When I was a little girl I would have been described as a "girly girl". I played with dolls, I played "house", yes I played "doctor" but not the lewd adult version everyone jokes about, I had a dollhouse that my dad made for me and my mom decorated ( that I still have at my brothers house). I loved frills and lace and hate anything practical.
I always planned to be "the mommy". I always expected to have a husband and a home and children and a dog. I expected to live in the exact same house that my parents had when I was small.
Somewhere after my parents divorce this plan of mine went away. Not even astray - just gone. I didn't care if I ever got married and I certainly didn't want children.
At 8 years old, on some level, security in relationships or lack thereof, was brought into a very specific relief. I had never seen my mom cry before, I helped pack my dad up to move and it never occured to me that this wasn't supposed to happen.
At this same early age, I learned that relationships are not only hard, but tenous at best. There is no home secure enough, no relationship strong enough on its own, to last without hard work from ALL parties. That means everyone who is involved. When one person shuts down, and stops contributing or working or even trying, it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it can be rebuilt and sometimes it can't.
As children, we tend to be dreamers. I always dreamed of being in love. As a baby and little girl, I was raised listening to the Carpenters ( gag) and Barry Manilow (Yeesh). As I got older and hit my teenage years, I listened to love songs. All of them, the happy ballads, the sad breakup tunes. I loved the all. I will admit to listening to Air Supply at one point and liking it. Can't stand them now, but know all the words.
What makes this important is that music and love have always been a part of my soul. They aren't and cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I listen to these songs and envision what they would, do or can mean in my life. I never really forget the songs and they come to my brain at strange times depending on how things are going.
In my heart of hearts, I always knew that love for me would be a huge challenge for me. That there was no way that my life was meant to meet someone, date, fall in love, get in engaged, get married, have kids, get the house, live thereafter till death us do part. I was, and am, convinced that the relationship that goes the distance was going to be frought with trials in the beginning.
I believed then as I do now two things about this. That good things come to those who wait and nothing worthwhile is easily attained. I am not in my 20's. And that is a good thing. If I had married in my 20's I can assure you I would be divorced by now.
The funny thing is, though I learned some definite negative behaviours as a child, I also learned some excellent ones also. I learned that marrying your best friend or having your spouse become your best friend is one of the ways to go, if you can make that work. That finding your prince charming does happen, even if you have to go through trial by fire to be with him. And as long as you are doing the right things by your self, then that trial by fire is the right thing. Honesty is truly the best policy and any relationship not based on that, is doomed to fail at some point.
All this history came to me this evening. I was looking at pictures of my childhood. All those happy and smiling faces. mostly mine. And thinking about the fact that in these pictures I am under the age of 8. And when I was 6, my dad changed jobs. He moved from "town I grew up in" to "town I currently live in" as director of music. This job change really shook up our lives. My parents divorced, my dad moved out, our house went up for sale.... and I met my best friend. Who was 18 at the time.
It sounds creepy right? It's only 12 years and doesn't matter today and who knew back then that we would be here?
But it gets better.
A close family friend of mine went to "Upstate State University" and is a year older than I am. He met his wife there. Her dearest friend turned out to be none other than.... my best friend's ex wife.
But it gets better than that. The close family friend is a close family friend because he is the step son of my dad's best friend, Kurt. Kurt, was changing jobs when I was 6. THis is how my dad got the job. Kurt left to go to "eastern school" and my dad took his job. But before that, Kurt was my best friends teacher.
Crazy right? I know.
Once I put it together in my mind, I knew I had to write it out here. Otherwise I might never remember it.
The whole bit with the love songs.... He's a musician and composer and that's his personal outlet. Ironic isn't it?
I look at my life now as product of many things. For one, I am at the point where I really cannot define what this relationship is. And I don't care. I am actually fine with no label. For now.
I have never been one to really come clean to those who count with what's in my heart for fear of rejection. Because my dad was rejected by my mom. I don't blame her - or him. That was a good decision in retrospect. But as a child that's how it looked to me. And I was the mature one. I can't tell you what it did to the younger kids.
So the fact that I verbalize my feelings to my closest friends, my best friend and this blog is a very big step for me. I was always embarassed to say these things for fear of being too "emo". I hate that term, because to me, it embodies a disparaging concept. As if it's not cool to have those kinds of feelings. I am feeling very free inside. Things aren't bottled up inside as much. Most importantly, I am able to convey my feelings to the people in my life who count without fear of retribution or even rejection.
I believe that some of my weight issues stem from this. I bottle things up and then used food as the outlet and comfort. It was easy to abuse food. Since I started communcating I am finding the weight loss easier. I almost don't eeven think about it as much as I used to,. I just eat when I am hungry, make sure I drink my water, my vitamins and get my fruits and veggies in and that's that. I don't worry about it as much. And the weight just comes off.
Even with having my best friend somewhat reject me, and then my attempt at rejecting him and then us fighting to be together in some fashion, we are communicating to each other and verbalizing the things that need to be verbalized. Honesty plays a huge roll in it as well.
I credit this blog, the people who read it and those who I read, for helping me to realize many of the things about myself that had been sitting there unaddressed, some which contribute to my weight issue since I have used food to compensate for years, and most importantly, to communicate my feelings better and making sure that the people I love, know it.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
D-Day
I had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine this afternoon.
She's been away for a few weeks.
She called me today to discuss some plans that we have been making on going.
We segued onto what's been going on in my life and I swore her to secrecy and blurted the whole thing out. Well the highlights - the important ones at any rate.
She understands more than some because she is close to this situation as well. She helps feed my best friend's brother. She is providing relief for him so he can be with me.
She wasn't in the least bit surprised or angry or anything. She is wonderful that way. We talked about my taking care of the caretaker and her assisting the care of the ill. She told me something interesting.
She told me that even in the best of relationships, work needs to happen on both sides. And from what she can see and what she can tell, he's not emotionally ready to do it and likely won't be till the situation with his brother settles down.
Additionally I commented to her that women in general have a hard time putting themselves first. I did it for years. Successfully. When I put my best friend first in a time that he needed it, it was done by choice. I am not complaining about it, whining about it or anything. I truly understand my decision and am perfectly fine with it.
What I need to do in addition to putting him first, is take my self care up another level. Oh don't get me wrong, I am trying to do things that make me happy but my heart has gone out of the music to a degree. But I am taking my baths and reading my books and decompressing out by the pool every day that i can. I need to schedule a massage and a brazilian wax. I am taking care of my skin and I noticed today the horror of all horrors.
Grey hairs at the hairline.
I tweezed them all out. But this is premature in my opinion. I always have one or two - but I tweezed somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 around my face.
Not good.
My brain gets distracted very easily too. I'm better than I was 2 weeks ago, but I was on a conf call this morning getting screamed at and cursed at by a customer - violently so. It wasn't me personally - but my project team. In the midle of the ranting and raving, my mind went to the next county where my best friend was staying with his brother. And all of sudden the dull ache of missing him hit me in the pit of my stomach. It was ridiculous. I just spoke to the man the night before for heavens sake. But, there it was. The hole in my heart just aching.
But I shoved it aside and dove back into the call with both feet and even managed to throw out a defense to my team that honored the customer who was screaming and gave him credit for the task. That shut him down for a few minutes.
The day turned around as far as the job was concerned. I work my ass off every day. I don't blink about it, or even bitch about it. It's what I get paid for. But don't come looking for me after 5. That's MY time and I need to decompress in order to be where I need to be emotionally and mentally for my best friend when he needs me. It's recognized - don't misunderstand. He knows what I do for him. And he knows what I give up of myself to do it. It's not always talked about, but it is discussed often enough. He makes sure that I know how much he loves and appreciates me.
But I continue to feel like I am in a period of flux. Largely because after today, I simply have no idea what is going to happen. Or when. And not being a big fan of change, unless it's good, this has me uneasy.
At some point I'll know. I'm not actually stressing about not knowing, but it does have me concerned.
She's been away for a few weeks.
She called me today to discuss some plans that we have been making on going.
We segued onto what's been going on in my life and I swore her to secrecy and blurted the whole thing out. Well the highlights - the important ones at any rate.
She understands more than some because she is close to this situation as well. She helps feed my best friend's brother. She is providing relief for him so he can be with me.
She wasn't in the least bit surprised or angry or anything. She is wonderful that way. We talked about my taking care of the caretaker and her assisting the care of the ill. She told me something interesting.
She told me that even in the best of relationships, work needs to happen on both sides. And from what she can see and what she can tell, he's not emotionally ready to do it and likely won't be till the situation with his brother settles down.
Additionally I commented to her that women in general have a hard time putting themselves first. I did it for years. Successfully. When I put my best friend first in a time that he needed it, it was done by choice. I am not complaining about it, whining about it or anything. I truly understand my decision and am perfectly fine with it.
What I need to do in addition to putting him first, is take my self care up another level. Oh don't get me wrong, I am trying to do things that make me happy but my heart has gone out of the music to a degree. But I am taking my baths and reading my books and decompressing out by the pool every day that i can. I need to schedule a massage and a brazilian wax. I am taking care of my skin and I noticed today the horror of all horrors.
Grey hairs at the hairline.
I tweezed them all out. But this is premature in my opinion. I always have one or two - but I tweezed somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 around my face.
Not good.
My brain gets distracted very easily too. I'm better than I was 2 weeks ago, but I was on a conf call this morning getting screamed at and cursed at by a customer - violently so. It wasn't me personally - but my project team. In the midle of the ranting and raving, my mind went to the next county where my best friend was staying with his brother. And all of sudden the dull ache of missing him hit me in the pit of my stomach. It was ridiculous. I just spoke to the man the night before for heavens sake. But, there it was. The hole in my heart just aching.
But I shoved it aside and dove back into the call with both feet and even managed to throw out a defense to my team that honored the customer who was screaming and gave him credit for the task. That shut him down for a few minutes.
The day turned around as far as the job was concerned. I work my ass off every day. I don't blink about it, or even bitch about it. It's what I get paid for. But don't come looking for me after 5. That's MY time and I need to decompress in order to be where I need to be emotionally and mentally for my best friend when he needs me. It's recognized - don't misunderstand. He knows what I do for him. And he knows what I give up of myself to do it. It's not always talked about, but it is discussed often enough. He makes sure that I know how much he loves and appreciates me.
But I continue to feel like I am in a period of flux. Largely because after today, I simply have no idea what is going to happen. Or when. And not being a big fan of change, unless it's good, this has me uneasy.
At some point I'll know. I'm not actually stressing about not knowing, but it does have me concerned.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Exhaustion
Every day I sit in front of the laptop and I think about what has transpired in the day, how I'm feeling and what I want to tell you about.
The last two days have been entirely about exhaustion. It's not just a physical exhaustion but a mental and emotional one too.
It's prevented me from writing actually. Reading too.
Largely because my mind cannot comprehend the written word. I went to bed last night and didn't even read. I can honestly say I don't remember the last time that I went to bed alone and didn't read.
I've essentially become useless in that regard. Thinking has become a luxury I cannot afford.
I'm slowly starting to rebound though. I have been going to bed earlier. I have taken my baths and moisturized my skin. I have started making lists and putting my house in order - slowly.
I have scheduled the birthday party for two of my best girlfriends. I will work with Lili to make this a really special day for them. We have a Cabanna on the ocean and it will be wonderful and I cannot wait. I have my new large brimmed straw hat, with matching bag. I am all set.
My special snack lately has been Diet Coke with Lime. Laugh all you want but I don't drink soda and I found a bottle of it in the house. Ergo - this is my new snack.
I am officially 22 lbs down. But I need to get my sleep patterns back in line. I cann't sleep in the heat so being minus A/C in that room doesn't help me much. I went back to cooling the room off until I go to bed and then turning it on when the heat wakes me up. My money just arrived from my trust today so I can buy my A/C by the weekend I hope.
My house is clean. Housekeeper was here. I am trying to maintain that better and organize again. I am planning to Feng Shui the house once more to tighten it up a bit.
I have an empty head right now. What I wish for on some days is an empty heart. I have that stupid song that my best friend wrote about the whore in my head. He asked me to listen to the professional recording he did of it. Seriously from a musical standpoint - it's brilliant. But the premise makes me a little bit crazy.
Tomorrow is his last day as primary caregiver. After this our lives change. Not right away or overnight, but mark my words on this day. It will happen. I just don't know if it's for better or for worse.
I'm praying for better.
The last two days have been entirely about exhaustion. It's not just a physical exhaustion but a mental and emotional one too.
It's prevented me from writing actually. Reading too.
Largely because my mind cannot comprehend the written word. I went to bed last night and didn't even read. I can honestly say I don't remember the last time that I went to bed alone and didn't read.
I've essentially become useless in that regard. Thinking has become a luxury I cannot afford.
I'm slowly starting to rebound though. I have been going to bed earlier. I have taken my baths and moisturized my skin. I have started making lists and putting my house in order - slowly.
I have scheduled the birthday party for two of my best girlfriends. I will work with Lili to make this a really special day for them. We have a Cabanna on the ocean and it will be wonderful and I cannot wait. I have my new large brimmed straw hat, with matching bag. I am all set.
My special snack lately has been Diet Coke with Lime. Laugh all you want but I don't drink soda and I found a bottle of it in the house. Ergo - this is my new snack.
I am officially 22 lbs down. But I need to get my sleep patterns back in line. I cann't sleep in the heat so being minus A/C in that room doesn't help me much. I went back to cooling the room off until I go to bed and then turning it on when the heat wakes me up. My money just arrived from my trust today so I can buy my A/C by the weekend I hope.
My house is clean. Housekeeper was here. I am trying to maintain that better and organize again. I am planning to Feng Shui the house once more to tighten it up a bit.
I have an empty head right now. What I wish for on some days is an empty heart. I have that stupid song that my best friend wrote about the whore in my head. He asked me to listen to the professional recording he did of it. Seriously from a musical standpoint - it's brilliant. But the premise makes me a little bit crazy.
Tomorrow is his last day as primary caregiver. After this our lives change. Not right away or overnight, but mark my words on this day. It will happen. I just don't know if it's for better or for worse.
I'm praying for better.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
the stupid fear
The power of suggestion is a powerful thing.
What has me kicking my own ass, is that I am the one who suggested this particular thing to myself and to my blogging community.
Now I ask myself, was that smart, was it shrewd or was it stupid?
I mentioned in my last post that I have some fears that are all mine but are largely stupid.
Stupid as they are - one haunts me.
I pray every night. I mean every night. I have a wide array of things that are included in that, and I have explained how I do this in detail already.
I am a little bit disappointed in myself. First off, I am not a fearful person.Generally speaking of course. It bothers me that I am afraid. Forget why, though I will explain in a moment, I am just disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel this fear.
So when I am asked in those quizzes what I am most afraid of, my answer is:
When my best friend is finally out of his health care situation with his brother, our relationship will not just change but degrade. I am afraid I won't be important anymore. And worse, when his brother dies, it will degrade further.
Do you have any idea how absurd it is for me to read this ? I read this post and realize that while the possibility definitely exists for this fear to be realized, it probably won't. I say probably because we ar eboth human after all, but it's not likely.
Another friend today made a brilliant comment. Being the caretaker sucks the life out of you. It really does particularly when it is something that goes on for years. I did a part time gig for 7 years, she is still embroiled in one after 4 years and he is going on year 7. So we know from whence we speak.
The fact is I am taking care of the care taker. That is a job unto itself. A big one. And I am noticing the frequency has picked up. It used to be once every 2-3 weeks, moved to once every 1-2, then once per week and now we are at 2-3 times per week. Seriously, I have to say this, but in a way I have become an enabler. I allow him to drink himself to sleep when he chooses to. I allow him to pretty much have the run of the house when he's here. He needs a safe haven and he needs to be in a place where the only thing he needs to worry about is what movie are we going to see.
None the less, I won't enable forever. I am also fearful of our future. I hate to not know what's going to happen. And I want something more permanent that he's in no position to think about.
So it's stupid, but real.
And I just pulled out my hip by kicking my own ass for suggesting it.
Duh - mental head slap!
What has me kicking my own ass, is that I am the one who suggested this particular thing to myself and to my blogging community.
Now I ask myself, was that smart, was it shrewd or was it stupid?
I mentioned in my last post that I have some fears that are all mine but are largely stupid.
Stupid as they are - one haunts me.
I pray every night. I mean every night. I have a wide array of things that are included in that, and I have explained how I do this in detail already.
I am a little bit disappointed in myself. First off, I am not a fearful person.Generally speaking of course. It bothers me that I am afraid. Forget why, though I will explain in a moment, I am just disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel this fear.
So when I am asked in those quizzes what I am most afraid of, my answer is:
When my best friend is finally out of his health care situation with his brother, our relationship will not just change but degrade. I am afraid I won't be important anymore. And worse, when his brother dies, it will degrade further.
Do you have any idea how absurd it is for me to read this ? I read this post and realize that while the possibility definitely exists for this fear to be realized, it probably won't. I say probably because we ar eboth human after all, but it's not likely.
Another friend today made a brilliant comment. Being the caretaker sucks the life out of you. It really does particularly when it is something that goes on for years. I did a part time gig for 7 years, she is still embroiled in one after 4 years and he is going on year 7. So we know from whence we speak.
The fact is I am taking care of the care taker. That is a job unto itself. A big one. And I am noticing the frequency has picked up. It used to be once every 2-3 weeks, moved to once every 1-2, then once per week and now we are at 2-3 times per week. Seriously, I have to say this, but in a way I have become an enabler. I allow him to drink himself to sleep when he chooses to. I allow him to pretty much have the run of the house when he's here. He needs a safe haven and he needs to be in a place where the only thing he needs to worry about is what movie are we going to see.
None the less, I won't enable forever. I am also fearful of our future. I hate to not know what's going to happen. And I want something more permanent that he's in no position to think about.
So it's stupid, but real.
And I just pulled out my hip by kicking my own ass for suggesting it.
Duh - mental head slap!
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Some words of wisdom
By now you all should be fairly well versed in how things have been going in the house of the contessa.
I want to thank Lisa and by extension, Melodie for the quote below.
"There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it is not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect"
It's a very profound commentary. But it does tie into the quote "Nothing worthwhile is easily attained." Thus, when one is working towards a goal and encounter people and situations that cause despair, disrespect and depression one should definitely work to remove them, but at the same time, one has to know that there is a possibility that this is part of the work one has to do to attain the goal you are working towards.
What I love most about Melodie's quote and it's the thing I carry with me in my heart, is this part right here:
"There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it is not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect"
It's something I am trying to do more of. Which means the conversations and discussions with my family and friends take a different approach sometimes. The high point of this is that once I started doing it, others followed suit. I don't think my best friend and I have ever had the kind of communication that is happening now. The intimacy and closeness is at new level for us. It's weird too because with the intimacy and closeness that we share through that, other things between us seem to have shifted too. we're not where we need to be yet, but I feel like we are on that path.
And I'm not afraid of it. I have some fears but they are largley stupid if you ask me. Like, I am afraid that when things straighten out with his brother and his job, our relationship will fall apart. Or that I will be rejected for something that was once OK. These are things that are stupid and mostly my issues.
At the end of the day, you have to tell the people you love how you feel while you have the chance. God doesn't drop these gifts on our laps twice and no matter what you may think or feel, the people we love and who love us are gifts.
We are not mindreaders though. Not truly. With our loved ones, we sometimes know each other so well that we don't even need to speak in full sentences or at all. But this is not to be relied upon. If you tend to be secretive about your feelings, and I speak only for myself, and I am, you will miss some really good opportunities.
Being Secretive with out feelings and desires is usually a form of self esteem or lack thereof. I certainly know that this is my problem. It also is my best friends. But one thing I realized. This situation with us, while I can't define it in conventional terms, is very special. For both. I tried to leave twice in the past 7 years. The first time amounted to nothing. Nothing changed because I didn't change.
This last time did. Because I wasn't afraid to say how I felt. I didn't play for abstract. I laid it out there. specifically and in great detail. Now, to be fair, it didn't net me the reaction that I wanted, but I should have known going in that the possibility of that happening is about 70/30. I tried to leave the relationship altogether. I cann't live with a small piecec of the pie and the crumbs being thrown at me when it's convenient.
But then something happened. To my best friend. He wouldn't let me leave. And he's worked harder at keeping me than ever before. It's not perfect, but it just gets better. That connection is strong. communication is open. And I'm giving the space he needs - happily I might add - to do what he needs to do for himself and his family - and me.
And he's doing it.
I am content right now with the way things are. Imporvements on both sides need to be made but I am fairly content.
I want to thank Lisa and by extension, Melodie for the quote below.
"There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it is not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect"
It's a very profound commentary. But it does tie into the quote "Nothing worthwhile is easily attained." Thus, when one is working towards a goal and encounter people and situations that cause despair, disrespect and depression one should definitely work to remove them, but at the same time, one has to know that there is a possibility that this is part of the work one has to do to attain the goal you are working towards.
What I love most about Melodie's quote and it's the thing I carry with me in my heart, is this part right here:
"There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it is not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect"
It's something I am trying to do more of. Which means the conversations and discussions with my family and friends take a different approach sometimes. The high point of this is that once I started doing it, others followed suit. I don't think my best friend and I have ever had the kind of communication that is happening now. The intimacy and closeness is at new level for us. It's weird too because with the intimacy and closeness that we share through that, other things between us seem to have shifted too. we're not where we need to be yet, but I feel like we are on that path.
And I'm not afraid of it. I have some fears but they are largley stupid if you ask me. Like, I am afraid that when things straighten out with his brother and his job, our relationship will fall apart. Or that I will be rejected for something that was once OK. These are things that are stupid and mostly my issues.
At the end of the day, you have to tell the people you love how you feel while you have the chance. God doesn't drop these gifts on our laps twice and no matter what you may think or feel, the people we love and who love us are gifts.
We are not mindreaders though. Not truly. With our loved ones, we sometimes know each other so well that we don't even need to speak in full sentences or at all. But this is not to be relied upon. If you tend to be secretive about your feelings, and I speak only for myself, and I am, you will miss some really good opportunities.
Being Secretive with out feelings and desires is usually a form of self esteem or lack thereof. I certainly know that this is my problem. It also is my best friends. But one thing I realized. This situation with us, while I can't define it in conventional terms, is very special. For both. I tried to leave twice in the past 7 years. The first time amounted to nothing. Nothing changed because I didn't change.
This last time did. Because I wasn't afraid to say how I felt. I didn't play for abstract. I laid it out there. specifically and in great detail. Now, to be fair, it didn't net me the reaction that I wanted, but I should have known going in that the possibility of that happening is about 70/30. I tried to leave the relationship altogether. I cann't live with a small piecec of the pie and the crumbs being thrown at me when it's convenient.
But then something happened. To my best friend. He wouldn't let me leave. And he's worked harder at keeping me than ever before. It's not perfect, but it just gets better. That connection is strong. communication is open. And I'm giving the space he needs - happily I might add - to do what he needs to do for himself and his family - and me.
And he's doing it.
I am content right now with the way things are. Imporvements on both sides need to be made but I am fairly content.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
The Explosion
I went out with my voice twin last night. We went to Coldstone Creamery for ice cream.
My car still needs to go into the shop. It's driving rough, but not due to the engine. In fact, it runs so rough that my voice twin commented that one could have an orgasm while sitting in the passenger seat long enough. Which sent me into hysterics.
Both the ice cream and the company were spectacular.
We went back to her house to just hang for a bit. While we were there, my friends dad called me. He had a couple of things to discuss that were important. We talked about my friend ( his daughter) and her health, a potential client for me and the status of the chorale we both sing in.
We hung out a little while longer.
When I left, I took a longer route home so I was on local roads as I wasn't comfortable with the level of bounce over 40 miles per hour.
I called my step-mom on the phone while enroute to my house to let her know that I spoke to my friends dad. I was still on the phone with her when I walked into the house.
I was in the house about 5 minutes when we heard the explosion. Everyone, to a man, who has a window facing south in our condo, ran to the window. But nothing could be seen. My neighbor across the way called me to ask what the hell was going on.
I hung up ith my step mom and talked to my neighbor about the possibilities.
The explosion sounded like either a gunshot ( a big one ) or an M80. That was my assessment. There were "kids" Hanging out in our parking lot which is where the sound appeared to originate. They were there until roughly 11 PM.
This morning I went downstairs to meet Jenna for coffee and noticed my tire flat as flat can be and a perfectly round hole in it.
Not normally being an alarmist, but being raised to be vigilant, my first thought was vandalism. One of those kids must have shot out my tire. And the irony of it was they were hanging out directly opposite from my car. So my thought process wasn't a stretch.
Feeling tense, and just trying to organize my thoughts, I called Jenna. As luck would have it, she was just about near me, so she came to pick me up. She took one look at the tire and we got in the car. Ever the cool head prevailing, she announced that we would go pick up coffee and breakfast and head back to her house. While she may not be speaking to her husband, I was and he would help us. So she called him from the car and said,
"Hi, it's me. I'm not speaking to you but Contessa is. We are picking up coffee and then coming home. I need you to take her keys and put her spare on. "
"OK sure. I'm not doing anything. I just got out of the shower."
So I yell into the speaker phone,
"Thank YOU!!!!" but he was already gone.
We get our coffee and breakfast. At her house I hand the keys over and tell him where my car is parked.
And hour and half later he called from the local tire place. The tire could be replaced for 70 dollars. I authorized it and he said it wasn't shot out. It was an air bubble the exploded.
Mental head slap.
The explosion last night.
Duh.
My tire exploded within 5 minutes of my getting out of the car last night.
Holy crap.
I could have been driving the car when that happened.
I would tell you that I was lucky. But I think it's the answer to a prayer.
I wasn't supposed to BE in the car.
And the Beauty of it????
The shake rattle and roll ??? essentially gone. I will take it in to make sure the passenger side is OK as the shaking seemed to be worse there, but for the most part I was back driving the speed limit.
I can't imagine what that would have done while I was driving. My mind shuts down at the thought.
The funny thing is, I just checked the air pressure last week and all tires were perfect. So how this air bubble came in to play confused me. So I had Jenna's husband explain it to me.
If you rub your tire against a curb while parking or something like that? YOu wear down the wall of the tire. Thus air can get in. Hence a bubble CAN form. And with extreme heat, can expand and with no where else to go? BAM !!!! Explosion.
We were 90+ degree heat till yesterday. It was in the 60's last night. The tire guy was not only NOT surprised that it happened but he was shocked to learn I wasn't driving it at the time. You see the heat and friction from driving is ultimately what did it.
Imagine popping a balloon. Loud right????
A tire popping- the ultimate balloon incidentally - shook the building.
For me, I was just happy to know that my tire didn't got shot out by vandalism. I would much rather be the responsible party. I would rather have to kick my own ass than someone elses.
Drive safely!
My car still needs to go into the shop. It's driving rough, but not due to the engine. In fact, it runs so rough that my voice twin commented that one could have an orgasm while sitting in the passenger seat long enough. Which sent me into hysterics.
Both the ice cream and the company were spectacular.
We went back to her house to just hang for a bit. While we were there, my friends dad called me. He had a couple of things to discuss that were important. We talked about my friend ( his daughter) and her health, a potential client for me and the status of the chorale we both sing in.
We hung out a little while longer.
When I left, I took a longer route home so I was on local roads as I wasn't comfortable with the level of bounce over 40 miles per hour.
I called my step-mom on the phone while enroute to my house to let her know that I spoke to my friends dad. I was still on the phone with her when I walked into the house.
I was in the house about 5 minutes when we heard the explosion. Everyone, to a man, who has a window facing south in our condo, ran to the window. But nothing could be seen. My neighbor across the way called me to ask what the hell was going on.
I hung up ith my step mom and talked to my neighbor about the possibilities.
The explosion sounded like either a gunshot ( a big one ) or an M80. That was my assessment. There were "kids" Hanging out in our parking lot which is where the sound appeared to originate. They were there until roughly 11 PM.
This morning I went downstairs to meet Jenna for coffee and noticed my tire flat as flat can be and a perfectly round hole in it.
Not normally being an alarmist, but being raised to be vigilant, my first thought was vandalism. One of those kids must have shot out my tire. And the irony of it was they were hanging out directly opposite from my car. So my thought process wasn't a stretch.
Feeling tense, and just trying to organize my thoughts, I called Jenna. As luck would have it, she was just about near me, so she came to pick me up. She took one look at the tire and we got in the car. Ever the cool head prevailing, she announced that we would go pick up coffee and breakfast and head back to her house. While she may not be speaking to her husband, I was and he would help us. So she called him from the car and said,
"Hi, it's me. I'm not speaking to you but Contessa is. We are picking up coffee and then coming home. I need you to take her keys and put her spare on. "
"OK sure. I'm not doing anything. I just got out of the shower."
So I yell into the speaker phone,
"Thank YOU!!!!" but he was already gone.
We get our coffee and breakfast. At her house I hand the keys over and tell him where my car is parked.
And hour and half later he called from the local tire place. The tire could be replaced for 70 dollars. I authorized it and he said it wasn't shot out. It was an air bubble the exploded.
Mental head slap.
The explosion last night.
Duh.
My tire exploded within 5 minutes of my getting out of the car last night.
Holy crap.
I could have been driving the car when that happened.
I would tell you that I was lucky. But I think it's the answer to a prayer.
I wasn't supposed to BE in the car.
And the Beauty of it????
The shake rattle and roll ??? essentially gone. I will take it in to make sure the passenger side is OK as the shaking seemed to be worse there, but for the most part I was back driving the speed limit.
I can't imagine what that would have done while I was driving. My mind shuts down at the thought.
The funny thing is, I just checked the air pressure last week and all tires were perfect. So how this air bubble came in to play confused me. So I had Jenna's husband explain it to me.
If you rub your tire against a curb while parking or something like that? YOu wear down the wall of the tire. Thus air can get in. Hence a bubble CAN form. And with extreme heat, can expand and with no where else to go? BAM !!!! Explosion.
We were 90+ degree heat till yesterday. It was in the 60's last night. The tire guy was not only NOT surprised that it happened but he was shocked to learn I wasn't driving it at the time. You see the heat and friction from driving is ultimately what did it.
Imagine popping a balloon. Loud right????
A tire popping- the ultimate balloon incidentally - shook the building.
For me, I was just happy to know that my tire didn't got shot out by vandalism. I would much rather be the responsible party. I would rather have to kick my own ass than someone elses.
Drive safely!
Thursday, August 09, 2007
definitions
My job in the past few days has been unbelievably challenging.
I have noticed an increasing anger like a low level hum, almost primordial, amongst my team in the past 18 months.
It's been slowly increasing to a fever pitch.
And the calm before the storm is now officially over.
Our staff call today went 2 and half hours. It was recorded, and now I know why. OUr leader verbally abused and bashed us in defense of a lie he has been perpetuating.
Actually. I feel really sorry for him. I'm sorry that he came from a corporate culture that used fear and intimidation in order to lead. I'm sorry that he feels if he doesn't have us doing absolutely everyone's job including our own means that he will lose his.
The reality is, he is a nice man. He is a smart man. He is a compassionate man.
His business persona is almost opposite.
What I found more important here is that I walked out of my house at 5 and taught 3 lessons to my kids. Then I was looking forward to Coldstone Ice cream, but my mom wanted us out east as my step dad had just gotten through surgery. Successfully as it turns out, the mass is gone now. We are thrilled, he is running a temp but as long as it goes down and stays down he can come home tomorrow.
I heard from my best friend again today twice. This is an unnerving precedent. But entirely lovely. He is coming by any minute to show off his new car and we'll watch a movie and relax a bit. This is a repeat of what we did last night too.
I want to say this because today I noticed it. The work stuff is really bothering me. Here's what I do and I realized today that I do it all the time.
When things get bad, between my immediate mgmt and myself ( and /or my team), I assume that it's me. It's my fault, or I'm not as good at what I do. I torment myself into believing that I am not qualified or good at my job.
As I was driving to my mom's, with various team members on my phone, It occurred to me that the reason things are bad, is because I am not good at what I do.
I was quickly brouoght back to reality. My customer likes me. I must be doing something right. My previous manager gave me superior ratings all the time. He trusted me implicitly.
The problem here, isn't me.
Well it is in a way.
I am very thorough in what I do. What ends up happening is that my bosses of yore ( and present) woulf issue me directives that I had already done. I normally just say OK. and do the next couple of necessary steps. With my current boss, if I don't confirm it's done already, I end up hearing hourly "is it done yet? when will you get to it?". So I find myself in the awkward position of saying " I took care of that already" which generally shows that I am ahead of my boss.
ONly people who are really secure can handle that.
I find that the mgmt that I have worked for in my life that can't hear that, are generally afraid one of us is after their job.
They needn't worry. Not interested.
But once I realized that I am really good at my job, I was able to let it go. I had a nice evening with my family. Great news on the mass being gone succesfully and my best friend should be here momentarily. I am in a great mood.
Seriously no matter what happens tomorrow or the next day, this mgmt does not define me or my qualifications to do this job.
I have noticed an increasing anger like a low level hum, almost primordial, amongst my team in the past 18 months.
It's been slowly increasing to a fever pitch.
And the calm before the storm is now officially over.
Our staff call today went 2 and half hours. It was recorded, and now I know why. OUr leader verbally abused and bashed us in defense of a lie he has been perpetuating.
Actually. I feel really sorry for him. I'm sorry that he came from a corporate culture that used fear and intimidation in order to lead. I'm sorry that he feels if he doesn't have us doing absolutely everyone's job including our own means that he will lose his.
The reality is, he is a nice man. He is a smart man. He is a compassionate man.
His business persona is almost opposite.
What I found more important here is that I walked out of my house at 5 and taught 3 lessons to my kids. Then I was looking forward to Coldstone Ice cream, but my mom wanted us out east as my step dad had just gotten through surgery. Successfully as it turns out, the mass is gone now. We are thrilled, he is running a temp but as long as it goes down and stays down he can come home tomorrow.
I heard from my best friend again today twice. This is an unnerving precedent. But entirely lovely. He is coming by any minute to show off his new car and we'll watch a movie and relax a bit. This is a repeat of what we did last night too.
I want to say this because today I noticed it. The work stuff is really bothering me. Here's what I do and I realized today that I do it all the time.
When things get bad, between my immediate mgmt and myself ( and /or my team), I assume that it's me. It's my fault, or I'm not as good at what I do. I torment myself into believing that I am not qualified or good at my job.
As I was driving to my mom's, with various team members on my phone, It occurred to me that the reason things are bad, is because I am not good at what I do.
I was quickly brouoght back to reality. My customer likes me. I must be doing something right. My previous manager gave me superior ratings all the time. He trusted me implicitly.
The problem here, isn't me.
Well it is in a way.
I am very thorough in what I do. What ends up happening is that my bosses of yore ( and present) woulf issue me directives that I had already done. I normally just say OK. and do the next couple of necessary steps. With my current boss, if I don't confirm it's done already, I end up hearing hourly "is it done yet? when will you get to it?". So I find myself in the awkward position of saying " I took care of that already" which generally shows that I am ahead of my boss.
ONly people who are really secure can handle that.
I find that the mgmt that I have worked for in my life that can't hear that, are generally afraid one of us is after their job.
They needn't worry. Not interested.
But once I realized that I am really good at my job, I was able to let it go. I had a nice evening with my family. Great news on the mass being gone succesfully and my best friend should be here momentarily. I am in a great mood.
Seriously no matter what happens tomorrow or the next day, this mgmt does not define me or my qualifications to do this job.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
The opposite of the Midas touch
Things here are not going well and you know what they say:
"When it rains it pours"
Well - we had torrentional rain, thunder and lightning ripping through the area along with a tornado in Brooklyn last night.
That's just the actual weather report.
The storms, more commonly referred to as my life, took a different format. My bedroom A/C unit leaked water all over my carpet night before last which required me to mop up a boat load of water and found me drying the carpet with a hair dryer.
I spent last night researching "through the wall sleeve" units. They start at $450.00. I found a nice Sears Kenmore model for $499.00 and my neighbor is going to help me install it.
My best friend called last night. His brother, as usual, doesn't learn. He has managed to thwart the efforts to get him hospice services. This is not terribly unusual though, he had to fall severla times in order to first get the cane, then get the walker anad finally the wheelchair. So this did not come as a surprise to me. Or him. But it is frustrating all the same because it's so unfair to his family. And all the people who help care for him.
Then there is the matter of my car. It feels like a roller coaster ride if you are in the passenger seat. I mentioned it to my best friend last night and he suspects the suspension. That never occurred to me, but then that shouldn't surprise anyone. I'm not "handy" that way.
So the money I have coming in PLUS my savings account will be going towards these two expenditures.
I tend to have the opposite of the midas touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.
Let's review the evidence:
"When it rains it pours"
Well - we had torrentional rain, thunder and lightning ripping through the area along with a tornado in Brooklyn last night.
That's just the actual weather report.
The storms, more commonly referred to as my life, took a different format. My bedroom A/C unit leaked water all over my carpet night before last which required me to mop up a boat load of water and found me drying the carpet with a hair dryer.
I spent last night researching "through the wall sleeve" units. They start at $450.00. I found a nice Sears Kenmore model for $499.00 and my neighbor is going to help me install it.
My best friend called last night. His brother, as usual, doesn't learn. He has managed to thwart the efforts to get him hospice services. This is not terribly unusual though, he had to fall severla times in order to first get the cane, then get the walker anad finally the wheelchair. So this did not come as a surprise to me. Or him. But it is frustrating all the same because it's so unfair to his family. And all the people who help care for him.
Then there is the matter of my car. It feels like a roller coaster ride if you are in the passenger seat. I mentioned it to my best friend last night and he suspects the suspension. That never occurred to me, but then that shouldn't surprise anyone. I'm not "handy" that way.
So the money I have coming in PLUS my savings account will be going towards these two expenditures.
I tend to have the opposite of the midas touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.
Let's review the evidence:
- My job: Things were beautiful for about 4 years. BAM! merger. New boss. life is now crap.
- My love life: I met my soul mate. We are both in love with each other but the problem very specifically lies with him not wanting or ready to acknowledge it with some kind of peramanance. So right people - wrong time.
- My friendships: By and large this is not so bad, BUT I do have a couple of friends who seem to have abandoned me and I am unclear why. I should take the hint I guess. If they don't want regular contact wtih me and want to be friendly acquaintances who talk perhaps once or twice a year, thats fine. I just wish people would be up front instead of stringing me a long. One, when questioned, actually went with the "it's not you - It's me. "
- My family: While things are better here, I swear we are like a slightly warped version of everybody loves Raymond. And I'm Robert. Really do I need to say more?
- My home/car: As you have already seen we've covered this above. In the hopes of not being redundant I won't review it again.
Now, you may laugh when I say this but even with all of this above, every night I say a prayer, in the hopes that there is a heaven. This prayer consists of me thanking God for:
- the job that i have ( even though it blows),
- the home I have ( though it needs repairs),
- the car I drive ( same with the repairs),
- the friends and family that I have ( though all of us may be certifiable)
- The relationship that I am involved in ( though it needs a good deal of work)
- My health
- The world that we live in
Then I pray for the following:
- To make the job that am in better. by getting rid of leader
- To help me find the necessary elements to repair my home
- To help me find the necessary elements to repair my car
- To help my family and friends through any trials, illnesses or generals needs and blessings
- To help me with my relationship to get things on track for us.
- Keep me healthy and those close to me
- TO make the world a better place
- To give me strenght and courage to keep moving forward even when I feel like there is no hope, or have lost my way or my desire.
I guess that while I have the opposite of the midas touch, I also still have hope that I will be able to straighten everything out.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Irritation
Whenever I hit the point that I am in any phase of burnout - I notice that people irritate me.
With very few exceptions.
I was supposed to call my vocal coach yesterday to confirm if I could assist him in a funeral. I got tied up with my job. He called and left a message. saying he wasn't mad at me. Which made me mad at him. Then I got another message a hour later. An hour after that a third message.
Now I can't stop what I'm doing because it will be a conversation of whining and wheedling. And I Can't do it. I can't do the service and I Can't handle the whining and wheedling.
So I waited till I knew he was tied up, and left him a message.
At 10PM he returned the call that didn't need to be returned. I am serious when I tell you I screamed at the answering machine.
I like my coach, but he's a very needy person. I generally am not. So it really makes me angry when I do need people and they can't deliver. I don't ask for much - at least I don't think that I do.
My mom called last night after a lovely day with my family. I provided her the info she needed we chatted a bit and hung up. Not 10 minutes later, she calls back. Why? to ask me if I remembered to give my sister my gift.
Are you kidding me? What am I? twelve?
I was angry. I answered her calmly - largely because I couldn't believe that at my age, she is still making calls like this.
I hung up - and the anger and aggravation slammed me between the eyes. I confess that I was sitting on the toilet so I had some time on my hands with which to think.
I called her back. I calmly explained that I didn't understand her need to check on me. How would she feel if Grandma did that to her?
I had to laugh at her answer. We both did.
She said
"It wouldn't surprise me at all. Now you know why I do it. I don't even realize it. I overorganize everything. "
She proceeded to tell me that she not only irons and lays out her own clothes for events, but my step dads too. Right down to jewelry, pocketbook, accessories etc.
Damn.
I'm SCREWED. I do the same things.
We hung up fine. But after the call from my coach FOUR times today with the last one at 10PM, I went nuts. That was the end for me.
It's not the time that bothers me so much as the presumption. I don't call ANYONE at 10PM unless I know that it's OK or I have been requested to call at that time. It would never occur to me to make a call at 10PM on a weeknight like that.
He has a tendancy to be presumptious on the relationship too. I don't complain about it too much. I do address it immediately when he crosses the line. I am working on an aria from the Barber of Seville and the woman who sings it is a temptress. His commentary was "this is perfect for you being the hot temptress that you are" My response "You're an idiot" he said "that's prof idiot to you". Whatever.
That didn't bother me to be honest. He is learning slowly that its not acceptable behaviour. I learned this technique from his wife.
My aggravation and irritation exists on many levels. I have a tendancy to yell at ringing phones, throw soft objects at cats who don't listen, and don't start with me on the damn fruit flies. I take great pleausre in killing them. It helps me vent my frustration.
I am very frustrated and I am desparately trying hard to vent it in productive ways and not attack people who may mean well.
bear with me if I appear on the attack - more than likely it has little to nothing to do with you.
With very few exceptions.
I was supposed to call my vocal coach yesterday to confirm if I could assist him in a funeral. I got tied up with my job. He called and left a message. saying he wasn't mad at me. Which made me mad at him. Then I got another message a hour later. An hour after that a third message.
Now I can't stop what I'm doing because it will be a conversation of whining and wheedling. And I Can't do it. I can't do the service and I Can't handle the whining and wheedling.
So I waited till I knew he was tied up, and left him a message.
At 10PM he returned the call that didn't need to be returned. I am serious when I tell you I screamed at the answering machine.
I like my coach, but he's a very needy person. I generally am not. So it really makes me angry when I do need people and they can't deliver. I don't ask for much - at least I don't think that I do.
My mom called last night after a lovely day with my family. I provided her the info she needed we chatted a bit and hung up. Not 10 minutes later, she calls back. Why? to ask me if I remembered to give my sister my gift.
Are you kidding me? What am I? twelve?
I was angry. I answered her calmly - largely because I couldn't believe that at my age, she is still making calls like this.
I hung up - and the anger and aggravation slammed me between the eyes. I confess that I was sitting on the toilet so I had some time on my hands with which to think.
I called her back. I calmly explained that I didn't understand her need to check on me. How would she feel if Grandma did that to her?
I had to laugh at her answer. We both did.
She said
"It wouldn't surprise me at all. Now you know why I do it. I don't even realize it. I overorganize everything. "
She proceeded to tell me that she not only irons and lays out her own clothes for events, but my step dads too. Right down to jewelry, pocketbook, accessories etc.
Damn.
I'm SCREWED. I do the same things.
We hung up fine. But after the call from my coach FOUR times today with the last one at 10PM, I went nuts. That was the end for me.
It's not the time that bothers me so much as the presumption. I don't call ANYONE at 10PM unless I know that it's OK or I have been requested to call at that time. It would never occur to me to make a call at 10PM on a weeknight like that.
He has a tendancy to be presumptious on the relationship too. I don't complain about it too much. I do address it immediately when he crosses the line. I am working on an aria from the Barber of Seville and the woman who sings it is a temptress. His commentary was "this is perfect for you being the hot temptress that you are" My response "You're an idiot" he said "that's prof idiot to you". Whatever.
That didn't bother me to be honest. He is learning slowly that its not acceptable behaviour. I learned this technique from his wife.
My aggravation and irritation exists on many levels. I have a tendancy to yell at ringing phones, throw soft objects at cats who don't listen, and don't start with me on the damn fruit flies. I take great pleausre in killing them. It helps me vent my frustration.
I am very frustrated and I am desparately trying hard to vent it in productive ways and not attack people who may mean well.
bear with me if I appear on the attack - more than likely it has little to nothing to do with you.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Rainy days and MOndays
Now I wont start this by saying that I worried for nothing yesterday.
I worried about the sad realities that surround working for the person that I do.
I told my partner in crime in the south today that the only reason I didn't quit last week is that everything I am doing would be dumped on her.
Isn't that amazing? Even in my job, I am thinking of my staff before my ownn happiness.
The reality is if and when I do separate myself, my staff will pay because they will not backfill the position regardless of whose choice it is.
The amount of work that we have used to be manageable but my leader has added layers and steps that are unnecesary and timewasters. Thus the 6 of us limp along with no ability to get through this.
So my worrying about him returning from vacation was totally for something. In fact he has since added steps to my workload. Thus, I will never dig out from under.
And you know what - I don't much care.
On a different front, I am back to feeling like there is a hole in my heart. I miss my best friend so much and I feel like a part of me is empty. I have noticed it more and more through last week, till last night I had two feelings inside me. The low level dread of the return of leader and the low level ache of missing my best friend.
I never thought I would miss hin like this and I don't recall ever missing someone like this. The feeling isn't pain exactly. It's like a piece of me is missing, at least temporarily. It's a really strange feeling.
I was asked by my priest if I was actually in love or just in love with the idea of him. I thought for a fleeting second about what he was asking me. And the answer formed without my thinking it all the way through. NO. It is him. I am in love with him. No matter what is happening between us, good, bad, fighting whatever, I hear his voice and my heart sings. It's the strangest thing.
He also warned me to watch out that he doesn't become an addiction. That's not really a cause for concern. We reviewed the criteria there and none of them fit.
So my life which consisted largely of my career and my love life has recently decided to reside in the toilet. For now.
I really started thinking about how I can turn this around. Sadly there are nont a lot of actionable items that I can do right now. Working around the clock is counter productive so while I may work later than normal, I won't adopt the behaviour my boss wants us to have. Waiting and worrying about my best friend and what's happening isn't going to change and I'm not going to hound him. And I'm not worried, I just miss him. Terribly.
I have a tendancy to want all the facets of my life to be functional and good. If one thing has some issues, that's OK. We work through them. When any of the major pillars are not working, it's distressing but we patch it up. When the two major pillars don't work - that's really bad. For me. Really really bad.
So this is where I am at on this first day of the work week.
I worried about the sad realities that surround working for the person that I do.
I told my partner in crime in the south today that the only reason I didn't quit last week is that everything I am doing would be dumped on her.
Isn't that amazing? Even in my job, I am thinking of my staff before my ownn happiness.
The reality is if and when I do separate myself, my staff will pay because they will not backfill the position regardless of whose choice it is.
The amount of work that we have used to be manageable but my leader has added layers and steps that are unnecesary and timewasters. Thus the 6 of us limp along with no ability to get through this.
So my worrying about him returning from vacation was totally for something. In fact he has since added steps to my workload. Thus, I will never dig out from under.
And you know what - I don't much care.
On a different front, I am back to feeling like there is a hole in my heart. I miss my best friend so much and I feel like a part of me is empty. I have noticed it more and more through last week, till last night I had two feelings inside me. The low level dread of the return of leader and the low level ache of missing my best friend.
I never thought I would miss hin like this and I don't recall ever missing someone like this. The feeling isn't pain exactly. It's like a piece of me is missing, at least temporarily. It's a really strange feeling.
I was asked by my priest if I was actually in love or just in love with the idea of him. I thought for a fleeting second about what he was asking me. And the answer formed without my thinking it all the way through. NO. It is him. I am in love with him. No matter what is happening between us, good, bad, fighting whatever, I hear his voice and my heart sings. It's the strangest thing.
He also warned me to watch out that he doesn't become an addiction. That's not really a cause for concern. We reviewed the criteria there and none of them fit.
So my life which consisted largely of my career and my love life has recently decided to reside in the toilet. For now.
I really started thinking about how I can turn this around. Sadly there are nont a lot of actionable items that I can do right now. Working around the clock is counter productive so while I may work later than normal, I won't adopt the behaviour my boss wants us to have. Waiting and worrying about my best friend and what's happening isn't going to change and I'm not going to hound him. And I'm not worried, I just miss him. Terribly.
I have a tendancy to want all the facets of my life to be functional and good. If one thing has some issues, that's OK. We work through them. When any of the major pillars are not working, it's distressing but we patch it up. When the two major pillars don't work - that's really bad. For me. Really really bad.
So this is where I am at on this first day of the work week.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
Wishing tomorrow won't come
in 6 minutes it will be Monday.
Instead of being a better week than last, this one will be miles worse.
Leader is back and already flooding me with emails. It could be worse as there are 5 in the last hour and only one is truly ludicrous. But there's lots of hours between now and the start of the work day.
I am dreading Monday and planning my worst case actions which include but are not limited to resignation (letter is written already), opening and ethics case and an HR case. None of which I want to do, but I do believe that I may need to protect myself since my management chain most likely will not.
I am saddened by this turn of events to be sure. After almost 10 years here, it's come to this.
Tomorrow is now 2 minutes away. I'm signing off here to try and sleep.
Instead of being a better week than last, this one will be miles worse.
Leader is back and already flooding me with emails. It could be worse as there are 5 in the last hour and only one is truly ludicrous. But there's lots of hours between now and the start of the work day.
I am dreading Monday and planning my worst case actions which include but are not limited to resignation (letter is written already), opening and ethics case and an HR case. None of which I want to do, but I do believe that I may need to protect myself since my management chain most likely will not.
I am saddened by this turn of events to be sure. After almost 10 years here, it's come to this.
Tomorrow is now 2 minutes away. I'm signing off here to try and sleep.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Re-charging
Today was a great day.
Why?
Because I did very little that I didn't want to do or choose to do.
I had my voice lesson which went well. We're talking about the possibility of another recital next year. This time I am picking the material. With recommendations of course, but I am not doing the killer program that I just did this year.
I'm looking to by a docking station for my ipod. One for the bedroom so I can hear my tunes while I take my bath at night. I have already blown out two sets of ear buds because they fell in the tub. I really don't want to keep spending money on those...
I came home, after by passing Weight watchers... Nothing personal, I should have gone, but I wanted to get home, get in my suit and sit by my pool and work on my tan. Which is exactly what I did. I read my book, listened to my JOni Mitchell CD and just generally disconnected from the world for 2 hours.
Which brings me to my next point. I have noticed how difficult it is for me to disconnect lately. I've started making a checklist of the shift I undergo depending on whether I am dealing with job related stress, emotional stress or worse - both. So far:
Job Related stress:
Weight Gain due to over eating
Unable to sleep at night - requires 2 different sleep meds to get 6 hours in.
Eczema breakouts despite meds
Unable to disconnect even for an hour
Snapping at the slightest provocation
Tears of frustration just hovering under the surface
Emotional Related Stress:
Weight Loss due to under eating
Excessive sleep - more than 8-9 hours a night
Tears of emotion at controlled intervals.
Disconnectiong from the world entirely for long stretches of time
Disinterest in my normal activities.
Isn't this interesting? Today, I made a conscious decision that disconnecting was my only choice. I spend two hours reading, tanning, listening to music, swimming. Then I came upstairs and had a lovely cool shower using my lavendar scented scubz sugar scrub.
When I emerged from my cool shower, feeling so refreshed, I applied my Aveeno Cream Oil and made some lunch. I watched Keeping the faith and took a nap. I can honestly tell you that it was the best nap I have had in months. I felt rested but I will still sleep tonight. I have laid out my outfit for my nephews baptism tomorrow. My parents are picking me up on our way out to Forest Hills. I am looking forward to this. I will take pictures!
I am recovering from the week. I will not have this week twice in a row. I just won't. And I have already decided that if my boss needs 7 hours to understand what is happening, he is going to have to get it from someone else - I am not up for the discussion at this time. I can't make him less clueless and multiple hours of explanation just takes me away from what I need to do for the customer. I can't operate the way he does. I am too old to live on that kind of adrenaline all the time.
We, as human beings, spend too much time connected. Email, cell phones, pagers, blackberrys. It's too much. No one should be that connected all the time. It burns us out too fast. It's information overload. It forces us to live on adrenaline so frequently that the fight or flight syndrome can't work the way it is intended too because we live it day to day now.
I have worked very hard in my life to play as hard as I work and to make the time for both equal. I have learned that my sacrifice of my life for my job will not be rewarded. It will be taken for granted. That's quite a sacrifice if you think about it. Handing over your life to your employer? And not getting compensated for it? All that does is set an ugly precedent. And instead of appreciating your noble gesture of handing over your life all they do is expect it and take it for granted. And - it's not their fault either. In most cases, they didn't even ask for it!
I am the first person for doing your job and doing it well. Not to be trite, but seriously Be the best that you can be while you are at your job, but go home when you are supposed to, take your lunches when you should - and not at your desk while working. This enables you to recharge you batteries so that you can come back tomorrow and be the best again.
People who have lives outside of their careers are the ones who go far. The workaholics often get passed up for higher positions because the workaholic tendancy tends to mask other issues. Management classes tend to teach that people who work round the clock like that have one of two issues, either they are ineffective in the position that they hold meaning they are really not qualified to do the job or are not trained properly OR there is truly so much work that the headcount needs to be increased.
Once I realized that my tendancy towards being a workaholic masked my confidence in my ability to do my job, I relaxed and did the best work I could during my alotted work hours, took my lunch when I was supposed to and then went home and relaxed. I became more productive and better at what I do. My problem was fear and confidence.
I just won't go back to that again.
Why?
Because I did very little that I didn't want to do or choose to do.
I had my voice lesson which went well. We're talking about the possibility of another recital next year. This time I am picking the material. With recommendations of course, but I am not doing the killer program that I just did this year.
I'm looking to by a docking station for my ipod. One for the bedroom so I can hear my tunes while I take my bath at night. I have already blown out two sets of ear buds because they fell in the tub. I really don't want to keep spending money on those...
I came home, after by passing Weight watchers... Nothing personal, I should have gone, but I wanted to get home, get in my suit and sit by my pool and work on my tan. Which is exactly what I did. I read my book, listened to my JOni Mitchell CD and just generally disconnected from the world for 2 hours.
Which brings me to my next point. I have noticed how difficult it is for me to disconnect lately. I've started making a checklist of the shift I undergo depending on whether I am dealing with job related stress, emotional stress or worse - both. So far:
Job Related stress:
Weight Gain due to over eating
Unable to sleep at night - requires 2 different sleep meds to get 6 hours in.
Eczema breakouts despite meds
Unable to disconnect even for an hour
Snapping at the slightest provocation
Tears of frustration just hovering under the surface
Emotional Related Stress:
Weight Loss due to under eating
Excessive sleep - more than 8-9 hours a night
Tears of emotion at controlled intervals.
Disconnectiong from the world entirely for long stretches of time
Disinterest in my normal activities.
Isn't this interesting? Today, I made a conscious decision that disconnecting was my only choice. I spend two hours reading, tanning, listening to music, swimming. Then I came upstairs and had a lovely cool shower using my lavendar scented scubz sugar scrub.
When I emerged from my cool shower, feeling so refreshed, I applied my Aveeno Cream Oil and made some lunch. I watched Keeping the faith and took a nap. I can honestly tell you that it was the best nap I have had in months. I felt rested but I will still sleep tonight. I have laid out my outfit for my nephews baptism tomorrow. My parents are picking me up on our way out to Forest Hills. I am looking forward to this. I will take pictures!
I am recovering from the week. I will not have this week twice in a row. I just won't. And I have already decided that if my boss needs 7 hours to understand what is happening, he is going to have to get it from someone else - I am not up for the discussion at this time. I can't make him less clueless and multiple hours of explanation just takes me away from what I need to do for the customer. I can't operate the way he does. I am too old to live on that kind of adrenaline all the time.
We, as human beings, spend too much time connected. Email, cell phones, pagers, blackberrys. It's too much. No one should be that connected all the time. It burns us out too fast. It's information overload. It forces us to live on adrenaline so frequently that the fight or flight syndrome can't work the way it is intended too because we live it day to day now.
I have worked very hard in my life to play as hard as I work and to make the time for both equal. I have learned that my sacrifice of my life for my job will not be rewarded. It will be taken for granted. That's quite a sacrifice if you think about it. Handing over your life to your employer? And not getting compensated for it? All that does is set an ugly precedent. And instead of appreciating your noble gesture of handing over your life all they do is expect it and take it for granted. And - it's not their fault either. In most cases, they didn't even ask for it!
I am the first person for doing your job and doing it well. Not to be trite, but seriously Be the best that you can be while you are at your job, but go home when you are supposed to, take your lunches when you should - and not at your desk while working. This enables you to recharge you batteries so that you can come back tomorrow and be the best again.
People who have lives outside of their careers are the ones who go far. The workaholics often get passed up for higher positions because the workaholic tendancy tends to mask other issues. Management classes tend to teach that people who work round the clock like that have one of two issues, either they are ineffective in the position that they hold meaning they are really not qualified to do the job or are not trained properly OR there is truly so much work that the headcount needs to be increased.
Once I realized that my tendancy towards being a workaholic masked my confidence in my ability to do my job, I relaxed and did the best work I could during my alotted work hours, took my lunch when I was supposed to and then went home and relaxed. I became more productive and better at what I do. My problem was fear and confidence.
I just won't go back to that again.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Another day in hell ( the opposite of Another day in Paradise)
The week is over.
I can safely tell you that I have no idea where it went. Honestly.
days ran into each other, the line from one day to the next blending so specifically that I have no clue what day it was.
It was an odd feeling to know that I didn't actually LEAVE the house until Wednesday evening.
I had a slightly better day today, for two reasons. My old boss, the one I adore, stopped bashing me publicly all week and started helping me out. All is not forgiven yet, but much of it is.
The second reason is it's Friday. My housekeeper was here. I warned her up front that criticism will not be appreciated today. That didn't stop her, but it did make her understand when I snapped at her. She had the stupidity to criticize how I take care of my roses. THEY JUST GOT DELIVERED THIS AFTERNOON!!!!!!!!!! What the hell???? So when she was done, I asked her if there was anything else that I wasn't doing correctly that she needed to advise me on. She laughed and apologized and said that it was clearly not my week.
My groceries were delivered and my favorite ice cream was in there. I smiled and dreamed about that until I couldn't stand it anymore and ate it for dinner. Yum
I got a lot done today. IN fact I got a lot done this week. despite the fact that no one will give me the database that I need to true up my data against. I don't want to hear it when stuff is missing. seriously I don't.
I had to advise my PM to stop allowing the mudslinging on calls. Its not productive and it tears the fabric of the team apart.
Then I noticed the fruit flies. Loads and loads and loads of them.
I hate bugs. All bugs. well - not lady bugs. But generally all bugs.
Don't misunderstand - I'm not afraid of any of them I just hate them.
I spoke to the exterminating company that's on retainer for my condo. They don't treat for fruit flies. Why you may ask?
They have a lifespan of less than 4 hours. However they multiply like wildfire. So the trick is to not let them land for too long as that is supposedly when they mate. I find it hard to believe however I am not an expert on fruit flies.
In lieu of bug spray, I used oust. When I ran out of that ( not the best choiice by the way), I went to windex. it worked for the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding so why not?
Seriously it worked. They like to land on mirrors and glass so you can kill two birds with one stone. You can clean the glass and kill the bugs all at once!
I took an almost sadistic pleasure in killing them off. I figure as long as I force the numbers down, I figure the rest will die the slow death that I have been promised.
It's the end of the week. I really needed to spend time with my best friend and he needed to spend time with me. It was just not an option this week. Though we tried. Hard.
I have a technique that I use for weight watchers a lot. It's called Mental Rehearsal.
I use it for more than just weight loss though. I find that when I need to have conversations that are very important, I use that technique. When I need to do anything difficult, I use mental rehearsal. It helps me to guide the outcome in a way that is respectful and beneficial to all parties.
I was rehearsing a conversation that I was going to have with a family member regarding the situation with my best friend. really - truly - it's not their business. However, given the fact that it's taken some affects on me, a small explanation may be necessary. I haven't officially decided whether to do it or not. But one of the comments that came into my mind during the mental rehearsal was that we are fighting to stay in each other's lives.
Isn't that an interesting line. Fighting to stay in each other's lives. In effect fighting to stay together. When people have found their soul mates, its very hard to walk away. There is a connection and it doesn't go away. even when you walk away. It's true.
I know. Because I've done it. And I tried to do it a second time. And I havenn't been successful because there is wisdom that comes with age. Not just for me. He is fighting to keep me too. Flattering - hell yes. Realistic? don't know yet.
The minute that we get him a job and working full time again, his life will change.
And so will mine. I can roll with this punch too, but come on. You guys KNOW I hate change.
I am just afraid that this change will be the thing that changes US. Now yes, that can be for the good OR the bad. Because I tend to be unlucky in love, I tend to be a little pessismistic and don't think that the change will be for the good.
I am reminded of my mom. She wouldn't marry my step dad right away. She was afraid that marriage would change their relationship. They lived together for years. She finally married him and they are still married. And happy. she calls him her prince charming.
But such is my love for him that I need him to be happy. And he's not. It has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with his situation with his brother. I need him to be settled and happy. It's that important to me that this happen soon. And if it comes to pass that we fall apart, I will deal with the loss of color. And if he gets his act together and we change for the better, then the color will just explode further in my life and that will be wonderful.
And thus ends my last day in the week from hell. I wish I could have high hopes for next week, but alas, I do not. My leader comes back from vacation and he's going to make this whole exec escalation worse by talking me to death while I try to get work done. I am not planning to do another week like this.
It is officially the weekend and this time is my time.
MY TIME.
I can safely tell you that I have no idea where it went. Honestly.
days ran into each other, the line from one day to the next blending so specifically that I have no clue what day it was.
It was an odd feeling to know that I didn't actually LEAVE the house until Wednesday evening.
I had a slightly better day today, for two reasons. My old boss, the one I adore, stopped bashing me publicly all week and started helping me out. All is not forgiven yet, but much of it is.
The second reason is it's Friday. My housekeeper was here. I warned her up front that criticism will not be appreciated today. That didn't stop her, but it did make her understand when I snapped at her. She had the stupidity to criticize how I take care of my roses. THEY JUST GOT DELIVERED THIS AFTERNOON!!!!!!!!!! What the hell???? So when she was done, I asked her if there was anything else that I wasn't doing correctly that she needed to advise me on. She laughed and apologized and said that it was clearly not my week.
My groceries were delivered and my favorite ice cream was in there. I smiled and dreamed about that until I couldn't stand it anymore and ate it for dinner. Yum
I got a lot done today. IN fact I got a lot done this week. despite the fact that no one will give me the database that I need to true up my data against. I don't want to hear it when stuff is missing. seriously I don't.
I had to advise my PM to stop allowing the mudslinging on calls. Its not productive and it tears the fabric of the team apart.
Then I noticed the fruit flies. Loads and loads and loads of them.
I hate bugs. All bugs. well - not lady bugs. But generally all bugs.
Don't misunderstand - I'm not afraid of any of them I just hate them.
I spoke to the exterminating company that's on retainer for my condo. They don't treat for fruit flies. Why you may ask?
They have a lifespan of less than 4 hours. However they multiply like wildfire. So the trick is to not let them land for too long as that is supposedly when they mate. I find it hard to believe however I am not an expert on fruit flies.
In lieu of bug spray, I used oust. When I ran out of that ( not the best choiice by the way), I went to windex. it worked for the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding so why not?
Seriously it worked. They like to land on mirrors and glass so you can kill two birds with one stone. You can clean the glass and kill the bugs all at once!
I took an almost sadistic pleasure in killing them off. I figure as long as I force the numbers down, I figure the rest will die the slow death that I have been promised.
It's the end of the week. I really needed to spend time with my best friend and he needed to spend time with me. It was just not an option this week. Though we tried. Hard.
I have a technique that I use for weight watchers a lot. It's called Mental Rehearsal.
I use it for more than just weight loss though. I find that when I need to have conversations that are very important, I use that technique. When I need to do anything difficult, I use mental rehearsal. It helps me to guide the outcome in a way that is respectful and beneficial to all parties.
I was rehearsing a conversation that I was going to have with a family member regarding the situation with my best friend. really - truly - it's not their business. However, given the fact that it's taken some affects on me, a small explanation may be necessary. I haven't officially decided whether to do it or not. But one of the comments that came into my mind during the mental rehearsal was that we are fighting to stay in each other's lives.
Isn't that an interesting line. Fighting to stay in each other's lives. In effect fighting to stay together. When people have found their soul mates, its very hard to walk away. There is a connection and it doesn't go away. even when you walk away. It's true.
I know. Because I've done it. And I tried to do it a second time. And I havenn't been successful because there is wisdom that comes with age. Not just for me. He is fighting to keep me too. Flattering - hell yes. Realistic? don't know yet.
The minute that we get him a job and working full time again, his life will change.
And so will mine. I can roll with this punch too, but come on. You guys KNOW I hate change.
I am just afraid that this change will be the thing that changes US. Now yes, that can be for the good OR the bad. Because I tend to be unlucky in love, I tend to be a little pessismistic and don't think that the change will be for the good.
I am reminded of my mom. She wouldn't marry my step dad right away. She was afraid that marriage would change their relationship. They lived together for years. She finally married him and they are still married. And happy. she calls him her prince charming.
But such is my love for him that I need him to be happy. And he's not. It has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with his situation with his brother. I need him to be settled and happy. It's that important to me that this happen soon. And if it comes to pass that we fall apart, I will deal with the loss of color. And if he gets his act together and we change for the better, then the color will just explode further in my life and that will be wonderful.
And thus ends my last day in the week from hell. I wish I could have high hopes for next week, but alas, I do not. My leader comes back from vacation and he's going to make this whole exec escalation worse by talking me to death while I try to get work done. I am not planning to do another week like this.
It is officially the weekend and this time is my time.
MY TIME.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Her or Me
There are days
There are days when your life clouds over
And the world gets so dark
That all at once you can't tell night from day
I notice that this particular verse comes to my head a lot lately. Part of it's work in the past 4 days, but prior to that it was making it's way out of m y mental musical filing cabinet.
It really is true. There are just "days". The old joke is "I just shoulda stayed in bed"
There are times
When your heart cries this isn't happening
But the truth is cold and real
And I know this storm won't go away
given, well, everything - my heart cries that this isn't happening to me all the time. It also continually asks "What were you THINKING????" to God. I'm sure he has some plan or joke up his sleave. But seriously - NOT FUNNY. Because this storm inside my heart won't go away. I don't see how it can. It occured to me today, that both of us have dated others since we first were together 7 years ago. We know of each others interim relationships and yet we never met one anothers significant others. And we were still talking and socializing quite a bit. Huh. Strange as that's how it was when he was married too. He never strayed from his wife, BUT they never socialized together with our crew. I h eard a rumor that she didn't like us but I have to believe that wasn't meant for me, we've never met.
It's her or Me
Now there's no way to hide
She is not some fling
From long ago
It's her or me
Now I know why he
I think it was better when I didn't know
This is indicative of the whore. The thing about this tune is that the character who sings it? She does win. But it's not quite the same contest. And the other woman isn't a whore. Not really.
The other woman in my scenario may not be a whore in reality though as I have explained it makes me feel better to call her that, she is a gameplayer and I do not have any respect or patience for that. Playing with someone elses heart and emotions for your own sadistic reasons really makes me angry. I was angry at my best friend for unsuccessfully attempting that with me ( He has since stopped as it's not in his nature and was taking way too much toll on US) and I am angry at him for allowing her to do it to him. And of course the easy shot - I'm angry at her for doing it.
In her eyes, in her voice
In the heat that filled the air
Part of him still lingers there
I know what pain her life must be
But if it all comes down to her or me
I won't wait, I swear
I'll fight
But I'm not really angry at her. To be honest, what she does is her problem. If that's the extent that she needs to go to, she will never experience the wonderous closeness of sharing your soul with someone. I'm actually sorry for her. Because the person that she could be sharing her sould with has already been spoken for. His soul is with me. For better or for worse. Even if by some stupid twist of fate, they end up in some kind of twisted relationship, that part of him won't be with her.
It's her or me
And it's me he must choose
I don't hate this girl even so
It's her or me
It's a fight I won't lose
I can't live wondering where his heart is
Now I have to know
And I know that this true. When he needs to decompress or just be wiht someone in an environment that's safe, where he gets his love and support, he comes to me. He does not go to her. She is not capable of giving that.
I don't hate the whore - When I choose to allow myself to acknowledge her in my world, I feel sorry for her.
So I have to make one change in the last part of the verse.
It's her or me
And it's me he will choose
I don't hate this girl even so
It's her or me
It's a fight I can't lose
I needn't live wondering where his heart is
Now I already know
There are days when your life clouds over
And the world gets so dark
That all at once you can't tell night from day
I notice that this particular verse comes to my head a lot lately. Part of it's work in the past 4 days, but prior to that it was making it's way out of m y mental musical filing cabinet.
It really is true. There are just "days". The old joke is "I just shoulda stayed in bed"
There are times
When your heart cries this isn't happening
But the truth is cold and real
And I know this storm won't go away
given, well, everything - my heart cries that this isn't happening to me all the time. It also continually asks "What were you THINKING????" to God. I'm sure he has some plan or joke up his sleave. But seriously - NOT FUNNY. Because this storm inside my heart won't go away. I don't see how it can. It occured to me today, that both of us have dated others since we first were together 7 years ago. We know of each others interim relationships and yet we never met one anothers significant others. And we were still talking and socializing quite a bit. Huh. Strange as that's how it was when he was married too. He never strayed from his wife, BUT they never socialized together with our crew. I h eard a rumor that she didn't like us but I have to believe that wasn't meant for me, we've never met.
It's her or Me
Now there's no way to hide
She is not some fling
From long ago
It's her or me
Now I know why he
I think it was better when I didn't know
This is indicative of the whore. The thing about this tune is that the character who sings it? She does win. But it's not quite the same contest. And the other woman isn't a whore. Not really.
The other woman in my scenario may not be a whore in reality though as I have explained it makes me feel better to call her that, she is a gameplayer and I do not have any respect or patience for that. Playing with someone elses heart and emotions for your own sadistic reasons really makes me angry. I was angry at my best friend for unsuccessfully attempting that with me ( He has since stopped as it's not in his nature and was taking way too much toll on US) and I am angry at him for allowing her to do it to him. And of course the easy shot - I'm angry at her for doing it.
In her eyes, in her voice
In the heat that filled the air
Part of him still lingers there
I know what pain her life must be
But if it all comes down to her or me
I won't wait, I swear
I'll fight
But I'm not really angry at her. To be honest, what she does is her problem. If that's the extent that she needs to go to, she will never experience the wonderous closeness of sharing your soul with someone. I'm actually sorry for her. Because the person that she could be sharing her sould with has already been spoken for. His soul is with me. For better or for worse. Even if by some stupid twist of fate, they end up in some kind of twisted relationship, that part of him won't be with her.
It's her or me
And it's me he must choose
I don't hate this girl even so
It's her or me
It's a fight I won't lose
I can't live wondering where his heart is
Now I have to know
And I know that this true. When he needs to decompress or just be wiht someone in an environment that's safe, where he gets his love and support, he comes to me. He does not go to her. She is not capable of giving that.
I don't hate the whore - When I choose to allow myself to acknowledge her in my world, I feel sorry for her.
So I have to make one change in the last part of the verse.
It's her or me
And it's me he will choose
I don't hate this girl even so
It's her or me
It's a fight I can't lose
I needn't live wondering where his heart is
Now I already know
For a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.
Wise words once said:
"People come in and out of your life for a reason. Sometimes, a person will come into your life for a pre-determined period of time. In that time, your relationship with that person is meant to teach both of you some lesson. You are meant to glean knowledge from that person and give knowledge to that person. When that is fulfilled, the relationship may part ways."
This same person also said
"You can count yourself blessed if you have 5 true blue friends. People who would bail you out of jail in the middle of the night. "
these words in some version of what I have written were uttered to me over countless emails, Instant messages and phone conversations.
I recently reconnected with this friend. We have been slowly trying to reconnect all year. but I sent a note yesterday afternoon as I was dealing with the last person that she worked for and really identified with her need to move on with her life. I respect her more now than I did before and I didn't think that was possible!
She's a really great woman. Most of the women I choose to have in my life have similar qualities. She and I have the possibility of being twin souls. In fact, we had many friends and collegues who used to refer to us as "sisters". While we look nothing alike, we always have many similar ways of thinking and our view points are similar. It's truly a sympatico type of friendship.
My reconnection yesterday was like someone threw me a career lifeline. Someone who truly understood where I was coming from, without my having to painstakingly explain it. I needed that life belt desparately and that email from her, meant all the world.
There wasn't anything spectacular about it to be honest. Any other time, I would have been happy to get it, responded accordingly. The usual. But given my career and romantic issues in the past few months, her email targeted some really key things as she always knows how to hit it right on the head.
The fact that we have never met in person may come as odd to a few of you. But this friendship has withstood almost 10 years ( give or take that 1 year dry spell...lol) .
I have a number of friends that I can count on. All have different things that are strengths. But most of female friends share one major thing - we are independent phenomenal women. Regardless of the path that we choose or the path that is chosen for us.
To quote her again:
"I love how you keep faith and seek guidance when lost. God will ALWAYS put you back on the right path. Those who we've lost along the way will guard you as they are angels.
Keep your chin up sweetie. You are a beautiful soul, inside and out."
To my friend when she reads this - Thank you always !
"People come in and out of your life for a reason. Sometimes, a person will come into your life for a pre-determined period of time. In that time, your relationship with that person is meant to teach both of you some lesson. You are meant to glean knowledge from that person and give knowledge to that person. When that is fulfilled, the relationship may part ways."
This same person also said
"You can count yourself blessed if you have 5 true blue friends. People who would bail you out of jail in the middle of the night. "
these words in some version of what I have written were uttered to me over countless emails, Instant messages and phone conversations.
I recently reconnected with this friend. We have been slowly trying to reconnect all year. but I sent a note yesterday afternoon as I was dealing with the last person that she worked for and really identified with her need to move on with her life. I respect her more now than I did before and I didn't think that was possible!
She's a really great woman. Most of the women I choose to have in my life have similar qualities. She and I have the possibility of being twin souls. In fact, we had many friends and collegues who used to refer to us as "sisters". While we look nothing alike, we always have many similar ways of thinking and our view points are similar. It's truly a sympatico type of friendship.
My reconnection yesterday was like someone threw me a career lifeline. Someone who truly understood where I was coming from, without my having to painstakingly explain it. I needed that life belt desparately and that email from her, meant all the world.
There wasn't anything spectacular about it to be honest. Any other time, I would have been happy to get it, responded accordingly. The usual. But given my career and romantic issues in the past few months, her email targeted some really key things as she always knows how to hit it right on the head.
The fact that we have never met in person may come as odd to a few of you. But this friendship has withstood almost 10 years ( give or take that 1 year dry spell...lol) .
I have a number of friends that I can count on. All have different things that are strengths. But most of female friends share one major thing - we are independent phenomenal women. Regardless of the path that we choose or the path that is chosen for us.
To quote her again:
"I love how you keep faith and seek guidance when lost. God will ALWAYS put you back on the right path. Those who we've lost along the way will guard you as they are angels.
Keep your chin up sweetie. You are a beautiful soul, inside and out."
To my friend when she reads this - Thank you always !
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Burn Out
I just determined a new symptom of burn out for me.
This is really interesting.
When I am suffering from burnout and/ or work stress - I compulsively eat. I mean volume times ten.
Put me back into emotional stress regarding family or relationships? I lose weight from lack of appetite.
Isn't that bizarre? If I had noticed this before, I would be a LOT thinner now. I can't believe it took me this long to notice.
I am umder extreme - and I mean extreme - pressure right now. I have been back from my vacation for exactly 3 days. and in those three days I have worked about 15 hours per day. Without a break until today. I left the home office for the first time in three days at 6:30 PM. I was out for one hour and half. I came home and ate dinner - a lot incidentally - while I was working. And as I write this, I am still working.
This won't last for long as the executive esc has turned logical people into bumbling silly people. We can't grant each other the common courtesy of being able to speak on a conf call. Everyone is so eager to provide a solution that they ask questions repeatedly and don't wait for the answers, hence the repetition. Our PM is wonderful but this has spiraled out of control. I get screamed at on average 1 time per day by my director and multiple times per day from someone else's manager.
I finally burst into tears. Fortunately for me - in the privacy of my own home.
I know there is a lot of burnout here, on my part. I am combatting it as best I can, but I Can't NOT work at this juncture. There is entirely too much to do and not enough hands to do it.
I never thought I would say this, but the emotional stress of my relationship with my best friend is preferable.
At least it enables me to lose weight.
This is really interesting.
When I am suffering from burnout and/ or work stress - I compulsively eat. I mean volume times ten.
Put me back into emotional stress regarding family or relationships? I lose weight from lack of appetite.
Isn't that bizarre? If I had noticed this before, I would be a LOT thinner now. I can't believe it took me this long to notice.
I am umder extreme - and I mean extreme - pressure right now. I have been back from my vacation for exactly 3 days. and in those three days I have worked about 15 hours per day. Without a break until today. I left the home office for the first time in three days at 6:30 PM. I was out for one hour and half. I came home and ate dinner - a lot incidentally - while I was working. And as I write this, I am still working.
This won't last for long as the executive esc has turned logical people into bumbling silly people. We can't grant each other the common courtesy of being able to speak on a conf call. Everyone is so eager to provide a solution that they ask questions repeatedly and don't wait for the answers, hence the repetition. Our PM is wonderful but this has spiraled out of control. I get screamed at on average 1 time per day by my director and multiple times per day from someone else's manager.
I finally burst into tears. Fortunately for me - in the privacy of my own home.
I know there is a lot of burnout here, on my part. I am combatting it as best I can, but I Can't NOT work at this juncture. There is entirely too much to do and not enough hands to do it.
I never thought I would say this, but the emotional stress of my relationship with my best friend is preferable.
At least it enables me to lose weight.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
The plan - Month 6 & 7
Wow - I was so caught up in my own life that I truly thought I did my update for June and didn't!
To be honest - June was not a month I choose to want to remember.
To be honest - June was not a month I choose to want to remember.
Scenario 1 -
- HealthExercise: Exercize has been badly lacking. I have been swimming some, but not enough to really count. I have been eating well though and have hit the 20 L B milestone. My B/P continues to remain average to low, even in stressful times. Sleep has been so/so but that will right itself soon enough
- Scenario 2 - Job/Career- I'm starting to notice the effects of burnout. This happens from time to time with me. I took a week off to re-charge. I came back to an executive escalation ( for those of you who don't know - really NOT a good thing). The good news is my boss is on vacation. The bad news for him is he is sort of working. He called me today and reassured me that this has nothing to do with me and he was impressed with how I left things for my back up. Breathing better but still tense.
- Scenario 3 - My home - Really went to the dogs in the past 2 weeks. I started whipping it back into shape today actually. I need to do mountains of laundry and my housekeeper comes on Friday.
- Scenario 4 - finances - better. Much better. And you know what I found out, it's kind of true.... money can't buy happiness. It can buy fabulous shoes though.
- Scenario 5 - Education - Kids are studying. My piano kids finally got a piano. Very exciting for them. I got a new voice student which is wonderful. I am stsil taking lessons and have a full plate of music to learn now.
- Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - My family is amazing. My sister's baby is being baptized this weekend. We are so excited. My friends are wonderful. When I needed them most, even though I was unable to talk about what was going on, they still came through for me. My relationship with my best friend is an on going saga and I love him. Enough to marry him. But things aren't there at this time. So it's a long and strange road that we are on right now and I may change direction. It's a lot up in the air for now.
- Scenario 7 - Self esteem - I don't think it's all that high. But I have been told by my priest that it's higher than I think it is for the movement and steps to take care of myself that I have made. Regardless of where I am on this journey, I am making sure that I am taking care of me on the way. So I suppose my self esteem is actually improving. I have been taking better care of my body, I am sitting out in the sun for about an hour or two a day wth sunscreen of course. My eczema is clearing up by leaps and bounds because of it, eliminating the need for steroids. I have my sugar scrubz and take my sugar and salt baths each night. I read HP and it was amazing. I have started wearing makeup again.
my updates seem bland and boring even to me. But honestly - I feel good about them.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Pot Pourie
Part Un
I was unable to post for a couple of days out of fear.
Fear that my laptop was about to crash.
I came home and turned it on, and it kept re-booting.
I finally gave up, shut it down and called the help desk to open a ticket.
Then it suddenly flashed on and said "Memory size modified" and lo an behold my laptop sprung to life.
Still worried about the data, I shut it down till This morning when I could speak to a technician.
I am 15 days away from warranty expiration which ironically is bad. If it had expired, I would have a brand new laptop. But alas, It it so I am getting a refurbished system board, ac adapted and battery. Woo f'n hoo.
I worked through the day on a laptop that was so slow you could hand write what I was doing faster. I was unable to open too many programs or it would crash.
Part Deux
It was while trying to work on my slower than molasses laptop, that I was asked to join a quick conf bridge with my PM on my project.
I was unable to post for a couple of days out of fear.
Fear that my laptop was about to crash.
I came home and turned it on, and it kept re-booting.
I finally gave up, shut it down and called the help desk to open a ticket.
Then it suddenly flashed on and said "Memory size modified" and lo an behold my laptop sprung to life.
Still worried about the data, I shut it down till This morning when I could speak to a technician.
I am 15 days away from warranty expiration which ironically is bad. If it had expired, I would have a brand new laptop. But alas, It it so I am getting a refurbished system board, ac adapted and battery. Woo f'n hoo.
I worked through the day on a laptop that was so slow you could hand write what I was doing faster. I was unable to open too many programs or it would crash.
Part Deux
It was while trying to work on my slower than molasses laptop, that I was asked to join a quick conf bridge with my PM on my project.
*** Please note that I have been on vacation for the past week ***
I join and we go through the same old litany of "how many orders... what is a Satellite.... are we done putting new orders in..... " Really after 6 months you'd think they could come up with some questions.
The next thing I know, we have directors joining the call. Evidently the customer esc to our VP. I'm not really one to point fingers but the majority of the issues we have been trying to overcome are the customers. We are literally killing ourselves and all I heard was my director telling me that I didn't push hard enough.
Now. I was - am, very disturbbed by that statement. They want me to be empowered to get the job done, but then they take my escalation chain away. My boss has known of these issues for months and I am being blamed for not calling someone I didn't even know was associated with this project?
Not crazy about this one. But given that the director and I are friendly I may choose to have a side conversation with him on this.
Part Trois
Or I may start looking for a new gig. I am seriously tired. Drained and tired. I suspect some burnout. I'm going to wait it out a bit and see if I bounce back. This may have just been a bad day.
Part Quatre
The two days with no laptop were peaceful. More so than I had expected. Very relaxing.
Part Cinq
I suspect the burnout is two fold - part from personal issues and part from work related issues. It feels like there is no safe haven for me right now. I was able to use work to get away from personal and personal to get away from work, but now I don't want EITHER an I want BOTH.
So it's a little bit frustrating.
Part Six
I hit 20 lbs officially this morning. I was thrilled. Considering I spent yesterday sleeping and on the couch reading my HP book.
Part Sept
My houuse is a flipping disaster. I have to pick it up, do laundry, run the dishwasher - all those things.
Part Huit
My personal definition of depression:
- When my house is let go within an inch of its life
- I eat way too much or way too little
- I don't feel like going out
- I work way too much
- I cancel appts or meetings with friends
- I stop caring about my bills
Good news here is I am really only dealing with 1 and the potential for 4 exists but I am fighting it. So no, not depressed and my counseling sessions are also in accordance with that. But it was brief concern for me.
What they have shown however is that I am in a situation that can be very frustrating as well as being fulfilling. I am also in circumstances that require a lot of personal strength, something I am not very good at. I am the woman who will re-create herself for a man. To be the perfect person for the relationship I am in. And I have done that, albeit unsuccesfully, once with the same person. But now, no. In the immortal words of Popeye:
I yam who I yam
And it's paying off. Better than I thought.
So Finit.
Je suis Fatigue.
I am going to sleep now.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Decompression
I saw Harry Potter on Wednesday Night with my Voice Twin.
So, I won't ruin for those of you who haven't seen it.
About 2 hours into the film, the battery on my cellphone which was on vibrate went on low and it started to beep.
Thse days, in light of everything going on, I don't turn it off, I turn it down.
Being polite to the other movie-goers. I did turn it off though.
After the movie was over, We were walking to the cars and discussing the movie. I looked at moon. As I was doing so, I was turning my phone on and hearing the voicemail chirp.
I KNEW somehing was not as it should be. I knew when I looked at the moon, I had a tug at my subconscious and the pit of my stomach was feeling really hollow.... although I might have been hungry....
As we were saying goodnight, I turned to walk to the car and nearly walked into a sapling. You see? I'm already distracted I KNOW who the voice mail is from.
I check my voicemail after I get in the car, and I was right. it was my best friend.
I called him back and he tells me he is leaving there at 10 and is it OK if he comes over.
I told him it was fine. I came home, picked up a bit and prepped a drink for him.
He walked in a little after 10:30 annd wraps his arms aroung me in a bear hug that lasted a few minutes. He says into my hair, "Thanks for letting me come by so late"
I hand him his drink and we settle on opposte sides of the couch. Room for at least one other body between us. We put on Boogie Nights as I haven't seen it, and he says
" I need to be in a safe place to decompress a bit, is that OK?"
" Of Course it's fine. I"m on vacation this week, so it's not like I have anything to get up for in the morning." I say
" Oh that's right, I forgot! "
So we watch the movie, talking through it as we are prone to do. We discuss some very personal choices in our past, things like cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, that kind of thing. We talk about some our past loves. General things.
He is spending an awful lot of time finding excuses to touch me. He finally reaches over and takes my hand. We sit like that for awhile. Very comfortable.
By the end of the movie we are lying together on the couch. Just holding each other while we watch the next movie.
It wasn't sexual. It could have easily gone that route, but he was exhausted. And he just needed to hold someone and be held. Someone that he loves and trusts.
At 3AM, I got up to go to bed. I offered him to come in with me and he said he would be in shortly. At 4:30, I woke up, and found him out cold on the couch. I covered him up with a blanket and went back to bed.
I awoke aroung 6, he was still sleeping. I went back to bed. I woke at 7:45 and he had gotten up and left.
Please remember a few months ago when I mentioned that I can only look good next to the whore.
I also want you to think about this. I did, long and hard.
When you are in a situation like this, dying parent, spouse, sibling, grand parent etc, and you are directly involved with being a caretaker, you have a tendancy to rely on the person you love most in the world to be your entire support system.
So the question is:
Why come to me and not go to the whore?
Ah - you see?
I KNOW the answer.
So does he.
And so do you.
So, I won't ruin for those of you who haven't seen it.
About 2 hours into the film, the battery on my cellphone which was on vibrate went on low and it started to beep.
Thse days, in light of everything going on, I don't turn it off, I turn it down.
Being polite to the other movie-goers. I did turn it off though.
After the movie was over, We were walking to the cars and discussing the movie. I looked at moon. As I was doing so, I was turning my phone on and hearing the voicemail chirp.
I KNEW somehing was not as it should be. I knew when I looked at the moon, I had a tug at my subconscious and the pit of my stomach was feeling really hollow.... although I might have been hungry....
As we were saying goodnight, I turned to walk to the car and nearly walked into a sapling. You see? I'm already distracted I KNOW who the voice mail is from.
I check my voicemail after I get in the car, and I was right. it was my best friend.
I called him back and he tells me he is leaving there at 10 and is it OK if he comes over.
I told him it was fine. I came home, picked up a bit and prepped a drink for him.
He walked in a little after 10:30 annd wraps his arms aroung me in a bear hug that lasted a few minutes. He says into my hair, "Thanks for letting me come by so late"
I hand him his drink and we settle on opposte sides of the couch. Room for at least one other body between us. We put on Boogie Nights as I haven't seen it, and he says
" I need to be in a safe place to decompress a bit, is that OK?"
" Of Course it's fine. I"m on vacation this week, so it's not like I have anything to get up for in the morning." I say
" Oh that's right, I forgot! "
So we watch the movie, talking through it as we are prone to do. We discuss some very personal choices in our past, things like cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, that kind of thing. We talk about some our past loves. General things.
He is spending an awful lot of time finding excuses to touch me. He finally reaches over and takes my hand. We sit like that for awhile. Very comfortable.
By the end of the movie we are lying together on the couch. Just holding each other while we watch the next movie.
It wasn't sexual. It could have easily gone that route, but he was exhausted. And he just needed to hold someone and be held. Someone that he loves and trusts.
At 3AM, I got up to go to bed. I offered him to come in with me and he said he would be in shortly. At 4:30, I woke up, and found him out cold on the couch. I covered him up with a blanket and went back to bed.
I awoke aroung 6, he was still sleeping. I went back to bed. I woke at 7:45 and he had gotten up and left.
Please remember a few months ago when I mentioned that I can only look good next to the whore.
I also want you to think about this. I did, long and hard.
When you are in a situation like this, dying parent, spouse, sibling, grand parent etc, and you are directly involved with being a caretaker, you have a tendancy to rely on the person you love most in the world to be your entire support system.
So the question is:
Why come to me and not go to the whore?
Ah - you see?
I KNOW the answer.
So does he.
And so do you.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The Amusement Park
I love Amusement Parks.
I adore Roller Coasters. I am getting smarter about them though. I can't deal with them when they are too fast.
This started when the Great American Scream Machine first came out at Six Flags Great Adventure in NJ. I forgot what the year was.
I went on this ride without giving it a thought. When I got off, I threw up.
This is a big deal for me. First, because I LOVE Roller coasters and Second, Unless I have some hideous stomach virus, I rarely if ever throw up.
I couldn't figure out what went wrong. So I got back on line. This time I timed the roller coaster for the length of track.
Ah ha.
The damn thing was traveling too fast.
Fast forward to the Batman and Robin Ride at the same park. This one is a red car and a blue car that intertwine. They were running at less than a minute around the track including a backwards run.
I gave it try.
I didn't throw up, but there were a few dicey moments.
Lesson learned: Time the roller coaster vs the length of track and use those two rides as the benchmark ( both are still there in case you are curious).
This is kind of how my life has been until this month. A roller coaster that while I love it, makes me ill when the ride is over. The speed of change, the peaks and valleys. All of it.
This is how my emotions have been operating.
I LOVE Merry-go-rounds.
Growing up we had a local mini amusement park called Nunleys Carousel. It started out as just the carousel and a mini park sprung up around it. In fact my Uncle got married there with my dad and my brother and I, his 3 stepkids and 2 boys in attendance. This was their reception.
They Closed Nunley's when I was in college. But that didn't stop me from traveling to Syracuse to visit my room-mate and going on the Carousel at the new mall they built there. I have some of the best pictures of Maplemama, Jax and I on a Merry-go-round framed in my living room from one of visits. It was a really good time.
I had a favorite horse. It was black and it had Roses on it's bridle. I ALWAYS got that horse. I can still picture it. I had wanted to buy it at auction, but sadly I was a poor college student and was unable to even bid as the reserve was high. I heard recently that the entire thing was sold to one of the malls here... so perhaps I will ride the wild stallion with roses again some day.
What I love about the Merry-go-round is the fact that it is predictable. the horse goes up and down while the ride goes in a circle. If you are coordinated, you can stand up on the horse, walk around the merry-go-round while it's moving. It's restful, It reminds me of days gone by, when this was the ONLY ride ( before my lifetime for certain and my parents too). I picture women in big hats with parasols, riding side saddle trying to get the brass ring for the free ride. I love the music that's played. I can even hear it in my head now as I write this.
This is where my life is now.
I have removed myself from the nauseating roller coaster and put myself on the more soothing Carousel.
The question is - how long do I stay on it? Even for those who love this ride, eventually it gets boring and you want to get off.
So far that hasn't happened. I'm comforted at the fact that I am not dealing with the peaks and valleys and the rapid speed of change.
For now.
Words that drive my best friend crazy. I am fine with this situation for now. At some point that will change. To what I don't know.
My path is unclear. My priest had no ready answers. He expressed how proud of me he is. After one hour with him, he asked if it was OK if he offered up a prayer for me, my best friend and his dying brother. Half way through it he asked for help for me to see the path that I am on and what the lesson is and where it should go. I got choked up and at the end I looked at him and said that this was my problem. I can't see it for the life of me. He looked at me for a minute, and I had to jump in and say that I knew he had no answers or I would have high-tailed it down there months ago.
I don't know what the lesson supposed to be. I have no idea where or what my path is supposed to be.
Until I do, I'll coast on my favorite horse with the roses for awhile.
I adore Roller Coasters. I am getting smarter about them though. I can't deal with them when they are too fast.
This started when the Great American Scream Machine first came out at Six Flags Great Adventure in NJ. I forgot what the year was.
I went on this ride without giving it a thought. When I got off, I threw up.
This is a big deal for me. First, because I LOVE Roller coasters and Second, Unless I have some hideous stomach virus, I rarely if ever throw up.
I couldn't figure out what went wrong. So I got back on line. This time I timed the roller coaster for the length of track.
Ah ha.
The damn thing was traveling too fast.
Fast forward to the Batman and Robin Ride at the same park. This one is a red car and a blue car that intertwine. They were running at less than a minute around the track including a backwards run.
I gave it try.
I didn't throw up, but there were a few dicey moments.
Lesson learned: Time the roller coaster vs the length of track and use those two rides as the benchmark ( both are still there in case you are curious).
This is kind of how my life has been until this month. A roller coaster that while I love it, makes me ill when the ride is over. The speed of change, the peaks and valleys. All of it.
This is how my emotions have been operating.
I LOVE Merry-go-rounds.
Growing up we had a local mini amusement park called Nunleys Carousel. It started out as just the carousel and a mini park sprung up around it. In fact my Uncle got married there with my dad and my brother and I, his 3 stepkids and 2 boys in attendance. This was their reception.
They Closed Nunley's when I was in college. But that didn't stop me from traveling to Syracuse to visit my room-mate and going on the Carousel at the new mall they built there. I have some of the best pictures of Maplemama, Jax and I on a Merry-go-round framed in my living room from one of visits. It was a really good time.
I had a favorite horse. It was black and it had Roses on it's bridle. I ALWAYS got that horse. I can still picture it. I had wanted to buy it at auction, but sadly I was a poor college student and was unable to even bid as the reserve was high. I heard recently that the entire thing was sold to one of the malls here... so perhaps I will ride the wild stallion with roses again some day.
What I love about the Merry-go-round is the fact that it is predictable. the horse goes up and down while the ride goes in a circle. If you are coordinated, you can stand up on the horse, walk around the merry-go-round while it's moving. It's restful, It reminds me of days gone by, when this was the ONLY ride ( before my lifetime for certain and my parents too). I picture women in big hats with parasols, riding side saddle trying to get the brass ring for the free ride. I love the music that's played. I can even hear it in my head now as I write this.
This is where my life is now.
I have removed myself from the nauseating roller coaster and put myself on the more soothing Carousel.
The question is - how long do I stay on it? Even for those who love this ride, eventually it gets boring and you want to get off.
So far that hasn't happened. I'm comforted at the fact that I am not dealing with the peaks and valleys and the rapid speed of change.
For now.
Words that drive my best friend crazy. I am fine with this situation for now. At some point that will change. To what I don't know.
My path is unclear. My priest had no ready answers. He expressed how proud of me he is. After one hour with him, he asked if it was OK if he offered up a prayer for me, my best friend and his dying brother. Half way through it he asked for help for me to see the path that I am on and what the lesson is and where it should go. I got choked up and at the end I looked at him and said that this was my problem. I can't see it for the life of me. He looked at me for a minute, and I had to jump in and say that I knew he had no answers or I would have high-tailed it down there months ago.
I don't know what the lesson supposed to be. I have no idea where or what my path is supposed to be.
Until I do, I'll coast on my favorite horse with the roses for awhile.