Women, generally speaking, will call their girlfriends or sisters or whoever they need to and talk out their issues, problems and frustrations.

Men, quite simply, don't. Not as a first line of defense at any rate. Most will suffer in silence. Some will blog, some will podcast, some will paint, some will write, some will compose.

Mine tends to compose. But even that's not happening now.

So I am dealing with this situation with a man who won't communicate, and I think the problem is that he may not want to or know how to. My problem is I need to fix things for others. If it's broken, I want to help fix it, if you are hurting, I want to make the hurt less, If you are crying, I want to make you laugh.... it's who I am.

We call it the Messiah complex. Needing to make everything better for everyone else. He has one too - makes for a hell of a fun relationship.

Furthermore, when push came to shove, and I actually made my worries and concerns known, I think that while all of them are valid, I may not have conveyed them in a way that a guy can deal with. I wrote them down, because I am not being given the opportunities to communicate in the normal way - a conversation. He's either avoiding or not in a condition to deal with it.

In my letter, I basically treated him like one of the girls, which I know he likes to say and think that he is, but he's really not. And I think it may have caused some additional strife.

He may not know what he needs, which is fine. I may not be able to help, which is not fine and I will have to find a way to deal with... my problem not his. I need to help him by just being there and he needs to help me by talking more and taking some actions that will help him.

We both know we need to talk, it's just a matter of time now.

Thanks for once again being there to pick me up Bernie!!!!! I loev you!

I knew what the contents were when I bought it

Did you ever see those Game shows? YOu know Door number 1, Door number 2 and Door number 3? And what's behind them? One has a check for 50 grand, one has a jar of turtlewax and the other a blender?

Well, I knew what I was getting when I chose my best friend. I knew what was going on with him, most of his challenges- at least the big ones, the good, the bad, the indifferent.

I still know and I am not at all sorry for my choice. I love my choice and I am happy that I picked him and that he is in my life.

But things for him are rough in some ways and improving in others.

One thing that has been happening is our communication - not working the way it used to.

I had to resort to a letter to tell him what's going on. Sometimes I think that writing a letter is a good thing. Sometimes I don't.

I write all the time. Not necessarily on this blog. I have a private blog where I write my letters to God. So my writing is improving just because I exercize it regularly.

My letter was proofread by one of my most trusted and best friends. She had me remove 6 words out of the two pages. She believed that it was a good letter because there was no blame, no anger though anger is referenced, it was not written in anger. Mostly the content is a plea for us to talk, to communicate, and to let him know just how much I love him and worry about him.

The fact is, months ago my priest referred to me as a doormat. Well not anymore. that letter clearly shows that I am not a doormat. And here's why.

I could continue along the path that we are one and see what happens, but then I wouldn't be taking care of me. By writing that letter, I am standing up for myself.

When he spoke to me last night, I knew he had read it, but he didn't seem angry. He was trying to keep conversation normal between us. This is actually a good thing. It was a roll of the dice really and I hoped that I had conveyed my major point. He isn't one to hide it when he's angry. However, we didn't discuss it - not on the phone while I was driving at any rate. I think he needs some space but leaving me like this is killing me.

I cry all the time. I worry about him. Mostly I want to blow up the whore's home with her in it ( not really but the imagery makes me feel better) for hurting him so badly.

Funnily enough, I remember him going through this when his wife left him many years ago. I wanted to blow her up to. I hadn't met her either. I no longer want to blow her up. Thank her, yes. But not blow her up. We wouldn't be where we are now, for better or for worse, if she hadn't left him.

I want him to come home. I want to talk this through. I am really exercizing some seriously enormous restraint! For those of you who actually know me - this is unreal.

Of course - to be fair and honest. I haven't eaten since yesterday. Not succesfully at any rate. And I don't miss it either.

So as a good consumer, I do not complain about my choice. It wass fully researched, not without its flaws, but the joys it gives and potential for joy that it will give will pay dividends for years to come.

The Plan: Month 10 and 11

I thought I had done a month 10 and discovered with a sinking feeling that I had not.

I am combining October and November into one. Sad to say that overall I am just maintaining not improving.

• Scenario 1 - Health / Exercise: Well the weight is maintaining. I am not getting sick as often and the B/P seems to be stable at the moment. I need to go back to that doctor to have a prescription refilled and I am so afraid that my B/p will be high again and he won't give it to me. I DO NOT want to start on B/P meds if I can avoid it.
• Scenario 2 - Job/Career- My boss should retire. I should be so lucky. He treats me like I am incapable of tying my own shoes. Evidently I ride the special bus to work in the morning. I generally just yes him to death and do what I normally do every day. This seems to be the only plan till year end when we can tell him to cut out the micromanaging. I would be miserable if I were the only one he does it too. But alas - it's my entire team.
• Scenario 3 - My home. I am afraid very little changed there till this week. I took care of 2 out 3 closets today. I did my desk. The Air conditioner is still not in, but that was time related.
• Scenario 4 - finances - Started Christmas Shopping. Have some personal business to deal with and a will to make, officially.
• Scenario 5 - Education - Took on one last kid as a favor but that is it. Now it's just replacement kids as they grow up and graduate.
• Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - Working on my relationships with friends and family. They are coming along. I have discovered where some of my personality traits have come from based on some interesting events that have transpired recently. I was threatened bodily by a former friend ( the diva). she took a swing at me. I noticed that I was not only NOT afraid, but almost hit her back. It was some serious restraint and the thought of another person standing between us that prevented me from swinging back at her. I never had that happen before. I am usually the one to run away from anything physical like that. That situation will take care of itself as I am bringing her up on disciplinary charges within our group. Even she isn't above the law. Meanwhile I am still dealing with the depression of my best friend. I noticed on Thanksgiving eve that he makes sure he puts on a good act and good front for our friends. He doesn't drink that much and he doesn't misbehave. He says and does all the right things so people don't see how bad it is. Then he comes home to me and it all comes out. I know that this is only my problem by proximity but it worries me. I can't stand seeing someone I love in such pain. We are working on it though.
• Scenario 7 - Self esteem - This waxes and wanes. Overall I feel that it has improved. I am trying really hard to be the strong person that I am but it's hard to overcome 20+ years of bad self esteem.
• Scenario 8 - Spirituality - I am really trying t o make it to church. 8:30 call for a 10:15 service is driving me bananas. I am not the best sleeper and to invest almost 3 and half hours at church on a Sunday is a bit much. I am really trying to sort this out. This is the third year this way. I may have to just attend church and not sing in the choir because it's too much for me. I also am having some issues with the new director. She's reaally nice and immeasurably talented but she's hard to understand. Will continue to make and effort while I lobby to get a rehearsal during the week.

The holidays

If you asked me ten years ago, "When do you start preparing for Christmas" The answer would be sometime around Christmas eve.

With each passing year it gets sooner and sooner. I know MY reason is due to my concert and performance schedule beefing up and ramping up quickly. I started the preparation of my home this weekend.


No - not decorating. Just reorganizing and prepping for the actual deorating which I am planning to do on Dec 7th.


I have started my Christmas shopping and have started planning my baking. I want to have a dinner party for another couple sometime before the blessed event as well.


I have a larger performnce schedule than normal, and my best friend is racking and stacking his gigs like crazy too. Which, of course, means getting the calendar out and putting all the dates on there. Otherwise netiher of us gets to hear the other perform. At least not till we get "our" act together.


There is also his birthday in there as well. I would like to have the dinner party as a birthday dinner for my best friend with two other couples. Not a big fuss, just a dinner amongst friends. I am not inviting the whole world and I am not making a fuss over it. He would love it but hate it. And that's just tough because I know he is working the night of his birthday and I think he needs others to make a fuss over him so he knows how much he is loved.


So I have my Martha stewart Magazines out, cookbooks, I have two closets out of 3 done.


Through all the madness that has started, I have made a promise to myself though.


My activity level has recently decreased to non existent. I tend to get melancholy during the holidays which is why I like to be busy. So I am adding walking every day for 30 monites this week. then I am adding my weights back 5 days starting next week.


I bought cards today. I bouoght a birthday card for a friend and my best friend's birthday card and Christmas card. One is lighter than the other.

I woke up with no voice today. I will be attending my rehearsal tonight with the Diva who took a swing at me last week. I am taking her up on disciplinary actions. I am just busy writing that up. behaviour not befitting a board member.

I gained 2 pounds from Thanksgiving for which I am giving thanks. Because I practically ate myself into a coma. it's not that I overate - if you had seen my plate, no one would believe how little I ate. It's just that for ME it was a lot in one sitting. I eat that much over the course of one day not all at once. And I think that made in impact on how my body processed it.

Of course Scale Mistress makes a compelling point about vitamins and I need to get back to it.

So, in short the prep for the holidays, I hope will make things easier for me.

We shall see....

Happy Thanksgiving

I find myself writing this in a lukewarm mood.

Possibly because I am tired, from overeating,but largely I think because of some of the twists in my life that I have been eluding too.

Now I won't dwell on them as this is supposed to be a thanksgiving post. All I will say is that I am overly thankful this year, but with less joy. Depression in a loved one can do that and I am not dealing as well with them as I would like.

enough.

What I am thankful for is that I have a wonderful family who has flaws because they are human. But they are still mine and I love them just for that reason alone and thankful that they are mine.

I am also thankful for my career and job, regardless of the down sides.

I am thankful for the vast array of friends that I h ave been blessed with. All are different, all hae very specific things that drew us together and all of them are special to me in wonderful and lovely ways.

I am blessed to own a home and a car. I am blessed with two beautiful cats. I am blessed with a person who loves me. I am blessed to love him too. I am thankful to have these elements in my life.

On wednesday, a wise friend of mine said to me "We have many things like what you are going through happen to us. What separates you and I out of it, is that, while we do what needs doing to help our loved ones, we also see the blessings that we have as well"

I thought that very appropriate. I try to remember my blessings when I am ready to give up the fight for what I want.

So on this Thanksgiving night, with my tummy full of wonderful food, I am thankful for my life, and the people in it. I know that when the going gets tough there blessings that can get me through.

Bless all of you and have a wonderfully Thankful weekend!

Life is strange

My college room-mate and one of my bestest friends in the world sent me an email today.

I can guarantee you that had this email come from anyone else, I would have been crazy defensive.

Here's why. She compared my current with her ex. In similarities. I should also say that I couldn't stand her ex. And I made that clear.

Time does strange things though. Her email was honest and based solely on what I have said to date. It was actaully good that she wrote it and I am very very glad that she did. because it forced me to step back and look at both men for their similarities AND their differences.

The differences are huge. The similarities, I hate to say this, sort of go with the age. We are talking about men who lived through the 60's and 70's and all the things that go with that

This latest crisis that I have been going through has been hard. And she has been a rock today. I love her for it because she loves me enough to be honest with me about the things she hears and reads from me.

She forced me, without realizing it, to defend him in all the good things that he is. I wrote them in my reply - which was an interesting exchange. She's probably the only person that I know who can challenge me that way and neither of us got defensive or ugly about it, just sort of matter of factly wrote out what we thought and when I wrote out the initial list, I had to stop because I would have been writing for awhile. I didn't even have to think through what his good points where. They just flowed out of me like an open water valve. she was surprised. All she's heard recently is the bad things.

I think as people we have a tendancy to be embarassed by seeing good in others. I know I do it. But I notice even with my other friends, we are quick to talk about the bad things that are plaguing us. Whose husband is pissing them off, whose parents are driving them nuts. We don't hear about how after 10+ years of marriage, through the good and bad, sickness, health, that they still do nice things for each other.

One of my girlfriends is married to a really great guy. I adore them both. They drive each other nuts, but love each other greatly. I called today to talk to her, and she had been out since 8AM. I spoke to her husband who said he hadn't seen her since 8 and it was now 3 and he couldn't wait to see her.

I hung up and started to cry at how incredibly sweet that was after all the years and kids and stress that they have.

I think we are embarassed to acknowledge how we feel about others. I think that we as a people have a tendancy to have that viewed as weakness in our cutthroat lives.

I can guarantee that I did.

If it weren't for Mrs Jackson, Vinny and Maplemama I don't think I would have ever uttered the words I love you to my friends. Seriously. I feel it, I know its present in my heart, but I couldn't say it. These folks just say these things as the feel them and they don't apologize for it or are embarassed by it. Excellent role models for me.

Now I say it.

I also am starting to make a point of looking at the good things and making sure that people know how I feel.

I know I am pile of goo on the inside. I am just ever so afraid that people will see that. and view as weak, or worse overly emotional. I was always overly emotional as a child and my parents didn't know how to deal with that as they weren't really like that. Or maybe I was too much of a handful - I don't know. What I do know is that I remember my stepfather asking me why I have to cry all the time and at everything. Why was I so emotional.

I worked really hard to squash that. It didn't work out so well. I built big thick solid walls around myself. Protecting myself from the hurt and pain. No pain, no tears. Neat right?

Anyone curious why I have a weight problem???? anyone seeing the pattern yet?

I am really working hard at this relationship. It's not without it's issues and problems. My gutt instinct when one rises up is to run for the hills. Then one of my friends talks me down ( Thank you Ms Siamese) and then another comes in and forces me to look for the good ( Thank you Am) and the fight comes back. The fire reignites in my belly.

I think the lesson here for me, is not just knowing in your heart what the good in your loves ones is, but being able to articulate it, even and especially when the chips are down. It brings different perspectives and helps the brain work out the solutions even while you are at rest.

Good friends are hard to find. especially the ones that know you longest. If you have lived together, so much the better. Don't let them go.

Hold on with both hands and fight to keep them.

Taking care of long term business

I have to make a will.

I don't want to, but I'm at that age. I actually own property, so that also makes it necessary.

I also have life insurance and stuff, making this necessary.

Sometime ago, I made my brother and his wife the beneficiary and contingents at 100%.

After a lot of thought and a lot of soul searching, I modified it this evening and added a second benificiary.

I made the split 75% to my brother and 25% to the secondary beneficiary.

It's the right thing to do, even if its going to cause some controversy in my family. I don't care. It's what I want. I need to do this. I will be more at peace right knowing this is taken care of.

I asked Mrs. Jackson if she would take my cats in the event that something untimely happens to me. I asked that she raise them the way that I would.

She agreed, which I was counting on.

All that is left is the matter of my home, car and piano. The rest is incidental.

I am tidying up the interior and getting rid of extraneous things as well as giving away things I don't need or use. I live well, but I don't take care of things the way that I should.

Deciding how to handle the house is tough. What I want to do with it, is, leave it to one of the life insurance beneficiaries so they will always have a place to live. I don't know how that will fly or work, but I am expecting and anticipating that being the way this is going to go.

Oh and I know what my attorney will say. Again - don't care. He will advise me properly and I will listen and hear what he says, then I will do it my way.

It's an act of love, making sure that the people you love most in the world are taken care of after you depart.

I plan to have my funeral wishes written down and included in the will as well. For those of you that know me and will most likely outlive me, please, I trust you will see to it that they are followed.

Morbid... maybe.

But none-the-less.... an act of love.

If the second beneficiary is reading this.... I love you.

CATS!

My cats have a tough time relating to people with deep voices. So Wolfi has been slowly adjusting to having my bf around.

Today was the ultimate though. I spent a sleepless night and was upset at some things going on and not going on ( real or imagined). I finally went back to bed only to see my cat sleeping on him.

That traitor.

I went to sleep figureing it was a one shot deal.

Ah but no.

The little orange bastard curled up on his lap to sleep for the better part of the afternoon. Good thing I got in there in the morning or I would have had NO cuddle time with him at all. What's good for the cat is good for the mother! In fact he wanted to know if it was alright with Wolfi!

As I was walking out the the door, the two of then looked up at me and he said " this is MY cat now".

Ha,

Not till he feeds them and deals with the litter box!

Weirdness

I have always suspected that the man I would spend my life with would be different and the relationship would be anything but normal.


I also knew - and I mean knew - that I would be tested by God and this man in very unique and special ways.


I have to admit trying desparately to take the easy way out. I have dated scores of men inside my and above my income level, I have dated scores of men equal to and above my intelligence level. I have dated very few musicians, but the ones I dated were very carefully selelcted by my psyche subconsciously.


I am all about tradition. I want the house with the proverbial picket fence, minus the kids and dog. Substitute peace and quiet and the ability to sleep in and some cats and we're golden.


What I have learned about myself and about God is, there is no easy way out and you really cannot help who you fall in love. I have discovered that when I realized who I truly loved, he was smarter than I am, a far superior musician in some respects but not all, more life experience ( of course that comes with age) and many many other traits. Most importantly, kindness and the ability to make me laugh, and oh my gosh, do I laugh like hell.


Being with a musician, a working one, is wonderful. It's also hard and stressful and takes a lot of trust and faith.


But It's not instinctive. Not for one second. I think it takes MORE faith and MORE trust than the ordinary relationships that I have been in . I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am any good at those things either. Hence the tests.


I get uptight about the women. I admit it. But I realized something. He wouldn't mention it at all, if it were important. It's an amazing ego boost for a man who thinks little of himself when he has so much that he offers and so freely gives of himself. And lord there are so many of them that it's hard for a guy to not look.

It's all about the communication. As long as thee dialogue is going on, things are goinig to be OK.

And Now we wait

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I do not have a lot of patience. More to the point, I don't have a lot of patience when waiting for something.

The worst thing on earth is to call or leave a message, with no indicative tone of voice, that we need to talk. and then leave me hanging.

Largely because I have never had good things come from that. It's always been bad news.

Tonight I am sitting on edge and waiting because the Whore is at the bar where my bf is performing tonight.

The possibility of a showdown exists.

I'm a wreck pending the outcome and he hasn't called me yet. He even come by. We discussed it. I'll see him tomorrow either way.

But in the meantime, this has been eating him alive all week and it's passed on to me too. He's been wonderful about not pushing the issues here, but I'm stressed all the same.

I'd fight tigers for him. Including her.