The upside of misery

I'm not miserable one hundred percent of the time.

I would suffice it to say I am probably nont even miserable seventh-five percent of the time.

But when it hits, it hits hard.

The upside of all of this is, though I ordered the largest size coldstone makes last night for dinner, I didn't finish even half. Even picking at it at ten PM last night.

And somehow or another, still managed another 1.2 lbs down.

I was reading some of my own work last night, and was actually kind of impressed with The Garden. That was really decent writing. And I love that song. So I bought it and the overture to Candide last night on Itunes. I wish there was a way to play the song in Blogger while you are reading the post. It's the absolute coolest thing. That's what I did, I put it on my IPOD and read the post. It really was neat to have the music going while you are reading the words and the insight.


The upside to all this introspection and licking of wounds is, I suppose that since this hasn't killed me, it should make me stronger, right?


Or my favorite, God doesn't give you more than he thinks you can handle. Not as convinced here. But the jury is out for now.


I slept fine and had a migraine in the wee small hours of the morning. It's gone to a degree now. I am drinking a lot of coffee to help keep it gone.


I was whining yesterday. I know this. I admit and acknowledge it. Expect more since the situation is at a standstill for awhile.


A colleague of mine said something similar happened to her. And her response was really interesting. While on paper it looks like I have "more" than he does, what I get from him is as important as all that other stuff. I don't neccessarily need to be on equal footing with my partner in the possessions and finance stuff, just in the emotional and love stuff.


And he does give me that. And I give him that. That's what makes us, well, us. That's the good stuff, the stuff that sends my heart swirling no matter how long we are together, days, months, years.

The one thing that kind of worries me is when things are at a standstill, people can get comfortable with status quo. I am the one who put it on hold and I reserve the right to remove it from hold once I sense that the situation with his brother is under control.

I'm back to the dull ache from the hole in my heart. No tears today. Not even one.

I can't say I"m better, but I can say that I am trying to manage. One must crawl before one cann walk.