As long as NIagra Falls and as long as Gibralter stands

Or at the very least till Hell Freezes over....

I still love him and while there are time I wish to hell I didn't, there are times that I am not sorry that I do.

I spoke to him briefly today. I returned his call from Tuesday. He was busy at the hospital checking his brother out a day later than scheduled. But asked if he could call me "later". This is the kind of behaviour that keeps slightly at peace. And you know why? It's respectful and polite. The warmth and caring is apparent but it's slightly formal. I know that this is because he's trying to show respect and he's trying to do the right thing.

Now, as a teaching professional, I do need to let you know that when I was LEAST expecting it, I had to recognize his efforts.

1. He picked up the call while busy at the hospital - a fact that is unprecedented with us.
2. He talked for few minutes and then asked me if he could call back.

Here's the deal.

After I hung up I didn't investigate or ruminate about the call. I just went on about my business.

However when I was in the car, it occurred to me that love doesn't "just end" because you say it does or you even think it does or because you want it to.

And it hasn't.

Here's my problem. I have to address it sooner rather than later. If I wait till it happens, the anger and resurgence of emotion will destroy any of the fabric we are weaving today.

He's going to want to bring the Whore around. Perhaps even her kids. And I don't want to be anywhere near the place when this occurs. The only thing that is keeping this possibility from being a reality is the fact that he has spent the last year telling us just what kind of bad behaviour this whore has been displaying where he's concerned. I won't speak for our friends, but given the information that we all possess, I don't exactly think she will be all that well received. Especially considering the whore is still with the other guy too and lied to both men about the other one. But he thinks she's "the one". So the possibility exists. Idiot.

So, as long as Niagara Falls, As long as Gibraltar stands or until Hell freezes over. I just don't see us not being in each other's lives. But I don't know how to stop loving him enough to just be his friend. How does one put all this "stuff" aside? All the love, the pain, the hurt, the disrespect, the bad treatment, the good treatment? How does one just wipe the slate clean and start again?

I am still struggling with whether or not I want to love this misfit back into the functional world. ( credit to Crowbard for that expression). I am tough enough but am I willing to give that much of my soul up for another person who claims they only want part of it?

The ready an available answer is no. But there are other variables that I am still working through at this time.

Your patience as I work through this is very much appreciated. Your wisdom and caring is appreciated more!