The reprieve is over

I got the phone call.

I truly thought he would never call again. The singular proof of how unimportant I need to be made to feel by him in order to fall out of love. Right?

I don't get it really.

The psychologist in me takes over, steps back, and looks at the behaviour.

He doesn't believe he deserves to be loved.

Because of this:

1. He gets involved in relationships that hurt him and validate his feeling that he doesn't deserve to be loved
2. He treats anyone who has the audacity to see past this and love him despite it like crap.
3. So that they won't love him anymore
4. Thus validating his belief that he isn't worthy of being loved.

neat isn't it? Nice circle.

So.

With this knowledge, I listened to the message carefully.

here it is:

"Hey Contessa it's best friend. Want to let you know that brother had his surgery put in, he's in a lot of pain but he's Ok and he's coming home tomorrow. I'm staying at his place so if you want to call, call my cell. I'll talk to you later. Bye"

There are a number of things about this message that are strange.

1. His use of my first name.
2. Identifying himself by name
3. Allowing access while at his brothers
4. Not calling my cell, but my home.

And these were the first things that came to my mind when I heard the message, I had to go back and listen to the details on the brother again a second time.

I hate this. I would give my kidney up to back in time and do the last 8 years over again. More to the point, the last 3 months.

I refuse to predict the future. There is a lot of push to say this person is toxic and shouldn't be in my life and a part of me agrees with that. In fact depending on the day, that part of me is larger or smaller. Then there is the push that says but you have such a history here, and you two love each other regardless of the relationship status - how can you give that up?

Well here's the thing. I NEVER EVER gave up the person I love before. For any reason. If it was not going well, I was going to do the work required to bring it back.

But I chose to give him up and every day, I mean every SINGLE day, I regret it, but I don't. I miss him so very painfully much, but I'm at peace because I am not thrown to the peaks and the valleys.

I don't know if we can be friends. Because I don't know if I can trust him to treat me right. He's never done it consistently enough before, so how do I know that it wll happen this time.

There are so many reasons to NOT do this. But honestly, the one reason I have TO do it is powerful enough to override the others.

I am just not sure. Not yet. I'm still working through what is best for me. Not him. Me. Not my friends. Me.