Moments of good

I have spent a lot of time writing about the things that are wrong and not working in my "whatever we call it now" relationship.

But, as is typical of human nature, we tend to focus on the bad and less on the good. You know the saying "Good news travels fast, Bad news travels faster"? The same is true when you hear about relationships.

Generally when things are good solid and working, unless it's brand new, you don't really hear about it. Why ? Because things are good and working and little to no additional stress or effort needs to be expended.

So it's natural that the last couple of weeks of posts have been on the negative side. Because we broke off the relationship. A lot of information that wasn't presently out there, was shared between us. And temporarily we have just put the whole thing on hold pending the outcome of his brother's immediate health challenge.

I received some good and interesting advice from a first time reader/commenter last week. I really liked his comment and perspective and it resonated with me so much that I can still recount what he said without looking it up. But for the moment I will past it in properly so as not to misquote.

In response to my post titled "The reprieve is over", I received the following comment:

"You're right C. but you have to be very sure of who you are now and who you are likely to be in your futures. Humanity needs clear minded tough cookies to love our misfits back into functionality. But is a thankless task and rarely gets positive results. If he wants to be proved unloveable maybe he has the right to choose that path. Do what will make you happiest with your life. Bon chance,"

I keep thinking about this. He does have the right to choose the path he is on. The only thing I feel differently about is that I don't think he has actually, intellectually made that choice. Based on all our discussions over the years, he reacts first and thinks second. He didn't used to be this way. When I was about 6 years old, He actually thought through a plan of action for his life that would have put both of us on very different paths today. He wanted to marry the woman he'd been seeing and set up a future for them both. He made a choice that would enable that plan to work out, only he failed to implement it properly so things didn't work out the way he wanted them to. Great plan but poorly executed. The woman broke up with him, though the three of us are great friends today. And he never really recovered from this. So instead of planning out his life, creating a future and executing the plan with the wisdom that comes with age, he reacts to the curve balls and than later, reviews things and gets depressed about how things are shaping up.

Again the psychologist in my comes out and says, "he refuses to plan because the plan always backfires and he pays for it". and then the logical person says, "learn how to plan idiot!".

The thing of it is, he is afraid of a relationship with me because he is afraid that he will be using me for security. While that may be a benefit, I certainly don't believe that is the only reason for the relationship.

For all the bad things that have happened and all the information that I have had thrown at me in really 2 weeks, it occurred to me that I was only focusing on the things that were bad. If it were all bad, I wouldn't have stuck it out this long. The situation, as I see it, is that I keep talking about the bad stuff, but please remember there are so many good things in him and in us together. The time we spend together is always good. I will try to make sure that I am adding the good stuff too. The roller coaster that we have been on has had equal hills and valleys.

Loving him means loving all of him, even the bad. But it does NOT mean accepting bad behaviour. He no longer has the option of bad behaviour and my excusing it. And while the duration has only been a week and half, the behaviour has improved. We'll see how the future unfolds.

This is going to sound incredibly corny. And it is. It truly is. But in April, when he came to me that Maundy Thursday, I looked in his eyes and I think my heart beat truly for the first time. So this while thing is terribly difficult for me.

And while we are sorting this out, I will continue to miss him terribly.