Waterworks

Yes that's right. The tears have started. Again.

Frankly, I don't understand it. Any of it. I shouldn't be crying anymore.

And I shouldn't "Should" myself as my very first WW leader would say.

Everything makes me cry. Literally everything.

I mean, what the HELL was God thinking here? What's the entire purpose of this exercize? To prove that I can feel pain? Good JOB MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED! What Else to prove that I still love him? DUH!!!!!!! To bring back to me in the capacity that he did only to be treated badly? Are you KIDDING ME????? This is freaking absurd!!! If this is the message, somebody majorly screwed up here. No one and I mean no one, should have to feel the kind of pain that I am in right now. And to be in a situation like I am in ???? Just freaking shoot me. It will hurt a lot less.

For example. Home. Working. half paying attention to the TV. I think the show on may have The Reba show. All I remember hearing was "I think I did make mistake in leaving you" and I disolved into tears. I don't know the circumstances, I wasn't following the story line, that one independent line and I was done.

I got an email today. From one my girlfriends. YOu know the ones... tell your friends you love them because you don't know if you will not get the chance blah blag blah. Done.

MOre tears.

Pictures from the birthday from hell came in. Done. Tears.

Heard some discussion about soul mates on some other show. I can't even tell you what show it was or the context. Done. tears.

I gave up on TV by this time. I grabbed my hand bag and went to the pharmacy to pick my prescription. I picked up the wrapping paraphenalia for his birthday gift. I decided to look at cards. What on EARTH went through my mind. I picked up the first card. I should have bought that one in retrospect and may go back with a clearer head. I through it back at the rack and perused the freezer section for ice cream.

I cried in the car - in silence - no music even to bring it on. Hell I am having the breakdowns now just based on my thoughts??? great.

I leak tears at any given moment.

I ate Coldstone for dinner. I didn't even enjoy it that much. 3/4 of it is still in the freezer. I haven't been off the couch since 6:30.

I just want my life back less the drama. I want HIM back less the drama.

This SUCKs.

and the best part, do you know what the best part of all this is????? I am doing this alone. almost exclusively. With the exception of the readership of my blog, it's only me here in person.

I am not good at asking for help, so when I do and it's turned down, I don't put up a fuss or fight, I just retreat to the corner and lick my wounds.

I'm in the corner if anyone needs me.