The man is like a beacon.
The minute I make my peace to try and move forward without him.... the inevitable phone call comes.
I was just working on my coverage for next week when I am not working. I have a lot to line up for the next week and 1 and a half days to do it in.
The phone rang and I didn't even look at it. I knew. I KNEW. I just knew who was on the other end.
I picked it up, and after we exchanged greetings, he said:
"In response to your email this morning. Me too. I'm sorry we argued, I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass".
My apology was made for one reason only. Well two. I don't like to fight with people and leave it unresolved. If the resolution is that we never see or speak to each other, fine that's the resolution. But to leave a fight in the middle like that, I can't make peace with it.
Though it got easier as the hours passed. Strangely. Though as my post that day clearly shows, irritation and all that goes with that....
My apology was only that we argued. I apologized for fighting. I apologized for being a pain in the ass. Not for the content though. The content was more of the same and I won't apologize because of how I feel. Ever. Not to anyone.
He asked if he could come by. I said yes. So he came by. The first thing he did, was hug me and apologize again for the fighting.
He was here for about an hour. He drank his Vodka, I drank my water. We had perfectly reasonable conversation. We researched some Hospice care. we talked about the time table for it. We talked about other things unrelated to that, just general talk about us and our lives before we "officially" met. He hugged me and kissed me as he left and said "No more fighting for us. "
This is a man who doesn't believe in apology. Even when he knows he's screwed up. I have personally only heard him apologize to me one other time. I get a lot of excuses.... but generally speaking he doesn't apologize to anyone. And no, I don't consider myself blessed that he did it. And no, I don't consider myself special because of it. But it's effort.
It's actually easier to just walk away from the whole thing. But I am not really ready to say "I have done all I can do hear and this chapter in my life is over". There is some reason that I was put here to be in this situation. I have no FREAKING clue what it is. But I do know it involves me standing to him and standing up to myself.
It's getting much easier to do that,
The problem is, Whem I asked him why on earth he is holding onto me, why does he need me in his life, what is so important about me? He told me he gets something from me he gets nowhere else in the world.
He danced around it but in the end it was unconditional love. Love is what keeps bringing him back.
I do not get men. seriously.
On a secondary note, I spoke with Drew this afternoon . PHone tag for months. It's amazing how much time goes by, and it's like nothing. He asked what was wrong, I just matter of factly told him and he matter of factly gave me his opinion. We talked about Mark. A lot. A lot a lot.
I feel OK. MIgraine's are letting up and B/P is steady but on the higher side. Not alarmingly just slightly higher than normal. That will stabilize after this week. It's my vacation this week and I have plans to sit in the sun, read my books, and do absolutely nothing.
The perfect vacation.
No comments:
Post a Comment