Fear - revisited

My dear friend's mom passed away 2 weeks ago.

I woke up in the morning, it was a Friday I remember. I had a bunch of silly facebook things from her between 6-8 AM which is when her son is having his breakfast.

Then I saw her status at 9.

" I am devastated. My mom just passed away".

And I fell apart.

I have never met her mom in person though we have spoken on the phone numerous times over the years.

Her mom was diagnosed a few months ago with Cancer of the throat. It had transferred to the brain though that didn't appear malignant.

What they didn't know, was that it also spread to the the lungs. THe Squamesh Cell Carcinoma had spread to her lungs. Ultimately killing her, though the death vertificate reads Cardiac Arrest.

In trying to help my friend sort through this via email I started to realise that I was sobbing. And So happy that Jon was in the next room.

How could I even tell him that her mom passed away from the very cancer that he has? THe one they said was not terminal? I realise that each situation is very specific and individual, but this puts a definite twist on things - don't you think?

He walks in a few minutes later and I was composed and continuing to write my response to her. I told him that i had heard from her and what she was busy doing and the memorial plans and he commented that it would be truly ideal if we had the money to fly down for it, but we don't so that's out. She knew that. She was OK with that and really didn't expect it.

I let it go at that. He had enough trouble her mom passing as it was. I really can't, in good conscience, tell him that she passed due to a freak spread ( really fast too) of this cancer. His mind - he will go straight to "If it spread that quickyl with her, what's to prevent it from happening to me like that". I don't want him living life scared. At all. ever.

This brought a lot into perspective. I have been holding on to him so tightly that he is itching to break free a bit. It's out of fear that something will happen to him again the minute I am out of sight. The price I am paying for this is too high though. It nearly cost me my best friend in the world. I won't do that. I won't sacrifice that relationship for this one - and he isn't asking me too.

This issue has been brought into a really specific relief right now. HE doesn't know all of it, but he knows I am upset about the whole thing. He decided that we were going to a play in the city together. We are going to get a crowd together and pack the place. It's a great idea. I love it.

I am erring on the side of life. THe secret will eat at me for awhile but it has to be mine.

At least for now.

Can I use a lifeline?

That show drove my crazy. To be honest I'm not a Regis fan.

But I was grasping at anything that resembled a life line today.

Sometimes I'm smart about it and othes not so much.

I'm dealing with a problem that I don't know how to fix.

Actually that's not accurate. I KNOW a conversation has to take place, however, being the GOOD study that I am, I really already know how that's going to go.

So I looked at WHY I feel the way I do and had a HELL of a time trying to pinpoint my exact issues.

Then I tried to find another method for solving it. I still don't have one but I did call for lifelines:

1. I first tapped into my inner poet - laugh all you want - it's actually not bad for me. I'm NOT a poet. Some us drink because we aren't poets ( hint: a Dudley moore quote from a movie). THe poem came out pretty good though.

2. I then emailed my priest and asked for a time to go sit and talk to him. We haven't in a while so we're overdue. I could bring beer.... wait it's in the morning.... no beer - wine maybe....

3. I emailed my psychic to ask if it was too soon for another reading - I think it is and this issue is circumstantial but worth asking.

4. I went to the pilates class I planned to go to and felt better after,

5. I read an article from a life coach. She basically gave the ten commandments of marriage and intimacy and I swear if I rememebered where her site was I would tell you her name AND the website.

6. She gave a neat idea on how to re-establish intimacy and that connection between two people - I loved it and tried it and I am already seeing benefits.

7. we had a short discussion this evening - very short - where he actually chastised me for not fighting fair and bringing up the past. I laughed out loud at this. I am the child of a Marriage Encounter couple.... I know ALL ABOUT fighting fair. I just didn't in that moment. Very unusual and he even said so.

THough I feel better and have stopped anything resembling tears, I am keeping my appointment tomorrow morning. Why? Because I do need to talk it out. I have some things to sort out and need some help with that.

I didn't eat today which is never a good sign - I did have dinner because he deliberately waited for me to come home so he could eat with me.

So I'm using my lifelines....

Fate and life choices

As you all know I don't believe in soul mates. I do believe that there can be "perfect" matches but they can change over time.

I am not the same person I was at 21. If I had married the man that I loved in my early 20's I would be miserable, divorced and probably a mother.

I'm lucky enough to still call that man by the title "friend". But husband? uh - thanks - no.

What I discovered in looking back at the men in my life from the very first one to the most recent is that they all had something special in common. Two things actually.

One: They were either musicians OR had a deep love of music.
Two: There was a sensitive side to them.

Growth is possible between two people. If you are lucky, you grow together through love, respect and.... communication.

We had a week of highs and lows. Actually that describes my life with him perfectly. Now, normally, I would tell you that I would choose a man who would give me safety and securtiy. And um. well. Boredom.

I am NEVER bored with Jon. Never.

After a very eventful week, we had a scheduled game night tonight. We love board games and played them while he was in the hospital daily.

Tonight was a scheduled pot luck sit down dinner with 3 couples and then two board games over dessert.

Last night I came home from teaching and he announces that the audition for the play in the city that he was asked to read for was moved up to, that's right, TONIGHT.

5-8.

Dinner was scheduled at 6:30.

He cooked the entree in the morning and got on the train while I was out east getting groomed. He went to his brothers and then to the city. They got him in and out in an hour. We ended up 30 minutes late to dinner - and since we were bringing it and the hostess was running behind it worked out well.

This was a great night. We were on opposite teams. And yet we were still a team. It was quite funny but we were acting like an actual couple - possibly for the first time in front of our friends like that. It was nice and it was odd.

Up till now, while we were a couple, we were still sort of a secret couple.

Slowly but surely that is changing. I got a healthy dose of a lot good stuff today. He bragged about me right in front of our friends which I loved and was surprised by. The whore wasn't mentioned at all in any capactiy. He and I played off each other like the pro's that we are. It was obvious to everyone.

He also told everyone at the table about my different laughs. It was incredibly touching.

I know you are all reading this and scratching your head thinking "What's the big frickin deal? So what"

And if I were you - I know that's what I would be saying.

The fact is - we have been working hard to become a unit - a single unit - not two people in two worlds acting as one once in awhile.

I have a secret to tell you too.

I knew 9 years ago, after his divorce - that he was the only man for me. I love that but I hate it.

I knew that no matter who I dated, he would be the man by which all others would be measured. And while at times that bothers me, most of the time I am content in that knowledge.

So game night was a success in a lot of ways. The boys won Trivial pursuit though we gave them a good run for their money. We won Pictionary. By a hair. But we still won.

The fact is that I know how I feel about him and he knows how he feels about me. I dont' fight it I gave that up a long time ago. He does occasionally still fight it, because he's accustomed to a certain lifestyle and hasn't made 100% peace with the choice that HE wanted to make. He told me the other day that moving in was the best choice he made in a long time.

We are actively working on making this house "OURS". Since we decided in this uncertain economy that moving not a choice for the time being, we are making what we have work better for both of us.

As for his illness, we had a scare this week with some sudden and rapid swelling in the lymph node ( in about 30 minutes ) and we took a trip to the ER and there was nothing they could do because I had him ice it before we left the house and by the time we got there, it was gone. It happened again the next day and we identified it as being related to the hole in his tonsils. Food gets in and voila! Instant swelling.

To add a sad note, a dear friend of mine had her mom pass from the same type of cancer on Friday. While that scared Jon terribly as it did me, our hearts and condolences are with her and her family right now. We love her mom and will miss her terribly. The family is in her thoughts at this time.

To wrap this up, fate is a funny thing. Whether you believe in fate, soul mates or whatever isn't even important. I make my life choices by my gutt a lot of the time. I made the choice about Jon 9 years ago. It just wasn't "our time" yet. I'm not even sure it's our time now. But I think we are a lot closer to that than we ever were.

So whether this is fate or a life choice - or both - I am not sorry.

And I am NOT bored.

The freudian slip

Most people I am close to are equating my relationsjip with Jon to a marriage.

DEAR LORD I HOPE THIS IS NOT WHAT MARRIAGE IS.

Well I hope this is not ALL that marriage is.

Truthfully speaking, until there's an actualy wedding I don't feel like we're married.

Of course - I have NO frame of reference to this. So I can only tell you this based on what I have witnessed and heard about.

So it when my best friend made the comment that we were married - I laughed it off. When My mom, who lived for years with my step dad before they got married, commented that I was married- I paused but laughed it off.

Third time is the charm right?

I was at my pilates class at his congregation ( UU Congregation) and I was the only non member there. All of them including the instructor were married to Jewish men. They were all cracking the joke that they were jewish by injection. All of sudden it got quiet and they looked at me. I looked up from my mat and noticed the stares.... uh oh what did I miss? Did I pay the wrong amount? crap.

"Are you Jewish? are you married to one? " they asked me.

"No - I'm married to a Born and raised UU." I replied.

Crap. I can't believe that came out of my mouth. So readily off the cuff too.... yeesh how to back pedal from this....,

"Well - we aren't married - but there are days when it FEELS like we are...."

Whew - that generated some laughing and some " I HEAR THAT" kind of commentary.

I was happy when the instructor finally got down to business.

In light of a lot of things that happen politically lately I think that everyone should have the right to kind of relationship that is right for them - with whomever they want to be with. It should be allowed to be legal. There is no good reason why it shouldn't. We are a non religious country therefor that should not be the defining factor.

I love this man and he loves me. We live together and may never go through a wedding. But this is a marriage. It's a marriage of souls.

And that's what's important.

Project Managing my household.

OK I'll just say it.

Sometimes the communications skils or lack there of in my home are just annoying. Plain and simple.

For both of us. I'm NO prize.

So Friday - after de-gluing his ass from the couch - he went and worked out at my Best Friends' house.

When he came home he took both my hands in his and said "Jenna is really worried about the condition of our home. She kindly offered to help us clean up and organize"

My head internally combusted.

Why is this conversation taking place with my best friend and not with me?

I do some emails with her and a phone conversation and come to discover that he was using her as an intermediary to approach the topic.

That actually angers me more.

The fact is I have been doing literally everything in the house for, well, ever. He has been sitting on the couch playing with Yahoo Answers for 3 weeks licking his wounds. And I don't even know what the wounds were at the time....

Well I now know what the wounds are and this is legit. However. I'm not yet over the whole bringing my best friend into this.

So I bite the bullet and tell him that Jenna can't help us til January and I don't want to wait that long so lets come up with a plan.

He looked at me, blinked and admitted that he has a lot of worries. I told him that financial worries, while substantial and not to be ignored, can be dealt with as long as you have a plan. He's notorious for no plan, so this is huge.

First thing I did was take the first financial priority and address it. We needed to fill out some forms to do a change of address on his reg and DL. That way we can get him a parking permit for the building and stop the bleeding. Next we have to take care of the parking tickets ( we have the meter maid from hell here and the abolutely MOST ridiculous parking rules).

Then I told him we need to start by getting his dining table out of storage and I will buy the chairs we want.

As for organizing - I gave him his choice. He opted for the kitchen and we arranged to start on Sunday.

That done - we happily skipped through the weekend. Did I mention that my brother's wife gave birth to a baby boy? First kid for this sibling. Additionally, his first name is the same as the whore's youngest - not my fav. The middle name is after my brother and my dad. Which is lovely. He looks like my brother. I got to hold him - he's so tiny. So good.

We get to Sunday. He goes to services, I go to teach. I come home and immediately set about the emptying of the cabinets. 2 hours later - he strolls through the door with his guitar in his hand, all happy, and says - Oh I was kind of planning to blow this off today and I thought you were too.....

WRONG.

If you do something so ridiculous as to bring a third person into the equation - don't you EVER think I'm going to "blow it off." For that matter, if you go so far as to make a plan with me - you had better pony up because this is, by the way, WHAT I DO FOR A FREAKING LIVING.

He is downright shocked.

So he gets to work.

THe entire time that we are working, I am getting frustrated. Why? Because he is setting up the kitchen to suit HIM. I am not factored into the equation.

For reference, so you understand, I am 5' 2" tall and he is 6'. So I will concede on some things but not on everything. Don't tell me, for example, that we are going to put the toaster oven that we use EVERY SINGLE day on the top of the cabinets and just take it down and put it back.

That's stupid.

We use it - EVERY DAY. that should be lower to the ground.

I am willing to utilize the space differently and hell I will make all of it seem like his idea, but can't you at least try and make a couple of concessions for the fact that I cook and bake too and that I'm SHORT????

He finally stopped, looked at me and said - "You haven't eaten today have you?" Negatory good buddy!

So we took an extended break, ate, and then I took a bath and detoxed a bit and finally put the items on the counter away temporarily.

He will take it from here.


We discussed paint choices for the house, we discussed how to get the furniture and when. We talked about the fact that in this economy, buying a new home is not really optional right now. We'll see what happens. but I'm not planning it right now.

We are communicating better. I think we are both working a bit harder at this.

Man - marriage - real or common law - is hard damn work.

worth it in the end though.

playing hooky

I have never actually played hooky in my life.

I have never once called in sick and gone to the beach.

I have never skipped a class without a good reason ( coffee and euchre anyone?)

Today, I woke up at 6 with a raging headache, bodyaches and scratchy throat the urge to sleep like the dead. So I called in sick.

Jon woke me at 11. We both looked freaked - him because he had fallen asleep on the couch and forgot to wake me and me because I didn't wake him then to tell him I was calling in.

Surprise Surprise.

I was impressed to find that I was feeling completely better - I took 2 aleve just to make sure that these faded away and went back to bed for an hour.

When I emerged, Jon suggested that I go to the beach. What a great idea. It didn't happen - but it was a great idea.

I ended up going to my best friend's home and having lunch with her. We played air hockey on the new table they got for the boys.

I had a lovely time and we got to talking about some things happening in my home lately - good things. Like the discussion of how marriage takes hard work that the three of us had and him using Us as the example. THe other thing is his issues with his mom that persist from our eventful spell in the hospital.

This one is kind of hard for me. Once I discovered that she was not my number one fan, I have realized that I am not so quick to defend her. What really cinched it for me is that he has a warped sense of reality and hers - is worse.

For some reason she labors under the illusion that she rushed to his bedside and was there constantly.

OK here's the reality check - because I was there - every day and every time that I was allowed to be.

She did rush to him though she was hour and half away - so it took 2 more hours to get back once I called. It wouldn't have mattered anyway had she gotten there sooner - we would have been standing in the hallway together waiting for him to be moved. She was there that day,and once a day for the 2 days he was in ICU and once while he was in CCU. That's 3 times by my count.

Once he was in a regular room, she came the day after his suicide commentary, and one other time before he was moved in the psych unit. That's 5 so far - stay with me.

They moved into the psych unit. I saw him there 2 times and hten they moved him again. She hadn't gotten there yet.

In the all male psych unit they moved him to, she was there one time. And that was it until he came home.

6 times in 20 days.

I don't expect her to be there every minute of every day that he was there as I was. I kept her in the loop for every single thing that went on and she did the same with me.

He is angry at her for very specific and personal reasons. He's been harboring it for quite sometime. I have long since dropped it as a topic because he isn't prepared to deal with her.

So I was in some state of surprise when he mentioned to me that he was still angry about the lack of concern and lack of response she displayed at the hospital - "I got a social worker not a mom" is how he puts it. (She's a social worker so it's not a stretch).

I told him that mom's love their children - all of them - but sometimes they just aren't capable of doing the things that YOU need them to do, sometimes though they may love you to the best of their ability, it may not be enough but it is all that they are capable of. She is only human. She did the best she could.

The fact is, she did try and social work him, She took his personal choices for his care out of the equation. She put his brother first even at the lowest point. When he came out of the sedative and was talking depression and suicide, the only person he wanted was his mom. Not me, not anyone - just her. I called and called and called - and she didn't come till the next day. She didn't feel that her presence would do anything for him.

I disagreed then and I disagree now. I did everything I could for him, and don't get me wrong, he is very thankful and happy that I was there and took care of him. I am not offended at all that he wanted his mom instead of me - I don't blame him one bit.

This has weighed on us for 2 months now. He's starting to talk about both with me - calmly and with her - not so much. She has resorted to threats which concerns me. He is not talking to her on the phone right now and he's not responding to her emails.

So I brought this tot he kitchen table because my best friend understands this kind of strife as she has some similar things happening in her own family.

It felt good to talk it out like that and it gave me energy to write it here.

The rest of the day I spent food shopping, cooking and cleaning - and it felt good. I made a bacon mushroom savory pie for dinner - he ate half of it. We had Pinot Noir and chocolate ice cream for dessert.

We are planning some fun things to do now. We are also scheduling his surgery soon.

Playing half a day of hooky was really worth while. I should have done this sooner. It's like a surprise gift.

I would not make this a habit - but boy it felt good today.

Bonus: another half lb down. :-)))))

Massive Upheaval

You know,when you fall in love with someone, your life changes.

Sometimes for good and sometimes for bad.

But the change is inevitable.

What I have discovered after watching two movies tonight with Jon, is how we have both changed.

Largely positive.

For example. I have realized that I have dreams and hopes. I don't think I did before. Certainly not conscious ones. But I noticed that I gave up a lot of activities that kept me "busy" and stayed home a lot more and the two of us talk and think and brainstorm and watch films and music. IN doing all of that, I noticed that what was absent before was not the presence of another person, though that is true, but the absence of hopes and dreams for the rest of my life.

What I mean to say is that I really didn't have any. I have more now. They are not complete enough in my brain to write out - but they are in my head now and more importanly imprinted on my heart.

Here's something else I have noticed. I now actually have opinions on religion and politics. I am still largely in favor of tolerance since that is the foundation our country is based on, but Ihave these opinions. I am a little bit lost and confused by them because I was in a very comfortable zone, asking the hard questions only when I wanted to and investigating them only to the point that I was comfortably doing. I am still doing all of that but the conversations and discussions between us get heated at times and get very lively in good ways - all good ways - but they leave me with the feeling that all the things I knew my whole life don't work.

Honestly - for those of you who read this since the beginning - we have had some enormous challenges in my church. THe most recent for me is the fact that Choir rehearsal is at 8:15 on Sunday mornings. THat means I am in church for 4 hours on any given week. Don't even start with me on Holidays. Now I love to sing but I simply can't be awake and sing at that hour. It's not possible.

When I really sat and Identified it - My gift was bringing music to the service. If I can't do that I am not happy.

I discovered this when I subbed into a choir rehearsal the other night at another church. That is what I miss most.

Jon wants me to help the choir out in his congregation. The church I was at lats week wants me to help them.

I don't know if I am happy with those offers or if I should just suck it up and go back to my own church and deal with a choir director I"m not crazy about to sing at a time I am not wild about all because I love and adore my priest and I grew up with these people.

I don't know the answer. I am not really unhappy with the question either. I am not making any major moves to answer it right now either. THe fact is - I don't have to.

I'll know what's right when I find it.

Random musings

I have had a lot of things going on lately.





Here's the breakdown.

1. Work - My least favorite topic these days so I'm putting it here to get it done and out of the way. It's become increasingly difficult to get the job that was outlined in March done. The ruleset changes each day and it's a difficult environment to work in and I don't feel like my boss has my back. It's very frustrating to work for a client who has no regard for polite society and a complete sense of entitlement that is not earned or deserved.



2. Health (mine) - Blood pressure is playing around - can't seem to decide if it wants to be on the low side of normal or the high side of normal. Tends more to the low but my stress level is bumping it lately. Imagine that. Weight loss is going well. I have consistently maintained the 4lbs I took off last week. I am taking a pilates class one day per week and trying to walk the boardwalk more often. I am really tired lately. I'm generally trying to be healthier. Replacing some of my old products with healthier alternatives etc.



3. Health (Jon's) - So we are scheduling a lumpectomy to remove the inactive tumor in his neck. He has lost a tremendous amount of weight and we discovered he is now a 44 in jackets. He started out as a 48 and consequently A LOT of REALLY GOOD clothing is being donated to the Unitarian Church down the block. He still has active tumors on his tonsils and those need to be cleared up - right now we are taking no action and letting the radiation treatment finish it's work. There was improvement week before last though the course of treatment has been complete for some time. They will likely do another PET scan and a biopsy at the time of the lumpectomy. They cannot remove the tonsils and tumors themselves because the surgery, aside from being very disfiguring, would be highly dangerous. The surgeon thinks that there are other alternative at this time so we are reviewing those first. He's working out with weights to build up. He finally is getting side effects to the Lipitor so we curtailed the usage of that drug, though he is continuing the salt tablets. His blood came back reflecting normal sodium, high calcium and high kidney levels ( in the 3's again) which only one is good. He is tired but not in pain or discomfort. He is getting used to his new responsibilities to himself and life. Two steps foward - one step back. Just less frequently.


4. Music - I did a performance of two songs last night. I did Cole Porter's "Let's Do it, let's fall in love" and "I have dreamed" from The King and I. I LOVE the Cole Porter tune and Jon said it lays really well for me, I just need to stop "reading" it (even though I did it off book completely) and relax more. Words were a problem but not a huge one. I used mental rehearsal on how to perform this ahead of time and it worked beautifully. I envisioned how it would go, and it was almost exact. I looked nice, he looked nice. It was a fun dinner. He was happy I made him go. Other than today, I am back to my voice lessons too.


5. Finances - Wow. I can safely say that never in my life have I wanted so much and had no funds with which to do it. That's OK. It's called a budget and I am being vey prudent in this economy. We need some new appliances and that's not optional. We also want some new furniture and for that we are saving. I may well start hawking the Arbonne just for some extra cash.


6. House - Well the house is a mess. I have been working so much and doing so much that this has gone to hell in a handbasket. I am dedicating the majoity of the weekend to cleaning and organizing. Except for this blog and the nap that I have planned. I plan to cook and to clean and to generally be domestic.


7. Relationship - This is going better. Not perfect but whose is? We are working at it. It's the little things that count right now and that's what we are doing - working on the little things. It's weird because in some ways this feels like a marriage and in others not as much. More so than not, but I see a lot of things going in a positive direction. I'm almost afraid to say more lest the other shoe drops!

I think that's it overall.

Subconscious mind

My good kid - the one I NEVER have to remind to practice, always focused, always works hard - my stepford child in fact - flaked out on me for the third week in row.

She's 12.

I fully expected her to tell me that there was boy responsilble for her pie in the sky behaviour.

But no.

Perverse as this child is - it was school work.

This is the short version by the way. It took awhile to get this out of her.

I am more than just a music teacher. THe other things that I bring to the table are life coaching.

So I explain to her about utilizing her sub conscious mind to problem solve.

Did you ever wrestle with a problem, decide that thinking about it isn't getting you anywhere, and suddenly in the shower - the answer pops into your head?

Subconscious mind.

Very underutilized and usually very accurate.

Here's the funny part. I was thinking about this after I left her house. Kids actually use this technique a lot. Far more frequently than grownups.

We have way too many things we juggle. So we need instant answers so we can close the chapter on that problem and move on to the next.

Hence - we make some poor judgements and poor decisions.

What if, we put the problem aside - "sleep on it" in a sense. You may actually do that, or you may only need to do it for a few hours. Do not allow yourself the option of thinking about it. Use a key phrase to yourself whenever you are tempted to open the book on this problem in your mind. "I will deal with this later" or "I am not at my deadline for this situation yet". Pick a finite time that you WILL deal with it, and usually your subconcsious mind will have the answer.

DING DING DING.... PROBLEM!!!!!!

What happens when we start doing this and we are still making poor decisions??? OK it's possible and even probable.

My answers are simply this. One has to do their homework for the solution to fit appropriately. So be sure you have as much information as you feel you can get and need before you try this. Second - be prepared to reject the plan. Your subconscious could easily come up with the "right" plan but we reject it for any number of other reasons. That doesn't make it the wrong plan - it just makes it the "not right now" plan.

But if we are open to this kind of use of our minds, there is no stopping us from getting things working better and more efficiently in our lives.

THere is a wonderful article from Oprah's Magazine last February. In effect when we start looking at our desires and needs from the CORE of our being ( not the superficial "I want to win the lottery crap") The universe will provide them in due course.

It's an interesting concept. I'm trying it more now. You want to give it a go?

Self Esteem: A study in contrasts

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary -
Self-esteem: Self`-es*teem"\, n. The holding a good opinion of one's self; self-complacency.

-Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

Hmm. Self esteem, self worth.

Everyone in the world has some. I have never met a person who has absolutely none. less than normal, more than normal. But never NONE.

But then that got me thinking. What is the normal, well adjusted amoun? Who amonst us doesn't suffer lacking or doubts about one's ability in SOME area?

For example. Perhaps you are incredibly intelligent, wildly talented BUT you are not a good public speaker and you know it. Do you then have doubts about your ability to speak in public? Perhaps.

That, however, is perfectly acceptable and normal. And that one area can be improved upon, thus improving your self esteem IN THAT area.

What becomes damaging is when you have doubts in 1+ areas and you allow them to color your perception of yourself. Thus is born the accepted definition of LOW self-esteem.

So it is no surprise when I tell you ( as if you all didn't already know this!!!) I suffer from low self esteem. I think some of the problem is acceptance. I need to be accepted as I am and I have been conditionally accepted for as long as I can remember.

Weight played a big role in that. But overall what I think plagues me most in this quest to be the best version of myself possible is that I don't do enough for the people I love. If I could only do more, I would be loved more. If I could only be thin enough, I would be loved more.

It's stupid. I look at this in writing and even I am surprised by how silly it looks. Elementary even.

I work hard at my weight - most of you who know me know that. Tonight after dinner, Jon looked at me and said "I'm going to lecture you now, just wanted to warn you! " I laughed at him. I told to go on lecture away. His only statement was "I want you to watch your portion sizes more". THAT'S it???? That's your lecture? OK. I said "I agree".

A few minutes went by. I cleared the table I poured us each a glass of wine and sat down. He looked at me and said "I'm on this new program and I want you to do it with me - so we can both be healthy. "

I said "I agree - I just started the pilates class and I am continuing to walk on the beach." He responded that he loved the fact that I was taking that class at his "church". THen he looked horrified at me.... "OH NO" he said.

"WHAT??? WHAT???"

"You will have to RACE home on Monday night!!!! Or you will miss HEROES!!!!"

I almost died laughing. So much for the lecture, thanks ADD boy!.

I have noticed that his self esteem issues are, as I have mentioned before, largely related to being attractive. Being a local celeb that he is, he is used to adoring fans, throwing themselves at him. He's not one to take them up on it, but who deosn't like the ego boost of someone thinking you are attractive? He eats that up. He loves me and loves that I find him attractive at his worst, but according to him, my taste is clearly suspect in these issues.

When I approached this topic, he wasn't really receptive today. So I let it go. But I have to laugh at him. He mentioned a couple of little tidbits from his distant past that I didn't realize or know about, and always with the tag line - Nothing you need to be worried about! It makes me laugh when he does that. I don't worry about women from his past. Only the one and even now not so much. I trust him. At least as much as I am capable of doing.

So self -esteem, in contrast between us, is interesting. I want him to stop craving approval from strangers. He wants me to stop craving approval from loved ones. There has to be middle ground and I am trying to find it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to minimize the self-doubt. Sometimes I am succesful and others less so. But I will strive to be better!

Self - esteem - such a good thing when one has it and so damaging when one doesn't.

Religious Education

There are some topics that I choose not to include in my BLOG. The reasoning generally circles around being too personal.

This topic, falls into that category on a couple of levels, but I need to write this out so you are getting the full story. As always, I welcome comments but please do not be offended when I tell you that decisions are already made for the most part.

THe day started like any other. We got up, had breakfast, I started to work, and he headed out to run some errands.

One of these errands was a stop at the whore's house. Where he spent the majority of the afternoon. He cooked ( meals for me), fixed her computer, and agreed to teach religious education at her Roman Catholic Church.

For those of you who aren't caught up, he's an Agnostic who attends services at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation. He's not just an Agnostic, he's an active MILITANT Agnostic.

I do not personally care. It used to bother me in the beginning ( over a decade ago) bit over the years of talking and learning we have come to a mid point that we both can handle.

So it came as a shock that this militant Agnostic would even consider the offer to assist in teaching.

Then I took a step back. I realized that it was HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she asked him. More likely, he OFFERED.

That made more sense. She is a very devout and strict Catholic. She takes her teaching RE very seriously. There is NO WAY she would have ASKED for his help. If she knew anything about him, there is no way that this came up in the fashion that he is portraying it.

By the way - this is one of his MO's. He offers something and then tells people he was asked. It usually means that he is covering something else.

And so it is in this case. It would appear that he is not happy with the direction their friendship is taking. He doesn't so much like that fact that he is not as important to her day to day life as he would like to be. She has more or less made that clear. She doesn't return calls and she no lionger emails with any frequency and when she does, it's usually a funny or proseltyzing email that drives him crazy.

This seems like the answer. Offer to teach RE with her, and he can be of "use" to her one time a week thus bringing the friendship to a stronger level.

So he comes home and asks me what I think of his teaching RE. This is supposed to be my opinion right? So I tell him I think it's not the best choice he could make. I suggest that while it's a really nice gesture that he wants to help a friend out, there is a lot of CATHOLIC responsibilty that he simply isn't aware of.

For example, he has to teach not only the faith and religious perspective, but he must also embrace the political views of the church while answering questions. "Go ask your parents" will not cut it If they wanted that, they would handle RE in the home.

I cite 2 of HIS favorite political issues: Birth control and A woman's right to choose. He can't advocate anything BUT abstinence til marriage and Pro-Life. Two of his favorite sticking points in the upcoming election, He's highly critical of Ms. Palin for her stance on both. So what will he do when on of these 11-14 year olds asks him about those things? lie? Go against his own belief system ? You might as well ask him not to breathe.

He has no background for this, however on the plus side he is second to none when it comes to learning something knew and doing researhc. On the other hand - he doesn't believe it himself, so how exactly is he going to sell that to kids who will see right through that?

I discovered something else today that I haven't yet shared with him. He will need to take Sexual Abuse Awareness training as well as have a background check done. The Diocese of LI requires it for anyone doing anything involving children. Hall monitors, lunch aides - all of it.

Not that he has anything to hide in either area - it's just one more thing he would have to do. There is no option to "informally" interact with kids in this setting. Not anymore.

The bottom line - he's trying to keep a foot in the door to maintain the type of friendship that works best for HIM. Not for her - she barely factors into this at all actually. He has been telling me since the hospital that she doesn't give a crap about him, returns every 10th call, every 5th email. Once she realized he was happily in safe hands with me, she stopped worrying about him altogether. And he was offended by it. Not that she and I have a problem and not that he and I have a problem and believe it or not, he's happy that she and I are OK, but he's nto reconciled to the nature of their friendship and what's working for her isn't working for him.

So I am not angry at him or her. I am not happy about this situation but I am not angry at anyone. I think it's wrong and hypocritical. It makes me wonder how well she knows him. There is a lot at stake here, but I think that my best friend has it right. It's in god's hands.

She did suggest I contact the whore and politely suggest that this is a bad idea. I opted to NOT do that. He would be livid and I would be also if that went in the reverse. So I will share the training and background check info with him and we'll see what happens after that.

I can now let this go. I've said my piece. You all know how I feel about this. So does he - we had our fight about it. He understands my position about it. He keeps saying that all this depends on how strict the congregation is. Which shows me he knows NOTHING about catholicism. Please don't misunderstand me, I have nothing against Catholics. I am one. Not Roman, but Anglican and it's more or less the same. THe term "Catholic lite" applies on more than one occasion. more than half my family is RC. my eldest brother and his family believe in Pope Pius X. So I know a little bit about this and the bottom line is, Catholicsm is Catholicsm. It has faith, doctrine,dogma and political views. Most people don't get caught up in all of that, but when you are teaching you need to be prepared for questions about that because those questions will come. I get them every day. I have to stop and think "What household am I in" sometimes as I teach, Lutherans, Catholics, ORthodox Jews, etc. I have to temper my answer based on where I am,.

He is such a smart and intelligent person. I think that kids would benefit from his wisdom, but this is not the forum for it. Not at all. It's not appropriate and has disaster for all written all over it.

But it's in god's hand now.

my over-reaction is understandable, but it IS an over-reaction

I would confess, but then I would have to believe in confession....

So let's call it sharing.

I will SHARE that I am capable of, and from time to time have exhibited the signs of over reactions.

So in the efforts to identify what is valid and what is an ACTUAL over reaction, before I freaked out and made a perfect ASS out of myself, I decided to reflect a bit and sleep on it.

In the overcast isolation of the beach, listening to the surf crash the shores, I really thought about what upset me the night before.

Here is what happened:

In an effort NOT to editorialize, I will stick to facts first.

We were watching a movie. He's seen it before and I have not. He starts playing with the computer. I continue to watch the film. I look over and realize he's looking at Singlesnet. com. He asks me what I think of the woman on the screen. I raise one eyebrow over my glasses and ask what it is that he's doing. He mentions that he got a hit on his profile from a long time ago and was curious. Then he shows me another profile that he found of a friend of his who has been married for two years.

He continues to scroll through the listings that are local to us and then puts it away - the film has ended and I just get up and go to bed - he's not tired so he stays up to watch more TV.

OK now for the editorialized version ( in red):

We were watching a movie. He's seen it before and I have not. He starts playing with the computer [I feel like a computer widow already - put it down and watch the damn movie with me!]. I continue to watch the film. I look over and realize he's looking at Singlesnet. com [OK are you kidding me????]. He asks me what I think of the woman on the screen [Now I ask you - why on earth would you show me a picture of a woman who has sent you an ice breaker and ASK my opinion???]. I raise one eyebrow over my glasses and ask what it is that he's doing. He mentions that he got a hit on his profile from a long time ago and was curious. Then he shows me another profile that he found of a friend of his who has been married for two years.

He continues to scroll through the listings that are local to us and then puts it away - the film has ended and I just get up and go to bed - he's not tired so he stays up to watch more TV.

So I wake up and decide that being angry isn't going to get me answers. I need to think this through and sort this out.

But first - I plurk it out because I need perfect strangers ( and some new and old friends) to tell me I'm a freaking nut job - by the way - thanks guys!)

While at the beach - and plurking from my mobile ( is there no END to my obsessing??? evidently not!) It occurs to me that if that ice breaker had been in my email, I would have looked out of curiousity too. And then seeing one friend of mine - looking for more would not be a stretch either.

Which is what he said when asked directly.

But nooooooooooooo. Taking him at his word is almost too much effort. And why you ask?

Go ahead - ask!

Well I made a list. Oprah ( whom I do not care for) said list makers usually get their dreams once they get out of the shallow pool. Ok I summed the 3 page article up into one sentence but whatever - Get the Feb 2008 issue out and look it up - it was good.

My list comprised of his issues and then mine.

Here's his issues list:

1. We moved in together before the relationship was really ready.
2. He was diagnosed immediately after moving in
3. He wants this life but is having trouble giving up the old one - for reasons 1 & 2
4. His self esteem issues. They are low. To start with, factor in all that he has been through and the fact that his "safe" ego boost through performing has been taken away and I am left with a shell of man looking for all the boost he can get - Oh and my opinion is suspect because I already love him.

Here's mine:

1. We moved into together before the relationship was really ready
2. He was diagnosed right after he moved in
3. I am having trouble with my own self esteem
4. I am desparately afraid of being hurt. I can't handle emotional pain. It doesn't kill though it should.

It's a fine line I tread here.

The fact is, if we were to split up now, I would join the ranks of women who abandoned him. I want to shake him and say "Snap out of it" A la Cher on this one. On the other hand, I have always said and maintained that regardless of who it is, god help the woman that loves him, for he will want what is in the past. I actually understand that. He mourns for the past because it is known. Not necessarily comfortable and happy. But Comfort in the known entity. He also has an uncanny knack for looking at his past relationships through rose colored glasses and re-arranging them to suit his ego and how much bruising it can take. There are always shreds of the truth in each arrangement.

Of course, I'm not any better. No one is. History is written by the winner. I'm fond of that saying. Breakups are not unlike war and relationships are at times battlegrounds. So all he is doing is re-writing his personal history to make it more palatable for him. I get that. I do that too. I think to some extent everyone does. Who wants to be made a fool of and the actually remember it that way??? Answer: No one. So we subtly re-write these anecdotes to make them more palatable thus allowing us to move forward. In our heart of hearts, we know the truth and sometimes even trot out for examination though never too close.

THe thing with him is, these historical adaptations enable him to portray himself in a better light. THe neat and cool thing about him is, that he actually tries to be THAT person the next time. THus - achieving growth.

I, however, am the anomaly in this equation called life. Likewise he is mine.

15 years ago, if you had told me this is where I would be, I would have laughed you out of the room. Or had you committed for insanity. Same for him.

I expected to be married by now - though to who I am sure I don't know. It just seemed to be the natural progression of things. I knew about 10-12 years ago that there was not going to be just a generic guy that was going to date me, propose, marry, kids etc. I can't have normal. I don't think I would even know what to do with that. I always knew that living together without a formal proposal would be hard on me. I didn't know then why, but I do now. It's the trust.

We are meant to be together. I do realize that. I just don't think I realized how hard it would be. I have never lived with a man before in this capacity.

The upside to this, I discovered how much he talks about me when I am not around. I knew from his other friends while he was in the hospital and I was making the rounds. And of course our mutual friends, but I was atonished at the bar on Friday to discover that I was as much a celebrity there as he was. People I did not know where coming up to me and telling me what a good job I do taking care of him, of how much love was there, how amazing it was to see us both out and looking so good together, him telling people about my teaching and musical performance, about how he makes me dinner, etc. It was touching.

I pay for nights like that in spades. Once he catches himself being happy, he has to do something silly.

That was a really long winded explanation for my over reaction and I honestly don't expect anyone to read all of this or for that matter care. I needed to write it down and get it out so I can let it go. I need to do that more often.

Life as I know it

I had the best week.

OK parts of it REALLY REALLY sucked.

But overall I would have to say that I had the best week.

First of all, I have not cooked in 3 days. I have been treated to homemade sausage and peppers that will literally make you moan. Turkey pot pie ( made by Jon but in the whore's kitchen) and tonight marinated skirt steak.

He has been trying to do more things in general. He went to the whore's yesterday and cooked with her and fixed her computer and dropped off the picture I framed for her. Dear lord I am nice and pretty!!!

I won't lie to you - this day did make me wildly thrilled. It did NOT make me as crazy as it once would have however. I did talk him out of ( at least for now) teaching Roman Catholic religious education for her. One - he's not RC and that tends to be viewed unfavorably by the church. Two he's an Agnostic - also unfavorable by RC administrators AND parents of RC children and lastly - he has no training to teach whatsoever. He needs to take Child abuse course mandated by the county. And lastly - his reasons for doing it really suck. He's trying to be nice and ingratiating so she can see what her choice is costing her. Payback is a bitch. But more to the point - he's going to be the one who loses in the end.

I'm not angry at him and we did have this discussion tonight while we were at the pub. THe bottom line for me is, she asked him to assist partly because he's passionate about the topic and partly because she got roped in again and is a little burnt out. It's not appropriate on a regular basis to have him teaching a faith that isn't his, that he doesn't necessarily understand and believe. She can get in trouble as well.

I am suspicious of his motivations. He is so anxious to get the friendship on the appropriate footing that he will literally do ANYTHING to get it there. Including teaching religious education in a faith he doesn't believe in. We will continue the conversation but I think he needs to evaluate what he's commiting to. I wouldn't do it and I AM catholic. Of course I am also agnostic - another reason I won't teach. I can't adequately teach a faith that I am still questioning.

That aside, and the fact that we can only do a lumpectomy on the inactive tumors on the side of his neck leaving the active tumors on his tonsils, I had a good week. He cooked for me, we went to the pub and met the new owners. We saw the old staff who were thrilled to see us. Old friends. The place looks beautiful. The owners are going to buy us a dinner in exchange for his playing one night to determine if live music will work there. ( It will).

I start pilates classes at his church ( it's a unitarian congregation actually) on MOnday and he starts meditation class at the same time. We have a Sweet 16 for my God daughter ( he's giving her one of his old basses that he refurbished for her) next Sunday and I was asked to perform at the annual Prebyterian Dinner dance that Friday. Then we have the Kiwanis Installation after that. I am really excited.

More importantly I am starting to feel like we are actually a couple. We are doing things together and starting to have that life that we wanted from the start. Slowly it's starting to fit in.

I can't change this thing about him. He's like this with all the women in his past. Honestly - the reason the whore is a problem for me is that we overlapped. And she shredded his heart even before he and I got together. I've forgiven her however I would still be a lot happier with distance. She goes through fits and spurts where she gets caught up in her life and forgets about him. This of course is hurtful, however it is what it is. He has trouble letting go of all the women in his past hence the abandonment. I get it - I don't like it much - but I get it. We work through it.

This too shall pass.

I won't let it ruin my good week!

"Agnostic". It's not a dirty word

Agnostic:
One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism.
One who is doubtful or noncommittal about something.

Word History: An agnostic does not deny the existence of God and heaven but holds that one cannot know for certain whether or not they exist. The term agnostic was fittingly coined by the 19th-century British scientist Thomas H. Huxley, who believed that only material phenomena were objects of exact knowledge. He made up the word from the prefix a-, meaning "without, not," as in amoral, and the noun Gnostic. Gnostic is related to the Greek word gnōsis, "knowledge," which was used by early Christian writers to mean "higher, esoteric knowledge of spiritual things"; hence, Gnostic referred to those with such knowledge. In coining the term agnostic, Huxley was considering as "Gnostic's" a group of his fellow intellectuals—"ists," as he called them—who had eagerly embraced various doctrines or theories that explained the world to their satisfaction. Because he was a "man without a rag of a label to cover himself with," Huxley coined the term agnostic for himself, its first published use being in 1870.

-American Heritage Dictionary

In my many extensive discussions with Jon, some our hot topics include religion and politics. Not surprisingly, given the state of our union and upcoming election, the conversations have increased of late.

In an effort to blow off steam, he joined a discussion group online for agnostics. He himself is a Unitarian universalist with socialist background and is a self proclaimed agnostic. He jokingly says things like "I don't have to believe in God because She believes in me" It's meant to be cute and usually stops ridicule and persecution in it's tracks. He had extensive religious education in his congregation ( which he still attends) and was basically told, "we've provided you the education,now you need to decide what it is you want to do with it."

I am an Episcopalian convert from Methodist. Born and raised in an interesting religious fashion, my mom was Lutheran by proximity - meaning, my grandmother had no specific denomination and my grandfather was Catholic. The only church that was within walking distance to their home that was NOT catholic ( the ONLY religious qualification my grandfather had incidentally) was Evangelical Lutheran. Hence my mom and Aunts were raised Lutheran. It wasn't strict and to be fair to the family - it's more the pomp and circumstance of the service and the sense of community that brought them there than it was the religion itself.

My dad was Methodist. Very religious family. Very protestant. Bible study, church school, Bible sewing circle etc. He actually toyed with becoming a minister in the latter part of his life.

I grew up learning about prayer and faith from my dad. It was very important to him, his relationship with God. He stopped the relationship when my parents divorced. He blamed God and ignored the relationship and presence. After his marriage to my step mom, he converted to Episcopal and rediscovered that relationship and nurtured it till the day he died.

I pray every day as if God were in the room with me and we were having a conversation. But I spend a lot of time as well, questioning existence. Is he really there? Is he a he? Is Jesus his actual son? Is it even likely that Mary was a virgin? These are questions that I ask myself often. I find that from a logical perspective, these questions have no answer that is readily available. Certainly not one based on facts.... just on faith. Which brings me to a bigger question. But First, more rationalizing....

The bible, is a set of stories and messages. Parables and Gospels and the like, My problem with the Bible is that in it's current form, it was assembled centuries later and was edited by Constantin and his cronies. We all know that history is written by the winners right? Edited? Does that mean there are stories and Gospels that didn't make the cut?

So, I set out in search of these things. I read The Gospel according to Judas and Thomas and Mary. I watched programs on the history channel, I researched on line. I spent time in the library. I attended other Church's and faiths.

The point being that I WANT to believe that God is who I think He/she is. I WANT to believe in these parables and Gospels. I just know that if I am to be the person that I am, I need to continually question until I find the answers that are satisfactory to my soul. But not just my soul. They also need to satisfy my intellect.

On that subject, I will say I have a fairly high IQ. It's not a superior intellect to be certain and it's not terribly extraordinary. What I bring to the table is my extensive patience to research and look for answers that are consistent with the nature of the question on the table. I am not satisfied with commentary like "Because that's how it's always been done" though there are instances where that is accurate and does suffice it should not ever be the starting point.

I can't say that I don't have faith. I won't tell you that I don't believe. I will tell you that in the definition of Agnostic in it's classic sense as quoted above, I fit that definition.

However - there are many kinds. Jon would be a Militant Agnostic. He is prepared to defend his choices and beliefs as well those of his loved ones to the mat. He looks for proof and meaning. He is a bit of a bull in china shop at times and detests proselytising in any form. He looks for the fight to prove his right to be that Agnostic in a country where "under God" was added to our non religious precious government documents in the 1950's. He believes that everyone should have the right to pray or NOT to pray. He believes in respect for all religious beliefs or NON beliefs.

That's just him being militant and I love that about him. We need rattlers and shakers. I am not that person. I am the person who does the research and hands the factoids to the militant to use in their battles.

So here's my main point. My main reasons are really quite personalized to me. The reality is that I do not trust that many people to start with. People are fallible. I love my family and my friends with every fiber of being, but occasionally they let me down. Worse yet - I let THEM down at times as well. Given that little piece of humanity, how on earth am I expected to believe in something unseen, and unproven?

My Mom is a little agnostic herself. She raised us to be good people, with good values, to be altruistic, help others, not to break laws, to be respectful of others, and to be tolerant and accepting of everyone's differences.

Being an Episcopal Agnostic means one thing to me. That I worship in the episcopal religion as my choice because I feel comfortable there. Also I worship there because I believe that in order to gain the answers I seek, one cannot sit on the sidelines and complain, ridicule or criticize. You have to be in it to win it. You have to participate in order to gain understanding, answers or... dare I say it? Faith.

I don't know if I can find the answers. I don't know if they do or do not exist. What I do know is that I will persevere in my own way. If I need help along the way, I ask for it. I discuss these things with my priest often and I sift through them regularly.

Being an Agnostic isn't really a bad thing. It means asking questions and seeking answers. You can believe that a God exists and by being agnostic, seeking the means to prove that to YOURSELF. However that proof comes to fruition. The beauty of this is, what is proof to one, is blasphemy to another.

That's what makes the freedom of religion that our country was founded on so prescient. It's a cornerstone and a foundation of our country that needs to be protected.

I'm not a political person, I happily leave that to Jon. He's political enough for the both of us. But I can and will say that we need to be a little bit more defined in our separation of church and state. And make sure that those things that are in the "grey" area are handled to a reasonable and lawful conclusion.

At the same time, I really want people to understand the use of the word "tolerance". Tolerance is defined by the Random House Dictionary as:

1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.

I am, at times, concerned that we, as a country, don't show enough of this.

So I leave you with this. Asking questions isn't bad. It's smart. Educated people who ask questions can also be people of faith. Tolerance is the act of allowing people to ask questions of their governing and religious choices. Being educated, I finally discovered this about myself and I felt a little strange at first and Jon, knowing how that would be, talked me down a bit. Once I got comfortable with it, we were able to really talk about how we felt from a religious standpoint. A very meaningful and pivotal point for us.

Agnostics are not bad people - just folks looking for answers or better yet - looking for that one thing that will enable them to have faith that there is a God.

Cleansing

This topic is not for the feint of heart.

I am on day 6 of a 7 day internal cleanse.

THis is not my first round with this sort of thing, but it is my first round with this particular product.

I will tell you that this one was fairly difficult on me. At least the first 3.5 days were. There was some discomfort in the first few days. I had a skin rash on my chest and was moving into the bathroom.

Once I turned the corner of day 3, I discovered that my skin had cleared up, my weight had dropped dropped, I was able to move out of the bathroom and felt amazing.


My body righted itself officially on Day 4 and has maintained through Day 6 ( today). The only thing I am feeling now is occasional gas pain but that passes naturally and with only slight quesiness.

Now I know you are all scratching your head in wonderment thinking "for all the bad synptoms this cleanse imparts WHY DO IT? "

Simple - better to have those symptoms for a few days and be productive about ridding my body of the crap ( in some folks case - literally) and replace with the good, then let it sit inside me and fester.

I have hydrated more than I ever did in my life - and again for those that know me that really is saying something because I drink so much water I should float.

Niot being a stranger to cleansing, this one was entirely botanical and all natural. It was in liquid form and I will be doing this one week a month in the future to keep myself in the "clear". I feel so much better.

THe cleanse that I started internally on the physical level I wanted to continue on the psychological and emotional levels as well. So, on "our" mutually agreed day off from one another, I went to the beach yesterday. I did not walk - I read my book and sat on a bench in the sun. I got myself a neat starter tan ( not bad for the end of the season) I felt fabulous when I got home.


From an intellectual standpoint, Jon and I have been discussing a lot of politics and religious views lately. He belongs to an Agnostic site and reads me all the posts and his responses. He is supportive of my beliefs and he wants to attend my services with me one day. We have spent enormous amounts of time on this lately - what with the presidential race going in earnest. We are at the point where we are starting to finish each others sentences and read each others minds a bit.

Last night when he arrived home, he mentioned that he ran into some of his fans from one of hte bars he played in. It has since been sold, and they have kept a lot of the original staff. He wants to go down there this coming weekend and spend some time. He wants to invite everyone who normally goes to hear him play. Then he suggested that he wanted to be magnanimous and invite the whore and her boyfriend to come too.

I was confused as to why that would be "Magnanimous". His explanation was that she is wary of him. Wary of having the two men around one another so she limits it. I think that this is odd and I comment to that effect. He then said she no longer emails or calls him, unless he initiates it.

I said "take the hint".

He didn't understand. I said that when she came to the hospital I noticed a change in her behaviour. One that makes me VERY comfortable with her now. He looked at me and said, "I knew something was too good to be true there".

I just explained that the fact is that she shut that door and moved on to the next phase of her life. It appears to be a life in which she is leaving him behind, hence her behaviour towards me in the positive.

He was quiet and then commented calmly that he is happy for her if that is what she wants. He has said time and again that he can't trust her to be anything more than a friend and not even a close one at that, but that part of him wasn't entirely ready to let go. Now it looks like he has to.

I told him that it would be a nice gesture to invite the couple to come down and spend the evening with the crowd but don't expect her to jump at the opp. He agreed and we settled out a small guest list.

The fact is he is slowly rebuilding his life. well. Our life. I am allowed to make him dinner now. We are still negotiating sleeping habits but we are having activities together that take us outside the home. We are practicing music together which is great fun for both. We are building him back up. We are prepping for surgery. We are looking to make some major purchases.

I am almost afraid to let myself feel happy. But know it's right there on the edge.....

The little things

I realized, while riding in the car this afternoon, that this was really labor day weekend.

For Jon, this means nothing this year.

For me, it just means a day off work.

Overall, what I realized was literally how fast the summer passed us by. Not that we weren't busy, or paying attention. It just passed us by.


We were on our way to the movies. It's a big day for us. I commented that we hadn't been to a movie in the theater - together - in almost 4 years. And I can tell you what it was and where we saw it. He laughed and proceeded to tell me what it was and where we saw it.


It tends to be the little things that count though.


The psychic mentioned that we would be making a large ticket expenditure together. I laughed because these days it seems that everything is.


But Friday we started looking at furniture together. Not dinky cheap stuff either. But we had to come to terms on a look. He likes modern and I like more of a "Bombay company" look. So we settled on Crate and Barrel.


I started a list of the items that we want to get. He was really into it. I was surprised.


The discovery that he feels unattractive and insecure was a real wakeup for me. Of course when I commented on it, I was told that my opinion is suspect as I was already in love with him. THat made us both laugh. True - but still funny.


When you are in the public eye as he is, with adoring fans falling at your feet, you don't need to go looking for adulation from outside sources. And with him, knowing that he is beloved makes it easier for him to be happy wiht himself and with me.


But he hasn't been. happy that is, and I blamed myself for awhile and still do in moments of weakness. We are starting to get out more and take care of socializing and the like. I am trying to be patient and gently nudge him along making him think it's his idea. But I am hitting my own insecure rough patches.


I walked 90 mins on the boardwalk the other night. I am also doing my pushups and situps at night. I am doing a Sea Spa Detox that was rough for the first 3 days but seems to be better today which is day 4. I have lost 4 lbs and my skin and hair look amazing.


Of course today my hair dryer burner out too... figures. Gotta buy a new one.


We have been drinking a glass of wine each night and he has a doctor appt wiht the renal doctore and then radiation to determine when he will have his surgery. The Tumor on the one side appears larger at this time - It was tender to the touch and hot since he had the PET scan.


I am back to prayer at night. Largely for him, and me. And us. But I also include the respective family and friends and things of the like. I did become an Aunt for the 8th time and will become an aunt for 9th in October.


I am afraid to be optimistic. But I can't afford not to be. I miss the old us.


He started talking to me about things in his marriage. Traditions and behaviours that worked that he would like to continue and things that didn't. Slowly slowly slowly.

I don't do slow.

But I'm trying.

Love has to fall somewhere short of suicide

I can't take credit for this quote but I like it. It speaks to me of love being a choice as suicide is. It's sarcastic of course which is totally me as well. Not that I am in any contemplating suicide now or ever - It's the extreme that speaks to me.

The fact is, When times are tough - you have to make an effort, no, a conscious choice at times to love one another. Some days that's easy and some days it's not.

It occurs to me that this psychic that I saw was not only dead on in what she told me then but how forward seeing it really was.

In the past few days we have had a tug o war going on.

The psychic said that the only way we move off our plateaus is to nudge each other along albeit under the guise of humor, and this one that we are on now will be no different. And I have a knack for making him think it's his idea.

And that is all true. And each time I get down about this stuff I look back on these words and realize that it's true.

Unfortunately we have a wrinkle. I feel very specifically unattractive. In the past 24 hours I have spent an enormous amount of money ( nearly 1000 dollars) to look and feel better about myself. And it isn't WORKING.

To be fair - this expenditure is a longterm solution so I am not balking at the cost right now. Normally I would be panicking in ways and means I cannot describe but these are solutions that will last for at least a year if not more. So it turns out to be less than 100 bucks a month which is reasonable to me.


These are things that will help my eczema, my weight loss, my overall health, I did have my hair done, a mani and pedi, waxing - you know girl stuff. Eyelash tint and curl - the whole nine.


And yet, when I got home I felt as fat and undesirable as ever.


So I looked at things that I need and I will be going to the beach and walking 4.5 miles 3 times a week. It makes me feel better and I like it there. Time permitting I will sit and meditate on the benches there too. If I time it right, I can do this from 7-8:30 MW and Thurs. Then home and dinner.

It's all I can do right now. I will add my core work in the evenings as well. We'll see after that.

The other thing is music. I know I keep saying it, but music brings us both back to the center. The center of what makes us well... us.

We watched Across the Universe tonight. It was amazing. Wonderful and poignant. He took out his guitar and we played and sang. We decided that he would do the vocal warmups I gave him and sing a couple of tunes per day. Even the callouses on his fingers have worn down so much it was a little bit painful to play. But we did and sang Beatles tunes. For 3 hours. It was wonderful.

He's interested in music again. That's something to thank God for.

Tomorrow he will be radioactive for a number of hours. He will be having a pet scan to determine his surgical options in a few weeks. This may well be the final phase we are moving into for remission.

Things can only go up from here.

So Close

You’re in my arms

And all the world is calm

The music playing on for only two

So close together

And when I’m with you

So close to feeling alive

A life goes by Romantic dreams will stop

So I bid mine goodbye and never knew

So close was waiting, waiting here with you

And now forever I know

All that I wanted to hold you

So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end

Almost believing this was not pretend

And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come

So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days

If I should lose you now?

We’re so close

To reaching that famous happy end

And almost believing this was not pretend

Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are

So close So close

And still so far

I have spent a lot of time lately mentioning this song. It's virtually the only thing I listen to these days too. I know that sounds obsessive and it's not. If you know me even a little - you know that when a piece of music touches me that much I can't get enough of it into my soul fast enough so I do what I can to bring it in with large doses until I can pour it back it out.

I can't begin to tell you how I keep thinking back to Sunday on the beach by myself. It's the memory attached to this song. My Sitting on the boardwalk, watching people, seagulls, volleyball, ocean, waves, sky, kites - all of it, It was so wonderful and so filling up the emptiness that I was starting to feel. And I Don't know why the emptiness and I Don't know why that solved it.

The Psychic echoed everything that was renewed in my soul the next day. I was scared and nervous because I honestly didn't know what she would say. But she said things I needed to know and things I needed to hear. All of them good.

The thing is - I DO believe in fairy tales. Anyone who reads this who knew me as a child KNOWS I WAS THE FREAKING PRINCESS. I had the crown. I had the dresses and the shoes. I HATED to get dirty.

Evey birthday party that I had, I had some kind of birthday crown. Seriously. Ask my mom. I had the dresses- never pink though. Still am not crazy about it.

I believed in the prince, the magical wedding and happily ever after. Hell I GOT up at 4AM to watch Prince Charles marry Diana. My step mom and I both did. And I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. Not then, not now, not ever.

That's not all - sometimr in my early 20's my parents and my sister and I went to Europe. On our 4th day there - we got on a train and went from Amsterdam to Brussels and somehow managed to get into the Coronation procession of the prince being upgraded King.

HOwever, somewhere between my early 20's and now - fairy tales died, happily ever after got lost somewhere in the other county and princes and princesses? Seriously? come on.

Here's the part of the story that you may or may not know.

10 years ago, Jon and I broke off things - seemingly permanent. I went to the bar where he worked and basically handed him a letter that said "get your head out of your ass - you know we are meant to be together and that we are perfect together. I knew it when you arrived at the wedding a YEAR before and I knew you were divorced without anyone telling me"

I look back on that and realize that as much as I say I don't believe in soul mates, he's it. I can tell you that till the cows come home ( and that would be a neat trick since we don't have any cows and live in a high rise),but the bottom line is as bad as things have been and things can be, We are soul mates.

So I guess I do believe in them after all.

Happily ever after? We'll see about that.

My reading

I had my third psychic reading ever on MOnday night.

My first one was done by a hack. It was 40 dollars and an hour I have yet to get back. and sorely miss.

The second one I went to was ironically free and 15 minutes long. Evidently there is a line up on the "other side" or the "heavenly layer" looking for me back then. I recieved messages from Mark, Tim and my dad in that order. I gave this woman NOTHING to work with - not one thing - and she recieved this info.

So I was trepidacious as I walked into Starbucks. I bought my coffee, turned around and saw her. I knew it was her and she knew it was me.

I sat down and we talked a bit. Largely about who she is, what she does and how it works. She knew I was a teacher but that was it.

She did some opening prayers which were nice actually. She then talked about validations and how we do that.

So she tunes into me, and asks me if I am having trouble with my hips. I was a little surprised, because the night before I was unable to sleep due Sciatic pain. I didn't tell anyone but Jon.

Then she commented about my stomach - yes it's in knots and I hold my emotional stress there but that's recent. I used to hold it between my shoulders.

So we moved on. My dad kept telling her funny stories that were accurate. She finally stopped to verify that I knew who it was. I told her it was my dad and if he's not going to participate respectfully he can go away - she laughed. Then I told her "You know what - I'll do it" .

Then she told me she had an itchy scalp. That genereally happens when psychics "find each" other in a room. Oh and how long did I have the gift?

I tell her I am looking for insight into my romantic life and career.

So she starts by asking me if there is a Sagittarian in my life. I tell her yes, then she has me shuffle cards and lays out the spread.

She had done some work with Chakra's earlier during the validation. She mentioned Yellow.

She turns up the first card. A Queen in yellow. Too funny.

I won't ID the cards or go through the entire reading but I will sum it up like this:

Jon and I are soul mates. And yes the heavens and stars all know neither of us buy into that, but there it is. This is long term and we are in it for the long haul.

We are at a plateau - the way we move past each plateau in our past, was to nudge each other along in a laughing joking kind of way. We will get past this one too.

We didn't have much in the way of courtship but that will change for the better.

I am evolving in a stronger and more nurtured and nurturing way.

I am in a growth cycle ( mid life crisis is the less nice term applied)

She knew the money was largely mine. THe house etc.

Career wise - I hate my job. I know what she's going to say already. My job has the potential for a better change down the line in April of 2009.

I walked away for the first time in a long time feeling so amazingly good and happy about things. Largely because she was able to validate how I actually felt and was able to tell me what I knew in my heart was right. That despite the strife and struggle that we are going through there is something amazing on the other side.

We are so close, to that happy end.

I see dead people. ( just kidding - come one you had to see that one coming.)

Go to a place that will renew your soul

Today was an unusual day. I started out sleeping in a little as I have not been sleeping well the last few nights due to the issues with my eyes.

Once Up however, I made some coffee and had some breakfast while Jon did the crossword puzzle ( NYTimes - is there any other?). We chatted idly. Calm, relaxed, lovely.

His phone rang and his best buddy called. They were going to meet on the mile at his usual haunt. Now I want to go on record here. Part of our problem right now is that he has not been able to have a real social life since April. That means that he has not met a lot of my friends and vice versa. We all know about each other and in some cases have spoken on the phone, but never met. This one I met, once, a year or two ago for 10 seconds or less.

As I was leaving to go teach, he asked me if I wanted to meet the two of them down there. I was surprised and happy at this turn because it means he is feeling better. We agree that I will call him on his cell when I am heading back to town.

I teach my lesson and head back to town. I call him at 2 and tell him I am getting ready to come down there. I was less than pleased to hear, "Don't. I'm probably coming home soon and my buddy hasn't called me so they probably aren't coming". I hang up and go home. I'm not happy.

Because I do not believe him. I think he needs space and doesn't want me there, but doesn't know how to say it so I won't be mad. And this plan is working SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!! Because I changed my plans to do this. And he damn well knew it.

I start doing some housekeeping. It was after I had changed the cat litter and cleaned out the air purifier that it occurred to me that it was a stunning day here and why should I be in the house cleaning it when he is not worried about he condition of our home and out having himself a party. I literally left the vacuum where it was, picked up a book, a bottle of water, my journals and ipod and hopped in the car and drove to Long beach.

Where I sat on the boardwalk looking at the ocean. I scribbled in my journal - nonsense mostly. Then I read my book. And listened to my Ipod. And sat there, staring at the ocean, sailboats, freighters in the distance.

I spent a couple of hours there. A friend advised me on my trip to Long Beach not to dwell on the situation that caused me to go because that won't make it easier to address. So I didn't.

A song came on my Ipod from Enchanted. It's the academy nominated ( don't recall if it won ) "So Close". What a lovely song. But it made me think a bit. I listened to it a lot actually.

The words are not entirely pertinent but there is a wonderful phrase in the bridge,

"Oh how could I face the faceless days if I should lose you now? We're so close to reaching that famous happy end"

It made me think. Girls think about this stuff a lot. A lot a lot. From childhood, we are read fairy tales about the princess and some evil person and prince charming who rescues her. We watch films like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Snow White - all of them. Heck even the three feminine archetypes qualify here.

Happily ever after is NOT a phrase we do a lot with. We don't all know what it is, but as little girls we dream about it, and chase after it. Successful or not, cognizant or not, we go after the fated "Happily ever after" and only when it's UNSUCCESSFUL do we realize that we don't have it. When we do have it, only the fortunate recognize it.

My mom always says that while she loved my dad, she is currently married to and lucky enough to have had a second chance to have found her prince Charming. I envy her that.

For while I know that there are lots of challenges in their lives as people and as a couple, they have overcome some SERIOUSLY major obstacles to get where they are.

I suspect that what is happening to Jon and I is not necessarily bad, just us trying to find our footing as he recovers.

Here's why.

I was driving home from the beach, noticing that 3 hours had elapsed since I walked out of the house and hadn't heard a word from him. I was plugging my phone into the charger and noticed I had a voice mail. Phone hadn't rung, but reception is not so great on the parkway down there. I listen to it and it's him wondering where I am.

So I called him back and he tells me this big long story about how he was down there and his buddy showed up until his mom called and he needed to run errands for her into his brother's in Queen's blah blah. I was not terribly responsive at this point - handing out monosyllabic answers because I don't want to have this conversation on the phone. When he asks me where I was. I told him and he was quiet for a minute and then said,

"I wish I could have been there with you. "

One sentence. Stupid. But it made me cry. I am such a silly woman sometimes.

I hurry myself off the phone truly hoping he doesn't realize what that did - again only because I don't want to do it on the phone. In beach traffic.

When I got home, he says:

"Next weekend I want to try this again. You and my buddy and I will go to EB's. OK? "

"My movie buddy and I are going to see _____ movie on Friday - I want you to come- can you put it on the calendar?"

"Can the two of us go sit on the boardwalk together this week?"

I didn't know how to react. He's not any better at this than I am and he's got 12 years on me. I guess the thing I keep complaining about is communication, and I'm not doing it any more or any better than he is. In that regard I haven't figured out how to since he got sick. I used to know how to before that. I also realized that he knows - without being told - just how hard my life is right now. How many things are wrong and how just generally sad I feel. He can't do much, but he's trying to make things easier in smaller ways.

I did tell him not to say things that he has no intention of following through with just to make me happy for a moment. He was a little bit hurt that I thought that, but replied that he wasn't doing that. He was trying to merge our lives and today just didn't work out right. For either of us.

I got a much needed retreat to the beach though. It felt good in many ways to claim that bench and relax there in the sun and take in the sites ( some hot volleyball players were right in front of me!). IN many ways I perfer Long Beach to Jones Beach. It's got the nice boardwalk, parking is free and it's a little bit more "resort-ish". I felt like I was on vacation for 3 hours.

Boats, water,ocean, beaches. These are things I need to keep my soul soothed. I now realize that I am truly an east coast girl and don't take me more than 10-15 minutes away from my beach and ocean. I may not go often - but opening my windows and being able to smell the salt in the air means the world of difference to me. I love the ocean waves crashing, the sites, the sounds, the smells. If I could afford it, I would have a beach house. And be rest assured, when I win the lottery it will be done.

The fact is that the other night when I covered the boat cruise, I realized just how important a role this had in my life and how powerful it was. I stood on the bow of that boat, moving with the motion of the boat and the water, and I was momentarily at peace. Everything that bothers and troubles me was literally gone. I saw the sun set over the horizon and was absolutely awed by the site. I was thrilled to be under the draw bridge as it opened rather than on top waiting to be released to the other side.

So it was no great surprise that going there today was the right thing that my soul needed to renew. It was better than anything else that I could have done at that moment.

As for Jon, I recognize effort when I see it. This may not be happily ever after right now.... but there is so much potential that I think we can get there.

We're close. So close.