I am ridiculously iritable lately. The mundane normal things that I used to accommodate with grace, are now met with sharp remarks or no comment at all.
My housekeeper came today. I did nothing to even pick up the house for her. Not my normal behaviour, not by a long shot. But last night did not go well for me in any capacity. I really don't want itemize it again because my best friend and I just did a rerun of the what happened 18 days ago.
Only this time - I think it is truly over. Everything.
I awoke in the wee hours with a migraine. It's the second one in two weeks. So I saw the doc today and my B/P was high ( he called it "situational" and I need to monitor it twice a day. He prescribed imitrex for the migraines. And he very kindly told me that I was too young for this kind of stress and grief and I needed to relax.
He meant well, I'm not angry at him.
Upon my housekeeper arriving to my less than picked up house, she first discovered that I had accidentally threw out her rags and there I was, digging through my garbage for her cleaning rags. She was chastising me for throwing them out. Ordinarily I would just play along, today I snapped. I said nothing but walked out of the room as she asked me where my brain was. What I would have said was, don't leave them on top of the freaking garbage can lid, they must have slipped in! But I walked away.
I am busy working, on the call from hell. She asks me to come to the kitchen. I walk in and hse has lined up tupperware on the counter. She then proceeds to chastise me for all the wasted food that is sitting there. This time, I told her to throw it all out and I start to get chokey from holding back my actual thoughts. She's just kidding with me and I realize that, but this is not the day. I finish the call from hell, change my clothes and head out to the bank so I can get the cash to pay her. I call my best girl friend and we talk a bit, she had made a beautiful piece of jewelery so I went to her house to pay her ad pick it up.
So my 10 minute trip turned into a one hour trip.
A phrase from one of those phenomenal women email forwards stuck in my head as I pulled into her driveway.
"A woman needs to..... know where to go when her soul needs soothing be it a quiet inn in the country or best friends kitchen table. "
And that's where I ended up. Her kitchen table and she fed me ( and herself) because neither of us ate.
What's happening now, is that I am shoving the pain and memory of all of it into the pocket that it was in to start with from 7 years ago.
But it leaks out in different forms. Now I notice major tension in my jaw. My skin is starting to fail, despite my increased efforts. And I still cry, but at situational things, a book, a movie. It's just more than would have been normal. I jump at small noises. And I hear crazy noises in the dark when I am trying to sleep.
I am trying to keep my life activities the same as it was before him. All the activities that I once enjoyed, all the work I was doing. The only problem is that he won't be a part of it. And that is weird.
I can't take it anymore. I am too young to feel this mentally and emotionally exhausted and drained. I'm tired of living like this. Love for me, is always associated with pain. Romantic love that is. Which is different from Loev. So being done with it forever really seems like a great plan.
I'm tired of it all. I want out and I want to be done. But when I am done with something, truly done - there is NO GOING BACK. So his decision is helping me make mine. There's a lot of truth in the old saying "Be Careful what you wish for". Because his wish will come true.
Moving forward while leaving a major part of your life behind is incredibly hard and requires incredible bravery. Something I don't think I have. Bravery is not something you can run out and buy, or just "learn". So I start with a major disadvantage.
I have a meeting with Fr Chris on Monday. He's told me how proud he is that I have done these things. I don't feel proud of me. OK 10 %. But mostly what I feel is pain. Pain for me and pain for him. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't be really thrilled with me right now. In his darkest hours I made the situation about me.
There I go again, thinking about him and not about me. I need to change that.
I need a lot of change.
And I haven't the first freaking clue how to do it.
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