Love is touching souls

Just before our love got lost you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness
Wheres that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar

Just before our love got lost assumes that it will be found again. The universe is a funny thing. There is a school of thought that says that each person has a missing half - their soul mate. The person that completes them. So if you " lose your love" one time it's probably safe to assume that person isn't your soul mate. But if it comes up a second time, wouldn't the universe be trying to tell you something? Should we not be paying attention here?

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
And your face sketched on it twice

And it wasn't Canada. it was the united states, drawn freehand with almost each state correctly placed and shaped including capitals. I was 10 and I was at party. A party of my dad's after one of his shows. For his students. My best friend was the choreographer for the show. He took the drawing with him.

No, he doesn't still have it. But it was the only thing I ever drew that was, well, obvious, but it was also REALLY good. My dad was shocked. Drawing was never my thing.

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I'd still be on my feet

I love the imagery in the chorus of this song. He is in my blood, my heart and my soul. The good AND the bad. My best friend. And the idea of a world without him in it is so unbelievably surreal. And yet, it nearly came to pass. My choosing not to see him or be in touch with him was largely assuming that he would just refrain from calling me on the phone or sending email. What I was not anticipating was the mortality of either of us. So his seriously considering ending his life over his family situation still has me reeling.

He is not a stupid man. He knows that solutions to this problem exist and he had to be pushed to the point that he is at to ask for help. But he did. He asked.

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Because he did ask me for help, I can't deny him. Love is touching souls. Our souls are touching even if there is fear in the way. And every time I cry or every time I sing, a part of me and a part of him pours forth. I sang today at my lesson and all the stress and emotion that I have been dealing with came pouring out in music I was just sight reading. My coach was stunned. So was I for that matter. But it's an artistic outlet much like the painter reference in this song.

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
And still be on my feet

I can't even imagine myself with another person. If I'm being honest with myself, I never did. I never saw myself with anyone else and because he didn't want me all those years ago, for good reasons, I just assumed would date guys,. have relationships with them, but ultimately end up alone. And you know what? I was OK with that. A friend of the family once told me right after I graduated from college, that I shouldn't just settle. So I didn't.

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed

This is the voice in my soul. This voice, which I never heard before now, is saying, stay with him,, stay near him during this time of tragedy for him, don't abandon him. This voice is the woman. This voice has a mouth like his and knows his devils ad his deeds. It's the voice of twin souls fused together at the helm for some cosmic reason.

Oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet

I don't understand the connection that keeps drawing us back together. For any reason, as friends, as lovers, as both. But I do know that a world without him in it, is no world that I want to live in. I would, but I would be miserable. He would be the same. His exact words were "Never seeing you again? Not speaking to you again? It's not acceptable to me. I can't live like that".

It's a very trying time. As of now, we have passed out of the danger zone, and while there is no firm plan in place as yet, we have a lot of information in front of us to start weeding through and making some educated decisions on the welfare of his family and himself so he can start healing.

Then we can start healing.


Lyrics to "A Case of you" by Joni Mitchell